ive taught him how to blog...he has stayed up two nights in a row til like 3 or 4am...watching videos...downloading music...and playing on this thing...he wants his own blog....but he saw this on some girls blog and told me he would type while i cooked for him...here goes

Last person that....
1. Slept in your bed: my brother and son.
2. Saw you cry: me.
3. Made you cry: a friends death.
4. You shared a drink with: my son.
5. You went to the movies with: my son. (man is this becoming a trend..damn im
boring!)
6. You went to the mall with: "dad"
7. Yelled at you: my mother (but she yells at everyone...its her loud voice lol)
8. Sent you an email: my aunt deborah
9. You kissed: male? damn...like 19 months ago...my son is 10 months..i was pregnant
for 9 months...damn thats sad...so i guess ill have to say...my son...because


HAVE YOU EVER...
1. Said "I Love You" and meant it? always
2. Gotten in a fight with your pet: no. im the boss.
3. Been to California: yes, Pasadena.
4. Been to Hawaii: no.
5. Been to Mexico: yes over the country line down in texas lol (does that count)
6. Been to China: no but I do want to see the Great Wall
7. Been to Canada: hell yeah and had the detroit police all up my azzzzz!!!!
8. Danced naked: hahaa YEP!...i shouldve but i did lol
9. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day?: yes..(dreamed
that i kissed an old friend and did it the next day just because)
10. Wish you were the opposite sex: yeah once in a car because i had to pee really
bad lol
11. Had an imaginary friend: yes. but it was a guy lol and i was like 15 lol...thats
bad...dont tell anyone...
12. Do you have a crush on someone: Yes..but would it be a crush if i tooold??
13. What book are you reading now: Running with Scissors...
14. Worst feeling in the world: when i just feel really sad..when i didnt cause my
own sadness..
15. Future son's name: I donno...but i want it to be really cool..
16. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: yes...my sons...stuffed puppy..i named him
boris...he is soo cute...ive been sleeping with him before my son was even born
lol...trying to learn how it would feel to sleep with a baby...well that didnt
work...because my son sleeps really wild lol...
17. What's under your bed: nothing...dont even ask...
18. Favorite sport to watch: football of course...Go Steelers!!
19. Piercings/tattoos: ears/noooooooo!!!!
20. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: no boyfriend...lol cant you tell by now....

EXTRA STUFF...
1. no extra...my name is toneasha...thats a weird way to spell tanisha...my sons nick
name is kpp...just his initials...
2. Do you do drugs: Never....im crazy enough lol
3. Do you drink: Rarely...damn not in yeeeeeeaarrrrss!!!
4. What are you most scared of: my son getting hurt in any way...
5. What clothes do you sleep in: a cute hot pink gown i bought from some store..i
looove it...almost wore it outside once lol to work...
6. Where do you want to get married: outside...has to be outside...almost sunset...
7. Who do you really hate: hate..hummm thats hard...i dont think i hate anyone...but
damn i dislike pleeenty folks lol
8. Been in Love: ooh yeeeess...makes me smile everytime i think about it...
9. Do you like being around people: depends...do i like them lol...
10. Are you for world peace: of course...im not george bush...
11. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: hell yes...right now...
12. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: yea....anyone taller than
me...and a stomach...so i can rub it like my buddah...
13. Are you lonely right now: yep lol...what the hell have i been saying...
14. Song thats stuck in your head a lot: the one song by jill scott..i love when she
says..."i was just thinking about you..."...the song is "Crossed my mind" man
its soo true...
15. Do you want to get married: yep..one day....
16. Do you want kids: yep at least one more...so he can have a sibling...maybe a girl
...cause man are they cute...

FAVORITE..
1. Room in house: bedroom...just peaceful...
2. Type(s) of music: hip hop when guys are being all mushy lol...
3. Color(s): orange...red...and ummm baby blue...i love my son in that color...
4. Perfume or cologne?: Bvlgari Cologne...green tea scent...
5. Month(s): febrauary..and ummm....july...
6. Stone: of course diamonds...

