so im sitting at my computer looking at pictures i took of kpp earlier this morning...and there is a *knock* at my door...

me: who is it?
end: me
me: who?
end: me

i get up and go to the door...look through the peephole

me: what?
end: let me in please
me: nope
end: let me in
me: nope...why would you come over here and not call first..
end: because i knew you wouldnt have let me in..
me: im still not letting you in
end: open the door...
me: call first please
end: okay

my home phone rings lol....

me: hello?
end: hi

we talk...talk for about 30 minutes with "end" sitting outside my door...well on the stairs..."end" finally leaves...this fool parked around the corner in hopes that when i heard the knock on my door that i wouldnt get up to look out the window to see the familiar car...didnt work...well "end" finally gets in the car and goes home...without me opening my door..

sorry but im not doing this again..sorry but im sticking to my guns...i want healthy relationships...doesnt matter if im friends, family, or lovers with a person i want it to be healthy....and when i see that any relationship im not in isnt healthy...im leaving..im not running...im walking away...(well not family lol cause u cant leave them lol)

so "end" talks...and talks and talks...then i talk and talk and talk...(until my mouth is dry) until my phone dies...

but to sum it all up...we will be "just friends"...you can call me whenever you want...i will be there for you..but honestly thats it on my part...im not going to try and build anything with you...im not...if that sounds mean...IM SORRY!...i told "end" this and im serious....

"end" however said that "MORE" is what is wanted from me..."end" said that the awakening period has now began..and now everything is more clear...well im happy...im happy that "end" is in this part of life..BUT...

i dont want to begin to build something with someone i have to baby...baby emotionally...you know...walk on eggshells because you are afraid you will hurt their feelings because of something you may say...or because of how i am.....im getting older and more mature...and i just want an easy relationship...friends or the other....and in my current friendships...its easy... ie...corey..."e"..."c" and eric.....they are all easy....but in love relationships it hasnt been so easy....only one relationship was it every really easy...but now...i want easy....yeah yeah i know there will be some ups and downs...but not all the time...i wont accept anything less...

so needless to say...me and "end" are "friends"....

and im cool with that...so now what?? lol...

oh my god! i found an old friend...

we used to hang out in pasadena every summer...she was truly my best friend during those summers...and i had this really weird dream about her...us all grown up...

so i emailed my aunts and uncles and anyone who would remember her...well my aunt emailed me back with the spelling of her last name...that was the big thing...i didnt know how to spell her last name correctly...well my aunt sent me her last name...i put it in google.com...and came up with a bunch of nothing...then it corrected her name and looooooow and behoooold! there is the name!...well the website had alll these pictures but when i scrolled down to where her name was...NO PICTURE!!!..oh yes i was sooo pissed...well i just took a long shot...and emailed this person...not knowing if it was her or not...i did this on wednesday...well last night i got an email from her...I STILL CANT BELIEVE IT!!!

im truly excited...she gave me her phone number and i cant wait til its an approiate time on the west coast so i can call!! im geeked lol!!!!

i love the internet...no one can hide lol...
that shit is really scary...

oh yeah...i put her name is ZabaSearch.com man no oooooone can hide!!!

yeah cuz kpp is great...he has a condition called "cryptorchidism" look it up lol...he will be fine...he will have to have outpatient surgery..but the doctor seems to think everything will be fine...and ive been reading about this condition for about a month now...so im pretty confident things will work out... :)))))

well tonight i had dinner with my friend "c" and we just talked about "end".... i told her the
WHOLE story...and her jaw dropped..lol..

so i asked her was i wrong? and she like everyone else (well ive only told 2 other people)...that if you say something...you should be respected...and this is how i feel...i dont want sex......yes sex is nice...its great..the greatest thing two people can share...(especially those who love each other)...BUT...i know what sex does to me...to me......and i want to make good rational decisions and not ones based solely on sex and how it feels...or for that matter doesnt feel lol...

so like i said from day one...i dont want sex...i want more...and from day one..."end" has thought thats how you get next to me...wtf?...touching and rubbing and hugging...i mean do i send that vibe off?? hell naw lol..first off im mean lol....oh well...hey like i told "c" tonight...im done...i really dont want to be done with it all...but what other real choice do i have...

