so im going to mississippi tomorrow...a place i havent been in a while...well i went there last summer but before that...man soooooooo long....i know this time it will be different...alot of old friends will come to my grandmother's house...visiting..sharing...cooking...
and im just sitting here thinking...how fun that will be (hoooray hooorrayy...yepee! :( SIKE!)
its kinda funny because when i talk to my sisters or my mom i dont seem as sad as them...and im just wondering tonight is that mean?...should i be alittle bit more hurt?...alittle bit more sad?...i donno...
i guess when we get down to mississippi things may be alittle different...but right now...i dont really feel much...much sadness that is...
its really weird...i feel really good...and happy...but not sad...and im just wondering..is this an emotion that lots of people feel.......
my grandmother passed away today...and im doing okay...im more worried about my sisters and mother than me...this poem should be a life's lesson to us all...i basically wanted to convey that life goes really fast...and we should slow down to visit each other...to help each other and to love each other...
SLOW DOWN
Slow Down Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly`s erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down
Don`t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won`t last
Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask, "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You`d better slow down
Don`t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won`t last
Ever told your child, We`ll do it tomorrow
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time to call and say "Hi"?
You`d better slow down
Don`t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won`t last
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift...
Thrown away...
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.
luuvely :)
SLOW DOWN
Slow Down Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly`s erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down
Don`t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won`t last
Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask, "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You`d better slow down
Don`t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won`t last
Ever told your child, We`ll do it tomorrow
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time to call and say "Hi"?
You`d better slow down
Don`t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won`t last
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift...
Thrown away...
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.
luuvely :)
Yesterday went soo much better than I expected!!! im soo happy!...kpp is doing well..
we woke up and got ready.....and waited for dad to get here..
after dad arrived we went out to children’s hospital...its weird because i wasn’t nervous at all...id read to kpp the entire morning so i think he was really happy...the only bad part was the fact that he ended up going to sleep on the way there...so when we got there he was a little cranky...until he saw all the toys....
i put his hospital gown on after the short work up the nurse gave him...
and he was being his normal active self...trying to open doors and explore!
until dad had to lay down the law lol and made him sit in his lap lol...
so of course he copped a quick attitude. grabbed his puppy and went back to " baby mode"..oh yeah that’s the puppy...he loooves that thing! (don’t tell him but i think it USED to be soo cute..now its all ratty!)
but quickly got over his attitude and begin to mess with his favorite thing! BLINDS!!!
so i made him sit with me for a bit on the bed...until the nurses and doctors were ready for him...
the camera was a good distraction...so he was okay for a little bit...
well they were ready now...the anesthesiologist had come into the room and told us that he would be kicking and flailing all over the place..(or at least that’s what i heard lol)....so i was a little nervous to go back to the surgery side room with him...well we all went back..Everyone was sooooooo nice!....the anesthesiologist put the little mask over his face..while everyone kinda stood around...while he played with a little toy...and it began....now i was good up until this point...he took breathes...and his eyes got heavier and heavier...and then...he was out...i saw his little eyes roll back in his head. and that’s when i kinda lost it lol...i teared up...i didn’t like go crazy...i just teared up...the nurse saw that so she tried to console me a bit..and dad was right there...he always seems to be soo unmoved by things...its kinda weird to me lol..
MEN! LOL..(well i guess that would be weird to an overemotional person such as myself lol) we all walked out of the surgery room and let the doctors do what they needed to do for him...
we went into the waiting room...i read my magazines and dad brought his books to study for his tests...so we were occupied...it was really a nice and quiet area...we had a view of a little lake...very nice......i ended up falling asleep because i hadn’t had much sleep the night before....until i smelled this little kids butt...he had popped lol...it woke me up out of my sleep...but i couldn’t say anything because i wasnt completely awake lol...well i finally woke up dad and i talked a bit and then out of no where...
THE DOCTOR COMES IN!...(they said the surgery would last about and hour and half...and man it had only been 45 minutes!)
He came to us and told us how the surgery went...WONDERFULLY...(his words)..we were really glad to hear that...and soon a nurse would be out to get us so we could go and see our boy..
well we walked back to the room...excited to see how he was doing..and of course we had to pass all these other little kids..which made my heart break...and he was at the very end of the line...laying in the nurse's lap sipping out of his sippy...and holding on tight to his puppy..awake none the less!