IN THE LAST 72 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
1. Cried: yes
2. Bought something: yes.....yep off ebay...im a junkie...
3. Gotten sick: yeah...woke up with a stuffed up nose...
4. Sang: yes...the one song by jill scott...when i was in the bathroom...
5. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: oooooooooh yes
6. Met someone new: yes
7. Missed someone: yes
8. Hugged someone: yes
9. Kissed someone: yes just kissed my sons forehead :) awwwwwww

man..that was looong as hell...my brother stopped at like the 10th question lol...he said he cant type that fast...okay now...im really going to bed...

damn "old man winter"!!!! when i woke up this morning...i looked out the window like "damn" and got right back in the bed...called my boss..informed her that i would not be in today...and went right back to sleep...

but then i got a wake up call from hell...one of my best best best friend died...its crazy...i cant even be emotional right now...it really hurts alot...but with the boys here i cant really be emotional...i have to wait...i have to wait til the time is right...i have to be strong for them...cry without tears...

i just keep thinking about her telling me she couldnt spend another year without her
mom...and i guess this is a good thing..she wont have to...she wont have to be alone in this world..without the love of her mother...i dont think i could either...yeah my mother and i dont have the perfect relationship but who does...yeah i think she is crazy most days...but wow i dont think i couldve made it two years without her...but then again i have sisters and brothers to help me...she had no one...man this is sooo sad and crazy...and i cant seem to take it today...

ive been sleep for most of the day...lonely and sad...needing someone to lean on...and the two people who asked me if i wanted to lean on them...i cant...because im in love with one...and the other one...umm we just have a really weird relationship...and its crazy because both have women in their lives..even if they dont want to admit it...even if they hate the women....so why even go there....life is crazy...

i was talking to my friend corey tonight...the one friend who i said we have the "weird realtionship"...he is one of the loves of my life...its crazy...because he is my inspiration alot of days...to be myself...to be emotional...to be intelligent...to be just the person i am...me...he is my inspiration...hahahaha (please dont read this tonight) lol...he is one of the men in my life...that things never worked out for us...and we couldnt sulk in it...so we both had to move on....mainly because of distance...but life is okay...it took us to two different places...but if things wouldve been different...man lol...i would be involved with him at the drop of a dime....(sorry for saying this if you are reading this lol)...he has a woman...but he said something tonight that really made feel good...

this was our convo on....

saxiestmanalive: I tell her to attract (me) all she has to do is be her
saxiestmanalive: I love an individual
luuvelyladdy: ?
saxiestmanalive: an original really
luuvelyladdy: i guess i dont understand what you are saying
saxiestmanalive: I love a woman who is herself in all situations
saxiestmanalive: and radiantly so
luuvelyladdy: ok
luuvelyladdy: so what doesnt (she) understand about that?
saxiestmanalive: I think shes insecure in her power to attract me
luuvelyladdy: i hear you
luuvelyladdy: i dont think ive ever had that problem (with men im involved with)
luuvelyladdy: but i always thought i was too emotional
saxiestmanalive: i know
saxiestmanalive: not really (emotional)
saxiestmanalive: to be passionate u have to be emotional and be able to get caught up
in the power of it
saxiestmanalive: have to surrender and thats hard for alot of ppl
saxiestmanalive: they scared of themselves n the world in a way
saxiestmanalive: for some reason ppl think emotions are a form of weakness
luuvelyladdy: yeah
luuvelyladdy: i think my ex thought i was weak but i dont think that
saxiestmanalive: the weak ppl are those who are too scared to face what they feel
luuvelyladdy: i think im strong
luuvelyladdy: just emotional
luuvelyladdy: yeah i get it
luuvelyladdy: im putting this convo on my blog tonight
saxiestmanalive: it's all in how u deal with it
saxiestmanalive: I bet I'll be floating around the net long after I'm gone
luuvelyladdy: good
saxiestmanalive: we'll see
saxiestmanalive: I think ppl like u scare others
luuvelyladdy: maybe
luuvelyladdy: thats why im sittin in this apartment
luuvelyladdy: alone
saxiestmanalive: just physicaly
saxiestmanalive: ;)
luuvelyladdy: nope
luuvelyladdy: mentally
luuvelyladdy: emotionally
saxiestmanalive: then talk to me
saxiestmanalive: call me if u want to
luuvelyladdy: i mean
luuvelyladdy: talk and then what
luuvelyladdy: i need someone
luuvelyladdy: on my side
saxiestmanalive: I know baby (girl)
saxiestmanalive: all I can do is what I know
luuvelyladdy: yeah
saxiestmanalive: I don't like u sad
luuvelyladdy: its okay
saxiestmanalive: not really
luuvelyladdy: why not?
luuvelyladdy: i just have to be able to be alone
luuvelyladdy: and be strong

