Tuesday, November 30, 2004

ok one more...

Figuratively, i imagine myself married to the man that i am unfortunately but hopelessly in love with..he i think...consumes 50% of my daydreams and 100% of my nightdreams lol..i didn't realize how much i think and talk about 'him' until the other day...i thought to myself...damn everybody that knows me knows of him..i didn't realize that he was such a big part of my life that i, apparently, wear like my favorite night shirt...the problem is he isnt real....the first time we meet i was sooo in love with him...i would do anything for him...shit i did anything for him...moved to be with him...loved him with no regrets..then all of a sudden all the love and all the passion had to end because of family...then the second time we meet...he needed things i couldnt give..he needed space..when i wanted to be right there...he didnt need me yet i needed him sooo bad...he needed to know that he was a tree so tall and strong...but i dont think he needed me to say that to him...he wanted others to understand it and feel it...but i continued to say it and i think he continued to hate me for it...life kept slapping him in the face..and i didnt understand...shit i couldnt understand...we were different...from different backgrounds...different families...just different....then the third time we meet...the person became something different...super loving... super caring...this time the tables were turned...the person would do anything for me....but because im soo stubborn..i wouldnt allow it...i wouldnt allow this person to love me unconditional...mainly because of what i thought others would say...so maybe this time..just maybe this time...if im given the chance to meet him again...maybe it will work...maybe it will be what i need at the time i need it...man i love you soo much...but where are you?? i cant wait to meet you again....hopefully in a dark alley so we can get our freak on lol...jk...thats my nonsex having self talking lol...but hey if i never meet you again i'm working on accepting it and disciplining myself so that I can love somebody else with at least half the energy I to love him with... it's just not that easy though...all of my activities illicit a thought of him somehow....sometimes there is a reason for it, sometimes there isn't....sometimes i just want him in the bed with me reading a good book...sometimes i just want him kissing that little place on my neck that i cant stand for someone to kiss because i love that feeling too much it makes me crazy...and sometimes i just want him on a sunday afternoon watching the steelers beat up whomever the next victim is...its crazy...one day it wont be soo crazy...i will just be glad when the outcome is here already....when the day comes that i can fast forward out of this twilight zone to the end of the movie already. What does the future hold for me? for my kpp? for the missing person who will complete my triangle to form "my family"..i hope to find the person someday...ive made up in my mind i wont run anymore...i will be steal and steadfast...and open to meeting someone good...someone good for me and the baby boy....i have to let love come...i have to let it be...because in the end i wanna just be...ummm what?? happy...loved...secure...cherished...

0 comments: