ooohhhhh kkkkk ive been on a journey to loose some MAJOR pounds...ive always been a HEAVY woman lol you know those chicks that you call "bbw" lol...well thats me...ive been this way my whole life..always the cute "big" girl...

ive never really took issue with it...because both my parents never made a big deal out of it..(i wished they would've back then)...maybe now i wouldn't be as big as i am...they both always told me how beautiful i was....my aunts always let me know that i had a great personality..and honestly...NO ONE ever made a big deal of it...not even now...im just me...the cute big girl lol...funny huh...

well back on my brother's birthday april 18th of this year, i decided to loose weight..do whatever it took to loose some pounds..my first goal was 20lbs..and ive meet that goal..now im working on another 20lbs...i think this 20 is harder because im tired...im super tired of counting and working out...and i think this is my downfall....because when i do get tired stop counting..and usually eat too much..or not enough.....this is a battle...one i didnt really know much about...but im here..and im happy about it....MOST DAYS...other days...not so much...

well right now..today...im down almost 30lbs..and im really loving it! i love to see that scale..and ive taken makingitlovely.com's linediet challenge..well she didnt really challenge anyone...she just showed us what worked for her..and because im sooo obsessed with the scale and weigh myself every single day anyway...i decided to use the linediet....check it out..and because im a visual person..this works awesomely for me :) yeeeahh!!! i started the other day..but my scale went haywire...so i started over yesterday after buying a new scale....(probably because i weigh myself every single day? lol)..im feeling very confident :)

this was me 20lbs lighter.....ive decided every 10lbs lighter ill take a photo..i took a before picture..but i HATE it..i looked sooo depressed..and yeah ummm i dont want to show it lol...but ill take a CUTE "10lbs lighter" photo so i can see my progress...until then :)

my love for my son extends far beyond what i ever envisioned it could be...its one of the most truer loves i could possibly imagine.... positively unconditional....and yet...even with all my love for him...encouraging words from others.....books and cds on how to raise a well rounded child...its seems our daily lives take a toll on the both of us...i forget the inspirational quotes....he sometimes forgets that we're in this together...i'm promising tonight...to take time out every single day...to let him know just how special he is..not just the "i love you"...but to really let him know that he is loved...i dont want him to go a day without knowing just how special he is...and hopefully even at 6 he will listen and absorb it...i love him sooo much :) nite

welcome back...i took a LOOOONG hiatus from blogging mainly because i didnt have much to say...and secondly because i couldnt really keep up....my son and my job started to take over my simple life and i never really had time to just chill and think about ME...

well well well...im back..i have a full week off work and i can't wait to begin all of THIS again...talking about me and my life has always made me happy..mainly because its served as an outlet to my feelings that i may have been hiding from people closets to me...

well on to the good stuff...i was suppose to head to mississippi at day break tomorrow morning but with the snow melting and the freezing temps tonight im afraid there may be black ice everywhere....

yeah yeah..i know..im a scary cat...ive always been one when it came to driving...ive always hated to drive...its just one of those things that i cant be in control of..no matter how much control you THINK you may have..when driving a 2 ton car...you really dont...cars flying by...who knows whose in the car next to you...its always been a fear of mine...i used to let it control my life...until kpp...he was really the main reason that i got my licenses again and started to drive...:) kpp saves the day...AGAIN...lol..oh yeah mississippi..

i feel really bad about not be able to go...i loooove my family soo much..and they love me...AND kpp..and just hate missing out on ALLL the family festivities...although my dad will probably be working..he drives trucks...and my little big brother john will be in kansas with his wife and in laws...i still wanted to go home..and just relax..talk to my grandma.....ooh yeahhh...she gave me a ton of suzzie homemaker stuff when i was down for thanksgiving lol..martha you ask...wellll...she gave me a really nice mixer...ice cream maker...(hmf..i have yet to make ice cream)...magic bullet...something ive wanted for some time now..but didnt want to spend the money on...and some other food processor type of things...i finally took them out of the boxes last week..and tried to organize it all...when i look at the things...i really love her...not because she is generous.but because she really loves me...

