tonight im feeling lonely...i think my son can feel that im sad...because he keeps coming over to hug me and or kiss me...its crazy how they know and sense everything....i love him sooo much...and just as i say that he starts whinning lol...

i think im feeling lonely because im thinking too much tonight...just about my past...i just feel like i need some love tonight...someone to just lay in bed with...and do absolutely nothing with...or read a good book...or listen to some good music...

when i think about the past...i always seem to get sad...because i dont have what i had...the joy of coming home to see someone you love...or waiting at home til they come...the joy of listening to them just babble about nothing at all..the joy of cooking (and i hate to cook) for them...and watching for the "this is nasty" look to come on their face...i just miss the joys i used to have in my soul...and now it seems like i only get them from someone who doesnt even know his own name hahahaha...my son...thats not to say those are super special joys...its just not what im talking about...

but its okay...im going to finish looking up things on ebay...and get in the bed...

i think my present life is okay...my son is great...he is a real joy to me...but my relationship life makes me sad.....oh well..i was just thinking...

and seems like tonight thinking makes me alittle sad...

by the morning...life will be okay again :) night

hey...i told myself...i should at least write in my blog once a week...i forgot about it yesterday...well lets see...whats been going on in my life...LOL NOTHING!! LOL....i feel really good about life...i heard my son cry momma the other day lol...that was like whoa...i think he was just saying nana...lol..oh well..i hear what i want!! Ive been keeping in contact with my cousin...which is really cool...ive missed talking to her...you know the one...the one that "bear" loves...yeah her...

welllllll...umm...ive been talking to my friend derek more...he is soo sweet to me...just one of the greatest people i know...we are always talking...but seems like lately...we have been really getting to the root of things...i help him...he helps me...he was telling me about his girl blowing up because one of his "girl" friends called their place...i had to be honest with him...ive done the same thing...i cant stand when women do that...lol...im jealous though lol...

man im in such a great mood...eventhough its soo dark outside...im making the best of it...

dad picks up kpp today...so i have alittle 'me' time...which some days i love...so i can sleep...but other days...man i miss him sooo much...oh well...everyone says i will love this 'me' time oh well...i cant wait...

and yeah i was looking at him last night...once he threw his bottle and shuffled around and got settled and went to sleep....wow this is my son...this big boy...grew inside me for months..and now look at him...i remember when he was just a thought...i love him sooo much...i cant wait to see him in a year...two years...even 10 years from now...its such a joy to escort him along his life's path right now...i love it...

so derek wanted me to say what happened between his girl and him...he said the post made him sound like a pimp...well here goes...

his friend (which is a girl) called his new place...see derek moved to a new city dc...with his "new wonderful beautiful girlfriend"...she is cute lol...but anyway...he has moved to the same city...they now live together...well see derek...i guess didnt feel the need to tell the world...that he would be moving in with his new wonderful beautiful girlfriend...

soooooo....his friend called their new place...ooooooohhh....of course the friend didnt know he now lives with his new wonderful beautiful girlfriend...so of course...he talked...while the girlfriend was like "what the fuuuuuukkk??!!"...and of couuuurse...men never seem to think anything is a big deal...well to women that is a huuuge deal..to have another woman call her house...to speak to HER MAN!!....CRAAAZYY...

well the new and beautiful and wonderful girlfriend went off....and i think with good intentions...so that was that...

what would you have done??
i wouldve went completely crazy lol...!! well not completely...but i wouldve let my boyfriend know thats not cool..and to let all your HOES know not to call OUUUURRR NEW WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL PLAAACE!!


OKAY DEREK...IS THAT GOOD??

man somedays i want things that i know i cant have..or cant help.....and seems like tonight is one of those nights...i want to be able to help but i really cant...i have to help from a distance..and its very hard...i have to step back and let things happen and let things work themselves out...but man...it pains me...but you know what...i have to learn to live with what has been provided to me by my creator and except the great things he has given me...and just let gooooo!!!! im going to lay down...man im soo tired tonight...