the convo kinda ended there because he got offline..but man...i think thats true...i have to be able to be alone and be strong...with or without my friend michelle..with or without some guy in my life...but you know i think...we all get weak sometimes..and i think when i get weak is when i get sad...i just kinda begin to feel really needy...most men may see that as weak..oh well...but its like im just in need of just alittle love...and i think when i get sad...i want someone to talk to...to listen to me babble..just to let me know everything will be okay...eventhough i know it deep down for myself...i guess i just needed some loving...well im not getting that tonight...or anytime soon...so im going to get my son...and put him to sleep...and hit the sack......hopefully its still bad outside tomorrow..so i dont have to work again.....the snow is horrible...yeah its pretty but damn the pretty...lol...night

well last night before i went to bed...a friend called and told me one of my best friends may have been killed in a car accident in all this wintery storm...

life is soo crazy...seems like every 6 months to a year someone i know is getting killed or dies somehow...it seems as though death follows me...like its on the heel of my feet...but just wont touch me...seems like god keeps me in his safe keeping...but does that mean he isnt doing that for others? or does that just mean i still have something to do in this life?...i donno...

she and i have been friends for a long time...it really pains me to even think that she may be dead...its sooo crazy because i was just talking about her the other day to "dad"...about how mad she mad me when trying to tell me "what kinda man I NEED!...but you know thats her...and we are so in sync lol that she was actually right..and what she said made me think...

well here was the somewhat story...there were people in the car...two females...one dead and one in critical condition...but they wont release the name until they have verified "next of kin"...KIN??...well her mother died a couple of years ago...and she and her father dont talk...i only remembered his name because she told me once...and mainly because its the same as my uncle's name...spencer...well...life is stinking right now...smelling like a rotten egg...but i just have to keep praying that everything will be okay....can i pray that the "one female dead" isnt her...but you gotta believe that the other girls family is praying that its not their child...i dont know..how can you pray for death for someone else and life for the other...its just mean...i guess last night my prayer was that everything be okay...that whatever God's will is..that its just okay...because if it were two females in the car i mostly likely know who the other was...damn...