i never knew where i got some of my personality traits from...but i now know..a lot of my hard on the outside...sweet on the inside....no holds bars personality..it comes from her...she is such a sweet and loving woman...but you would NEVER know it if you didnt get to know her...she loves hard...like me...so when things dont go the way we plan...we get all flustered....however in her old age..im seeing her more relaxed..and she doesnt really sweat the small stuff like she used to...its really nice to see...im really happy kpp has gotten the chance to meet her and grandpa...they are really loving and sweet and ive always known no matter what...they LOVE me...its an awesome feeling...

oh yeah..mississippi...whenever i got "home" i always feel a bit out of place...although i grew up in mississippi..i never really liked it...hell..i never liked it...i always knew there was more to life...and i knew i wanted to see it...so when my grandparents and aunts would ask me to come and visit them in california..i wouldnt hesitate..id go out there every single summer of my teenage years..and i feel in love with cali...the summers there really changed my life...my aunts would take us EVERYWHERE...and ill never forget the time my uncle took me to venice beach and was seriously on cloud nine! i watched the people alll day long...we walked the boardwalk..and i knew i couldnt live in mississippi forever...i just knew it...HOWEVER...now that im 33 with a 5 year old...i really want to move back....i can't...but i would love it....

i have these dreams about working in mississippi doing the things i love to do.....dreams...they feel soo real some days...then i wake up and im working a job that i really hate...with folks i really like lol...sounds weird?? yeah..ive fallen in love with my coworkers..a lot of them are great folks...but the job itself...I HATE IT..yeah i know..hate is suuuch a strong word..but its sooo true...ive always been a big fish in a small pond..not at this job..i feel like a fish out of water..ooh i know...SOOO DRAMATIC...but its soo true...all day long i wonder if im doing this right..or if im thinking how everyone else is thinking..should i be doing this or that...and im NEVER getting much done...NEVER....im always in my own world....i can't continue on like this...however..im too afraid to just do something new...take the plunge...."maybe one day" i say that to myself every single day...when im driving in...i make a mental list of all the things i should do that day...but by 10am..."huddle time" im spent...i forget the mental list..and by 12pm...i need a break...i go to lunch or out to shop..and come back feeling semi refreshed...by 2pm...im counting down to quitting time..4pm comes..and I HAVEN'T DONE A THING!...its sooo frustrating...yeah i get the things i need to get done..the mundane work...but really reinventing...thinking outside the box...challenging myself more...those things?? i never get around to it...ive come to believe that im too emotional for this type of work...who cares if you don't get your product today...it will be there tomorrow...ive never really cared about the details....so THIS WORK...is NOT for me...waaayyy too detailed-oriented...yeah i lied on my resume..i said i was detail-oriented..but im not...i thought that was a good word...i thought thats what they wanted to hear...so i put it on my resume...silly me...THATS WHAT THEY WANTED..SO THEY HIRED ME! lol....yeah im more of a big picture girl...i live for the emotions of it all...thats how i connect with people...i honestly dont care if things are misspelled...as long as your point is clear...i dont care if your powerpoint is on a snowman background as apposed to a stark blue background..hell i prefer the snowman..shows me you care at least about the seasons lol....yeah im weird i know...but this job...yeah the job...is going to kill me...is killing my spirit and unless i find something OTHER THAN THAT TO DO...im going to die inside...omg..im soo overly dramatic...but im soo honest...i get up every single morning with a love and hate on my mind...i looove my personal life...i love my friends at work..but that work...arrrghhhh i hate it....sooo "one day"....one day ill quit..or ill find a new job at the same company doing something im more passionate about...until then..i guess ill complain about it lol...

oh yeah...this turned into a rant about my disdain for my job...when it was suppose to be a welcome back to blogging..i can't go home..so lets talk about mississippi...i cant sleep at night so lets talk about my dreams...but yeah..it alll comes back to THAT JOB...and how much its really taking a major NEGATIVE toll on my life..

wow little michael jackson is singing on tv..."ill be there" wow..ive always loved that song...i have serious adhd lol...

okay im back.....yeah negativity...i have to stay positive...life is soo good...my personal life is honestly good...no drama...friends...family...yeah no lover..but so...i like it that way..for now...its a nice feeling to be able to come and go as i please without really having to worry about the feelings of someone else...how long will i like it?? im not sure...but because i like it now...things are good...my teeth are white...(i used the crest white strips tonight lol)

....and i feel great...yeah welcome back...hahaha i havea major cause of ADHD but hey....if i didnt..i would be super duper boring! lol....im going to bed...night :)