i did it? you ask.....YEAH RIGHT!!...i didnt have the chance...

the conversation was weird...not really weird just not the right time...

so i didnt...i couldnt...

not the right time...

maybe today...maybe tomorrow...i was really ready last night...

but ill give it time...

okay im off to do my laundry...its 750am!!! can you believe this???!!

i didnt get to bed til about 3am!!! oh my goodness...

wow...ive been feeling like this thing i have going on is slowly coming to an end...

i just feel like i need to say something...i donno if me saying something will change anything...will it change our relationship??...will it make it worst? or make things better??...i donno...

I KNOW I KNOW...IM ALWAYS SOO VAGUE ABOUT THINGS ON MY BLOG...

well okay....back to what i was saying...i want to say something to "this person" but i dont know how it will be taken...will it be too much for them...i donno...i wanted to say it the other night..but i was scared....lately ive been feeling alone...i know i shouldnt feel so alone..but i do...

will i have the courage to speak?? i donno..i hope so...tonight is the night...

the worst that can happen is that i go to bed feeling reaalllly bad lol oh well...but on the other hand...they will think the same...and i will go to bed with this weight (not that its a bad weight lol) lifted off my shoulders!!!!

night :)

ps...ill tell you how it went in the morning!!

so im loving my job...im a seller on ebay now...

check me out...

my ebaystore!! FOREVERNAYLA!!!!

i really enjoy doing this...i guess because im compulsive lol...

but anyway...i love it...and im making some money...and it has really made me alittle happier...



so check me out sometimes...my name on ebay is forevernayla!!

well guys the hot days are over!! lol my air conditioner is now working...
i get sooo much joy out of the little things in life..
you know like walking into a cool house...when ive been outside all day!!
its great...


well lets see..whats been going on with me..nothing really...

me and my friend krystal have been having a really weird relationship lately...seems like she is being really needy lately...so i told her what someone told me...we are spending too much time together lol...

she kinda got upset...said if i were a "real friend" i would understand that she is in a bad position and needs support right now...well...im soo over the drama lately...well this is the "back story"...

krystal and i used to be "ace boon coons" lol..and we used to do everything together...everything...i would leave work..and she would pick me up...just to hang...well after i got pregnant..she was alittle put off by it..meaning..."i would no longer be her ace...you know to do things with"...i would be "in the house" with a baby...and being a "mom"...well fine by me..is what i said..and we didnt talk for the longest time...sooo ummm....she gets together with someone..they are in a semi serious relationship...well come to find out...i went on a date with this person lol...i didnt know she was dating the guy..but lol oh well...so somehow...she found out me and this fool went on one date...and tried to be sneaky and i guess catch me in a lie...so she called me one night..and asked what had i been doing lately..."wow..just outta no where like that she calls me...after months of not talking because i had a baby! bitch lol"....i was suprised...we talked for hours..i told her about some guy i went on a date with..you know the guy she dated....who made me feel like a piece of meat....you know right after i had kpp..not right after..but time isnt that important right now...so i had these huuuge breasts..well yeah i got some big ones lol but man right after i had kpp..whoah...headlight central lol...they were like double the size lol and popping out of whatever shirt i had on...lol...well that night at dinner he couldnt keep his eyes off the boobies lol..so that was the last date......okay anyway...im telling k all this stuff about him..blah blah blah...and she goes..guess what....im dating the same guy...i said..wow..small world..."well you can have him..he didnt seem to be "my type" anyway"..and we all know what MY TYPE IS...lol yeah ive made some really big mistakes but i have ONLY ONE TYPE...well lol that was that..sooo after that some how..she started calling me more...we started hanging out more..i think to keep tabs on me lol from dating her guy lol..but like i said...she can have him lol...

so fast forward...now its like we are back to the old hanging out days...kpp loves her lol...i think he loves women with long hair lol...you know the "high yellah helfas (southern ghetto slang lol) skin big boobie type lol like his momma...lol...as soon as he sees her..he smiles..its kinda weird because he doesnt see her that often..but he knows her...

okay anywho...we are hanging out alot lately..and well..that guy i talked about earlier..who i dated and now she got really serious about him...well...HE DUMPED HER...and i guess im her new shoulder to cry on...for about four months now...

she makes all her "other" friends mad...because of the way she is...you know the kind...geminis...she is a gemini...and her "other" friends dont know how to deal with her mix matched personality...you know..one day she's a social butterfly the next day she's a hermit in the house not answering any calls...well...i find myself okay with either..and i guess she has noticed that...and likes that about me...so she calls my house 24/7 now...and wants my help with everything..i guess i should shut up and be her friend...but man..i feel used lately...when we talk..its always about her..and her life...because you know.."you're a mother...you have no life" is what she told me...so ummm....yeah lol this friendship will come to an end pretty soon lol...i guess im just waiting on that big day lol...

