its always astonishing to me when my son either: figures out something...learns something new...or speaks some new word....
well tonight..it was "his shadow".....its funny because we always watch this dvd..."bear and the big blue house"....well on the show there is this character named..."SHADOW".....he loves her....she is just a shadow on the wall (i've always said my son would love the simple things in life..)...he laughs and screams when i pull out the dvd........he starts to scream out..."SHADOW!!! SHADOW!!!"....so tonight was kind of odd lol....he saw his own shadow...and even played with it for a short time...then he started to whine...almost cry...and for like a half a second i wondered why????...but then I HAD IT!?.....HE WAS SCARED!!!!....i couldnt believe it...i almost wanted to show him his shadow again..so i could understand his fear...wtf?...he was just playing with the damn thing...and now he is petrified?! hahahaa....that shit was insane ...
i shouldnt think that this is soo amusing......but i do...i think its comical because he has become soooo "self-sufficient" lately (well as independent as a french speaking, dirty diaper wearing, french fry eating 19 month old can be lol)...lol...i almost felt good because he needed me...he needed me to pick him up...shelter him from "his shadow", his new fear....it just shows me that he isnt done with me yet....i feel good...eventhough he was scared lol...i feel needed...
its something about my little "sweets (what i call him)" growing up...i feel a little melancholy when i see him growing because i feel left out in some way.........yet on the other hand...i feel sooo full....full of pride...love...hope....i fell...like a mother.....i feel normal...because every proficient and loving mother has had these feelings...
wow...my son..he's growing up...yet he is only 19 months...but everyday he is acquiring all this knowledge to become.....this wonderful human being....i cant wait to see him at 4 :) lol
i love my sweets...i think ill add that as my signature on my email...haha...thats cute...someone will probably think im hungry and offer me a snickers bar hahahaa...oh well...
i love my sweets (kpp)...he is MARVELOUS!
lately ive been thinking a lot about my life and the direction it has taken...good and bad...and wow...im breathlessly awaiting to see how these trials and tribulations will imprint my life....
i woke up this morning at 5am looking at my son...yes yes yes...he is spoiled therefore he sleeps with me....( i have a one bedroom apartment...i think even if i had a 5 room place he would probably be in bed with me....i mean there is no one esle in my bed)....i digress...
i wake up and im in aww at his little face...its still dark...but enough light outside from the street lights for me to see him...i love mornings like this....he is laying there...with his feet in my chest..and his hands on my face...(yes picture that...could you really get a good nights sleep in the shape of a "U"?...he does lol)...he is laying there..and im just watching his chest move...watching his breath consume him....then leave him...its a wonderful feeling to be in love...to be in love with someone...who is in love with you....my son...
i always thought that we would have this perfect relationship.....the one i read about or saw on tv...and after his birth i was depressed for a couple of months because i agonized over me being this perfect mother...the one i'd deemed myself unworthy to be.....well i am perfect now!! hahaha...im the only mother he will ever know...we are a perfect match....no i dont mean im perfect without faults...but my love for him is as perfect as it comes...as raw as it gets...as clear as a glass after you've cleaned it with windex lol..i love my son...
i watched my child this morning...all the stains on my sheets from him sipping on his sippy cup...his leaky diaper....and that little bit of grape jelly that was still on his shirt from last night...haaha..i watched him....he is sooo beautiful....i've always been the mushy type..but man...ive never been like this...the person who will cry over how much someone sooo small can mean to me...(oh what the hell am i talking about?...YES I HAVE!)....that kid.....my little revolutionary...my little eater off the floorer lol....he is my love....he is pure..he is sooo wonderful.....and even with his new found prospective on his own little life...you know that one that all children get at his age...HIS INDEPENDENCE!....and yes thats frustrating to see..but he is soo wonderful to me...i watch him...
i watch his hands move...i look at his little dirty fingernails...(because brother didnt take a bath last night lol)...and i just watch him....i look at my mobile to see the time...and its 530am....wow..."i should try to sleep alittle...i just went to bed at 3am....why am i not sleeping...because i just want to watch my boy....my seed..."
my seed...wow...fertilized by baba (dad in swahili).....and wow....im amazed....im amazed that through our entire relationship...us knowing each other for the years that we did...that kpp is the best thing we have ever done....all the places we'd been...all the internet we'd experienced together ahaha kpp is the best!....this fertilization wasnt planned....but welcomes...i was scared...yet i had courage to love...i felt alone...yet kpp was there with me the whole time....wow..my little seed....he is growing up to be a great little guy....my offspring..he can forever say that "my momma loves me"....(well whenever he feels the need to even speak...shit to even say momma...mom or something..damn...he says dad...but not mom...oh well...i got green eyes like a mofo....cause i see his littel face every morning lol....shit ive changed his dirty diaper more times hahaah and stayed up with him crying...and all he can do is look at me and run away and smile and say...dad...hahaha....hell naw....okay...back to my love explosion)...yeah..god's son..our son....my son...he is the best.....
and i cant wait to disclose to him my inner most feelings about how i felt about him from day one.....and listen to him say..."eewwww mommie....get away from me!"...i cant wait to see him run away from me...because he knows that when i see him i muuuust have a kiss..i cant wait for him to overstand how much i love him....i cant wait to tell him that i would surely lay down my life for his in a given situation...i cant wait....
i just can not wait....
i woke up this morning at 5am looking at my son...yes yes yes...he is spoiled therefore he sleeps with me....( i have a one bedroom apartment...i think even if i had a 5 room place he would probably be in bed with me....i mean there is no one esle in my bed)....i digress...
i wake up and im in aww at his little face...its still dark...but enough light outside from the street lights for me to see him...i love mornings like this....he is laying there...with his feet in my chest..and his hands on my face...(yes picture that...could you really get a good nights sleep in the shape of a "U"?...he does lol)...he is laying there..and im just watching his chest move...watching his breath consume him....then leave him...its a wonderful feeling to be in love...to be in love with someone...who is in love with you....my son...
i always thought that we would have this perfect relationship.....the one i read about or saw on tv...and after his birth i was depressed for a couple of months because i agonized over me being this perfect mother...the one i'd deemed myself unworthy to be.....well i am perfect now!! hahaha...im the only mother he will ever know...we are a perfect match....no i dont mean im perfect without faults...but my love for him is as perfect as it comes...as raw as it gets...as clear as a glass after you've cleaned it with windex lol..i love my son...
