Figuratively, i imagine myself married to the man that i am unfortunately but hopelessly in love with..he i think...consumes 50% of my daydreams and 100% of my nightdreams lol..i didn't realize how much i think and talk about 'him' until the other day...i thought to myself...damn everybody that knows me knows of him..i didn't realize that he was such a big part of my life that i, apparently, wear like my favorite night shirt...the problem is he isnt real....the first time we meet i was sooo in love with him...i would do anything for him...shit i did anything for him...moved to be with him...loved him with no regrets..then all of a sudden all the love and all the passion had to end because of family...then the second time we meet...he needed things i couldnt give..he needed space..when i wanted to be right there...he didnt need me yet i needed him sooo bad...he needed to know that he was a tree so tall and strong...but i dont think he needed me to say that to him...he wanted others to understand it and feel it...but i continued to say it and i think he continued to hate me for it...life kept slapping him in the face..and i didnt understand...shit i couldnt understand...we were different...from different backgrounds...different families...just different....then the third time we meet...the person became something different...super loving... super caring...this time the tables were turned...the person would do anything for me....but because im soo stubborn..i wouldnt allow it...i wouldnt allow this person to love me unconditional...mainly because of what i thought others would say...so maybe this time..just maybe this time...if im given the chance to meet him again...maybe it will work...maybe it will be what i need at the time i need it...man i love you soo much...but where are you?? i cant wait to meet you again....hopefully in a dark alley so we can get our freak on lol...jk...thats my nonsex having self talking lol...but hey if i never meet you again i'm working on accepting it and disciplining myself so that I can love somebody else with at least half the energy I to love him with... it's just not that easy though...all of my activities illicit a thought of him somehow....sometimes there is a reason for it, sometimes there isn't....sometimes i just want him in the bed with me reading a good book...sometimes i just want him kissing that little place on my neck that i cant stand for someone to kiss because i love that feeling too much it makes me crazy...and sometimes i just want him on a sunday afternoon watching the steelers beat up whomever the next victim is...its crazy...one day it wont be soo crazy...i will just be glad when the outcome is here already....when the day comes that i can fast forward out of this twilight zone to the end of the movie already. What does the future hold for me? for my kpp? for the missing person who will complete my triangle to form "my family"..i hope to find the person someday...ive made up in my mind i wont run anymore...i will be steal and steadfast...and open to meeting someone good...someone good for me and the baby boy....i have to let love come...i have to let it be...because in the end i wanna just be...ummm what?? happy...loved...secure...cherished...

oh yeah my cousin she is soo precious to me...we kinda sorta grew up together...and i love her as if she were my little sister...im sooo happy for her!! she seems to be happy...she seems to have found a guy that loves her just for the person she is...and i really want to meet this ummm "jack"...bear is what she said they call him...awww i love her soo much...i should probably send her a link to my page so she can see how much i love her lol...but she was just telling me she'd read somewhere that she should marry for stability...i think i should marry someone because they love me...i think i give others stability...i told her i would be the kinda women who went to work while my husband stayed home lol..and everyone but ME would have something bad to say about it...i just always feel like i need too much...too much to ask for...so i never do...and then on the other hand...i feel like when i find a person i can ask for things...i go overboard...who knows when it will all end...who knows when that one and only person will come around...to love me just how i need to be loved...and when things go bad or sad...i stick it out...i find myself always running...and im done...i wont run anymore...i will stick it out...but then again if i keep running..maybe ill run into 'you'...and you will knock me right off my feet...or then again...if i keep running...ill run right pass 'you' so lol who knows...

i think im getting back into this blog thing....i really like it...i just kinda found myself not blogging becuase i was doing other things...well...november has come and gone..im now 28!! lol..my bday was the 7th of nov....right now i am in the process of reevaluating and restructuring my life and goals..i had taken myself off my high priority list, thus the depression...i think when i do that i loose myself..BUT I HAVE PUT MYSELF BACK ON IT!!..and i must say it feels good...i looked in the mirror this morning at my face...wondering wow...everyone says i look so young..but man i dont look anything like i did last year...i look more mature i think...more adult...resently, i have just been growing and developing just as my son grows up...i have seen my self evolve and revolve into a better woman because of it...its crazy ...it is kind of funny....everytime i go into a period of deep thought and introspection, i have a jones to create...usually trying to cook some meal or something...its crazy..the more i think the more i want to cook...lol thats probably why i cant loose that kpp weight lol!!! awwwwwhhhh!!!

i was listening to this song that de la soul put out a while back...and i was just thiking damn...i should feel this way but man i dont....recently i have been feeling very self conscious image wise...i am still carrying around baby fat and it is starting to make me feel really crazy...ive never been a small girl...but my belly has never looked like this either...i know it takes time for it to come off, but my baby is almost 10 months old on this monday....sometimes i praise my body like am the venus of willendorf because of the miraculous experiences it has carried me through...but on the other hand, i feel that beauty has escaped me...i know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and motherhood is one of the most beautiful things that can happen to a woman...i guess i will just keep shining in my beauty and see my baby fat as baby phat...