i want a simple mature love...not someone always hawking me...trying to feel me up...yeah desire is good...like i said in an earlier post...but not lust...i hate when someone is lusting after me...its not a good feeling...yeah i looove hearing...wow you look pretty...but not someone who grabs my ass aimlessly...or tries to touch the boobies lol...just not right! lol

was i mean? was i wrong? did i handle it all wrong? i cant say if i know for sure.....i let some people push and push until i just blow up...and i think yesterday was the day...yesterday was the day i had enough...

i asked a simple question..."what do you want?" and "end" told me just that...BUT...i want to WAIT on sex...i want it to be right...i want it to be filled with love not lust...so we DO AND DONT want the same things...so why even waste the next person's time...why? i try not to waste peoples time...

oh well...and to think i bought a really nice outfit lol ive been waiting to wear...id planned this whole little event...and if you know me...im horrible at picking anything...but oh well...thats why i hate suprises...because something always happens...

i want to call...but i wont...i want to text...but i wont...i want to just be quiet and watch a movie...but i will do it alone tonight...

damn i dont want alot...i never have wanted much from anyone...but i guess asking someone to wait and respect how i feel is too much...

next lifetime it is...and naw i dont wish i was a nun.....lol thats for the birds lol!!

and the funny part about it all is...i didnt run...i told myself the next "thing" i was in i wouldnt run...(im a runner..well seems like i used to be..) but this time...i didnt run...i was pushed away...

i feel okay about it all...i truly do...i feel okay...alittle sad but okay...kpp and i will continue the life we had a month ago..and try not to think about it as much...

damn i wanted to wear that outfit lol...oh well!!!

well seems like maybe an 20 minutes after i posted last night "e" called me..

wtf??!! so i tell her what happened...and her reply was...

e: "im coming over!"
me: no im cool
e: noooo im coming over.
me: no im cool!
e: im getting in the car!
me: damnit im cool..im cleaning up!...dont come...i sooo dont feel like being mean to you!

15 minutes later
e: *knock knock*
me: (please god dont let this be "end" im sooo NOT IN THE MOOD!... so i text..."u?"...."end" texts me back "me what?")...okay so its not "end"
e: screaming from the hall! let me in!
me: nooooo lol im fine...(i go let her in)
e: 10 kisses...
me: 10 kisses...
we laugh as usual lol
e: i love you
me: i love you too
e: you know ill kill a bitch about you.
me: yeah.
e: tell mama what happened!
me:(tears start to flow...outta no where!!!...you know when you are in the company of someone you love who didnt do "it" you cry...so i cried!)


hahahahaahaha i hate her!!!! why is she here lol...so we talked for about 2 hours!...about everything thats going on with "end" and not going on with "end"...about my slight hysteria with kpps appointment today...all that talking lol i ended up falling asleep...and was awakened by her talking to me...i think she thought i was awake lol...but of course i can go to sleep at the drop of a dime...so we continue to talk...talk about everything...she is my "eric" but just in a woman's body lol...damn you!!..

we said if he werent married by 40 we would move to hawaii! and be fat beach babes together lololol...i believe she would really want me to do that lol...

i looooove her! i mean i really love her!... she is always there for me exactly when i need her...she is one of those people i have to give space...she is a "butterfly" so i cant be too clingy...but it seems like she knows when im hurting and comes running...i loooove her!!! this is my ode to you! can you be my new best friend?

well anywho...i went to kpps appointment today......and when we get there "e" is sitting right in the waiting area...i was happy to see a smiling face...she asked soo many questions last night i guess to get all the information...lol she is sneaky like that...i was happy because dad couldnt go and i knew i would be alittle razzled if they said something i wasnt ready to hear....

insert---last night dad tells me he wouldnt be able to go to the appointment with us today...its soo crazy...tears started to fall...it wasnt like a cry...but tears fell...i was really disappointment but i know he is really trying to get another job..but i donno...i just wanted...needed him to be there with me...for our son...i hate going through things concerning him alone...but man it was sooo weird...i wiped the tears away...and like that! they were gone...and i told dad it was okay..and i truly meant it was okay..usually i say it but dont really mean it...but man last night i did....man im growing lol...hahaha-----end insert


well she was sitting right there smiling..."ms sneaky"....i filled out all the necessary paper work...and we had the appointment..had lunch well brunch and came back to my place to watch the movie we picked up...(from the library of course..one day i will have to blog about how much culture im getting from the library!)....and chilled....she left..kpp and i took a nap...and here i am lol...

my place is clean...my room is now Feng shui'd everything is organized..and i feel good...thank you....