i watched my child this morning...all the stains on my sheets from him sipping on his sippy cup...his leaky diaper....and that little bit of grape jelly that was still on his shirt from last night...haaha..i watched him....he is sooo beautiful....i've always been the mushy type..but man...ive never been like this...the person who will cry over how much someone sooo small can mean to me...(oh what the hell am i talking about?...YES I HAVE!)....that kid.....my little revolutionary...my little eater off the floorer lol....he is my love....he is pure..he is sooo wonderful.....and even with his new found prospective on his own little life...you know that one that all children get at his age...HIS INDEPENDENCE!....and yes thats frustrating to see..but he is soo wonderful to me...i watch him...
i watch his hands move...i look at his little dirty fingernails...(because brother didnt take a bath last night lol)...and i just watch him....i look at my mobile to see the time...and its 530am....wow..."i should try to sleep alittle...i just went to bed at 3am....why am i not sleeping...because i just want to watch my boy....my seed..."
my seed...wow...fertilized by baba (dad in swahili).....and wow....im amazed....im amazed that through our entire relationship...us knowing each other for the years that we did...that kpp is the best thing we have ever done....all the places we'd been...all the internet we'd experienced together ahaha kpp is the best!....this fertilization wasnt planned....but welcomes...i was scared...yet i had courage to love...i felt alone...yet kpp was there with me the whole time....wow..my little seed....he is growing up to be a great little guy....my offspring..he can forever say that "my momma loves me"....(well whenever he feels the need to even speak...shit to even say momma...mom or something..damn...he says dad...but not mom...oh well...i got green eyes like a mofo....cause i see his littel face every morning lol....shit ive changed his dirty diaper more times hahaah and stayed up with him crying...and all he can do is look at me and run away and smile and say...dad...hahaha....hell naw....okay...back to my love explosion)...yeah..god's son..our son....my son...he is the best.....
and i cant wait to disclose to him my inner most feelings about how i felt about him from day one.....and listen to him say..."eewwww mommie....get away from me!"...i cant wait to see him run away from me...because he knows that when i see him i muuuust have a kiss..i cant wait for him to overstand how much i love him....i cant wait to tell him that i would surely lay down my life for his in a given situation...i cant wait....
i just can not wait....
kpp is taking a quick nap...so i can blog ...
I'm tired of being alone in love..
nobody is here to induce my artsy side...prompt my lovey dovey side...work up that side of me thats sooo soft (because lately...im a hard ass hahaha....yeah thats hilarious..ME a hardass...)...no one is here to temp that side of me that will make me get on my knees and give the best fellatio that ive ever given
hahahaah...did i just say that?...yep i did....but i need that...i need someone to excite me...propel me to my highest high....not to say that i do much....not to say when i find this person..i will become president...because i wont...i will just think great thoughts...i will love things again...(not just kpp lol)...i will love my photoshop creations (because lately i feel like everything i do it...blah!)........I've found that I need this motivation.
it seems to me lately that everything is banal and common...It would seem like i shouldnt feel this way...at this point in myu life now that i have the love of kpp.....i guess i want someone to share him with...yeah you may say...he has a father...but we arentcollaborators in love....but he and i dont have that "thing"....that thing i need...and i wont force it.....
yeah its something about THIS loneliness i feel...i think its probably because i have new people around me..people who say they care and love me......but none fo them show it as much as i would like...i always have to be "depressed" for them to care...because usually im the carer..not the careee hahaah thats not a word...but you get my drift lol.....they all just think about themselves...and i keep them around for the little attention i do get from them.....they dont SPARK ME.....have you ever had that feeling...of being in a room full of people...and you still feel all alone...well thats how i feel....some of my friends will probably be upset with me for saying this...they will probably not talk to me for a while...but its true...i listen..they talk...but none of them seem to hear me or give me advice when i soooo need it...or just be easy with me.......their lives revolve around them (which is never a bad thing but dont expect to be my sun because im not revolving around you)......and they seem to love the fact that "luuve will always be there"....so i continue to write on my blog about how boring and loney my life is...instead of writing entertaining and exhilarating blogshit..
i was just about to hit the sack...but i saw this blog...i wont name the blog...well actually i cant remember the name of the blog...haha opps...
this guy calls his girlfriend...."sweets"....and i thought about dad and kpp...i call them both that...
so of course i had to show dad cause he was still up...and
he says...
"dad: you get happy about the smallest things"
then i said....
"Luuvely: yeah i try to live my life like that...makes the big BAD stuff not soo big and bad."....
wow...im happy i get happy over the little things in life...dad probably thinks its a horrible thing...but i think i do because...when the BIG GOOD stuff comes...it is sooooo AWESOME!!!!!
ive been depressed alittle lately...but i feel good tonight.....dad has a really calming spirit for me...(haha i say like..the lord gave him to me hahaha...naw...i just mean he is a good friend to me)...and i thank him for being around when i need him....its nice...im glad we are parents working together to raise a great son....we couldnt be the ideal family..but i thank God that we are making "our family" work...
thank you Lord....because i loooove kpp and i want nothing but the best we can give for him!
night :)
this guy calls his girlfriend...."sweets"....and i thought about dad and kpp...i call them both that...
so of course i had to show dad cause he was still up...and
he says...
"dad: you get happy about the smallest things"
then i said....
"Luuvely: yeah i try to live my life like that...makes the big BAD stuff not soo big and bad."....
wow...im happy i get happy over the little things in life...dad probably thinks its a horrible thing...but i think i do because...when the BIG GOOD stuff comes...it is sooooo AWESOME!!!!!
ive been depressed alittle lately...but i feel good tonight.....dad has a really calming spirit for me...(haha i say like..the lord gave him to me hahaha...naw...i just mean he is a good friend to me)...and i thank him for being around when i need him....its nice...im glad we are parents working together to raise a great son....we couldnt be the ideal family..but i thank God that we are making "our family" work...
thank you Lord....because i loooove kpp and i want nothing but the best we can give for him!
night :)
Things I Like in my Mate! oooh so the things that are in white..ive found them in someone...lets shoot for all 25!...or am i asking for tooo much??!!
