wtf? MAN WHYYY??!!!....I CONTINUE TO SEE SHIT LIKE THIS WTF??!!! MAN K. COLE...WHY ARE YOU POSING WITH THIS LAME? you aint that cute..but damn this fool makes you look hooooott!!!! or equally as lame! lol which is it?...then this person has the nerve to be throwing up the westside? give me a damn break! ahahahahahahaha!!

I threw up in my mouth alittle bit! ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww....damn!!!!! i just looked at that picture again!

why do people continue to be over ignorant lol with their style...the acrylic fingernails but just on two fingers? keep your damn hands in your pockets fool!! give me a damn break man!! hahahaha WTF is this? a man or a woman??!!! ....

oh my goodness..my hostility is shining through today..i was going to try and control it.until i saw this damn picture!!!

DAMN! my people gotta do sooo much better than this shit lol...oh my goodness!! the fingernails?? whyy?? JUST FUGLY....(FOR YOU FOLKS THAT DONT KNOW..THAT MEANS FUCKING UGLY!)...

or should i say H.A.M. (hot ass mess!)...YEAH LETS JUST SAY...HONEYBAKED H.A.M!

these are some pictures from that biggie release party from the other night...damn all these folks there..and MTA is acting a damn fool? how they get there? walk? hahah wtf? people will do anything for some hot music and some drink and smoke!

i donno but damn can someone say exploiting?? lol..at first it was puffy...we all kinda expected that fool to be out for the papa...but now this nicca big's momma? lol damn...i hope when i die and my moms is still alive..so that she can somehow exploit me to get that money...maybe that folder on my computer labeled private will do it for her hahaha lol

yeah check these pics out from the party... click if you want them bigger..




this nicca benzino lol?! why are you there! fat joe..you need to be home collecting money to give to big puns wife...babs? ummm where you at? can i hear a cd? i thought her and other dude from making of the band was gonna be like "bonnie and clyde" (puffs words not mine!) lol...

i wasnt going to say shit about big's momma but damn...i cant even stand to look at her anymore...but i guess if kpp was a famous rapper and i knew everyone loved him i would do it! NOOOOOT! be serious!

gimmie da loot! gimme da loot! hahahaha! damn i miss biggie

okay..i think i need to clear some things up about my blog... (now if you dont know what im talking about...then im not talking to you lol)

okay..i think my blog lately has been misunderstood by some folks..they seem to think ive been talking about them.... WTF?

if i havent said anything to you...I WASNT TALKING ABOUT YOU..
if i havent said i dont love you no mo'..THEN DAMN I LOVE YOU BOO! LOL...WE STILL PEOPLES! SHIT!
if i havent said you make me sick..JUST KNOW YOU ARE ON MY GOOD SIDE!
if i havent said im talking about you...JUST KNOW..IM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU! GEEEEZZZ!!

im a poet..i write poetry..i write poems about love..i write poems about love lost...i write about my past present and future love...
i write about my friends..past and present...
i write about my situations...
i write about my sunshine...

damn man give me a break..stop writing shit on your blog about me...if you have something to say...tell me fool!!!...before i let "sho yah"..line yo ass up with the other COMPLAINING ASS biotches and slap the shit outta you for me!!!...stop with all the vague mentions of conversations we have had..YOU SUCK!..i was trying to be happy with you...but now i see...yo ass will never really be happy..no matter what i do...or dont do...no matter how many conversations i listen to...no matter how much attention i give you! damn..you suck!!!...get happy from within..and if im not the friend you need...drop me like a bad habit!..damn i hate people...(didnt i already say this shit today!!!)...i hate people!!!...

i cant make you happy...i cant be a better friend...i'm me..im who i am the first day you meet me..i will be who i am when this relationship is over! damn get a grip...i hate reading folks blogs and its some vague ass interpretation of something i said on my blog..and it doesnt have shit to do with you in the first place...

take my blog for what it is...my thoughts..my life...not something between me and you..unless i give yo punk ass a shout out!...cause 100% of the time..if ive written it on my blog...you heard it from me first...

so stop your drama...if i have beef with you..if i dont like you anymore..i will tell you...if i have an issue with you..shit i will let yo ass know! damn i hate yall biotches on these blogs!! they shouldnt have ever made this shit hahaha!!! yes they shouldve..so i dont have to cuss yo ass out today!! hhhaahaha...i can just type it on my blog! lol



okay truce? truce!..DAMN FREAK!

damn..why dont people realize that the grass aint greener on the other side...SHIIIITT!!!!

if you love someone stick with them..be patient...communicate what you want and need...especially if your mate is a good person...

why does everyone always think its greener??!!!!!??? I DONT!..but then again..who is weird like me...i always have stuck with what ive had.....especially when that shit is great!

so to all you complaining bitches (men and women! cause men can be bitches too!)...your new year's resolution needs to be this....

1. STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING ABOUT WHO YOU ARE WITH!

2. IF YOU DONT LIKE THEM...LEEEEAVVEEE!!!

3. IF THEY ARENT GOOD IN BED...STOP TELLING ME! LEAVE!

4. IF THEY DONT LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU NEED AND DESIRE TO BE LOVED..LEAVE!!

5. IF THEY WATCH TOO MUCH DAMN REALITY TV AND YOU WANT TO BE OUTSIDE..LEAVE!!

6. IF THEY HAVE FAKE NAILS AND BAD WEAVES..AND YOU THAT SHIT!! LEAAAVEEE!

7. IF HE/SHE IS A DEAD BEAT PARENT! LEAVE!...BECAUSE CHANCES ARE..IF YOU EVER HAVE A BABY TOGETHER! THEY WILL BE DEADBEATS!!

8. IF THEY TALK TOO DAMN MUCH..AND YOU WANT SIIILLLEEENNNCEE (LIKE MARTIN USED TO SAY)...LEAVE!!!!

9. IF THEY DONT COOK FOR YOU AND YOU WANT A HOME COOKED MEAL WHEN YOU GET HOME! LEAVE!

10. AND FINALLY! IF THEY ARENT LOVING YOU RIGHT...IF THEY DONT HOLD YOU RIGHT...IF THEY ARENT SEXING YOU RIGHT..IF THEY ARENT GIVING YOU ORAL LOVING (FOR MEN AND WOMEN) HAHAHA ...IF THEY ARENT HOLDING YOUR HAND AND KISSING YO ASS (AND YOU ON THAT LOVEY DOVEY SHIT)...PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR IN THE NEW YEAR....STOP CALLING ME COMPLAINING ABOUT IT!! LEAVE!!!!!!!



DAMN IM ANGRY TODAY HAHAHA BUT IM SICK OF MY FRIENDS CALLING ME TELLING ME ABOUT THEIR FUCKED UP REALTIONSHIPS BUT ARENT GOING ANNNYYYWHERE...BE HAPPY IN WHAT YOU HAVE...BE HAPPY THAT HE/SHE IS THERE...BE HAPPY..AND BE PATIENT..SO WHAT...IF HE DOESNT COOK FOR YOU..BUT HE LOVES YO ASS DOWN AND COMES HOME AT NIGHT WITH GREAT CONVERSATION..(FACE IT..HE ISNT A GOOD COOK!)...LOL..SO WHAT...IF SHE DOESNT LIKE SPORTS..BUT SHE COOKS THE HELL OUT OF SOME COLLARD GREENS AND CORNBREAD W SO WHEN THE GAME IS OVER..YALL CAN EAT!...(FACE IT...SHE AINT A SPORTS FAN LIKE ME! NICCA!)..

DAMN MAN! I SWEAR! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! IN THE NEW YEAR! QUIT THAT COMPLAINING SHIT!!!!!!

BEACUSE DAMN IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING GOOD..WORK AT IT...EVERYDAY AINT PEACHES AND CREAM...BE PATIENT..AND AFTER BEING PATIENT AND LOVING..AND SHIT STILL AINT GOING THE WAY YOU WANT IT...BE AN ADULT AND GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP THE RIGHT WAY..NO CHEATING..NO LYING..JUST BOUNCE.....AND STOP CALLING ALL OVER GODS CRATION TELLING EVERYONE HOW FUCKED UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS!! CAUSE 9 TIMES OUT OF 10..HE/SHE AINT DOING WHAT YOU ANT BECAUSE OF YOU!...(DID YALL HEAR THAT? IF HE/SHE AINT GIVING IT..ITS BECAUSE YO ASS AINT GIVING IT..IF SHE DONT COOK...ITS PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE FEELS UNDER APPRECIATED..YO ASS NEVER CLEAN THE KITCHEN! OR SAY THANKS...IF HE DOESNT BUY YOU NICE THINGS...MAYBE ITS CAUSE YOU A GOLDIGGER AND HE KNOWS THE SHIT HAHAH...IF SHE DOESNT WEAR LINGERIE..MAYBE ITS BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS SNATCH IT OFF OF HER ANYWAY..WHATS THE POINT REALLY..YOU DONT LOVE HER SLOW HOW YOU 'POSE TO HAHAHA (im soo grammatically challenged lol but hey im from Mississippi lol)...YEAH MAN DAMN..STOP COMPLAINING...