well here we go....i woke up late this morning..mainly because my son kept me up most of the night crying...why he was crying?? i dont know...but he was...so by the time he got settled and sleep it was about 2am...okay...so i wake up at 7am...i shouldve been up at 6am...well okay...im thinking we can still get ready and get out at a decent time...well we do...and everything seems to be going okay...i leave out of my place...baby on back...covered...snuggled up...and i had to tell my little brother one more thing..."take out my trash for me pleeeaseee"....so i leave out the door...down the street and on a 12 minute hike down the street...well usually its not that bad...buuut today its snowing...well i say to myself..."at least it isnt thaaat cold this morning"....walking walking walking...feeling preety good...finally get to my bus stop...then i make sure that i packed my lunch IN MY BAG..."ooooh shit...i dont have my bag"...meaning the baby doesnt have his lunch....meaning...."FUUUUUUCCCCKKKK I HAVE TO WALK ALLLL THE WAY BACK HOOOOMMME!!!!"...ooook so walking walking walking...back back back....home home home....okay so im a really emotional person but im only emotional to the PEOPLE I LOVE....no matter who it is...you know my mom my brother...significant other...you know the people im close to...no one else knows im this "huuuuge cry baby"...well back to the story...i get home...i get home...and my little brother is coming down the stairs for me..."with my bag in hand" damn i looove him...he is such a sweet kid...well as soon as i see him...i start to cry...(you know the whole im emotional around the people i love)...so im crying not because i left my bag...i guess i cried this morning because some days like today i just feel soo overwhelmed...i feel like im the only one out there...like im alone in this huuge world...so walkign walking walking....back back back...to the bus stop....by this time my son is sleeping..mainly because i have his head covered up....(wouldnt you sleep if you were all snuggled up on your mommie) well finally finally get the bus stop...i see my bus...so "oh nooooo i have to run alittle"..."oh shit i cant run...i cant chance falling"...so i just have to walk really fast....finally get across the street...just in the nick of time..."THANK YOU JESUS!!!"...i couldnt have stood there for another bus and came to work...i wouldve been an emotional wreck...weelll okay...get to the sitters to drop off my son...and man...SHE HAS FORMULA FOR HIM!!!! a while back she gave me his formula...but she said i brought it back for you know "for days like this".....wellll......im kinda pissed...but oh well...i have the bottles they are in my bag..no big deal...im over it...so i put him down...she is holding him...i walk out of the house...and "damn man!!! i see my bus...come on come on cars..move it!!! i haaaave to get this bus!!"...well now with no baby on my back im free to run...if i fall i fall...so i book it...running alittle to my bus...."YYYEEAH I GET THE BUS!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!"....oh the bus i am...finally getting a chance to feel my legs....to feel what warm is like..."THANK YOU JESUS FOR LETTING ME BE OKAY...FOR LETTING MY SON AND I JUST BE OKAY...THANK YOU SOO MUCH!!!" ok so im on the bus...riding riding riding...going going going...to work work work...."man my bag is heavy...what the heck is in here?" so i check.........................."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOT HIS BOTTLES!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" yes yes yes...his bottles are in my bag....the bottles that i walked a mile for in the snow with a 30lb baby on my back...the bottles that made me feel like i was the worst mother ever...the bottles that i ran for!!! THESE DAMN BOTTLES!!!....damn...oh well..the sitter has formula...he will be okay...off to work i go...pissed crying...but i have to be okay....crying because just last night im trying to encourage "dad" and let him know we have to keep going when things dont go right...we have to keep pressing on...and damn when something happens to me i kinda loose it...but hey man i have to suck it up...life is tooo short to be soo down on myself...

and i get to work...go over the story in my mind...beating up on myself.....im sooo sad...then my boss comes in late....and answers her voicemail...and her daughter had a car accident in the snow....DAMN....i just sit here thinking...

I HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL!!! thank you jesus for letting nothing happen to my son and i..thank you jesus for always having me in your arms...protecting me from harm...from danger...thank you jesus for being the best dad a girl could ever have...thank you...because it couldve been me....

sooooo...im talking to my friend tonight...and she says...i should tell you guys about myself..i mean who the hell even looks at my blog..but oh well..maybe someone is looking...

1. Breathing since November 7, 1976...that makes me 28!!!
2. Living in Cincinnati, Ohio, by way of Mendenhall Mississippi...
3. Im a banker...i job ive been forced to hate for the last 7 months...
4. 1 son, but would love to have a daughter in the future..
but damn im getting old lol..
5. Single but looking for a great person to spend my life with...
6. Short term goal is to finish out my job...it ends in march...
and figure out what my next step will be...
7. Long term goal is to become a web designer...im praying when my job is over ill go
back to school to do it...well im praying that my life will be a little
easier...giving me the perfect oppurtunity to go back to school...

well that was kinda trying...and damn my eyes are getting soo heavy...ooh yeah

this bus driver hit on me today hahaha...and i was just thinking...why would you hit on me of all people...i look sooo damn mean when im riding the bus...i do it so people dont talk to me..you know the weirdos you get riding the bus lol....oh well i guess he loves the mean type...dumb dumb lol...well i cant call him dumb...i was looking rather pretty today lol...hahhaahaha...(as you can see no one has to tell me im looking good...its nice sometimes but you know when you just think you are looking fly...well that was me today lol)...well really the weather broke and i was feeling really good when i got up this morning....

well im going to bed...i love blogging lol..man i need a "real" life!! lol

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. SWEETS
2. BeeBee (my nephew and niece and little brohter call me that!)
3. T T (this guy at work started calling me that lol)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU'VE HAD:
1. luuvepotion
2. luuvelyladdy
3. mommieluuve

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. im cute
2. corney azz jokes
3. my crazy hair

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. nonchalant...i never care about what to eat or where to go...
2. my big mouth lol just cant seem to shut it up
3. my crazy hair (yes somedays i love it...somedays i hate it)