okay..so i guess i did have something going on...



ooooooooooooooooooh yeah...i want to see "common!"...he is coming to cincinnati august 4th!!!!!

i guess i should be grateful that im not homeless..or that kpp and i dont have to go without food...or that we have plenty clean clothes to wear...shoot and plenty clothes to wash! lol...

so i wont complain tonight that my airconditioner doesnt work...well it works...my little brother just noticed that the cord was burnt...so i wont plug it in!!

so yeah...i wont complain! lol...i reeeally want to..because im sooooo

HOT NATURED! (the words of a southern woman lol)...

so me and kpp got in the bed tonight...well...we took baths first...and got in the bed...with the fan directly on us!...and tried to sleep...he tossed and turned for a bit...before he dozed off...and me...well...by the time i finally got to sleep...

MY PHONE RINGS!!!

now if you know me..you know i hate to hear a phone ringing lol...ESPECIALLY WHEN IM SLEEPING!!!...oh my goodness...im just glad it was my "other mother" and not someone else...OR THEY WOULDVE GOTTEN AN EARFULL!! of some choice curse words lol...(but if you know me..you know not to call me that late anyways...(except corey!!)...)

well so now im up...its 1235am!!...and im trying not to complain about my airconditioner...when PRAISE THE LORD!!!...ITS STARTS RAINING!!...oh my goodness...

i guess it was the lords way of letting me know when im not complaining about the little things...he will send a cool breeze my way...

well tonight (this morning) i just want to say...

thank you LORD!

night :)

lol so kpp got a "REAL" hair cut today...lol it was kinda cute at first...but now i hate it lol!!!!

so here goes...






and this is my poor childs hair lol...awwwww...


you all know what he looked like before lol..so we wont give the before and after...

BUT WOW...HE LOOKS REALLY DIFFERENT LOL...when i got him out of dad's car today..i was like wow...he isnt SAMPSON! ANYMORE!!!



oh well...I CANT WAIT TIL IT GROWS BACK!!!

awww..yesterday was the 1st birthday of my good friends daughter...PNA...she is soo adorable...and kpp had such a great time at the party...i got a chance to catch up with some people i hadnt seen in a while and make some new friends....

well me and "c"(pna's mom) talked about kpp's party and about pna's party...and we've decided that the 2nd bday parties will be at some where other than our homes....after you spend on decorations...party supplies...partying gifts lol...cake...food...clean up...cook...you couldve went to some other place lol...we both agreed that the 1st birthday too young for kids to go someplace..but wow...these places like chuck e cheese or gameworks...they make it worth coming to their facilities to party...

well kpp was one of only two boys there lol...and wow...ive heard people say that boys and girls are totally different but damn!....boys kinda terrorize things lol...kpp was on the stairs..messing with the radio...throwing ballooons...walking around lol...while the girls...sat quietly and colored lol...the other little boy...lennox....he was soo mean! lol...messing with the radio...hitting folks...hahaha...well just his aunt...because she was messing with him lol....but it was just really weird to see...and "c" wants a boy! lol...ha!...YEAH RIGHT...

you know i wouldnt trade kpp for the world....but being around those girls makes me appreciate my rough and tough son...the girls were kinda BORING!! LOL...

okay so of course i took lots of pics...



and you remember i talked about my great trip to columbus...well here is kpp...in his izod lacoste...he is soo freaking adorable lol

i have this feeling in my stomach...at first i thought it was pms...but after talking to a friend lol i now know otherwise lol...

so im reading my email today..and im a member of this poets site...well these are the two poems...i thought it was intresting that i would get them today lol...

Could We Capture What Was
by Hope

I am still at the same place
Again wishing upon a star
Hoping dreams come true
As I pondered where you are

Gazing as bright stars glow
Each one sparkling above
The same wishes I repeat
Whispered with words of love

Within every wish I whisper
Its your touch I still yearn
I am so lonely without you
Would my dream ever return

Every loving wish I conveyed
As the stars shone around
I'm wishing with all my heart
A love I lost can still be found

Hoping my wishes will travel
Where loving flames ignite
Could we capture what was
In reaching my dream tonight

With Love From Cincinnati
by Loving Erea

I sit here watching the sun’s demise
Into the western sky
Missing your sweet blue loving eyes
As the afternoon goes by

Though only hours away from you
My heart is still in pain
Your love and tenderness, I miss
As I strive for monetary gain