The nurse instructed us to sit down and love him basically...so that’s exactly what we did..
its really weird how he stayed awake long enough to see us..and then fell right back to sleep...dad said maybe kpp didnt think he was okay until we were back there..
after all thats went on yesterday...kpp going out like a light...him even having surgery...dad turns to me and says lol...(me ad-libbing our conversation)
dad: im having a real problem with this...
me: what?
dad: that door over there says pull??
me: what?
dad: that door says pull...that’s not cool..
me: what?? out of all that has gone on today you are worried about the door saying PULL? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
dad: yeah this is worrying me! hahahahaha..these are doctors and nurses...why do they need a sign on a door that says pull...
me: yeah looks like someone just stuck that up there...get the camera and take a picture lol..this is going right on my blog lol..
dad: *taking pictures* hahahahahahah
we have a looooong laugh...it kinda lightening my mood up a bit and that was my first smile of the day...a door that said pull lol...its funny how he has a way of being sooo strong and sooo unmoved by things...but this door that had a sticker that said pull...made him uneasy...lol...crazy! huh? lol
well they let us go home rather quickly...and all is well...we get home...kpp is still kinda out of it..and still kinda weak...
but i managed to wake him a bit and have him drink a little bit...because i know he was soo thirsty and sooo tired!...i would’ve been...
he finally wakes up a bit and i put on "HIS MOVIE" and he sits with dad....
after a long day..me and dad are getting tired and it comes to the point where he needs to go home and get some rest..and kpp and i need to sleep...well dad leaves but before he does...kpp does this little weird thing lol...like he didnt want to be left alone with me...kinda hurt my feelings lol but oh well..he is sick lol ill give him the benefit of the doubt!! lol...but dad reminds me that he could eat some crackers...and he leaves...
well we get ready to get in bed...i lay the crackers on the bed beside him (he is still groggy) and leave out of the room to get some other things we may need during the night....well this is what i come back to...
kpp grubbing on the crackers lol...he was soooo hungry...he had probably eaten 3 before i could get back...he had another 4 before laying down to go to sleep...its soo crazy how neither one of us thought about crackers all day lol..my poor baby was sooo hungry..lol...
but im soo happy everything went well..i mean everything...his surgeon was soo nice and explained everything..and all the nurses and all the helpers....i really wouldnt have wanted it any other way...
kpp, again, is doing GREAT...HE IS A WONDERFUL SON!...
we woke up and got ready.....and waited for dad to get here..
after dad arrived we went out to children’s hospital...its weird because i wasn’t nervous at all...id read to kpp the entire morning so i think he was really happy...the only bad part was the fact that he ended up going to sleep on the way there...so when we got there he was a little cranky...until he saw all the toys....
i put his hospital gown on after the short work up the nurse gave him...
and he was being his normal active self...trying to open doors and explore!
until dad had to lay down the law lol and made him sit in his lap lol...
so of course he copped a quick attitude. grabbed his puppy and went back to " baby mode"..oh yeah that’s the puppy...he loooves that thing! (don’t tell him but i think it USED to be soo cute..now its all ratty!)
but quickly got over his attitude and begin to mess with his favorite thing! BLINDS!!!
so i made him sit with me for a bit on the bed...until the nurses and doctors were ready for him...
the camera was a good distraction...so he was okay for a little bit...
well they were ready now...the anesthesiologist had come into the room and told us that he would be kicking and flailing all over the place..(or at least that’s what i heard lol)....so i was a little nervous to go back to the surgery side room with him...well we all went back..Everyone was sooooooo nice!....the anesthesiologist put the little mask over his face..while everyone kinda stood around...while he played with a little toy...and it began....now i was good up until this point...he took breathes...and his eyes got heavier and heavier...and then...he was out...i saw his little eyes roll back in his head. and that’s when i kinda lost it lol...i teared up...i didn’t like go crazy...i just teared up...the nurse saw that so she tried to console me a bit..and dad was right there...he always seems to be soo unmoved by things...its kinda weird to me lol..
MEN! LOL..(well i guess that would be weird to an overemotional person such as myself lol) we all walked out of the surgery room and let the doctors do what they needed to do for him...
we went into the waiting room...i read my magazines and dad brought his books to study for his tests...so we were occupied...it was really a nice and quiet area...we had a view of a little lake...very nice......i ended up falling asleep because i hadn’t had much sleep the night before....until i smelled this little kids butt...he had popped lol...it woke me up out of my sleep...but i couldn’t say anything because i wasnt completely awake lol...well i finally woke up dad and i talked a bit and then out of no where...
THE DOCTOR COMES IN!...(they said the surgery would last about and hour and half...and man it had only been 45 minutes!)