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. African-American
2. Caucasian
3. Asian (has to be with these slanted eyes) lol



THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Dying in a car accident
2. My son getting hurt
3. Snakes

THREE EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. My son..lol
2. Deodorant
3. Music

THREE THINGS YOU'RE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Cute purple gym shoes
2. ClassRing
3. The great silver hoops

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR ARTISTS AT THE MOMENT:
1. John Legend
2. Jill Scott
3. Anthony Hamilton

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. So High (John Legend)
2. Cross My Mind (Jill Scott)
3. Charlene (Anthony Hamilton)

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Meet a new person
2. Buy a nice couch
3. Go out with my new person on a nice date (lol)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Honesty (but not tooooo honest i dont have to know everything)
2. Great Passion
2. Humor

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I looove my son!
2. I looove my job!
3. I looove to shop!

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Nice smile
2. Height
3. Great voice

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Stay mad with my son
2. Stay mad with "dad"
3. Be mean to my family.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Blogging (now)
2. Playing with Photoshop
3. Taking pictures of my son

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Take a long nap with no interruptions
2. Win the lottery (at least 10,000)
3. Find my lip balm (dang my lips are soo dry lol)

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Modeling (when i was smaller)
2. Engineer
3. Web Designer

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Africa
2. Any Carribean Island
3. New York City

THREE KID'S NAMES
1. Khalil
2. Kali
3. Tone' (you know like tony but with an "e")

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Just be a better all around person. No real fears.
2. Dont be such a worry wart.
3. Get married.

if you know me...im always excited about the smallest things...and its crazy that im always looking for approval from the ones i love...i dont share my joy with most people...but if you are one of the few friends i have...you would know how much im loving the blog thing....damn ive even clicked on the old photoshop icon...to "create" again...its really nice to have an outlet...even if only a handful of people read it...well my sons handful...maybe like 2 or 3 folks...but its the cool new thing...these blogs..and im enjoying it....

but anywho..i was talking to my friend tonight...and she was trying to tell me...
What I NEED in a Mate...she is crazy but because we are great friends i just talked about her behind her back to "dad" lol...i love you boo hahahaha...but after she told me some of the stuff im was thinking yeah she may be right to a degree...so i guess this is what i need...

....Someone who will listen and probe a little, not too hard (ok...no pun intended..but damn do i need a probing hahahaha), but just enough for me to understand that he cares about my feelings and my inner thoughts, he needs to provide for me a safe environment for me to express myself freely. He needs to be able to understand that sometimes during conflict that my first reaction or actions to a situation are not always what I truly mean to express...maybe it was just the heat of the moment....He needs to be a giver, because I am one, and not ask me what I want but listen and try to figure out what I need and give it to me..hahaha mates in my past will get this lol...i never know what i want for dinner...i never care where we go....i just never care...im usually happy just chilling out with my man..I need someone to help expose me to things because I am curious and loves adventure, but need someone to help pull me out into the world of the unknown....because im soo scared too....I need someone who will respect me and show me how a woman should be treated especially physically and sexually. RESPECT, his mindset should be "now baby this is how a woman is supposed to be treated" so that my mind is renewed regarding relationships. I love quality time with my man, so he has to be someone that values one on one time.....

soooooo true...i added some things to what she said...but damn...thats right on point with what i need...what i want...

okay im going to bed...its sooo freaking cool in this apartment..."kpp" seems to love it though...but he has on a all over pj set...with those feet covered...hahaha...i lvoe those things...i actually wish they made them for adults...

dAmn...man...ive been on the internet non-stop over the weekend...i've spent entirely too much time on the internet..point blank period....its alot of things that are causing me to browse (boredom..longing for alittle excitment...looking oooh looking for something that will make my day? a bargain...a conversation...something...)and man now today im at work...with nothing to do...searching..browsing...oooh just looking...

and man...i think i just can't help myself. its like its beckoning me to come explore. The glow of the shiny, effervescent letter "e" is deliciously inviting. My hands reach for the mouse that's ever so eager to take a bite into the depths of the bluest of blues. For I know, this is "off limits," says the man (the IT MAN). But oh, what's a girl to do?