Figuratively, i imagine myself married to the man that i am unfortunately but hopelessly in love with..he i think...consumes 50% of my daydreams and 100% of my nightdreams lol..i didn't realize how much i think and talk about 'him' until the other day...i thought to myself...damn everybody that knows me knows of him..i didn't realize that he was such a big part of my life that i, apparently, wear like my favorite night shirt...the problem is he isnt real....the first time we meet i was sooo in love with him...i would do anything for him...shit i did anything for him...moved to be with him...loved him with no regrets..then all of a sudden all the love and all the passion had to end because of family...then the second time we meet...he needed things i couldnt give..he needed space..when i wanted to be right there...he didnt need me yet i needed him sooo bad...he needed to know that he was a tree so tall and strong...but i dont think he needed me to say that to him...he wanted others to understand it and feel it...but i continued to say it and i think he continued to hate me for it...life kept slapping him in the face..and i didnt understand...shit i couldnt understand...we were different...from different backgrounds...different families...just different....then the third time we meet...the person became something different...super loving... super caring...this time the tables were turned...the person would do anything for me....but because im soo stubborn..i wouldnt allow it...i wouldnt allow this person to love me unconditional...mainly because of what i thought others would say...so maybe this time..just maybe this time...if im given the chance to meet him again...maybe it will work...maybe it will be what i need at the time i need it...man i love you soo much...but where are you?? i cant wait to meet you again....hopefully in a dark alley so we can get our freak on lol...jk...thats my nonsex having self talking lol...but hey if i never meet you again i'm working on accepting it and disciplining myself so that I can love somebody else with at least half the energy I to love him with... it's just not that easy though...all of my activities illicit a thought of him somehow....sometimes there is a reason for it, sometimes there isn't....sometimes i just want him in the bed with me reading a good book...sometimes i just want him kissing that little place on my neck that i cant stand for someone to kiss because i love that feeling too much it makes me crazy...and sometimes i just want him on a sunday afternoon watching the steelers beat up whomever the next victim is...its crazy...one day it wont be soo crazy...i will just be glad when the outcome is here already....when the day comes that i can fast forward out of this twilight zone to the end of the movie already. What does the future hold for me? for my kpp? for the missing person who will complete my triangle to form "my family"..i hope to find the person someday...ive made up in my mind i wont run anymore...i will be steal and steadfast...and open to meeting someone good...someone good for me and the baby boy....i have to let love come...i have to let it be...because in the end i wanna just be...ummm what?? happy...loved...secure...cherished...

oh yeah my cousin she is soo precious to me...we kinda sorta grew up together...and i love her as if she were my little sister...im sooo happy for her!! she seems to be happy...she seems to have found a guy that loves her just for the person she is...and i really want to meet this ummm "jack"...bear is what she said they call him...awww i love her soo much...i should probably send her a link to my page so she can see how much i love her lol...but she was just telling me she'd read somewhere that she should marry for stability...i think i should marry someone because they love me...i think i give others stability...i told her i would be the kinda women who went to work while my husband stayed home lol..and everyone but ME would have something bad to say about it...i just always feel like i need too much...too much to ask for...so i never do...and then on the other hand...i feel like when i find a person i can ask for things...i go overboard...who knows when it will all end...who knows when that one and only person will come around...to love me just how i need to be loved...and when things go bad or sad...i stick it out...i find myself always running...and im done...i wont run anymore...i will stick it out...but then again if i keep running..maybe ill run into 'you'...and you will knock me right off my feet...or then again...if i keep running...ill run right pass 'you' so lol who knows...

i think im getting back into this blog thing....i really like it...i just kinda found myself not blogging becuase i was doing other things...well...november has come and gone..im now 28!! lol..my bday was the 7th of nov....right now i am in the process of reevaluating and restructuring my life and goals..i had taken myself off my high priority list, thus the depression...i think when i do that i loose myself..BUT I HAVE PUT MYSELF BACK ON IT!!..and i must say it feels good...i looked in the mirror this morning at my face...wondering wow...everyone says i look so young..but man i dont look anything like i did last year...i look more mature i think...more adult...resently, i have just been growing and developing just as my son grows up...i have seen my self evolve and revolve into a better woman because of it...its crazy ...it is kind of funny....everytime i go into a period of deep thought and introspection, i have a jones to create...usually trying to cook some meal or something...its crazy..the more i think the more i want to cook...lol thats probably why i cant loose that kpp weight lol!!! awwwwwhhhh!!!