He came to us and told us how the surgery went...WONDERFULLY...(his words)..we were really glad to hear that...and soon a nurse would be out to get us so we could go and see our boy..
well we walked back to the room...excited to see how he was doing..and of course we had to pass all these other little kids..which made my heart break...and he was at the very end of the line...laying in the nurse's lap sipping out of his sippy...and holding on tight to his puppy..awake none the less!
The nurse instructed us to sit down and love him basically...so that’s exactly what we did..
its really weird how he stayed awake long enough to see us..and then fell right back to sleep...dad said maybe kpp didnt think he was okay until we were back there..
after all thats went on yesterday...kpp going out like a light...him even having surgery...dad turns to me and says lol...(me ad-libbing our conversation)
dad: im having a real problem with this...
me: what?
dad: that door over there says pull??
me: what?
dad: that door says pull...that’s not cool..
me: what?? out of all that has gone on today you are worried about the door saying PULL? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
dad: yeah this is worrying me! hahahahaha..these are doctors and nurses...why do they need a sign on a door that says pull...
me: yeah looks like someone just stuck that up there...get the camera and take a picture lol..this is going right on my blog lol..
dad: *taking pictures* hahahahahahah
we have a looooong laugh...it kinda lightening my mood up a bit and that was my first smile of the day...a door that said pull lol...its funny how he has a way of being sooo strong and sooo unmoved by things...but this door that had a sticker that said pull...made him uneasy...lol...crazy! huh? lol
well they let us go home rather quickly...and all is well...we get home...kpp is still kinda out of it..and still kinda weak...
but i managed to wake him a bit and have him drink a little bit...because i know he was soo thirsty and sooo tired!...i would’ve been...
he finally wakes up a bit and i put on "HIS MOVIE" and he sits with dad....
after a long day..me and dad are getting tired and it comes to the point where he needs to go home and get some rest..and kpp and i need to sleep...well dad leaves but before he does...kpp does this little weird thing lol...like he didnt want to be left alone with me...kinda hurt my feelings lol but oh well..he is sick lol ill give him the benefit of the doubt!! lol...but dad reminds me that he could eat some crackers...and he leaves...
well we get ready to get in bed...i lay the crackers on the bed beside him (he is still groggy) and leave out of the room to get some other things we may need during the night....well this is what i come back to...
kpp grubbing on the crackers lol...he was soooo hungry...he had probably eaten 3 before i could get back...he had another 4 before laying down to go to sleep...its soo crazy how neither one of us thought about crackers all day lol..my poor baby was sooo hungry..lol...
but im soo happy everything went well..i mean everything...his surgeon was soo nice and explained everything..and all the nurses and all the helpers....i really wouldnt have wanted it any other way...
kpp, again, is doing GREAT...HE IS A WONDERFUL SON!...
tomorrow kpp has his surgery...its kinda weird because im just alittle scared...usually im sooooo scared about everything...but i know i have to be strong for kpp...he has a long recovery period...so that's what really worries me..how will his recovery be...im sooooo overprotective...i know he will get sick of me...not letting him climb on stuff...not letting him get down by himself...but oh well...its for his safety really...
dad will go with me tomorrow..and im kinda noided out...like i know he will not want to talk much..and im suuuch a talker lol...he is like a church mouse sometimes...well all the time...so i guess i need to take lots of magazines...so i have something to do...oh well...we are soo different...i hope kpp learns from the both of us...the good and bad qualities that we both have...and take the best between us two....
i honestly hope and prays the kpp becomes a great man...with a sense of himself and love for his family..neither me or dad have that strong family safety net...not to say we dont love our family but we shy away easily...its always easy to hide behind what your family wants you to be...when you really havent reached their expected goals...its always easy to pretend that you are "that person" when in reality you really arent...but with all that said...i want kpp to loooove his family...i wish i had more children (at least one lol) so he isnt the only child...but i know i probably wont have anymore lol...i just dont want him to be alone...an only child with all those issues!!!!!...especially the issue of an overprotective mother lol...his little butt will be in theraphy as soon as he can talk lol...if i had at least one more child lol i dont think i would have the time to be THAT overprotective lol...who am i kidding...i would be the same way...just more tired lol....
okay im going to bed...we have a big day ahead...and i want to be rested up so i dont talk dad's ear off! lol....
dad will go with me tomorrow..and im kinda noided out...like i know he will not want to talk much..and im suuuch a talker lol...he is like a church mouse sometimes...well all the time...so i guess i need to take lots of magazines...so i have something to do...oh well...we are soo different...i hope kpp learns from the both of us...the good and bad qualities that we both have...and take the best between us two....
