Wednesday, September 28, 2005

i watched him...and i cant wait

lately ive been thinking a lot about my life and the direction it has taken...good and bad...and wow...im breathlessly awaiting to see how these trials and tribulations will imprint my life....

i woke up this morning at 5am looking at my son...yes yes yes...he is spoiled therefore he sleeps with me....( i have a one bedroom apartment...i think even if i had a 5 room place he would probably be in bed with me....i mean there is no one esle in my bed)....i digress...

i wake up and im in aww at his little face...its still dark...but enough light outside from the street lights for me to see him...i love mornings like this....he is laying there...with his feet in my chest..and his hands on my face...(yes picture that...could you really get a good nights sleep in the shape of a "U"?...he does lol)...he is laying there..and im just watching his chest move...watching his breath consume him....then leave him...its a wonderful feeling to be in love...to be in love with someone...who is in love with you....my son...

i always thought that we would have this perfect relationship.....the one i read about or saw on tv...and after his birth i was depressed for a couple of months because i agonized over me being this perfect mother...the one i'd deemed myself unworthy to be.....well i am perfect now!! hahaha...im the only mother he will ever know...we are a perfect match....no i dont mean im perfect without faults...but my love for him is as perfect as it comes...as raw as it gets...as clear as a glass after you've cleaned it with windex lol..i love my son...

i watched my child this morning...all the stains on my sheets from him sipping on his sippy cup...his leaky diaper....and that little bit of grape jelly that was still on his shirt from last night...haaha..i watched him....he is sooo beautiful....i've always been the mushy type..but man...ive never been like this...the person who will cry over how much someone sooo small can mean to me...(oh what the hell am i talking about?...YES I HAVE!)....that kid.....my little revolutionary...my little eater off the floorer lol....he is my love....he is pure..he is sooo wonderful.....and even with his new found prospective on his own little life...you know that one that all children get at his age...HIS INDEPENDENCE!....and yes thats frustrating to see..but he is soo wonderful to me...i watch him...

i watch his hands move...i look at his little dirty fingernails...(because brother didnt take a bath last night lol)...and i just watch him....i look at my mobile to see the time...and its 530am....wow..."i should try to sleep alittle...i just went to bed at 3am....why am i not sleeping...because i just want to watch my boy....my seed..."

my seed...wow...fertilized by baba (dad in swahili).....and wow....im amazed....im amazed that through our entire relationship...us knowing each other for the years that we did...that kpp is the best thing we have ever done....all the places we'd been...all the internet we'd experienced together ahaha kpp is the best!....this fertilization wasnt planned....but welcomes...i was scared...yet i had courage to love...i felt alone...yet kpp was there with me the whole time....wow..my little seed....he is growing up to be a great little guy....my offspring..he can forever say that "my momma loves me"....(well whenever he feels the need to even speak...shit to even say momma...mom or something..damn...he says dad...but not mom...oh well...i got green eyes like a mofo....cause i see his littel face every morning lol....shit ive changed his dirty diaper more times hahaah and stayed up with him crying...and all he can do is look at me and run away and smile and say...dad...hahaha....hell naw....okay...back to my love explosion)...yeah..god's son..our son....my son...he is the best.....

and i cant wait to disclose to him my inner most feelings about how i felt about him from day one.....and listen to him say..."eewwww mommie....get away from me!"...i cant wait to see him run away from me...because he knows that when i see him i muuuust have a kiss..i cant wait for him to overstand how much i love him....i cant wait to tell him that i would surely lay down my life for his in a given situation...i cant wait....

i just can not wait....

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