i was listening to this song that de la soul put out a while back...and i was just thiking damn...i should feel this way but man i dont....recently i have been feeling very self conscious image wise...i am still carrying around baby fat and it is starting to make me feel really crazy...ive never been a small girl...but my belly has never looked like this either...i know it takes time for it to come off, but my baby is almost 10 months old on this monday....sometimes i praise my body like am the venus of willendorf because of the miraculous experiences it has carried me through...but on the other hand, i feel that beauty has escaped me...i know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and motherhood is one of the most beautiful things that can happen to a woman...i guess i will just keep shining in my beauty and see my baby fat as baby phat...

im counting down to the very last minute!!! im beginning to hate everything again...i just really need a short vacation...so this weekend im taking one...going about 2 hours away for alittle r&r and catching up with old friends...who i consider family...so this should be really fun...the baby can play and have a good time..going from one lap to another...crawling and partying....man i cant wait...

i havent seen them in soo long...seems like a year but i saw them in may...wow the boy is 8 months 9 in a two weeks...time is flying by....

it seems like i have a good day at work mentally..and then when i get home everything goes down hill...i just need some time away and some time alone...tonight the boy is going with dad..i will be able to take a long bath...wash my hair...and get everything ready....man if you think im talking about this trip alot...i am lol because im sooo ready to get out of dodge!!!!

...i feel better...i got the new jill scott cd...nice verry verry verry nice...i love her...some really good songs that makes me think about my past and my present...just how everything you do comes back to you...and that karma is real...and in relationships we all have to remember that we should treat the other person how we truely want to be treated...because usually the next relationship it will defintely come back to you!!!! im living proof lol...

well my weekend was okay...

friday...
after i left work i was soo tired and sick...i went home and took me a loooong nap...then got up sick as a freaking dog and went to olive garden...it was soo funny because im sitting at the table wishing i was laying in bed...wishing my nose would just turn itself off...but i went home and took some medicine and went to bed..the son was soo good...he just went to sleep..its like he knows when i dont feel good...because at those times he is the best son eeeverrr!!!

saturday...
i told myself to GET UP...i have to go to work today...i came in...did what i had to do and then got ready to go....
finally kpp got to see uncle dusty and brandon....so that was cool...
finally went home and chilled out...

sunday...
nothing nothing nothing at all...watched the bengals loose...of course...watch the steelers wiiin...so that was really cool...and deon sanders...ummm i didnt see him on the ravens team lol...opps..the son went with dad to watch the bengals...i had to put some orange on him lol...he was ready...i need to buy him a team jersey...so he is a good fan lol...

okay today...im bored...work has become really boring...i dont have much work to do...so i just sit here and look on myebay...blogger...listen to music...find new artist...listen to this jill scott...and this kayne west...when i first heard it...i didnt like it too much...but now im listening today...and its kinda cool...cant hate on him anymore....

maaaaaannn i dont feel well at all...yesterday it was kpp now its me...i just want to crawl back in bed and go to sleep...but of course i cant...had to get up this morning and earn a living...so needless to say im here at work...

i hope this weekend is semi-restful...i have to work tomorrow...for a couple of hours...but other than that i have nothing to do...hopefully i can fight this cold and win...and get some much needed rest...

okay back to work...

oh yyyeeeppppppeeee the vicepresident is in town...im sooo excited...YEAH RIGHT..all it does it cause a huge traffic jam...for what? for him to lie about what he and the president want to do for the next four years...wooooowww...lies lies lies....i cant stand it...it makes me soo sick...lol wow...i went off...oh well...im not voting for them...if it was a monkey running against gwb i would vote for the monkey...shit it is a monkey running lol and guess who im voting for lol....