How does someone like me...a curious soul, a researcher, a writer, a creative explorer...NO NO NO...an ebay junkie...cut themselves off from such a myriad of information, knowledge and creative expression? it all waits patiently in html to be read and devoured by myself and others from around the globe.

it isn't fair. it's just not fair i tell you!

who will save me from this slavery to the "net"? who will loose me from the chains that hold me solely to the website of the "eb@y!!" who will hear my anguish? maybe the man will. his form of deliverance? maybe a lashing, a move, a firing! ooh i cant think this way lol!

maybe the "Real Man" will deliver me from this atrocity and place me in true freedom. Maybe my liberty lies in my own initiative. if i were putting my all into what i was supposed to do, i wouldn't have to worry about the chains of someone else's rule. the choking constraints of another man's vision. man this damn "e"....

thank you "e", for showing me the possibilites.

lol yes im a nutcase...but man this little "e" has been my source of enjoyment for a long time now....with nothing to do at home...with nothing to do at work...and no one to do "nothing" with..except for the little sweet boy..who drips all over me lol...and talks this language i cant understand....who eats everything off the floor that he can find....this little "e" has been my little friend....so with that said....damn i need some loving!!! lol rooooffllll!!!

wow...as everyone knows im addicted to ebay...and if you dont know...well I Am....its crazy how much i look on ebay...but man do i love it....im always finding some good deal...well this weeks best deal...shoot this year's best deal isssss...an hp photosmart 145 printer!!!! you will neeever guess how much it was.... $27.50!!!! im soo hyped up...i used my friend nikkis and i instantly fell in love with it...well i have my own...its soo nice...the best christmas gift ever lol....its crazy how crazy i am lol...the small things make me sooo happy!!! I LOOOVE EBAY!!!!

my horoscope today reads....

"Suddenly your place doesn't look the way you want it to. Oh, it's actually fine just the way it is, but you still feel like something just has to change. Maybe it's just time to rearrange some furniture!"

wow...im rearranging my room and living as we speak...it always takes me two days to do it...so ill finish it all in a minute...once im done with this blog...

i just thought it was intresting to see my horoscope say exactly what is going on it my life today...

but man isnt it boring when all you have going on in your life is rearranging a room lol....its more sad to think thats sooo cool lol...

hey..today is getting better...at least im out of the cold...

im reading this article in http://www.citybeat.com ....
its about this artist brian joiner...he had an exhibit here in the city...he is amazing..the exhibit was sooo good...it was soo different...usually you go to a museum and view paintings...but this was almost hands on....it was really unique...i wish more of my friends couldve seen it...black and white friends...i think its one of those exhibits i will remember for the rest of my life...its crazy because when it came time to talk about the exhibit with a friend...i didnt have much to say...but now when i think about it...i have lots to say...

man ive been trying to type this post allll day i started at 9:31 lol...and its now 4:02pm....oh well...ill type more when i get home...

peeeace...its coooold outside!!!

a good day for someone's HOT COCOA!! LOLOLOL!!!

tonight im feeling lonely...i think my son can feel that im sad...because he keeps coming over to hug me and or kiss me...its crazy how they know and sense everything....i love him sooo much...and just as i say that he starts whinning lol...

i think im feeling lonely because im thinking too much tonight...just about my past...i just feel like i need some love tonight...someone to just lay in bed with...and do absolutely nothing with...or read a good book...or listen to some good music...

when i think about the past...i always seem to get sad...because i dont have what i had...the joy of coming home to see someone you love...or waiting at home til they come...the joy of listening to them just babble about nothing at all..the joy of cooking (and i hate to cook) for them...and watching for the "this is nasty" look to come on their face...i just miss the joys i used to have in my soul...and now it seems like i only get them from someone who doesnt even know his own name hahahaha...my son...thats not to say those are super special joys...its just not what im talking about...

but its okay...im going to finish looking up things on ebay...and get in the bed...

i think my present life is okay...my son is great...he is a real joy to me...but my relationship life makes me sad.....oh well..i was just thinking...

and seems like tonight thinking makes me alittle sad...

by the morning...life will be okay again :) night

hey...i told myself...i should at least write in my blog once a week...i forgot about it yesterday...well lets see...whats been going on in my life...LOL NOTHING!! LOL....i feel really good about life...i heard my son cry momma the other day lol...that was like whoa...i think he was just saying nana...lol..oh well..i hear what i want!! Ive been keeping in contact with my cousin...which is really cool...ive missed talking to her...you know the one...the one that "bear" loves...yeah her...