1. loves my son
2. is spiritual
3. we make great love! meaning ummm great cunnilingus!
4. is kinda romantic but not too mushy! ewww sometimes i hate all that mushy stuff...
5. is clean and organized...but doesnt complain about me being messy..
6. takes me around the friends (sometimes and only the ones i like haahaha!)
7. loves the arts
8. cooks for me
9. open minded...because i can be a freak sometimes lol
10. loves family
11. compassionate yet courageous
12. has great hygiene
13. loves great music!
14. Intelligent...a super smart...geeeekkk! i love geeks!
15. Loves my family...can i really ask that from someone! hahaha...my people are craaazzzy!!!
16. Respects me
17. Strong minded
18. Hardworking but not a work-aholic
19. funny alittle on the goofy side...because i am...
20. Freaky
21. Stable cause i need someone to live with if i get evicted lol
22. Great sex...
23. loves me for the person i am...with all my faults...still loves me...
24. Freaky
25. oh yeah okay...freaky!
1. loves my son
2. is spiritual
3. we make great love! meaning ummm great cunnilingus!
4. is kinda romantic but not too mushy! ewww sometimes i hate all that mushy stuff...
5. is clean and organized...but doesnt complain about me being messy..
6. takes me around the friends (sometimes and only the ones i like haahaha!)
7. loves the arts
8. cooks for me
9. open minded...because i can be a freak sometimes lol
10. loves family
11. compassionate yet courageous
12. has great hygiene
13. loves great music!
14. Intelligent...a super smart...geeeekkk! i love geeks!
15. Loves my family...can i really ask that from someone! hahaha...my people are craaazzzy!!!
16. Respects me
17. Strong minded
18. Hardworking but not a work-aholic
19. funny alittle on the goofy side...because i am...
20. Freaky
21. Stable cause i need someone to live with if i get evicted lol
22. Great sex...
23. loves me for the person i am...with all my faults...still loves me...
24. Freaky
25. oh yeah okay...freaky!
im still searching for a job...its depressing really...
i was asked..well when is your money going to run out lol...
ummmmm...i answered....2 weeks ago! lol...my friend laughed...
so i continue to search...its really crutical lol!
oh yeah...so this morning i was really depressed...and sad...about the whole money situation...so i texted dad..and its something about his calming spirit that soothes me...im glad we are friends...
thanks baba! :)
i was asked..well when is your money going to run out lol...
ummmmm...i answered....2 weeks ago! lol...my friend laughed...
so i continue to search...its really crutical lol!
oh yeah...so this morning i was really depressed...and sad...about the whole money situation...so i texted dad..and its something about his calming spirit that soothes me...im glad we are friends...
thanks baba! :)
okay..i kinda fixed it...i did some new design..and just wanted to show off alittle...but whatever..okay..i fixed it alittle...ill finish tomorrow...im sleepy :)
oh yeah...
its a little brother concert on friday here in the city...
if you read my blog regularly...you will know the last concert that i reeeallly wanted to go to...was ummmm..jill scott...and you remember i had to go alone...
well this time...i have more friends wanting to go than a few...
i hate my life somedays hahaha...its like...when i reeeaallly want to be with someone...no one is around...and when i reeeally just wanna hang alone...or with one person....everyone says...."wanna go?"...wtf?!
oh well...ill have to talk to corey about it...he is one of the people too...
maybe we will all just go TOGETHER!...hahaha that will be funny...
my friends are soo different..they probably would all hate each other...
i have some real hip hop heads...
who would probably hate the smarty fartys...
then i have those friends who love me...like really are IN LOVE...with me...
who would hate those other friends who im REALLY IN LOVE WITH!...
then i have some great GAY or BI friends...who hate all of my straight friends...
i love my friends...each and every ONE OF THEM!
oh yeah...
its a little brother concert on friday here in the city...
if you read my blog regularly...you will know the last concert that i reeeallly wanted to go to...was ummmm..jill scott...and you remember i had to go alone...
well this time...i have more friends wanting to go than a few...
i hate my life somedays hahaha...its like...when i reeeaallly want to be with someone...no one is around...and when i reeeally just wanna hang alone...or with one person....everyone says...."wanna go?"...wtf?!
oh well...ill have to talk to corey about it...he is one of the people too...
maybe we will all just go TOGETHER!...hahaha that will be funny...
my friends are soo different..they probably would all hate each other...
i have some real hip hop heads...
who would probably hate the smarty fartys...
then i have those friends who love me...like really are IN LOVE...with me...
who would hate those other friends who im REALLY IN LOVE WITH!...
then i have some great GAY or BI friends...who hate all of my straight friends...
i love my friends...each and every ONE OF THEM!
HAHAHAH I FUCKED MY BLOG UP!!...so i need to try and fix it...i hate the fact that this blogger uses templates...so i cant really do much html! hahaha...
oh well...ill fix it..and it will be great!
oh well...ill fix it..and it will be great!
i just got off the phone with corey...what is becoming my favorite morning ritual...its usually right when i wake up...but before kpp wakes up...and when kpp wakes up...he is in suuucch a great mood...talking and loving on me...so its soo nice...i stay on the phone alittle while longer...and kpp has reign over the apartment lol...i know he loves the fact that corey calls lololol.....
but anywho corey made something sooo clear to me with this phone call...
that my feelings are NOT more important than the truth"....WOW..no one has ever told me that before...
he always does this little thing...he says he is getting off the phone then he.........keeeeepppps talking...its like ive set myself up for him to get off the phone...prepared myself...got alittle sad with the fact that the phone call will end...and ill have to start my day without his guidance lol...and then.......HE KEEPS TALKING...so now i have to go through my steps again...so i tell him this...and he was like...awww...you are difficult..you know the phone call will end...
but i dont care about that...i still get alittle sad about it..its like telling someone that is greiving that their family member has "gone to a better place" hahaha..thats a bunch of shit...im still sad about it......
and he goes on to say...oops ill get in trouble for doing this..because he hates when you paraphrase his words but i have to right now...he goes on to say...that thats how he lives his life...thats how he "snaps back"...because he understands that truth is more important than his feelings...wow...i love him...or did i already say that lol....he teaches me sooo much...and i like that about our relationship...he probably doesnt think he does..buthe does...some days he says things that are soo profound..but then other days...i would rather change a dirty diaper than to talk to him hahaaha...(dont tell him i said that lol)..but even on those days...i love talking to him...