i honestly hope and prays the kpp becomes a great man...with a sense of himself and love for his family..neither me or dad have that strong family safety net...not to say we dont love our family but we shy away easily...its always easy to hide behind what your family wants you to be...when you really havent reached their expected goals...its always easy to pretend that you are "that person" when in reality you really arent...but with all that said...i want kpp to loooove his family...i wish i had more children (at least one lol) so he isnt the only child...but i know i probably wont have anymore lol...i just dont want him to be alone...an only child with all those issues!!!!!...especially the issue of an overprotective mother lol...his little butt will be in theraphy as soon as he can talk lol...if i had at least one more child lol i dont think i would have the time to be THAT overprotective lol...who am i kidding...i would be the same way...just more tired lol....
okay im going to bed...we have a big day ahead...and i want to be rested up so i dont talk dad's ear off! lol....
okay...last night i said i give up on love....but i cant do that...i cant give up on love...its not me...
i love to be loved...and i love to love others...some might even say...i love too hard...
but its okay...im ready to give of myself...im ready to love...(im scared) but im ready....
i may just meet someone ready for what i have to offer...
....im ready to love again...
ps...i didnt get rid of the box...but i did get rid of one of the things in it...
i love to be loved...and i love to love others...some might even say...i love too hard...
but its okay...im ready to give of myself...im ready to love...(im scared) but im ready....
i may just meet someone ready for what i have to offer...
....im ready to love again...
ps...i didnt get rid of the box...but i did get rid of one of the things in it...
im giving up on love!!! i cant get it right....
i told "the box" that im giving up....
i dont think he believes me...
but im serious....
i told "the box" that im giving up....
i dont think he believes me...
but im serious....
so i was in a session today....and "THE BOX" came up...and i was told that maybe "THE BOX" has something to do with my current situation...
like maybe im holding on to "THE BOX"...wanting what was in "THE BOX"....wanting that feeling....that feeling that i get when i read the things in the box...the emotions i have when i see the box...just the love...the love that i feel like i will never have again...that love that i will never share with another person...just the openness...it seems like after "THE BOX"...i have never meet a better friend....just a friend...not lover not anything like that...just friend....i donno..
i guess im looking for my best friend again...i guess im looking for what i used to have...but is it fair??...is it fair to the people around me...is it fair to compare others to "THE BOX"...?? its not...but i cant help it...damn im really fucked up lol...but doesnt everyone go through this??...doesnt everyone compare?....i just have this person that i compare EVERYONE to....and its bad...and i think thats why im emotionally alone right now...
i guess when "THE BOX" is empty...(which i could never do lol)...is when i will give myself again...but if i never empty the box...will i be emotionally alone forever??...
damn its crazy...im holding to something that it really crazy...or is it?? its like...did my box get emptied a long time ago?? are they holding on to "their box" as tight as im holding on to mine??
because is forever really forever??....i donno...
like maybe im holding on to "THE BOX"...wanting what was in "THE BOX"....wanting that feeling....that feeling that i get when i read the things in the box...the emotions i have when i see the box...just the love...the love that i feel like i will never have again...that love that i will never share with another person...just the openness...it seems like after "THE BOX"...i have never meet a better friend....just a friend...not lover not anything like that...just friend....i donno..
i guess im looking for my best friend again...i guess im looking for what i used to have...but is it fair??...is it fair to the people around me...is it fair to compare others to "THE BOX"...?? its not...but i cant help it...damn im really fucked up lol...but doesnt everyone go through this??...doesnt everyone compare?....i just have this person that i compare EVERYONE to....and its bad...and i think thats why im emotionally alone right now...
i guess when "THE BOX" is empty...(which i could never do lol)...is when i will give myself again...but if i never empty the box...will i be emotionally alone forever??...
damn its crazy...im holding to something that it really crazy...or is it?? its like...did my box get emptied a long time ago?? are they holding on to "their box" as tight as im holding on to mine??
because is forever really forever??....i donno...
do you keep love letters?? i was looking through MY BOX today.....and damn...i was crying my eyes out.......what the heck was i thinking??....why did i make some of the choices i made...and why did i help someone that didnt want my help....and in turn ruined a perfectly good relationship...its crazy....i dont regret decisions i made in my past...because if i hadnt made them... kpp wouldnt be here...i was just thinking about allllll that love from one person in THAT BOX...where did it go?? and
i was just thinking about how good it used to make me feel...and how it made me feel to just read it today...like wow...im THAT SPECIAL??!!....man...its a wonderful feeling...
and in all those letters we always said forever....
i will love you forever...
i want to be with you forever....
you are mine forever....