welllllll...umm...ive been talking to my friend derek more...he is soo sweet to me...just one of the greatest people i know...we are always talking...but seems like lately...we have been really getting to the root of things...i help him...he helps me...he was telling me about his girl blowing up because one of his "girl" friends called their place...i had to be honest with him...ive done the same thing...i cant stand when women do that...lol...im jealous though lol...

man im in such a great mood...eventhough its soo dark outside...im making the best of it...

dad picks up kpp today...so i have alittle 'me' time...which some days i love...so i can sleep...but other days...man i miss him sooo much...oh well...everyone says i will love this 'me' time oh well...i cant wait...

and yeah i was looking at him last night...once he threw his bottle and shuffled around and got settled and went to sleep....wow this is my son...this big boy...grew inside me for months..and now look at him...i remember when he was just a thought...i love him sooo much...i cant wait to see him in a year...two years...even 10 years from now...its such a joy to escort him along his life's path right now...i love it...

so derek wanted me to say what happened between his girl and him...he said the post made him sound like a pimp...well here goes...

his friend (which is a girl) called his new place...see derek moved to a new city dc...with his "new wonderful beautiful girlfriend"...she is cute lol...but anyway...he has moved to the same city...they now live together...well see derek...i guess didnt feel the need to tell the world...that he would be moving in with his new wonderful beautiful girlfriend...

soooooo....his friend called their new place...ooooooohhh....of course the friend didnt know he now lives with his new wonderful beautiful girlfriend...so of course...he talked...while the girlfriend was like "what the fuuuuuukkk??!!"...and of couuuurse...men never seem to think anything is a big deal...well to women that is a huuuge deal..to have another woman call her house...to speak to HER MAN!!....CRAAAZYY...

well the new and beautiful and wonderful girlfriend went off....and i think with good intentions...so that was that...

what would you have done??
i wouldve went completely crazy lol...!! well not completely...but i wouldve let my boyfriend know thats not cool..and to let all your HOES know not to call OUUUURRR NEW WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL PLAAACE!!


OKAY DEREK...IS THAT GOOD??

man somedays i want things that i know i cant have..or cant help.....and seems like tonight is one of those nights...i want to be able to help but i really cant...i have to help from a distance..and its very hard...i have to step back and let things happen and let things work themselves out...but man...it pains me...but you know what...i have to learn to live with what has been provided to me by my creator and except the great things he has given me...and just let gooooo!!!! im going to lay down...man im soo tired tonight...

Figuratively, i imagine myself married to the man that i am unfortunately but hopelessly in love with..he i think...consumes 50% of my daydreams and 100% of my nightdreams lol..i didn't realize how much i think and talk about 'him' until the other day...i thought to myself...damn everybody that knows me knows of him..i didn't realize that he was such a big part of my life that i, apparently, wear like my favorite night shirt...the problem is he isnt real....the first time we meet i was sooo in love with him...i would do anything for him...shit i did anything for him...moved to be with him...loved him with no regrets..then all of a sudden all the love and all the passion had to end because of family...then the second time we meet...he needed things i couldnt give..he needed space..when i wanted to be right there...he didnt need me yet i needed him sooo bad...he needed to know that he was a tree so tall and strong...but i dont think he needed me to say that to him...he wanted others to understand it and feel it...but i continued to say it and i think he continued to hate me for it...life kept slapping him in the face..and i didnt understand...shit i couldnt understand...we were different...from different backgrounds...different families...just different....then the third time we meet...the person became something different...super loving... super caring...this time the tables were turned...the person would do anything for me....but because im soo stubborn..i wouldnt allow it...i wouldnt allow this person to love me unconditional...mainly because of what i thought others would say...so maybe this time..just maybe this time...if im given the chance to meet him again...maybe it will work...maybe it will be what i need at the time i need it...man i love you soo much...but where are you?? i cant wait to meet you again....hopefully in a dark alley so we can get our freak on lol...jk...thats my nonsex having self talking lol...but hey if i never meet you again i'm working on accepting it and disciplining myself so that I can love somebody else with at least half the energy I to love him with... it's just not that easy though...all of my activities illicit a thought of him somehow....sometimes there is a reason for it, sometimes there isn't....sometimes i just want him in the bed with me reading a good book...sometimes i just want him kissing that little place on my neck that i cant stand for someone to kiss because i love that feeling too much it makes me crazy...and sometimes i just want him on a sunday afternoon watching the steelers beat up whomever the next victim is...its crazy...one day it wont be soo crazy...i will just be glad when the outcome is here already....when the day comes that i can fast forward out of this twilight zone to the end of the movie already. What does the future hold for me? for my kpp? for the missing person who will complete my triangle to form "my family"..i hope to find the person someday...ive made up in my mind i wont run anymore...i will be steal and steadfast...and open to meeting someone good...someone good for me and the baby boy....i have to let love come...i have to let it be...because in the end i wanna just be...ummm what?? happy...loved...secure...cherished...