HAHAHA IM DOCTOR PHIL IN THIS PIECE! IM OUT!!!

ive known for many years now that ive walked alone in this life..

but not until tonight was i forced to apprehend the truth as it continued to flee from me...

this truth collided with my fantasy that THIS love is everlasting and would always remain right beside me...

holding my hand ever so tightly...

im rejoicing tonight that i have been given the opportunity to multiply....

I never knew just how much i would need my sunshine....

to help me through this array of blacks and grays...

i knew that one day this would all come to past...

but i ducked and dodge the obvious...

and tonight after all has been said and done...

this has been my hearts ultimate calamity...

ive walked this road soooooooo long alone..and i never once thought id have to continue with MYSELF by my side.

im sorry i couldnt be the person you dreamed...

and im sorry after all my begging and pleading that you wont recognize just who i am...

and let our paths reconnect and encounter this special love again...

the truth has manifested itself soo painstakingly obvious to me...

i cant be your accomplice in this persevering task we call life...

im forever in your debt for keeping me abundantly whole at my darkest midnight hour..

thank you..

forever..

i am melancholy but i still say thank you....

forever was always something i said with ease...

because my love for you was never blindsided by obstacles...

or pushed aside with life's lessons...

but tonight i know forever is just that...

FOREVER ALONE IN LOVE......

Question??????????????
What do say? When an e-mail is sent to you by the only woman that you have EVER love for almost 10 years.

I'm giving you 5 months to straight whatever it is that you gots to get straight. Then I'm moving there and we getting married and having a baby I don't need you to agree or disagree. Because we been playing this game to long and you love me and I love you.

Now to the Fellas:
What do you do if you get this from the female that youve always loved?
Do you respond to this email?
Do you respond to the woman that you have talked to almost everyday for 10 years or do you just ignore the e-mail completely?

And Ladies:
Is this something that you would ever send to the man that you've loved almost 10 years?

This is really an important question that I need an answer to. So leave your comment or instant message me, if you the shy type.

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damn i think i just read the blog of the fucking year lol....i read this guys blog off and on alot...and today i read him describing what a sexy is to him..

so umm ive decided ill do the same....in the dicitionary sexy is

1. Arousing or tending to arouse sexual desire or interest.
2. Slang. Highly appealing or interesting; attractive:


to me...sexy is....

* when you lay your head in my lap and look up at me...and we communicate without word

* when i can cook for you...and YOU do the dishes...

* (now this one may be alittle confusing) when im walking down the isle of the grocery store and i stop in front of you...and you run into me...cause you acting like you didnt see me stop...just to feel my bootie lol...

* when i smell you on my jacket..because before i went to work..you hugged me tight...and all day i smell your love around me....oooooooooooh sexy..cause damn..you smell soo good!

* when i have on a low cut top and you look at me and say "put those up..those are for me" lol...hahaah sexxxxyyy!!! lol (that really happened to me..)

* when you come over with fresh new hair..lordie! thats soo sexy...like wow..you look sooo good!

* that night you came home early to find me in the bed reading..and you came right in..didnt disturb me...you just kissed me, laid down..and when i started to talk..you said...no baby finish reading "i dont want to disturb you"....and went to sleep...(see thats soo sexy..because you know i love you..you know i care...i know you love me...i know you care....and you are okay with me doing my own thang...you understand that reading makes me happy...so you gave me what i needed...those lips..and a "im going to bed baby...i love you"....and you went to sleep..did i say sexxxxy!!!)

* its when you know i have a child..yet you love him even more because he looks just like me lol......(now if this aint the sexiest thing...)

* (this is a better one)...when we were in the mall and someone said...your child is soo handsome....(eventhough he is MY child)...you just smiled kept walking (never mentioning that he wasnt ours....sexxxxxyy!!!)

* when we are riding down the street and you look over and say..."i love you" just because...but you dont get mad when i dont say it back...because shit we all know you got my heart...all i need to do is look at you and smile..cause that means waaay more than words...

* when you kiss me on my forehead cause im sick..you dont want to catch what i got..but you gotta be kissing me...yeah thats seeeexy lol...makes a sista feel extra good...

* oh yeah..when you cook for me..and take care of me..when im sick...(oooh thats soo sexy...makes me want to give you my germs and have sex right there...cause you already know when you get sick i am going to do the same for you...sooooo sexy!)

* when ive cooked something that i thought was soo good...(and it really wasnt)...you dont look at me twice while eating it...you say..."this isnt that good baby...but i love you"...ooh sexy! cause momma always trying some new receipe lol

* you know on that saturday when there is nothing to do....well you go in your "small" book collection..and we read together..you read to me..i read to you..

* when im shopping for clothes and you come in the "womans" store with me..and watch me try on clothes...thats sooo sexy..cause who cares about those other women...you are with me...

* when you are shopping for yourself..but you want me to go...because you want my opinion on what looks good on you...oooooooh thats soo sexy...

* its really sexy..if i come home and you are there laying in bed waiting for me...ooh thats really sexy..cause i know what may happen...

* when i can just put my head on your shoulder cause ive had a bad day..and you dont try and fix it..you just let me talk...tell me "you got me" thats sooo sexy

* when i check my messages....and all i hear is..."i love you"..and you hang up...because what more needs to be said....man damn..thats sooo sexy....

* oooh sexy is when you in the bathroom..and you just gotta talk to me...so you open the door because you didnt want to be alone..hahaa...(yeah thats nasty but thats when you know you love someone)

* i said me cooking for someone is really sexy...but when you come in the kitchen and say "babe what do you need me to do" yeah that shit is ultra sexy...cause yeah im cooking..(but i think i smell the bread burning! lol)

* its when we are laying in bed together..and you want me on you...you want my hands on you..you want my body on you...and when i fell like i may crush you lol cause ima big girl..you say......"i got you.." (now didnt i say i was a big girl....so if you say this..you better have me lol)

* sexy is when i have noooo money..and neither do you...yet we still find a way to be happy...playing uno! or some board game lol..thats soo sexy...and boring lol

* sexy is when....im scared at home alone..and you call me..to make sure im okay..thats not only sexy..but its soo nice to know that you love me...

* its that night i came home late from work...and you were there waiting for me..with dinner....(eventhough your dinner consist of french fries and a hot pocket!) thats soo sexy!

* oh yeah..when i walked out without giving you a kiss and you call me or text me..and say...you didnt kiss me today..that means i need extras when i see you later! lol seeeesxxxxyyyyy!!!

* and finally...when i lay in the bed..and you lay right beside me..and tell me your fears...your dreams...and how you want me to be there through them all..yes lord..now thats sexy!!!!




yeah i know..this is soo nice...but most of it has never happened to me...but the stuff that has..i think its soo sexy....i think its sooo nice..the hot pocket and french fry dinner thing...i made that up..but thats something yall would do lol..say i made you dinner baby! lol and its a damn hot pocket and fries lol....but shit thats sexy..cause i couldve come home..and had an air sandwich! lol....

so yeah someone who is sexy all over...and who appreciates me..and in turn i will appreciate them..and give them that sexy side of me..that i dont show anyone...yeah thats sooooo sexy lol...damn if i say sexy one more freaking time lol...

night

oooh i have been slacking on my blog lately..i found that yahoo 360 blog..and its soo cool and easy...to get connected...listen to me..i sound like a damn commerical..but that ish is pretty cool...i was on it last night for like 2 hours looking at different people...

yeah yeah yeah...about my weekend...lol i wrote about it on my "other blog" damn i love that 360...

but anyway i was asked to come up to cleveland for christmas by my second mom and her sisters...