well....whatever you want to call it...whatever it was that i was doing with "end" whatever the relationship was...friends dating...whatever...well hell....it has now ENDED..for good this time......i honestly dont understand it...one day im having a good time...talking about life and how i live mine and how they live theirs..then the next day i feel like im a piece of meat..shit for days in a row..its all about sex!...i hate it...i dont understand people...how they let sex drive them...i cant say i dont looooove making love to a person...but i dont like the idea of being treated like an object....like they are only around to see how far i will go...how far they can push me...(i cant be pushed very far when my mind is made up...and my mind is made up)

"end" will probably say thats not what it is..that they dont "just" want sex....but in all honesty...thats how i feel...like im only a pretty face (lol well lol who said i was pretty lol) but seriously...i just feel like everything is always sexual...like some booty is all they want...i dont understand people...i dont understand men or women...and when im verbal with people they either get upset or go into a state of denial...so today when i told "end" how i felt....seems the face was covered in "DENIAL!"...hey but its cool...i just know not to let it get this far with someone again if im feeling this way...

i guess i had this second chance for a reason...to see if this was the right relationship for me...and i see now..with noooo regrets..thats it truly is NOT...i used to feel like once you fell in love with someone thats all you needed...once you shared something special with someone (NOT SEX) thats all you needed...well damn...i was wrong...because "love isnt all you need"...i need to be respected for what i want and dont want...and liked when its all said and done...

i hate feeling like someone is just around me for kissing and hugging (lol i sound like an old maid) but its true...i want a deeper relationship..built on respect and tender love and care...what i care about..what they care about...the things i like..the things they like...not someone always trying to aimlessly get in my pants...

and you guys already know...IM NOT ON IT!...

yeah again "end" might say "thats not how i feel.." but im forced to think about a statement my mom used to always make to us...

"I CAN SHOW YOU BETTER THAN I CAN TELL YOU!"....and "end" showed me that im nothing more than what i thought...

damn when i think about how "end" is always talking about previously dating relationships...
"yeah i wanted to wait..take it slow with her...not mess things up....i wanted to wait for her...i wanted it to be special"....and then when it comes to me..."i want to do it"...what the fuck!! am i not worthy enough for you to "wait" for? do you not see me as special? what the fuck!!!!! i cant stand it! again i can hear "end" saying....NOOOO NOOOO THATS NOT HOW I FEEL...well thats what you show me...yeah desire is a great thing when you are dating someone...but is that all you want?? i mean i think desire is like number 2 on the list lol...but damn when someone is telling you what they want...you shouldnt respect that??!!

damn i hate people...i really do...i guess i wont be happy until someone treats me the way i want to be treated..desires me yet understands and respects my boundaries....damn its just the way i SHOULD BE TREATED...

adios (means goodbye in spanish) lol i always tell kpp the meanings of words lol....

but adios "end"....nice life...

and you know...it really hurts because i was just beginning to open up again...oh well...

see ya next lifetime...and if i do...i hope im a nun! so sex isnt even a thought...

ps...so corey is right! when you tell people up front what the deal is with you and having sex in a relationship....they will either disrespect you..or leave...oh well...i would rather be left alone...adios...

i was chatting online with my son's father tonight...telling him about one of the "great new things" my son did tonight...

well my son has a thing with knocking on doors...all you have to say is "who is it?!" and he will find a door to knock on...well tonight as i was getting him dressed for bed...i said "who is it?!"...lol...because i was getting him dressed all he had was himself...so he "knocked" on his leg...found that it made a noise...so i said "who is it?" again..he knocks on "himself" lol...its was sooooo hilariously funny (you probably had to be there) but i had to share it with "dad"....so of course...he thought it was funny too...you know its our son...so everything he does is either GREAT or FUNNY! LOL...

well while we were having the conversation...dad says....well this was the convo...