but anywho corey made something sooo clear to me with this phone call...
that my feelings are NOT more important than the truth"....WOW..no one has ever told me that before...
he always does this little thing...he says he is getting off the phone then he.........keeeeepppps talking...its like ive set myself up for him to get off the phone...prepared myself...got alittle sad with the fact that the phone call will end...and ill have to start my day without his guidance lol...and then.......HE KEEPS TALKING...so now i have to go through my steps again...so i tell him this...and he was like...awww...you are difficult..you know the phone call will end...
but i dont care about that...i still get alittle sad about it..its like telling someone that is greiving that their family member has "gone to a better place" hahaha..thats a bunch of shit...im still sad about it......
and he goes on to say...oops ill get in trouble for doing this..because he hates when you paraphrase his words but i have to right now...he goes on to say...that thats how he lives his life...thats how he "snaps back"...because he understands that truth is more important than his feelings...wow...i love him...or did i already say that lol....he teaches me sooo much...and i like that about our relationship...he probably doesnt think he does..buthe does...some days he says things that are soo profound..but then other days...i would rather change a dirty diaper than to talk to him hahaaha...(dont tell him i said that lol)..but even on those days...i love talking to him...
i talked to corey last night on the phone and got emotional..."ie...almosted started to cry"...so i got off the phone...
he is soo good to me...he called me as soon as he got home from work...7:26am lol...he was just calling to "check up on me"...i cherish his friendship...we are always talking about we need an easy relationship...and the best thing so far is ours...i enjoy talking to him...unlike othe folks!!!
ive been kinda feeling depressed lately...but im slowly coming out of it...i think that not having a job and my money is slowly leaving my bank account is the root cause lol...you know being a broke bastard will always make you sad...
some days i just wish though...it can be like it used to be...i used to be a broke bastard lol with a job...but still i had someone to spend my time with "dramafree"...even if all we did was eat at fast food resturants lol...or sit on the net...or ummmmm you know...we never really did anything.....but we were happy with it...you know..and when we did do things..they were the highlight of the day...lol...i loved it...it was nice...always comfortable...even if we fought...thats easy relationship...i never want to work harder at a relationship than my mate works...its not funl....but is it really one for me out there??...
he is soo good to me...he called me as soon as he got home from work...7:26am lol...he was just calling to "check up on me"...i cherish his friendship...we are always talking about we need an easy relationship...and the best thing so far is ours...i enjoy talking to him...unlike othe folks!!!
ive been kinda feeling depressed lately...but im slowly coming out of it...i think that not having a job and my money is slowly leaving my bank account is the root cause lol...you know being a broke bastard will always make you sad...
some days i just wish though...it can be like it used to be...i used to be a broke bastard lol with a job...but still i had someone to spend my time with "dramafree"...even if all we did was eat at fast food resturants lol...or sit on the net...or ummmmm you know...we never really did anything.....but we were happy with it...you know..and when we did do things..they were the highlight of the day...lol...i loved it...it was nice...always comfortable...even if we fought...thats easy relationship...i never want to work harder at a relationship than my mate works...its not funl....but is it really one for me out there??...
so i told derek...he seemed to be in outerspace when i told him...
i donno what he thinks of me sometimes lol...its weird...
but at this point...i have 25 more times...to get an A+ and i cant wait!!! lol
i donno what he thinks of me sometimes lol...its weird...
but at this point...i have 25 more times...to get an A+ and i cant wait!!! lol
daaaaammmn...i dont know what the fuck i be thinking...(ebonics i know...but what would be the best way to say that lol...i dont know what im thinking!...naw...i love ebonics!)...
damn i do shit...and i think ive thought it out...but when its all said and done...it usually isnt...
so now...ive been up all damn night...thinking about my actions...since 4am! lol...im a nutcase!
i need to talk to my "doctor" lol maybe he can help me in this....or maybe not...i couldnt even see myself telling him "THIS!" hahahaa...
could i tell corey...hell naw...he would be jealous..
could i tell end...hell naw...lol end would go nuts on me...
could i tell e...hell naw...she would just look at me....and laugh...and say "i knew it" lol
who can i tell...
ummm i got it...I WILL TELL MY BESTEST FRIEND...DEREK! LOL...he has always listened to me without judgement...even when he wants to scream...what the fuck is wrong with you..lol..yeah he is the only person i could tell "THIS" to...
oh god! hahahahahahaha!!!
damn i do shit...and i think ive thought it out...but when its all said and done...it usually isnt...
so now...ive been up all damn night...thinking about my actions...since 4am! lol...im a nutcase!
i need to talk to my "doctor" lol maybe he can help me in this....or maybe not...i couldnt even see myself telling him "THIS!" hahahaa...
could i tell corey...hell naw...he would be jealous..
could i tell end...hell naw...lol end would go nuts on me...
could i tell e...hell naw...she would just look at me....and laugh...and say "i knew it" lol
who can i tell...
ummm i got it...I WILL TELL MY BESTEST FRIEND...DEREK! LOL...he has always listened to me without judgement...even when he wants to scream...what the fuck is wrong with you..lol..yeah he is the only person i could tell "THIS" to...
oh god! hahahahahahaha!!!
well over the weekend r&e gave me some unwarranted advice...
said i basically need to scratch everyone off my list...and start fresh...
i donno if i will do that..but it was something they thought they should share...
its weird that i talk to them..and they give me this advice because they think its best for me...
i donno...they are crazy...but i love them both...
one day ill take their advice... :)
said i basically need to scratch everyone off my list...and start fresh...
i donno if i will do that..but it was something they thought they should share...
its weird that i talk to them..and they give me this advice because they think its best for me...
i donno...they are crazy...but i love them both...
one day ill take their advice... :)
i keep getting myself into weird situations....i think i do this because i am having some urges i cant seem to get resolved....lol...well hell i dont really need to be doing that lol...
so i put myself into very ummmm naughty situations lol...i never actually do anything...but it only leaves me wanting to...and the other person hating me for leading them on lololol...but damn...im a scorp and i cant help it...that damn beast!!....if im not getting it...i at least have to play around and act like ill do it lololol...