oh yeah my cousin she is soo precious to me...we kinda sorta grew up together...and i love her as if she were my little sister...im sooo happy for her!! she seems to be happy...she seems to have found a guy that loves her just for the person she is...and i really want to meet this ummm "jack"...bear is what she said they call him...awww i love her soo much...i should probably send her a link to my page so she can see how much i love her lol...but she was just telling me she'd read somewhere that she should marry for stability...i think i should marry someone because they love me...i think i give others stability...i told her i would be the kinda women who went to work while my husband stayed home lol..and everyone but ME would have something bad to say about it...i just always feel like i need too much...too much to ask for...so i never do...and then on the other hand...i feel like when i find a person i can ask for things...i go overboard...who knows when it will all end...who knows when that one and only person will come around...to love me just how i need to be loved...and when things go bad or sad...i stick it out...i find myself always running...and im done...i wont run anymore...i will stick it out...but then again if i keep running..maybe ill run into 'you'...and you will knock me right off my feet...or then again...if i keep running...ill run right pass 'you' so lol who knows...

i think im getting back into this blog thing....i really like it...i just kinda found myself not blogging becuase i was doing other things...well...november has come and gone..im now 28!! lol..my bday was the 7th of nov....right now i am in the process of reevaluating and restructuring my life and goals..i had taken myself off my high priority list, thus the depression...i think when i do that i loose myself..BUT I HAVE PUT MYSELF BACK ON IT!!..and i must say it feels good...i looked in the mirror this morning at my face...wondering wow...everyone says i look so young..but man i dont look anything like i did last year...i look more mature i think...more adult...resently, i have just been growing and developing just as my son grows up...i have seen my self evolve and revolve into a better woman because of it...its crazy ...it is kind of funny....everytime i go into a period of deep thought and introspection, i have a jones to create...usually trying to cook some meal or something...its crazy..the more i think the more i want to cook...lol thats probably why i cant loose that kpp weight lol!!! awwwwwhhhh!!!

i was listening to this song that de la soul put out a while back...and i was just thiking damn...i should feel this way but man i dont....recently i have been feeling very self conscious image wise...i am still carrying around baby fat and it is starting to make me feel really crazy...ive never been a small girl...but my belly has never looked like this either...i know it takes time for it to come off, but my baby is almost 10 months old on this monday....sometimes i praise my body like am the venus of willendorf because of the miraculous experiences it has carried me through...but on the other hand, i feel that beauty has escaped me...i know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and motherhood is one of the most beautiful things that can happen to a woman...i guess i will just keep shining in my beauty and see my baby fat as baby phat...

im counting down to the very last minute!!! im beginning to hate everything again...i just really need a short vacation...so this weekend im taking one...going about 2 hours away for alittle r&r and catching up with old friends...who i consider family...so this should be really fun...the baby can play and have a good time..going from one lap to another...crawling and partying....man i cant wait...

i havent seen them in soo long...seems like a year but i saw them in may...wow the boy is 8 months 9 in a two weeks...time is flying by....

it seems like i have a good day at work mentally..and then when i get home everything goes down hill...i just need some time away and some time alone...tonight the boy is going with dad..i will be able to take a long bath...wash my hair...and get everything ready....man if you think im talking about this trip alot...i am lol because im sooo ready to get out of dodge!!!!