Only months ago I would have been
Happy to be away
Until you found me and took me on
To love another day

The full moon rises, I stop to stare
Such a pretty sight
But not as beautiful my wonderful dear
Were you with me tonight

I miss you as if I would never know
Your loving arms again
Yet comfort lies deep in my soul
You are there within
I have never met a soul mate before
And never will again
I love you my sweet, more
Than anyone has ever been before

FUNNY HUH?!!!! LOL...the irony which is my life lol....GOOD NIGHT!!! ;)

yes im going to bed this early..i have noooo life lol...

im watching the movie butterfly effect..and wow..it makes me think....

if i had the power to go back in time and change things that have happen...would i?...

some things i would love to change...but when i think about it...if i change one thing...everything changes...

so would i?

no.....

when i think about my life...its not bad...lol...i think the things that ive been through have made me the person that i am......

and i love this me...
i love this life i lead...

thank you lord...:)

damn...this entire week...ive just been up waaay too late...i cant sleep...its wild....

well let me try again...

night... :)

awww i had the best weekend!!!

like i felt sooo good...just the atmosphere...not having to worry about anything..laughing...it was really nice...

thanks to pops, lee, jay, and especially jb...

jb is sooo good to me...always has been...

we went to see fantastic four on friday and did some shopping at easton mall...( in columbus)

then went to pops house and chilled out...pops talks sooo loud...its soo hilarious...jb says its because he cant hear...i just think he has a big mouth on top of not being able to hear lol...

its weird i was telling jb last night...that i felt really weird being around him...like how we were..it was nice...

i donno what happened over the weekend but something happened...i feel different...happier...and i donno...im kinda scared...and im kinda at the point where i want a change...i need a change..i need that soul changing thing.....but i want it all to be right...i have to be patient....

i want everything to be right this time.....i just cant do things like i used to...i cant just pop up and make major decisions in minutes...like i used to..i have kpp now...and he is the life of the party...so if things arent good by him...they arent good...

ooooooooooooh man!! my weekend was sooo damn good...man i donno what to think about it all...im alittle scared really...the things that happened...im scared...i want to say something about it...i want to say how i feel...but i wont...i will just sit back and wait til the time is right...until its time to say it....

its funny because i dont even think he felt me when i tapped on his hand lol...i wonder if he did...lol :)

new pics of the boy!

wow...today i braided his hair..i think it came out pretty cute lol...so now he is the background on my cellphone lol...

damn its been a minute since i last blogged!! forgive me lol (damn i act like im some blogging queen and folks read my blog everyday faithfully! ha!)

well whats been up? ummm nothing much...

im selling more things on ebay...trying to make a come up...because i dont want a "real job" lol

taking pictures of "stuff" and selling them to a design firm...because again...i dont want a "real job" lol...

hanging out with my son...so i can tell people im a stay at home mom...because i dont want to feel bad because i dont have a "real job" lol..

i donno..i love being home with my son!!...i love taking pics of "stuff" and i love ebaying...and hey...fuck it lol...its getting me some money...so ill keep doing it til it dies down..


my friend derek is getting married...he asked his "live in" girlfriend to marry him..and he texted me saying "SHE SAID YES!!" lol its kinda funny to me that he would text saying that...because i assumed he KNEW she would say yes lol...men are funny!

oh yeah dad's first cousin died...which has been really sad...she and i were pregnant together...and i donno...she has 3 children...who are now left motherless and fatherless...after the oldest two's father died a year ago...and the youngest...im not quite sure where her father is...but its just a really sad situation..she was only 27...

and my only thoughts about it all is..life is soo short...especially when you are a parent...i just want to spend all my time with kpp...so if anything happens...we have great memories..lots of pictures...and love that will last two lifetimes...man i love this kid...im watching him sleep right now...

i love how his body moves a little when he breaths in and out...how he sucks his fingers until he falls asleep...he is such a great kid...and i looooove him sooo much...

so you ask...you arent working yet? lol and my answer is "hell no...i love my son too much lol...im still getting paid severance!!!!" lol

sooooo im helping my friend nikki find some cute clothes the other day in the mall...

some days she can look really pretty and feminine...but other days...she looks like a boy!

so we are in my favorite store lol (only because im a big girl! lol) LANE BRYANT....and the sales associate comes to help us in our never ending cycle of trying to dress cute lol...

she comes over...(ummm lets call her katie)...

katie: hey guys
us: hi
katie:what are you looking for
me: something for her to put with this SKIRT...
katie: you would wear that with this skirt...(while i hold up a shirt)
me: umm no .....(but thinking nikki would)
me: yeah im trying to find her some CUTE clothes...so she doesnt look sooo gay...or like a little boy....(talking about nikki)
katie: do you think i look like a lesbian
me: umm yeah! (she has on some blue jean outfit..wrinkles..pants sagging...black shirt...hair pulled back...damn i wish i had a cameraphone)...
katie: "laughs".... well let me help you find her something

well as katie walks around in hopes of finding something "cute"...nikki and i keep on looking...well we come up with something on our own...while katie says something like...