oh well...i really just want to go ahead and do it....but i want to find the right person....not just a fling you know...
okay i need a break from that....here is something...
have you ever been accussed of cheating before??
if so? did it make you want to cheat??
after all the accusations..did you go ahead and cheat?
okay im back to the topic that i started out with...URGES...
okay so the urges are still around.....they come over me every once and a while...and im really trying but cant fight it...im weak as hell...i try to be a good girl...you know...wait...but damn....this is getting really hard lol..no pun intended lol...
so ill just say this...im waiting...im patient...and the day will come :)
i always said the next person i got with i wanted the relationship to be easy...but damn it seems like even the folks ive dated are afraid of themselves...i guess thats why i wait...wait to really get it going...for real get it going...
yeah its like they are afraid to be emotional...afraid of what someone will think...i dont know about you...but i respect people more if they are open and honest...if they are their true self...
take ummm "hijinks" for example...i love him because he knows he is a jackass lol and he shows it everyday lol...and i tell him everyday lol that he is...he knows that he is mean and i understand that lol....mean bastard!!! lol but see i laugh about it and we keep it moving....i hope you are reading this!!!
take ummm "corey" he is very unorganized...his thoughts; his home...and i love him too...because he isnt afraid to say it...he isnt afraid to come across as being unorganized...he isnt afraid to slow down and think...or to clean up lol......he knows whats wrong with him and he says it...
but damn other folks lol...they dont understand nor do they get it...just be you...be your true self...and if people like you..they like you...if they dont they dont...at least you are being honest...and true...
lol take me...i know im a lightweight mean "b" lol...but i can be a sweetie too...well when i fell loved anyway lol...i mean when i feel something i show it...and when i think something i say it...so there is never any doubt in the people's mind around me whats going on...i used to loose out alot because i never said how i felt...but now...i think my good friends respect me for it..love me for my honest...and cherish my emotions...lol i said my good friends...not you freaks i hang with lol
and yeah being myself you know the all emotional luuvelyladdy has caused me some pain...but you know what...i love me...and usually folks will stay around because they love me...or like me lol...and when they leave...i keep moving...
i just wish people around me would be more honest about themselves..and not afraid to be who they really are...
i guess i shouldnt really even care...i should let it go..and leave them alone...dont take their phone calls, text or emails lol but i love freaks lol i guess i love to complain about them lol...
night :)
so i put myself into very ummmm naughty situations lol...i never actually do anything...but it only leaves me wanting to...and the other person hating me for leading them on lololol...but damn...im a scorp and i cant help it...that damn beast!!....if im not getting it...i at least have to play around and act like ill do it lololol...
oh well...i really just want to go ahead and do it....but i want to find the right person....not just a fling you know...
okay i need a break from that....here is something...
have you ever been accussed of cheating before??
if so? did it make you want to cheat??
after all the accusations..did you go ahead and cheat?
okay im back to the topic that i started out with...URGES...
okay so the urges are still around.....they come over me every once and a while...and im really trying but cant fight it...im weak as hell...i try to be a good girl...you know...wait...but damn....this is getting really hard lol..no pun intended lol...
so ill just say this...im waiting...im patient...and the day will come :)
i always said the next person i got with i wanted the relationship to be easy...but damn it seems like even the folks ive dated are afraid of themselves...i guess thats why i wait...wait to really get it going...for real get it going...
yeah its like they are afraid to be emotional...afraid of what someone will think...i dont know about you...but i respect people more if they are open and honest...if they are their true self...
take ummm "hijinks" for example...i love him because he knows he is a jackass lol and he shows it everyday lol...and i tell him everyday lol that he is...he knows that he is mean and i understand that lol....mean bastard!!! lol but see i laugh about it and we keep it moving....i hope you are reading this!!!
take ummm "corey" he is very unorganized...his thoughts; his home...and i love him too...because he isnt afraid to say it...he isnt afraid to come across as being unorganized...he isnt afraid to slow down and think...or to clean up lol......he knows whats wrong with him and he says it...
but damn other folks lol...they dont understand nor do they get it...just be you...be your true self...and if people like you..they like you...if they dont they dont...at least you are being honest...and true...
lol take me...i know im a lightweight mean "b" lol...but i can be a sweetie too...well when i fell loved anyway lol...i mean when i feel something i show it...and when i think something i say it...so there is never any doubt in the people's mind around me whats going on...i used to loose out alot because i never said how i felt...but now...i think my good friends respect me for it..love me for my honest...and cherish my emotions...lol i said my good friends...not you freaks i hang with lol
and yeah being myself you know the all emotional luuvelyladdy has caused me some pain...but you know what...i love me...and usually folks will stay around because they love me...or like me lol...and when they leave...i keep moving...
i just wish people around me would be more honest about themselves..and not afraid to be who they really are...
i guess i shouldnt really even care...i should let it go..and leave them alone...dont take their phone calls, text or emails lol but i love freaks lol i guess i love to complain about them lol...
night :)
this hurricane has got me super sad..
everytime i turn on the damn tv there it is..and then another one of george bush's fools...condi rice!
read what she has been doing lately....
Yesterday, Rice went shopping at Ferragamo on Fifth Ave. According to the Web site www.Gawker.com, the 50-year-old bought "several thousand dollars' worth of shoes" at the pricey leather-goods boutique.
A fellow shopper shouted, "How dare you shop for shoes while thousands are dying and homeless!" - presumably referring to Louisiana and Mississippi.
The woman expressing her First Amendment rights was promptly removed from the store. A Ferragamo store manager confirmed to us that Rice did shop there yesterday, but refused to answer questions about whether the protester was removed, and whether by his own security or the Secret Service.
more bullshit!!!!
i've found the kayne west video...check it out...
its plenty of videos on that site...i looove that site..always have..and now you see how journalists feel..ive always loved geraldo...eventhough he is a fool...i still love him..he can cry on que...lol...but is he lying about anything? let those folks get out of there!! dont barcade them in! let them go!!!
it is killing me to watch it all unfold...but i cant take my eyes off the tv...i cant stop watching...thank god for saturday night and boring tv....nothing is on...
while we up north continue with our daily lives...just think about the people down south...they still have no food...no water...no nothing...
my father is down in jackson mississippi...its a ways from the gulfcoast but they are feeling effects...and although he has electricity...my grandparents and sister still dont....he and my uncle set up a generator at my grandparents home...but think...you need gas to keep it running..the lines are long...and when you get up to the front...the sign reads..