DOES FOREVER TRULY MEAN FOREVER??
or do you say those things because its easy...
or do you say it because you want it to be forever...
or do you really think it will be forever??...
and damn...im sitting here tonight thinking...FOREVER ISNT FOREVER...
because if it was??..................
i was just thinking about how good it used to make me feel...and how it made me feel to just read it today...like wow...im THAT SPECIAL??!!....man...its a wonderful feeling...
and in all those letters we always said forever....
i will love you forever...
i want to be with you forever....
you are mine forever....
DOES FOREVER TRULY MEAN FOREVER??
or do you say those things because its easy...
or do you say it because you want it to be forever...
or do you really think it will be forever??...
and damn...im sitting here tonight thinking...FOREVER ISNT FOREVER...
because if it was??..................
so my friend says to me today!!!
YOU NEED A FATHER FOR YOUR CHILD!!!!!
what the fuck?? i cant believe some people...some men...some men think if the father of your child doesnt live with you guys...that he isnt a good dad...or the fact that you arent married...that the father of your child cant love you and the child....damn i hate men!!! i hatteeee!!!!! men!!! hahahaa!!! (well some men!) lol...im almost speaking from a hysterical state of mind....because i cant believe he said this to us tonight...well us..me and my girlfriend....i was doing good fine at home..me and my friend "e" and he pops his happy ass up over here...well not over here...he said he was in the neighborhood and like a fool i said...oh well come on over lol..mainly because i havent seen him in a couple of weeks...and you know we are friends and all...or at least thats what i thought...damn whyyyy did i tell that fool to come over???!!!!....yes im cussing alot tonight...damn...i hate men!...
well he comes over...and me and "e" are talking about how she is in love...and how she thinks she has found the perfect person....well he asks me...where do i stand on finding a man lol....hahahahaahaha....what the fuck?? why am i friend with this fool?? i dont know...well he asks me...and i said...im cool on that...im happy where i am...just me and my son...well he continues to say...that my son is getting older and he needs a father...and i should just pick someone and stop being sooo picky...(because we talked about me being picky one night over the phone...and i said i think thats my problem...but i wont settle for anyone anymore because i have a son now)......because if i dont hurry he will be one of these little thugs out here on the street...wearing a white tee!....and a man will be able to set him straight before he gets too out of control...because women dont know how to raise a man...yall dont do a good job! (coming from a man who only had a single mother!!)....wellllll....i got "THAT LOOK" on my face...(hell naw not that look!...not the i think im cute look...or the one everyone says i do...naw none of those!!...i got THAT LOOK!!)....like "NEGRO PLEASE!! GO FUCK YOURSELF LOOK!!!" LOL....
so i stood up...and he looked really scared...but i went straight to the door and opened it!!...and said..."BYE! FOOL!!!!!"....
DAMN!!!...why do people say dumb shit??...women dont do a good job raising their kids?? women cant raise men?? well if thats the case...why dont men stand up and be there for their kids??...and damn my son has a father....no we dont all live together...but wtf?? is that a crime...noooo thats not how i wanted it to be...but wtf?? have i committed some crime?? did that fool really say that shit to me?? will i ever talk to him again...probably not...should i understand his pain and let it all go?? HELL NAW!! i dont care how fucked up your childhood was...but i want everything for my son...i want the best for him....so is the best when both parents live in the same home with their child?? thats the most logical...but after you cant have that...you move on to love...you move on and love your child and make sure his father understands you want the best for him...you make sure that dad knows that he should be the most important thing to the both of you...because in the end thats all you can do...and you pray and hope that dad loves him just as much as you...and when things dont go like they should...you love even harder....you make sure you do what you can to make your child feel loved...you make sure you discipline like you should...you make sure YOU do what you can when you can...because DAMN...what else can you really do??
damn i hate people...i shouldnt have said men earlier...i just hate when people dont understand...i hate when people dont love...and i truly hate when someone makes some bullshit assumption about my life....wow...i was soo pissed off earlier...still am alittle bit...but i have to let it go...let it be...but man i had to blog about that lol...
ps...yeah...we arent friends anymore...we have been friends since i found out i was pregnant...we used to work together...but now!! hell naw...that freak could never call me again...and i wouldnt loose a wink of sleep over it...i should send him the link to my blog...but that would be just like a scorp! MEAN...and im trying not to be mean soo much lol...hahaha DAMN ITS HARD!!!
pss...im sorry for all the curse words...i really am!!!