KERRY....THE MONKEY...HE IS A CLASS ACT AS WELL..THEY ALL LIE...BUT HEY IM VOTING FOR THE LESSER OF THE TWO EVILS!!! RICH BASTARD!!!

we arent feeling well today...it was the rain yesterday...waiting for the bus we got rained on...i felt really bad when i dropped him off at the daycare today...he started to cry...when i got halfway to work i thought about going back to get him...i hate it when he doesnt feel well..yeah he keeps me up but i dont mind...he is a good boy and i just always want him to be happy and feeling 100%...the ladies on the job said i 'over' love him...but what does that mean really...he is my flesh and blood and i want the very very very best for him...and i loove to look at his little smiling face lol....check him out...i cant wait to pick him up from school today...i hope he is feeling better...



ps he looks really cute today in his blue overalls with his little stripped izod lacoste...EBAYMOMMIE :)...

see i have this home computer problem...I FORGOT MY PASSWORD!!!! I CANT STAND IT...i cant access MYYYY INTERNET...so i have to do other things when i get home...like do laundry lol...wash dishes...be a good mommie lol..you know play with kpp and crawl around on the floor til he gets tired of me...you know mommie/domestic stuff...unless i go to the park or hang with friends...well today...i have nothing to do...and a closet full of mine and kpps laundry...so huummmm?? what should i do lol...i think ill do the laundry and work on his scrapbook at the same time...maybe he will allow me to do that....if not...at least we'll have clean clothes tomorrow :)

well another day without my computer...my luuvely luuvely computer...i cant stand it...

something was wrong with the blogger today...but this was my entry at 830am this morning....

Its raining outside and im just getting to work...sometimes i luuve the rain..and last night was one of those times...i woke up a couple of times and just listened to the rain and the felt the breeze from the window...it was nice...as kpp lay in his bed i was just trying to figure out what ill do with my life...how will i make a great life for him...he makes me sooo happy and i just want to do the same for him...do the best i know how to make a good life for him...he is such a good boy...

Today is friday...im kinda happy i get a three day weekend that i know will fly by...taking the baby to see my family this weekend...hopefully that will be a good time...

:)

WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE SOO MUCH DRAMA?? PLLEEASE LET ME KNOW....DAMN I CANT STAND IT...

so im talking to a freind today on the phone...and i was given the chance to ask her anything i wanted...well i couldnt come up with a question....well i have plenty of questions...but she does this pause thing...and i hate it...it always seems like she is lying about something...maybe its just me...or maybe she is lying...whoooooooo knooows...

she says me...but you know what...ITS NOT!!! SHE IS CRAZY!!! LOL

mmmaaaaannn i love this kiiid!!! i remember when i said i cant wait til he is crawling..well he is crawling now...he is such a delightful kid...even when he is screaming he is sweet lol...only words a mother could say....i love him sooo much...he is the best thing that has happened to my life in a looooooonnng timmmeee!!! i love him dearly...

i was asked by a co-worker, Natalie, could i have more children...i donno...im not married right now...so i wouldnt have anymore at this point...but then i donno...would i have more if i were married...i still cant say...i love him more than life itself...he is this amazing person who i lavish alll of my love on...yeah i guess i could have more..once he was too big for hugs lol...or too big for my loving...or do i have enough love in me to love another child just the same as i love him...i donno...something to really think about...wow...

Well I have this thing...it can be a good thing some days and a bad thing other days...but i never know how it will be...well today the thing seems okay...i think i should go to the doctor for this thing...maybe get more medicine for the thing..hopefully the medicine will make it clear up....this thing i have is a craaaazy thing...i dont know what to about my little thing...i just need someone to help me with my thing...but if i tell someone about this thing...they will look at the thing...smell the thing...love the thing...maybe even want a bit of the thing...so hopefully if i show someone they wont make me feel weird about the thing....man this thing i have...its making me crazy...but man gotta love the thing... :)