"NO GAS!"....is this really happening...IN AMERICA??!!!
its scary...im afraid..im afraid for my people...im afraid for people in mississippi, louisiana, florida, alabama...where is the help? when will they get it...
then just think...all those little towns in mississippi...where this disaster hit...but the town is sooo small that the relief is passing right by them...
read this....what do small town residents do? when all the help is going to places like biloxi??...man its wild...have we forgotten about them? damn...what is really going on here???!!!
then read this...
Newt Blasts Bush
"I think it puts into question all of the Homeland Security and Northern Command planning for the last four years, because if we can't respond faster than this to an event we saw coming across the Gulf for days, then why do we think we're prepared to respond to a nuclear or biological attack?" said former House Speaker Newt Gingrich....read on
Ezra Klein: He's neither able to effectively deploy government or call on his friends outside of it. He's just incompetent, as I said before, a small man in a big office. He speaks the language of small government conservatism because it gets him elected, pushes big government solutions because they prove easiest, but is so separated and uninterested in the whole enterprise that the result is a wreck of incoherence and unexpected outcomes....read on
Even La Shawn Barber isn't thrilled: "I’m ashamed of this country and its bumbling leadership today... Billions we spend, and all we have to show for it are four-day-old corpses on the side of the road, starving and injured people, and women and children being raped by animals who shouldn’t even be alive.
so now you tell me am i wrong for feeling the way i feel??...this is soo sad...and still to this day...there has been no help...no help to small cities...no help to fucking larges cities...
if this were another terrorist attack..what do you think would happen?? we gave all the power to our president...naw...he took all the power...because we were in a "war on terror!" and now look?? he has the power and is not doing a damn thing with it!
man this country...my country tis of thee....tis of who??
My country,' tis of thee, (tis of who? where is my government...so what if i didnt vote...i pay taxes...so what if im poor...i still pay taxes...so what if im on welfare...i still pay taxes...so what if i do nothing...IM STILL A HUMAN BEING!)
sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing; YEAH WE TALK ABOUT AMERICA AND HOW GREAT A COUNTRY IT IS...but is it any different than any place else?? no...i wouldnt want to live any place else...but would you think this would have ever happened here??
land where my fathers died, yeah....my fathers died here...and down in the south where hurricane katrina has flattened everything...they are still dying..not because of the disaster...but because our government is a joke...
folks sing this damn song?? why...i cant say ive ever been a political person...yeah i watch and read all the news i can..but im not political...i vote but i dont believe it helps...and to think...folks voted for bush...and everyone says...this fuck up is on the local level... this is state level..no this is on a human level...after a day when our national government saw that the state didnt have control...after they saw folks dying..they shouldve stepped in...folks are still not out of their houses...
just think...if this was you??...
we better start praying and praying today...my GOD!...help us all!
everytime i turn on the damn tv there it is..and then another one of george bush's fools...condi rice!
read what she has been doing lately....
Yesterday, Rice went shopping at Ferragamo on Fifth Ave. According to the Web site www.Gawker.com, the 50-year-old bought "several thousand dollars' worth of shoes" at the pricey leather-goods boutique.
A fellow shopper shouted, "How dare you shop for shoes while thousands are dying and homeless!" - presumably referring to Louisiana and Mississippi.
The woman expressing her First Amendment rights was promptly removed from the store. A Ferragamo store manager confirmed to us that Rice did shop there yesterday, but refused to answer questions about whether the protester was removed, and whether by his own security or the Secret Service.
more bullshit!!!!
i've found the kayne west video...check it out...
its plenty of videos on that site...i looove that site..always have..and now you see how journalists feel..ive always loved geraldo...eventhough he is a fool...i still love him..he can cry on que...lol...but is he lying about anything? let those folks get out of there!! dont barcade them in! let them go!!!
it is killing me to watch it all unfold...but i cant take my eyes off the tv...i cant stop watching...thank god for saturday night and boring tv....nothing is on...
while we up north continue with our daily lives...just think about the people down south...they still have no food...no water...no nothing...
my father is down in jackson mississippi...its a ways from the gulfcoast but they are feeling effects...and although he has electricity...my grandparents and sister still dont....he and my uncle set up a generator at my grandparents home...but think...you need gas to keep it running..the lines are long...and when you get up to the front...the sign reads..
"NO GAS!"....is this really happening...IN AMERICA??!!!
its scary...im afraid..im afraid for my people...im afraid for people in mississippi, louisiana, florida, alabama...where is the help? when will they get it...
then just think...all those little towns in mississippi...where this disaster hit...but the town is sooo small that the relief is passing right by them...
read this....what do small town residents do? when all the help is going to places like biloxi??...man its wild...have we forgotten about them? damn...what is really going on here???!!!
then read this...
Newt Blasts Bush
"I think it puts into question all of the Homeland Security and Northern Command planning for the last four years, because if we can't respond faster than this to an event we saw coming across the Gulf for days, then why do we think we're prepared to respond to a nuclear or biological attack?" said former House Speaker Newt Gingrich....read on
Ezra Klein: He's neither able to effectively deploy government or call on his friends outside of it. He's just incompetent, as I said before, a small man in a big office. He speaks the language of small government conservatism because it gets him elected, pushes big government solutions because they prove easiest, but is so separated and uninterested in the whole enterprise that the result is a wreck of incoherence and unexpected outcomes....read on
Even La Shawn Barber isn't thrilled: "I’m ashamed of this country and its bumbling leadership today... Billions we spend, and all we have to show for it are four-day-old corpses on the side of the road, starving and injured people, and women and children being raped by animals who shouldn’t even be alive.
so now you tell me am i wrong for feeling the way i feel??...this is soo sad...and still to this day...there has been no help...no help to small cities...no help to fucking larges cities...
if this were another terrorist attack..what do you think would happen?? we gave all the power to our president...naw...he took all the power...because we were in a "war on terror!" and now look?? he has the power and is not doing a damn thing with it!
man this country...my country tis of thee....tis of who??