YOU NEED A FATHER FOR YOUR CHILD!!!!!
what the fuck?? i cant believe some people...some men...some men think if the father of your child doesnt live with you guys...that he isnt a good dad...or the fact that you arent married...that the father of your child cant love you and the child....damn i hate men!!! i hatteeee!!!!! men!!! hahahaa!!! (well some men!) lol...im almost speaking from a hysterical state of mind....because i cant believe he said this to us tonight...well us..me and my girlfriend....i was doing good fine at home..me and my friend "e" and he pops his happy ass up over here...well not over here...he said he was in the neighborhood and like a fool i said...oh well come on over lol..mainly because i havent seen him in a couple of weeks...and you know we are friends and all...or at least thats what i thought...damn whyyyy did i tell that fool to come over???!!!!....yes im cussing alot tonight...damn...i hate men!...
well he comes over...and me and "e" are talking about how she is in love...and how she thinks she has found the perfect person....well he asks me...where do i stand on finding a man lol....hahahahaahaha....what the fuck?? why am i friend with this fool?? i dont know...well he asks me...and i said...im cool on that...im happy where i am...just me and my son...well he continues to say...that my son is getting older and he needs a father...and i should just pick someone and stop being sooo picky...(because we talked about me being picky one night over the phone...and i said i think thats my problem...but i wont settle for anyone anymore because i have a son now)......because if i dont hurry he will be one of these little thugs out here on the street...wearing a white tee!....and a man will be able to set him straight before he gets too out of control...because women dont know how to raise a man...yall dont do a good job! (coming from a man who only had a single mother!!)....wellllll....i got "THAT LOOK" on my face...(hell naw not that look!...not the i think im cute look...or the one everyone says i do...naw none of those!!...i got THAT LOOK!!)....like "NEGRO PLEASE!! GO FUCK YOURSELF LOOK!!!" LOL....
so i stood up...and he looked really scared...but i went straight to the door and opened it!!...and said..."BYE! FOOL!!!!!"....
DAMN!!!...why do people say dumb shit??...women dont do a good job raising their kids?? women cant raise men?? well if thats the case...why dont men stand up and be there for their kids??...and damn my son has a father....no we dont all live together...but wtf?? is that a crime...noooo thats not how i wanted it to be...but wtf?? have i committed some crime?? did that fool really say that shit to me?? will i ever talk to him again...probably not...should i understand his pain and let it all go?? HELL NAW!! i dont care how fucked up your childhood was...but i want everything for my son...i want the best for him....so is the best when both parents live in the same home with their child?? thats the most logical...but after you cant have that...you move on to love...you move on and love your child and make sure his father understands you want the best for him...you make sure that dad knows that he should be the most important thing to the both of you...because in the end thats all you can do...and you pray and hope that dad loves him just as much as you...and when things dont go like they should...you love even harder....you make sure you do what you can to make your child feel loved...you make sure you discipline like you should...you make sure YOU do what you can when you can...because DAMN...what else can you really do??
damn i hate people...i shouldnt have said men earlier...i just hate when people dont understand...i hate when people dont love...and i truly hate when someone makes some bullshit assumption about my life....wow...i was soo pissed off earlier...still am alittle bit...but i have to let it go...let it be...but man i had to blog about that lol...
ps...yeah...we arent friends anymore...we have been friends since i found out i was pregnant...we used to work together...but now!! hell naw...that freak could never call me again...and i wouldnt loose a wink of sleep over it...i should send him the link to my blog...but that would be just like a scorp! MEAN...and im trying not to be mean soo much lol...hahaha DAMN ITS HARD!!!
pss...im sorry for all the curse words...i really am!!!
wow...today was suuuch a great day...kpp and i went to see the BUTTERFLY SHOW!!! at the krohns conservatory here in the city...
well ill just go through the day...you know i took lots of pictures...
....after having a late lunch we had to wait for the bus to take us over to the conservatory...
well after getting on one bus...i found out we had to get on another bus...but kpp couldnt hang lol so he fell asleep....
i knew i would have to wake him when we got there...i thought he would be really cranky...BUT....HE WASNT!!...to my surprise!...so i was happy...i think it was all the little kids running around trying to catch butterflies that got his attention....
once we made it inside...there were butterflies flying everywhere...i donno but i guess i had a different idea of what it would be like....basically it was a greenhouse with butterflies flying around lol...i thought it would be more hitek or something...but i guess you really dont need everything to be hitek all the time...just flowers and butterflies....a perfect combination....
we walked around a bit and watched butterflies land on kids hands...none would ever come to either of us lol...i guess we dont have enough sugar in our blood lol...but it was really cute to see kids interacting with the butterflies...
we went in the butterfly nursery..this is where all the babies are born..