"ooh you are trying to DE-DYKE-ATIZE her..."

and ooooh my god!! nikki and i died laughing...because yeah its funny..but man its soo true....

i am trying to dedykeatize her...lol......and so she looks pretty lol...(yeah yeah yeah lol i know im a priss!)....AND! so when we are together folks arent looking at us lol

but then the jacked up part about it is....i was listening to india aire...and her song "video"...says...

I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But I learned to love myself unconditionally,
Because I am a queen
When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it’s suppose to be
And I know my creator didn’t make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my Lips, my eyes, I’m loving what I see

it was just really intresting that we would be going through all of this "change".....and i think..is she doing this for me? because i like to look pretty??..she wants to look pretty when we are around each other lol?? Lol...

i feel like that what song says..when i, luuvely, look in the mirror...im fine with how i look..my fat stomachl...my big legs...my fat short fat fingers lol...my big butt...my eyes...my lips...my thighs...im loving what i see......and want people around me to look good and love themselves too.......i donno...

i always think...if someone doesnt takes the time to look in the mirror at themselves..they are afraid of something...they are afraid of what they may see...if someone doesn't care about their outward appearance...i feel like...something is going on..on the inside...i guess this is what im trying to do with her...have her look pretty on the outside...and somehow all that pretty will seep itself down to her spirit...

i know whenever i feel sad...if i look in the mirror or put on something cute...it always brightens my spirit....so i donno...

should i except her for the person she is...this selfloathing "my life is bad" ...complaining about everything lol...(because the rain dropped on her lip! her words)...hates her "boney legs (her words)"....lol....a person who doesnt even look in the mirror in the morning (her words lol) lol...or do i try and help her to see that she is beautiful and loved...

and no no no...a skirt wont do it...but i think when she tried on some of the clothes she saw that she is really pretty...she saw that she is great...and loved..and can be happy...can be herself...and not overdress and madeup..just her...pretty..natural....and alittle girlie girl lol...hahaaaha (YES IM PRISSY!!).

or do i forget about it all..and leave her alone?? i donno...let her be whomever she wants to be..and let it go??

lol my sister called me last night and said..."you didnt tell me happy birthday...and its almost over....."....it was like 10pm or something...she is sooo crazy...so i said happy birthday and we talked while she waited to have dinner and watch the basketball game with my cousin...it was his gift to her...lol...we are all alike yet different lol...give me and her sports and food...and you got us in your pocket lol...

wow....we are getting older...im glad she called me...i kept having this weird dream about my mother having a breakdown...and in the dream my sister kept saying weird things...(getting on my nerves)....i kept telling her to shut up...she would have a turn to talk...lol...im sooo bossy!!!...even in my dreams lol....i guess thats why she was in my dream...it was her birthday!!!....my self conscience mind was telling me to call her lol...

im really happy she is happy about turning a year older...its nice...i know when my mother turned thirty i thought she was dying....my mother told us to go outside to play.....while closing her room's door.....and my sister gathered us together (because she was the oldest) and made us do what my mother said...we had a porch connected to the front of the house...my mother's bedroom window was right on the front porch...she had sheers up to her window...so i could see right through...i saw her laying on the bed..with her face in the pillow....its wild..because i can remember this like it was yesterday...well...i asked faith, my oldest sister, while we looked in my mothers window... "whats wrong with her??..." and my sisters response was..."she turned 30 today..."...it always seemed like my sister knew everything...(still does kinda)...she always knew what the grown ups were doing and where they were going......and i knew if i asked her..she would know...well my reply to this was...."wow!!" i was thinking..."MAN!!!!..she must really be sad...she is about to die!!!"...( i was only 11 years old lol)....so i got really sad from seeing my mother crying.....not knowing that i wouldnt think thirty was soo bad...shoot...i think its a great age to be..lol...

well for years i always dreaded turning the big 30...but now..that im getting closer and closer to that age...i find myself rather happy...people will respect you alittle bit more...and respect the fact that.."you've been through something"..........

so koooootoooooossss to my big sister..HAPPY BIRTHDAY! LOL......she isnt 30...lol she is over 30...and LOVING LIFE!...