My country,' tis of thee, (tis of who? where is my government...so what if i didnt vote...i pay taxes...so what if im poor...i still pay taxes...so what if im on welfare...i still pay taxes...so what if i do nothing...IM STILL A HUMAN BEING!)
sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing; YEAH WE TALK ABOUT AMERICA AND HOW GREAT A COUNTRY IT IS...but is it any different than any place else?? no...i wouldnt want to live any place else...but would you think this would have ever happened here??
land where my fathers died, yeah....my fathers died here...and down in the south where hurricane katrina has flattened everything...they are still dying..not because of the disaster...but because our government is a joke...
folks sing this damn song?? why...i cant say ive ever been a political person...yeah i watch and read all the news i can..but im not political...i vote but i dont believe it helps...and to think...folks voted for bush...and everyone says...this fuck up is on the local level... this is state level..no this is on a human level...after a day when our national government saw that the state didnt have control...after they saw folks dying..they shouldve stepped in...folks are still not out of their houses...
just think...if this was you??...
we better start praying and praying today...my GOD!...help us all!
Although my immdiate family is in mendenhall and jackson mississippi and doing as well as can be with electricity since this all happened...im still sad...but im happy they are okay...but im still sad...
im more angry and upset...but there is nothing i can do...except pray and give the little money i do have to the relief efforts...
here is where i gave...after receiving an email from my second mom...im trying to find other private sectors..because after 911 i cant truely trust the damn redcross!.....
here is where i gave...after receiving an email from my second mom...im trying to find other private sectors..because after 911 i cant truely trust the damn redcross!.....
you find someplace to give...naw im not trying to sound all holier than though..but this is the time where 5 dollars is more than nothing...at least that can get you some water and toliet paper.....hell if you dont want to give...at least send a prayer up..
i guess why im the most upset is because our nation...a nation who does everything for everyone else..in a mater of 24 hours or less...didnt do what was needed for our country...for its own people...
i guess im upset because its 2005..seems like we have everything else...but when it comes to the bare necessities of survival we fail...we cant even supply water to folks...fuck a shower..to drink..we cant even give the dying a drink of water...damn...
i guess my anger comes from those scenes at the convention center..a place where folks were TOLD to go for safety..and to hear and read that it is now in 2 inches on feces...i guess thats why im upset..
i guess because ive been obessessed about this for days...i guess its because no one has even mentioned on the news about the vietnamese people..on the other side of new orleans..that are still under water...that are still needing to be rescued..but the rescue teams cant get them...because when they strike out to get them...they find all these other people that are half dead and dying...so they have to pick them up...and take them to safer places...just think...folks are still in this water...ive been to lousisana..i grew up right next door..i know there are swamps...i know there are alligators...animals...dont you think if you dont die from dehydration you will die because an animal came through and ate you up??...and no one shows or talks about that on tv...what the fuck is really going on?
yeah yeah yeah...im in cincinnati ohio..i have electric...yeah gas is high but we have it..i know im not down there..i can only rant and rave about it...but you know what...my thoughts are these...
if it can happen in new orleans...a great city known allll around the damn world...for its jazz...its mulitculturalism...its great food...its soul..its mardi gras..its partying...if it can happen in a "happening" place..in a place full of life...i know damn well it can happen here in cincinnati..if that ohio river flooded...what would the government do...no no...im not talking about the floods of the past...im talking about if something radical like what happened in new orleans happened up here..what would happen..our governor is under investigation for some crazy shit...our mayor is a patsy...so if something radical happened like that up here...what do you think would happen...i think thats were my anger comes from...my fear...
oh damn i forgot...its rich white folks here...they would be here in a damn millisecond...bush would be on the first plane to survey the damn damage here...i forgot this is a fucking RED STATE...shit a RED CITY!!!
"the scene of the gulfcoast pulls the racial scab right off of this country"...(i heard CHRIS MATTHEWS SAY that on tv this morning) fuck that...there hasnt been in damn healing in this country...you want me to tell you why??
because of shit like this...all you see on tv...is black folks...majority poor and old...and the government dont give a fuck about us..because they think we dont vote...we dont buy enough...we dont care about politics...well im here to tell you...I DO......and i care about my people...i wish there was something more i could do...because at this point i sound like an idiotic christian..."lets pray about it"...but let me tell you...
praying about this one..wont be enough...you have to give...you have to DO!
i got an email from my second mom last night..in the email it read...."faith without works is dead"...
so along with my prayer went some money...money i knew i couldnt really afford to give...but you know what...faith without works it dead to god...to me...so there was no question on giving it...
if im on my blog talking shit about the american government i must be willing to do something...even if its alittle...
damn...damn...damn...my people down there..my family down there....they dying...show that shit on tv....show it all...so you uppity folks will stop asking dumb ass questions......
"well why are they shooting?...why would you loot?"
do you really have to ask that question...here is a test...dont feed your child...dont flush your toilet...dont bathe...eat a piece on a peanut butter sandwich and drink a liter of water for 4 days..no better yet...that one sandwich goes to you and your family...of ummm lets say 3 kids...and lets see what the fuck you do...
im looting every damn store...stealing clothes..stealing pampers for my son..milk....and then when the fucking police come...im throwing it down...putting my hands up and saying..."put me in jail!"..because you know they have food..the police have gas...
yeah thats what the fuck im doing...
ask me why folks are shooting..because they want to be first..they are tired of living at the convention center with little to no damn water and food...and no one to soothe their fears.....they want out..they want to be first...oh hell yeah..im pushing the line...im pushing folks out of my way...so me and my son can get the fuck outta there...
so okay now be a dumb ass and ask why are they looting and shooting..yeah there is your damn answer..
yeah i know the saying "a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch"...but do they really??
FUCK NO...you throw away the bad ones and keep the good ones...shit sometimes you even cut the bad part off the bad apples...so whats the problem when it comes to human beings...fuck those thugs up who are robbing and raping..fuck them up...if you listened to the mayor at all..he said he thinks its drug addicts...you know trying to get a fix...trying to take the edge off..thats why they are robbing the hospital...wouldnt you if you were a drug addict...
damn im sooo pissed!!!
ps...see i got through this whole thing without one word about our great president...there is no words to describe what i think of him at this point...he is the president of this said great country and he sits back for 4/5 days watching folks die like you and me have done on tv...and does nothing...wow...what happened...did he get the "real video" or something...did they show him what they havent showed us? did they show him some footage of folks dying...with shit around them...what happened yesterday to make him have that damn press conference..what a great man...what a great fucking man! I applaud him...for showing me that he gives a fuck about the united states people..and especially about black folks...thank you mr president! THANK YOU!
pss..i see i have something in common with one of these fuck ups...the mayor of new orleans speaks...
READ WHAT HE HAS TO SAY!
im more angry and upset...but there is nothing i can do...except pray and give the little money i do have to the relief efforts...
here is where i gave...after receiving an email from my second mom...im trying to find other private sectors..because after 911 i cant truely trust the damn redcross!.....
here is where i gave...after receiving an email from my second mom...im trying to find other private sectors..because after 911 i cant truely trust the damn redcross!.....
you find someplace to give...naw im not trying to sound all holier than though..but this is the time where 5 dollars is more than nothing...at least that can get you some water and toliet paper.....hell if you dont want to give...at least send a prayer up..
i guess why im the most upset is because our nation...a nation who does everything for everyone else..in a mater of 24 hours or less...didnt do what was needed for our country...for its own people...
i guess im upset because its 2005..seems like we have everything else...but when it comes to the bare necessities of survival we fail...we cant even supply water to folks...fuck a shower..to drink..we cant even give the dying a drink of water...damn...
i guess my anger comes from those scenes at the convention center..a place where folks were TOLD to go for safety..and to hear and read that it is now in 2 inches on feces...i guess thats why im upset..
i guess because ive been obessessed about this for days...i guess its because no one has even mentioned on the news about the vietnamese people..on the other side of new orleans..that are still under water...that are still needing to be rescued..but the rescue teams cant get them...because when they strike out to get them...they find all these other people that are half dead and dying...so they have to pick them up...and take them to safer places...just think...folks are still in this water...ive been to lousisana..i grew up right next door..i know there are swamps...i know there are alligators...animals...dont you think if you dont die from dehydration you will die because an animal came through and ate you up??...and no one shows or talks about that on tv...what the fuck is really going on?
yeah yeah yeah...im in cincinnati ohio..i have electric...yeah gas is high but we have it..i know im not down there..i can only rant and rave about it...but you know what...my thoughts are these...
if it can happen in new orleans...a great city known allll around the damn world...for its jazz...its mulitculturalism...its great food...its soul..its mardi gras..its partying...if it can happen in a "happening" place..in a place full of life...i know damn well it can happen here in cincinnati..if that ohio river flooded...what would the government do...no no...im not talking about the floods of the past...im talking about if something radical like what happened in new orleans happened up here..what would happen..our governor is under investigation for some crazy shit...our mayor is a patsy...so if something radical happened like that up here...what do you think would happen...i think thats were my anger comes from...my fear...
oh damn i forgot...its rich white folks here...they would be here in a damn millisecond...bush would be on the first plane to survey the damn damage here...i forgot this is a fucking RED STATE...shit a RED CITY!!!
"the scene of the gulfcoast pulls the racial scab right off of this country"...(i heard CHRIS MATTHEWS SAY that on tv this morning) fuck that...there hasnt been in damn healing in this country...you want me to tell you why??
because of shit like this...all you see on tv...is black folks...majority poor and old...and the government dont give a fuck about us..because they think we dont vote...we dont buy enough...we dont care about politics...well im here to tell you...I DO......and i care about my people...i wish there was something more i could do...because at this point i sound like an idiotic christian..."lets pray about it"...but let me tell you...
praying about this one..wont be enough...you have to give...you have to DO!
i got an email from my second mom last night..in the email it read...."faith without works is dead"...
so along with my prayer went some money...money i knew i couldnt really afford to give...but you know what...faith without works it dead to god...to me...so there was no question on giving it...
if im on my blog talking shit about the american government i must be willing to do something...even if its alittle...
damn...damn...damn...my people down there..my family down there....they dying...show that shit on tv....show it all...so you uppity folks will stop asking dumb ass questions......
"well why are they shooting?...why would you loot?"
do you really have to ask that question...here is a test...dont feed your child...dont flush your toilet...dont bathe...eat a piece on a peanut butter sandwich and drink a liter of water for 4 days..no better yet...that one sandwich goes to you and your family...of ummm lets say 3 kids...and lets see what the fuck you do...
im looting every damn store...stealing clothes..stealing pampers for my son..milk....and then when the fucking police come...im throwing it down...putting my hands up and saying..."put me in jail!"..because you know they have food..the police have gas...
yeah thats what the fuck im doing...
ask me why folks are shooting..because they want to be first..they are tired of living at the convention center with little to no damn water and food...and no one to soothe their fears.....they want out..they want to be first...oh hell yeah..im pushing the line...im pushing folks out of my way...so me and my son can get the fuck outta there...
so okay now be a dumb ass and ask why are they looting and shooting..yeah there is your damn answer..
yeah i know the saying "a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch"...but do they really??
FUCK NO...you throw away the bad ones and keep the good ones...shit sometimes you even cut the bad part off the bad apples...so whats the problem when it comes to human beings...fuck those thugs up who are robbing and raping..fuck them up...if you listened to the mayor at all..he said he thinks its drug addicts...you know trying to get a fix...trying to take the edge off..thats why they are robbing the hospital...wouldnt you if you were a drug addict...
damn im sooo pissed!!!
ps...see i got through this whole thing without one word about our great president...there is no words to describe what i think of him at this point...he is the president of this said great country and he sits back for 4/5 days watching folks die like you and me have done on tv...and does nothing...wow...what happened...did he get the "real video" or something...did they show him what they havent showed us? did they show him some footage of folks dying...with shit around them...what happened yesterday to make him have that damn press conference..what a great man...what a great fucking man! I applaud him...for showing me that he gives a fuck about the united states people..and especially about black folks...thank you mr president! THANK YOU!
pss..i see i have something in common with one of these fuck ups...the mayor of new orleans speaks...
READ WHAT HE HAS TO SAY!