kpp and this little boy hit it off really good and they were chasing each other around...and trying to catch butterflies...
after being TOO hot in the butterfly section...we walked around to some other sections of the conservatory...
the first section was the orchid garden...i loooove orchids...i donno but its something about that flower that makes me smile...the orchid garden is soooo nice...i had to snap some pics...THEY ARE JUST AMAZING FLOWERS!
then there was another section...i cant remember the actual name...so we will just call it the "rainforest".....
when we came to this waterfall...i thought of the movie...lion king 1 1/2...the movie we watch almost everyday lol...
then we came across these two strange flowering plants...ive never seen anything like it before...
we were almost finish...no tantrum...no crying...UNTIL!...i wanted to take one last picture lol and he was NOT having it lol...he was TIRED and HOT and READY TO GOOO!!!!
so needless to say...WE LEFT!!! QUICKLY! LOL
awwww...today was such a good day..ive dreamed of having special times like this with kpp...i cant wait til he is alittle older so we can talk about what he sees...we have little conversations lol but without words now...i guess i shouldnt rush him..he has grown up sooo fast...these last past 15 months have flown by....but you know...
IM LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!!...
and days like this..makes me love them even more!!!
well ill just go through the day...you know i took lots of pictures...
....after having a late lunch we had to wait for the bus to take us over to the conservatory...
well after getting on one bus...i found out we had to get on another bus...but kpp couldnt hang lol so he fell asleep....
i knew i would have to wake him when we got there...i thought he would be really cranky...BUT....HE WASNT!!...to my surprise!...so i was happy...i think it was all the little kids running around trying to catch butterflies that got his attention....
once we made it inside...there were butterflies flying everywhere...i donno but i guess i had a different idea of what it would be like....basically it was a greenhouse with butterflies flying around lol...i thought it would be more hitek or something...but i guess you really dont need everything to be hitek all the time...just flowers and butterflies....a perfect combination....
we walked around a bit and watched butterflies land on kids hands...none would ever come to either of us lol...i guess we dont have enough sugar in our blood lol...but it was really cute to see kids interacting with the butterflies...
we went in the butterfly nursery..this is where all the babies are born..
kpp and this little boy hit it off really good and they were chasing each other around...and trying to catch butterflies...
after being TOO hot in the butterfly section...we walked around to some other sections of the conservatory...
the first section was the orchid garden...i loooove orchids...i donno but its something about that flower that makes me smile...the orchid garden is soooo nice...i had to snap some pics...THEY ARE JUST AMAZING FLOWERS!
then there was another section...i cant remember the actual name...so we will just call it the "rainforest".....
when we came to this waterfall...i thought of the movie...lion king 1 1/2...the movie we watch almost everyday lol...
then we came across these two strange flowering plants...ive never seen anything like it before...
we were almost finish...no tantrum...no crying...UNTIL!...i wanted to take one last picture lol and he was NOT having it lol...he was TIRED and HOT and READY TO GOOO!!!!
so needless to say...WE LEFT!!! QUICKLY! LOL
awwww...today was such a good day..ive dreamed of having special times like this with kpp...i cant wait til he is alittle older so we can talk about what he sees...we have little conversations lol but without words now...i guess i shouldnt rush him..he has grown up sooo fast...these last past 15 months have flown by....but you know...
IM LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!!...
and days like this..makes me love them even more!!!
awww i feel sooo blessed today...its mothers day today...i have a beautiful son! and he looooovvesss me!!!...he wore the cutest tshirt today lol....check it out...
...didnt i say that shirt was cute lol...it says "MOM RULES"....everyone commented on how cute he looked...lol...in his little sandals...it was sooo funny early to see him try and walk in them...you know the thong sandles lol...how they are in between your toes! lol...it was funny...
of course i had to have some special mothers day pictures taken of him lol...if you say man she takes alot of pictures of him...the answer is "yeah YOUR RIGHT...i do"... lol...
here they are...i just took a picture of the professional pictures...and we went to the same place...the picture people....man they do suuuuch a great job....i mean really good...they had him clapping and being the ham that he really is...lol i was soo pleased i even bought that one year membership lol...you can come in as much as you want lol...yeah i know...thats sad!!!lol
he is soo freaking adorable lol...
okay enough about him!!!
i had the remainder of my wisdom teeth yanked out!!! thats mainly why i havent been bloggin lately...3 teeth just pulled from my head!! and i mean yanked...
LITERALLY...i even asked my dentist..."
are you sure you arent the dentist from finding nemo?"...he laughed and continued to
YANK!...my teeth out...my mouth has been pretty swollen up until this point..but im happy to say...my cheeks are going down...now i only look like im storing ONE maybe TWO nuts in my cheeks lol...instead of 10...lol...