and i was just thinking...damn kpp has a father...whom im not with..but yet its still his father and who is active in his life...okay...so...i dont have a life...i never do anything for chirstmas...maybe go to my familys house...we didnt last year because of the big snow storm...but my question is...can i really take kpp out of town for christmas?? his father is here in town...would that be right?...and then im thinking...do families have this debate all the time?? like where will the child be for christmas?....is that fair to dad?? but then i think about it like this...when will i ever be able to do something? his family and friends live in this city...i dont have family here...so whenever i want to go out of town for a holiday...what will happen?...will i always decline so my son will have both parents for holidays??...its really sad when i think about it...i wish things could be different..but they arent...this is what they mean on the today show when they say things like..yeah you arent married but it seems like you have gotten a divorce....i dont know what to do...i would really like to go up there for christmas..i havent spent a christmas with them in years..but on the other hand...is it mean?...when do i get to live my life?? when kpp can choose which parent he wants to stay with when?? or is that wrong too? like making a child choose?...its wild...and damn it makes me sad to think...i put my baby boy in this situation...by not thinking before i act...

ok..so thats the question..is it wrong to take your child out of town on holidays...when his father is active in his life??...so like his father will miss out on his christmas...or like corey said...we will celebrate christmas before christmas.....i donno..corey said nothing is wrong with it...my friend girl said...i didnt ask to be a single parent...i mean yeah..no but this was a consequence when i laid down..that this shit could happen...we werent together...so ummm..lol..right...

okay again i ask...is this wrong? or just a fact of life? when two people arent together...and they have a child??

i was told by my uncle and stepmom friday that my little cousin has a brain tumor...its not malignant...nor it is an AVM...which are both good things...but it is inoperable...

having children is suuuch a great thing...its suuch a great experience...but i tell you...this is the only downfall...worrying...praying that nothing happens to them...i love kpp soo much...and i pray daily that he is safe with the Lord watching over him...especially when we aren't together...

here he is...i couldn't resist not showing him any longer lol...last week was the last warm week....its back to jackets and jeans...so i decided i would take the camera to the park with us....wow...i got some good shots...especially the last one! lol...with him crying looking up to the heavens hahahaa...he is suuuuch a character!!!




kpp looking like a big boy...it was rather surprising when i put this outfit on him...he looked like he was 3 or 4...odd what clothes can do...



and this red hat...i just turned it to the back..not knowing that he would look sooo dang cute hhahaha!!!





okay night...i have to finish watching the bengals!!...im hoping they win it tonight!..damn i cant believe im rooting for the bengals! lol this is hilarious!!

so ummm nikki wants to be featured on my blog...

she wants me to talk about what good things she does...
she wants me to talk about what bad things she does...
she wants me to talk about how on thursdays because its her day off (ummm and because i dont have a job) we hang out....
she wants me to talk about her...

so ummm what should i say??

she is...ummm my friend...simply put...

i guess she wants me to tell some elaborate tale of mystery or how we yell at little kids while driving by (well that was me lol but you get my drift)...
or how we laugh sooo hard that my stomach starts to hurt...and i see her change into the mean "white girl" (well she doesnt know thats what i call it...but i guess once she reads this she will..lol)

i guess she wants me to tell you guys how i looooove nerds and geeks (her being a nerd) and i befreind them because i love them...because they teach me something new everyday...
i donno...i guess she wants me to discuss how "white" she is to me...
shit i donno what she wants me to say....so ill say this...

YOU MADE IT TO MY BLOG!....you are my favorite suburan, oreo cookie, catholic, proper talking, little white girl...(in a black chicks body lol)..YOU ARE NOW BLOG FAMOUS!!!

so one time my friend said that blogging was simply...complacency....narcissism...you know two not so common words for the more common word of conceit!.....

do you think thats true?

i guess when you look at it...honestly....we are all a little conceited...We all want to talk about ourselves...we all love ourselves in our own special way(whether that be self-loathing or delightful)...we all want to be accepted and recognized for what we know or how we look or what we did...or even what we didnt do for that matter....we all want to leave our mark on society and in history in some way...enormous or insignificant lol...(as you can see im using bigger words every since i saw corey...i couldve just said...big or small lol)

so is blogging how we, the 20 somethings...me being closer to the => 30 somethings...is this how we do it?? by bloggin?.....

over the last month...ive read blogs of friends who swore way back when...when i made my first website grandstanding on the fact that i was who i was!...my site was impregnated with beautiful pictures of me and my world, countless pieces of my very own mythological poetry (well what i thought to be anyway lol).....and enough stories of my life that would fill a small stadium lol....but they all said....shit...they vowed..."I WOULD NEVER DO THAT...its too open for all to see..."...well here it is...2005...yeah they are slow on the uptake...but they made it...congratulations! :) im glad you've joined me....(well me and the rest of the world...)...i guess im writing all of this because i read the blog of one of my favorite people tonight...he is my muse for this blog entry...

i guess my question now is....why?....if i said i knew the answer they would all call me the "know it all" they all think i am lol...they would say.."what do you really know" lol...so ill ask?...why? why did you join us??...so you too could parade your thoughts and lives over the internet..??....its great isnt it!! hahahaha!!! its like your little online diary!...and ill be stealing your key from under your pillow and opening up the bottom drawer on your night stand...to sneak a peak every now and then.......i cant wait...

its always astonishing to me when my son either: figures out something...learns something new...or speaks some new word....

well tonight..it was "his shadow".....its funny because we always watch this dvd..."bear and the big blue house"....well on the show there is this character named..."SHADOW".....he loves her....she is just a shadow on the wall (i've always said my son would love the simple things in life..)...he laughs and screams when i pull out the dvd........he starts to scream out..."SHADOW!!! SHADOW!!!"....so tonight was kind of odd lol....he saw his own shadow...and even played with it for a short time...then he started to whine...almost cry...and for like a half a second i wondered why????...but then I HAD IT!?.....HE WAS SCARED!!!!....i couldnt believe it...i almost wanted to show him his shadow again..so i could understand his fear...wtf?...he was just playing with the damn thing...and now he is petrified?! hahahaa....that shit was insane ...

i shouldnt think that this is soo amusing......but i do...i think its comical because he has become soooo "self-sufficient" lately (well as independent as a french speaking, dirty diaper wearing, french fry eating 19 month old can be lol)...lol...i almost felt good because he needed me...he needed me to pick him up...shelter him from "his shadow", his new fear....it just shows me that he isnt done with me yet....i feel good...eventhough he was scared lol...i feel needed...

its something about my little "sweets (what i call him)" growing up...i feel a little melancholy when i see him growing because i feel left out in some way.........yet on the other hand...i feel sooo full....full of pride...love...hope....i fell...like a mother.....i feel normal...because every proficient and loving mother has had these feelings...

wow...my son..he's growing up...yet he is only 19 months...but everyday he is acquiring all this knowledge to become.....this wonderful human being....i cant wait to see him at 4 :) lol

i love my sweets...i think ill add that as my signature on my email...haha...thats cute...someone will probably think im hungry and offer me a snickers bar hahahaa...oh well...

i love my sweets (kpp)...he is MARVELOUS!

lately ive been thinking a lot about my life and the direction it has taken...good and bad...and wow...im breathlessly awaiting to see how these trials and tribulations will imprint my life....

i woke up this morning at 5am looking at my son...yes yes yes...he is spoiled therefore he sleeps with me....( i have a one bedroom apartment...i think even if i had a 5 room place he would probably be in bed with me....i mean there is no one esle in my bed)....i digress...

i wake up and im in aww at his little face...its still dark...but enough light outside from the street lights for me to see him...i love mornings like this....he is laying there...with his feet in my chest..and his hands on my face...(yes picture that...could you really get a good nights sleep in the shape of a "U"?...he does lol)...he is laying there..and im just watching his chest move...watching his breath consume him....then leave him...its a wonderful feeling to be in love...to be in love with someone...who is in love with you....my son...

i always thought that we would have this perfect relationship.....the one i read about or saw on tv...and after his birth i was depressed for a couple of months because i agonized over me being this perfect mother...the one i'd deemed myself unworthy to be.....well i am perfect now!! hahaha...im the only mother he will ever know...we are a perfect match....no i dont mean im perfect without faults...but my love for him is as perfect as it comes...as raw as it gets...as clear as a glass after you've cleaned it with windex lol..i love my son...

i watched my child this morning...all the stains on my sheets from him sipping on his sippy cup...his leaky diaper....and that little bit of grape jelly that was still on his shirt from last night...haaha..i watched him....he is sooo beautiful....i've always been the mushy type..but man...ive never been like this...the person who will cry over how much someone sooo small can mean to me...(oh what the hell am i talking about?...YES I HAVE!)....that kid.....my little revolutionary...my little eater off the floorer lol....he is my love....he is pure..he is sooo wonderful.....and even with his new found prospective on his own little life...you know that one that all children get at his age...HIS INDEPENDENCE!....and yes thats frustrating to see..but he is soo wonderful to me...i watch him...