Luuvely: i was playing with kpp and i said "who is it?"
Luuvely: and he didnt have anything to knock on lol..so he knocked on his leg lol
Luuvely: hahahahaha he is soooo hilarious
dad: lol
dad: hes so happy
Luuvely: so then i kept saying who is it...and he started tapping on my leg
Luuvely: yeah he is lol
dad: thats such a great thing
dad: who would have thought wed have a happy child
(being that both of us are soo emotional!....i show mine...dad keeps his bottled up...but we are both emotional)
Luuvely: hahahaa right lol
Luuvely: i think its god's irony
dad: right
Luuvely: he has showed me that life isnt so unhappy
dad: i know
dad: me too
Luuvely: i mean seriously since kpp came along ive tried living a simple life...not soo many emotions
dad: i just love him
Luuvely: yeah he is soooooooooooooooooooooo great! lol
dad: i know

man..i love my son soo freaking much!!! he is the greatest thing to me....but man he has taught me how to live...not be soo freaking emotional...yeah im still emotional but not as much as i used to be...he has taught me to be happy...how to be happy..how to just love me...and the life GOD has given me...

like my friend said today..."this is the my life...the one ive been given..."

and ive been living mine like that...this life that GOD has given me hasnt been what i expected years ago...but man when i think about it...i think its been better....i have kpp out of it all....out of all the ups and downs and drama came...THE GREAT KPP!!!

a new pic for you guys...he was eating dinner so he was happy...(with a dirty face lol)

hey my new moto is lol..."i gotta love me!"....so here is my new favorite picture lol..dont call it conceit...call it loving me...

so i love me!! whats the big deal....lol



this was taken on wednesday "end's" bday...i had a good day :)

OOOOOKK!!! i just talked about this person we will call them "end" lol....well well well...lately me and end have been spending alittle time together and you know what?...i like it...

i enjoy our time together no matter how short or looooong it is lol....the time together kinda reminds me of the past...and somedays i just want all new...some days i want things in my life to be totally different...then again...i wish i could go back...but oh well you cant change the past or even travel back to the future so ill live in the present...shit i have no other choice...

i keep thinking about kpp...how he will react...how he will react to "end" what he will say about "end" (well when he can talk....) but oh well i have time...

well i digress...i like "end" and i enjoy our time together...and i think my new motto is...

"dont think too much..."

okay i asked "END" a question....

me: should you be jealous if you see an ex's new friend? whats wrong with you?
end: you are probably still in love with them.
me: really?
end: yes!
me: man because whenever i see something about them i get jealous or mad.
end: because you still love them..is it like "if you arent with me you cant be with anyone?"
me: i donno...im crazy...

so okay. yes im alittle jealous!...but am i still in love? NO...damn i dont know...i cant even say if i am or not....its crazy...i want to get over this...i want to forget about it all...but man seems like it haunts me somedays...especially when i think about it...or even see a glimps of the past...ooooh i cant stand that lol...

so minxx?? am i jealous?? or just uuummm? jealous??

i donno...i need to get over it all!!!!

wow...i havent been writing in a while...i guess because i havent had much to say...havent had much going on...been really tired....havent been getting much sleep...i keep having the same basic dream.....and its kinda scary...so ive been staying up most nights...ive always been a scary person lol...like i hate living alone...it has taken me a looooong time to get "used" to this apartment...the only good thing about the building is the fact that i know but dont really know the people...like if something happened they would help me out...but i cant say i know much about them or their families....

but anyway...overall during the day lol things are good...my son is great...he is walking allllll over the place now!!! i enjoy him sooo much...he IS the best thing ever lol....of course i have pictures lol....






and then its this thing he does with his puppy...the story behind the puppy is.....



i bought the puppy when i was pregnant...i knew i would have kpp sleep in the same bed as me when he was first born soooo...i bought the puppy to "practice" lol...well the first night the puppy slept with me...i woke up the next morning and the puppy was on the floor behind the bed hahahaa!! i was sooo heartbroken...saying "im going ot be the worst mother ever!!" well needless to say...a baby and a stuffed puppy are tooooottally different lol...but anyway...when my son was born i gave him the puppy...and he has slept with this thing since day one....its soo crazy...if that puppy is not around when he is trying to go to sleep he is really cranky...and its really funny (i guess you have to be there lol) if i show him the puppy he instantly sticks his fingers in his mouth and lays down...so thus the pics of him and the puppy...

okay im babblin now...so im going to fix some breakfast and chill out...

oh yeah...still no job lol...im loooooving it!!! (mcdonalds!)

ps...its my brothers birthday today..i havent seen him in over a year...i hope all is well...

can i really say happy anniversary?? i guess i can....its my blog huh?....i was just thinking about love and love lost tonight...when you loose someone sooo close to you..what do you do..someone that you loooooved sooooo damn much...can you ever "get over it"?.....do you ever "get over it"??....i donno...i truly dont think you do...not when that person meant sooo much to you and to the people around you...