love ya!!!

my hair...ummm it looks okay...alot lighter than i wanted it to be...but its growing on me...i think its kinda cute now...lol...ill have to snap a picture for the world to see...

for most people....finding true loves comes once in a lifetime...when love comes...some catch it and some let it pass by....when you least expect it...when you absolutely have no idea...is the time when love finds itself fit to enter your life...

one day a man introduced himself to me....in need of someone to talk to...we both made attempts to learn more about each other....soon i would find myself in love with this man....sharing everything that was mine...soon enough...he would open my mind and my soul and take it upon himself to enter....there are few that i can trust to do such a thing...and i am sooo glad that he is another person i can love...you can never have too much...

this is my tribute to him...years before we meet...he lived a life full of happiness and pain...he went years without me in his life....all the things he's experienced...all the people that he's grown to know and love...all of life's influences has developed him into the man that i want to spend the rest of my life with...sometimes my thoughts become so engulfed in this man...i just wonder what his life was like growing up....i only wish i could view every moment...i love him...and his name is........

where are you?...somedays i wish you were right here...but i know someday it will be...or on those other days... i find myself ready to be without you in this life...will love be?...will it be between us??...

who are you?? what is your name?? have i seen you before?? will you come to me? or will i have to come to you?? whats your name??......................

oh yes...i remember now.....mister....i remember now...i see your face...i see your face in my mind...EVERYDAY....what was i thinking...i remember you now...i remember those eyes...those lips...soo kissable...will i ever kiss them again???....where are you?? where have you been hiding...

one day we will meet again...and ill be ready.....ready and not running....will you be ready??...not pushing me out...we will be still and love...still and love....we will be still and love each other...the way we need to be loved...

awww today i had the best day....kpp went to the park..and played for a while in the water...he had such a blast!!!

of course i took pics! in his baby speedo lol...with his big belly!


he did this the whole time...just running around..







he didnt really want to get too wet..lol...and its hilarious when the water sprays him...he gets alittle fickle lol


so then i catch him talking to some older girls lol..they love him already...one was trying to pick him up over the fence lol...i guess he thought they were too old for him so he started talking to some other chick his own age lol...


i guess he had enough because he went back to the water...playing and running...


but then she found him again! lol


he had such a good time...and this is really the extent of it lol...him kinda touching the water...


i saw parents trying to throw their kids in the water...kinda making them do something they obviously didnt want to do...it was kinda sad...i think it makes kids scared of things..mainly the water...


he couldnt stand being with the little kids any longer...so he ran away and got on the side with all the big kids...he is soo funny to me..its almost like the little kids were boring him or something...


after watching and playing with him...i was ready to go..but of course he was NOT!...so it took alittle coxing to get him to get ready to go...but not until he laid on the grown...







i guess thats his "falling out" thing...but "WHATEVER!...get your butt up, TUGA, and lets go!"...lol is what i said...lol...(tuga..is what i call him sometimes..short for sugar...i have nooo idea where i got that from lol)

he finally came along after finding something else to get in to...some paint on the ground lol


i got him dressed and he ran off lol to climb up and down the stairs...this was my first time ever seeing him climb down the stairs...im usually there to help him..but i never knew he could do it on his own lol...


of course we couldnt just leave...we had to go to the playground...he spotted it before i could turn the corner...


the playground was really cool...because i got some video of him sliding down the slide for the first time...its crazy...he is growing up right in front of me...and when i see him doing "big kid" things...i get alittle sad...not really sad..but kinda like...awwwww he isnt that little baby i brought home from the hospital anymore...who needs my tender loving care 24/7!

but we finally got out of the park and into the car....
and he was exhausted...he feel asleep on the way home! a good day!

awwww i loove him!!!

this is off the domb baby....

thinkin of you and our whole situation
livin miles away but somehow I stay patient
see.....my mind frame is consentrated on the future...of you and I
building a dam to stop these rivers of pain running through our lives
some times I get so frustrated
thinkin how close we was to ending this and we barely made it
but what would my life be without you?
or what would this relationship be without truth?
it'd be a wreck
and I reck-on
I'd have no solid ground to step on
how hard it would be to take a breath and then just try and press on
i know i'd be worse without you
"its really all about you"
its a quote but its all true
if i were in destress id call you
cause youre the one, black woman..china eyes
and wide thighs
when we gradually meet on an opinion and you comply
the only women that i ever loved in my life
sexy thang...you blush when i say that
displacement of trust between us? you dont play that
ill take you way back
when we first beginn as seeds above land in the open
we open up the land
and then began
growin
dos amigos