i watch his hands move...i look at his little dirty fingernails...(because brother didnt take a bath last night lol)...and i just watch him....i look at my mobile to see the time...and its 530am....wow..."i should try to sleep alittle...i just went to bed at 3am....why am i not sleeping...because i just want to watch my boy....my seed..."

my seed...wow...fertilized by baba (dad in swahili).....and wow....im amazed....im amazed that through our entire relationship...us knowing each other for the years that we did...that kpp is the best thing we have ever done....all the places we'd been...all the internet we'd experienced together ahaha kpp is the best!....this fertilization wasnt planned....but welcomes...i was scared...yet i had courage to love...i felt alone...yet kpp was there with me the whole time....wow..my little seed....he is growing up to be a great little guy....my offspring..he can forever say that "my momma loves me"....(well whenever he feels the need to even speak...shit to even say momma...mom or something..damn...he says dad...but not mom...oh well...i got green eyes like a mofo....cause i see his littel face every morning lol....shit ive changed his dirty diaper more times hahaah and stayed up with him crying...and all he can do is look at me and run away and smile and say...dad...hahaha....hell naw....okay...back to my love explosion)...yeah..god's son..our son....my son...he is the best.....

and i cant wait to disclose to him my inner most feelings about how i felt about him from day one.....and listen to him say..."eewwww mommie....get away from me!"...i cant wait to see him run away from me...because he knows that when i see him i muuuust have a kiss..i cant wait for him to overstand how much i love him....i cant wait to tell him that i would surely lay down my life for his in a given situation...i cant wait....

i just can not wait....

kpp is taking a quick nap...so i can blog ...

I'm tired of being alone in love..

nobody is here to induce my artsy side...prompt my lovey dovey side...work up that side of me thats sooo soft (because lately...im a hard ass hahaha....yeah thats hilarious..ME a hardass...)...no one is here to temp that side of me that will make me get on my knees and give the best fellatio that ive ever given

hahahaah...did i just say that?...yep i did....but i need that...i need someone to excite me...propel me to my highest high....not to say that i do much....not to say when i find this person..i will become president...because i wont...i will just think great thoughts...i will love things again...(not just kpp lol)...i will love my photoshop creations (because lately i feel like everything i do it...blah!)........I've found that I need this motivation.

it seems to me lately that everything is banal and common...It would seem like i shouldnt feel this way...at this point in myu life now that i have the love of kpp.....i guess i want someone to share him with...yeah you may say...he has a father...but we arentcollaborators in love....but he and i dont have that "thing"....that thing i need...and i wont force it.....

yeah its something about THIS loneliness i feel...i think its probably because i have new people around me..people who say they care and love me......but none fo them show it as much as i would like...i always have to be "depressed" for them to care...because usually im the carer..not the careee hahaah thats not a word...but you get my drift lol.....they all just think about themselves...and i keep them around for the little attention i do get from them.....they dont SPARK ME.....have you ever had that feeling...of being in a room full of people...and you still feel all alone...well thats how i feel....some of my friends will probably be upset with me for saying this...they will probably not talk to me for a while...but its true...i listen..they talk...but none of them seem to hear me or give me advice when i soooo need it...or just be easy with me.......their lives revolve around them (which is never a bad thing but dont expect to be my sun because im not revolving around you)......and they seem to love the fact that "luuve will always be there"....so i continue to write on my blog about how boring and loney my life is...instead of writing entertaining and exhilarating blogshit..

i was just about to hit the sack...but i saw this blog...i wont name the blog...well actually i cant remember the name of the blog...haha opps...

this guy calls his girlfriend...."sweets"....and i thought about dad and kpp...i call them both that...

so of course i had to show dad cause he was still up...and
he says...
"dad: you get happy about the smallest things"
then i said....
"Luuvely: yeah i try to live my life like that...makes the big BAD stuff not soo big and bad."....

wow...im happy i get happy over the little things in life...dad probably thinks its a horrible thing...but i think i do because...when the BIG GOOD stuff comes...it is sooooo AWESOME!!!!!

ive been depressed alittle lately...but i feel good tonight.....dad has a really calming spirit for me...(haha i say like..the lord gave him to me hahaha...naw...i just mean he is a good friend to me)...and i thank him for being around when i need him....its nice...im glad we are parents working together to raise a great son....we couldnt be the ideal family..but i thank God that we are making "our family" work...

thank you Lord....because i loooove kpp and i want nothing but the best we can give for him!

night :)

Things I Like in my Mate! oooh so the things that are in white..ive found them in someone...lets shoot for all 25!...or am i asking for tooo much??!!