...okay...
my day was sooo great today...it started off really nice..me and my boy eating some cereal...then we had a goood nap...we sat in the "big red chair" and just napped for maybe 2 hours...then later we decided to get out...my friend "end" took us to an early lunch...it was really nice...i can truly say...
I LOVE BEING A MOMMIE :)))))))!!!!...WOW MY 2ND MOTHERS DAY!!! ITS WONDERFUL!!!
oh yeah...more pictures lol..of KPP...eating what is now his favorite food....SPAGHETTI!!!!
it looks like he just ate a dead body lol...hahahah
is he shooting me?? lol thats hilarious!!
oh yeah ill have to tell you guys about my son and his surgery....he hasnt had it...it was postponed...it was suppose to be tomorrow....but we are hoping we can get in on thursday...it kinda scares me....so ill wait and talk about it tomorrow :)...
okay...my day is going sooo well...on top of a wonderful day...i had strawberry shortcake...one of my all time favorite desserts!!! :)
k nite :)
...didnt i say that shirt was cute lol...it says "MOM RULES"....everyone commented on how cute he looked...lol...in his little sandals...it was sooo funny early to see him try and walk in them...you know the thong sandles lol...how they are in between your toes! lol...it was funny...of course i had to have some special mothers day pictures taken of him lol...if you say man she takes alot of pictures of him...the answer is "yeah YOUR RIGHT...i do"... lol...
here they are...i just took a picture of the professional pictures...and we went to the same place...the picture people....man they do suuuuch a great job....i mean really good...they had him clapping and being the ham that he really is...lol i was soo pleased i even bought that one year membership lol...you can come in as much as you want lol...yeah i know...thats sad!!!lol
he is soo freaking adorable lol...
okay enough about him!!!
i had the remainder of my wisdom teeth yanked out!!! thats mainly why i havent been bloggin lately...3 teeth just pulled from my head!! and i mean yanked...
LITERALLY...i even asked my dentist..."
are you sure you arent the dentist from finding nemo?"...he laughed and continued to
YANK!...my teeth out...my mouth has been pretty swollen up until this point..but im happy to say...my cheeks are going down...now i only look like im storing ONE maybe TWO nuts in my cheeks lol...instead of 10...lol...
...okay...my day was sooo great today...it started off really nice..me and my boy eating some cereal...then we had a goood nap...we sat in the "big red chair" and just napped for maybe 2 hours...then later we decided to get out...my friend "end" took us to an early lunch...it was really nice...i can truly say...
I LOVE BEING A MOMMIE :)))))))!!!!...WOW MY 2ND MOTHERS DAY!!! ITS WONDERFUL!!!
oh yeah...more pictures lol..of KPP...eating what is now his favorite food....SPAGHETTI!!!!
it looks like he just ate a dead body lol...hahahahis he shooting me?? lol thats hilarious!!oh yeah ill have to tell you guys about my son and his surgery....he hasnt had it...it was postponed...it was suppose to be tomorrow....but we are hoping we can get in on thursday...it kinda scares me....so ill wait and talk about it tomorrow :)...
okay...my day is going sooo well...on top of a wonderful day...i had strawberry shortcake...one of my all time favorite desserts!!! :)
k nite :)
i donno what will happen with me and "end"...today i had a good day...but you know...its still not easy...and i said i wanted easy...
but do i really want easy??
i love when emotions are high...i get a kick out of it...no no no...dont call me a drama queen...i just love to be entertained...so would i really enjoy an easy relationship??....
when i look at my past...whenever the relationship got really easy...i did something or he did something to break up the monotony... and i enjoyed that...maybe we went on a trip...or we used to do something different...
so is easy a good adjective to describe what kinda relationship i want?? i donno...and you know when i think of a better one....ill tell you...
easy...no maybe active is a better word....i donno...but when i think about what easy means...maybe easy isnt the best word for what im looking for....
but do i really want easy??
i love when emotions are high...i get a kick out of it...no no no...dont call me a drama queen...i just love to be entertained...so would i really enjoy an easy relationship??....
when i look at my past...whenever the relationship got really easy...i did something or he did something to break up the monotony... and i enjoyed that...maybe we went on a trip...or we used to do something different...
so is easy a good adjective to describe what kinda relationship i want?? i donno...and you know when i think of a better one....ill tell you...
easy...no maybe active is a better word....i donno...but when i think about what easy means...maybe easy isnt the best word for what im looking for....