Monday, July 21, 2008

just us...


so my peaceful time is no longer...it all ends tonight.....

i feel like ive been riding in the passenger seat of some luxury sedan...riding down some long seaside road...with the ocean breeze hitting my face..my hair in the wind...listening to some great cd..kpp sleeping in the backseat...the person driving? well it doesnt really matter..its not me...just the way i like it....im laid back as far as my seat can go...thinking of everything good in my life...just riding...my inner most thoughts surrounding me......feeling the love.....loving myself and my son..and maybe that person driving??...maybe.....and riding...riding down freedom drive...smelling the salty ocean smell that we all love...and dozing off into a tranquil slumber....and then BOOM! out of no where... a baracoda runs out...and the driver HITS IT!! lol... yeap...thats how i feel...

ive been doing really good lately..mentally..feeling really good...even..balanced......physically..ive been running around with kpp nonstop..yet not tired.....playing tennis on tuesdays...swimming on thursdays....karate on mondays and wednesdays...and playing and running in living all the time in between....and spiritually..well just knowing that im loved by my god..is enough.....knowing that when i feel a unsteady burst of emotions..that ill be taken care of...that he is holding my hand....yeah ive been feeling really good...and now...well now...my mother is coming back...and noooo i dont think of her as a baracoda...but i do think of her some of the negative energy that has been surrounding me for the last few months...one of the reasons ive been feeling angry and annoyed easier than before...the reasons why i can never seem to finish a project at home...the reasons why i was feeling displaced even in my own home....

see her is the short...my mother did this great thing by coming to live with us for what i assumed would only be for a few weeks..at the most 2 months..while i organized my life financially.....well weeks turned into months... months turned into a year..and now we're dashing to the 18 month mark...she remains here...here..with us....doing whatever it is she does...

for the last month..ive been really relaxed..and living..and being home...and cozy...before then..i NEVER stayed home..i made it my business to leave..and stay gone...while my house was smoked out...although she doesnt smoke in any areas of the house..she smokes in her room..and its a nuisance..i just want my space back..my personal life back..my time and energy at home..i want it alll back....and tonight is the night to tell her everything ive not told her...ive kind of skated around the subject to say the least..hoping she would get the umpf to get her own place..or at least figure out something different...but tonight..on the way from picking her up..we will have the conversation..ive never been a "we need to talk" person...ive always just said what ive wanted to say..but seeing as though this is my mother..and she did a really noble thing in coming to live with us for a "few months" to help with kpp...i should be a little more "feelingly"...so tonight is the night...

i feel sooo good..and honest and open..and my life is really nice...and even..and happier..and i want these feelings to continue...i know once i get home..ill be all upset..because she will say SOMETHING to piss me off...something will be said to 'TRY' and make me feel bad...but it wont...my mother is over 50...decades older than me..a fully capable middle aged woman...its time...if not by her watch...by mine...

all this time ive had to realize that she doesnt do thing initially...maybe she does..but lets assume she doesnt..but uninitially..ive let things take me away from my son..i cant really blame that on her...i let things get out of hand in my "romantic" life......and i let my anger consume me...angry at myself...angry that i would put myself in certain situations...for not preparing more...preparing for things not to happen...preparing for things to happen....but now...its in the past..

i want to experience a brighter future..with more positives..my friends..and loved ones...my friends...well i only have positive people around me these days...unless its those old friends who i just can NEVER seem to shake..but because im used to them lol..im usually the beckon for them..rather them a dark place for me...

but yeah..its time..kpp starts preschool..REAL SCHOOL...as he calls it...in a month...and its time for him to completely have his own space..away from me...no clothes in my closet...no sleeping in my bed because he has to..because the front is just tooo scary...all this...its time..he is a 4 year old H writer lol its time! :)

i feel sooo good tonight..he was in the tub earlier...swimming his little head off..singing and screaming..and this is the sound i want to hear..no tv...no phone...no loud talking..just the two of us...just us...he and i...

**********update**************she didnt come tonight :) lol

1 comments:

Days like These! said...

Yeah!!!!!!!!! Sounds like you're on the road to telling her what you need to tell her. Good luck with that. I admire you for allowing her to stay that long.

You know fish and company stink after 3 days and MUST BE THROWN OUT! LOL

p.s. School will be so much fun for him!!!

Did you get him a very cool backpack for the event????