1. loves my son
2. is spiritual
3. we make great love! meaning ummm great cunnilingus!
4. is kinda romantic but not too mushy! ewww sometimes i hate all that mushy stuff...
5. is clean and organized...but doesnt complain about me being messy..
6. takes me around the friends (sometimes and only the ones i like haahaha!)
7. loves the arts
8. cooks for me
9. open minded...because i can be a freak sometimes lol
10. loves family
11. compassionate yet courageous
12. has great hygiene
13. loves great music!
14. Intelligent...a super smart...geeeekkk! i love geeks!
15. Loves my family...can i really ask that from someone! hahaha...my people are craaazzzy!!!
16. Respects me
17. Strong minded
18. Hardworking but not a work-aholic
19. funny alittle on the goofy side...because i am...
20. Freaky
21. Stable cause i need someone to live with if i get evicted lol
22. Great sex...
23. loves me for the person i am...with all my faults...still loves me...
24. Freaky
25. oh yeah okay...freaky!

im still searching for a job...its depressing really...
i was asked..well when is your money going to run out lol...
ummmmm...i answered....2 weeks ago! lol...my friend laughed...
so i continue to search...its really crutical lol!



oh yeah...so this morning i was really depressed...and sad...about the whole money situation...so i texted dad..and its something about his calming spirit that soothes me...im glad we are friends...

thanks baba! :)

okay..i kinda fixed it...i did some new design..and just wanted to show off alittle...but whatever..okay..i fixed it alittle...ill finish tomorrow...im sleepy :)

oh yeah...

its a little brother concert on friday here in the city...

if you read my blog regularly...you will know the last concert that i reeeallly wanted to go to...was ummmm..jill scott...and you remember i had to go alone...

well this time...i have more friends wanting to go than a few...

i hate my life somedays hahaha...its like...when i reeeaallly want to be with someone...no one is around...and when i reeeally just wanna hang alone...or with one person....everyone says...."wanna go?"...wtf?!

oh well...ill have to talk to corey about it...he is one of the people too...
maybe we will all just go TOGETHER!...hahaha that will be funny...

my friends are soo different..they probably would all hate each other...

i have some real hip hop heads...
who would probably hate the smarty fartys...
then i have those friends who love me...like really are IN LOVE...with me...
who would hate those other friends who im REALLY IN LOVE WITH!...
then i have some great GAY or BI friends...who hate all of my straight friends...
i love my friends...each and every ONE OF THEM!

HAHAHAH I FUCKED MY BLOG UP!!...so i need to try and fix it...i hate the fact that this blogger uses templates...so i cant really do much html! hahaha...

oh well...ill fix it..and it will be great!

i just got off the phone with corey...what is becoming my favorite morning ritual...its usually right when i wake up...but before kpp wakes up...and when kpp wakes up...he is in suuucch a great mood...talking and loving on me...so its soo nice...i stay on the phone alittle while longer...and kpp has reign over the apartment lol...i know he loves the fact that corey calls lololol.....

but anywho corey made something sooo clear to me with this phone call...
that my feelings are NOT more important than the truth"....WOW..no one has ever told me that before...
he always does this little thing...he says he is getting off the phone then he.........keeeeepppps talking...its like ive set myself up for him to get off the phone...prepared myself...got alittle sad with the fact that the phone call will end...and ill have to start my day without his guidance lol...and then.......HE KEEPS TALKING...so now i have to go through my steps again...so i tell him this...and he was like...awww...you are difficult..you know the phone call will end...

but i dont care about that...i still get alittle sad about it..its like telling someone that is greiving that their family member has "gone to a better place" hahaha..thats a bunch of shit...im still sad about it......

and he goes on to say...oops ill get in trouble for doing this..because he hates when you paraphrase his words but i have to right now...he goes on to say...that thats how he lives his life...thats how he "snaps back"...because he understands that truth is more important than his feelings...wow...i love him...or did i already say that lol....he teaches me sooo much...and i like that about our relationship...he probably doesnt think he does..buthe does...some days he says things that are soo profound..but then other days...i would rather change a dirty diaper than to talk to him hahaaha...(dont tell him i said that lol)..but even on those days...i love talking to him...