and i guess thinking about that makes me think about all the people who ive moved away from....all the people i loooove soo much...i guess your lives seemed to take different paths...you stop talking on daily basis...and when you do talk...you dont really know whats going on with them...and they could care less about whats going on with you....you just grown apart...well this seems to be my situation...me and my friends and family have sooo much going on with us on a daily basis...raising kids...taking care of other family..having a career..that you really never sit down and talk...never really "catch up"...and i guess when i think about it...i dont know much about them...or at least what they do now...its really kinda sad...is it my fault?? should i call more?? ask more questions?? if i do that...people always think im trying to be "nosy" or asking for some other reason...(blackmail lol)...but in all honesty im just trying to "catch up"...just trying to see whats going on with them...

my friend..my bestest person ever...we've seemed to have lost contact...we talk online maybe 2 or even 3 times a week..but the conversations are never deep...never anything worth talking about...really...just light conversations...i miss the past...i guess i think about the past too much...but some nights i want our old conversations back...i know i know...it will never happen...i pray some nights that it does...i pray that we get close again..that we spend hours on the net or phone just talking like we used to....but then on other nights i pray that my heart heals faster...that my heart doesnt long for our "old conversations"...long for what we thought we had.......

oh well..i guess it was never truly meant to be...because if it was...i wouldnt be talking about this right now....i guess loved didnt capture them the way it captured me...its crazy to think some days though...they may say they still love me...but man....some nights i just dont feel it...but i guess its time to move on...HUh?...i guess...

love is such a strong word...and i just wish and pray that one day we can at least be friends...the kind of friends that share lots of things...not those little things that you share with everyone..but things that make you the person that you are....

i guess im feeling a little sad tonight...its an anniversary that i hate.....but its one that doesnt make me "as" sad as it has in the past...life will go on..shit it has moved on...with or without me being on board.....but i guess...i will be a better person for the love...the love i received....

and im constantly thanking GOD for kpp (my son!)...he is the best thing in my life...and im just happy that i can see his little face tonight...that he makes me smile...when i cant look within to do it for myself...GOD has truly given me a gift that im soo grateful for...and i just thank HIM...thank HIM for my little twin...i can watch him grow...something i could never do...

thank you GOD!... :)

hey...the weather is soooo great!!! i love it!! i mean its sooo beautiful outside!!! but (there is always a but).....i have some sinus pressure going on...i have nooo idea where this comes from...i think it is because of my dress code...like one day i have on a sweater the next day i dont...and i probably should...well...i guess ill have to take it in stride until my body is used to the up and down weather...but hey...lookey lookey...new pics of the boy...

i took this picture friday...i dont think i posted..if i did i didnt put the pic up...but man i love this little smile...when he greets me at the sitters..he smiles this little smile...or in the morning when he has awaken on his own (he hates when i wake him up!)...he smiles this little smile...he is always smiling this little cute smile...i loooove this freaking kid!!!


he wore this hat on saturday! everyone looooved it...lol...its soo funny and nice to see how different people react to kpp...he is such a big flirt...when women would say..awww he is soo cute...he would look at me...then at them and smile lol...like i guess to get my approval...or to say mom...i still love you..but i have to smile at my fan club lol..he is such a mess...



and then today...we went out walking and did alittle shopping...and i looked at him while we were having dinner...and was in awww...he is getting sooo big now...and i feel soo happy with him...i used to feel sad to know that he was getting older...but now...its nice...we have our own special way of communicating...he smiles at me...kisses me without me even asking for kisses...hugs...laughs...ooh i love his little laugh...he even throws little fits...and i have to let him know that mommie doesnt like it...and its kinda funny how he knows im "dead serious" lol...and its even more funny that he only says mommie when he wants me to pick him up lol...he is soo sweet...just a good natured and good tempered kid...(unless he wants to watch his movie lol)...but i enjoy him...and i hope he knows it.....these two pics are of us today...lol look how he is sitting...lol..i had to get this...he is soo hilarious...almost like he is posing for something..i guess he knew i would snap a picture if he did something out of the ordinary lol...




night...mommie isnt feeling too well tonight...sinus!

okay question?? should i go??

a friend asked me to come to their birthday party...turning 30..so its a big deal...buuuut...i donno...

well see the friend has invited people i would loooooove to meet!! lol but on the other hand they have invited folks i wouldnt want to be in the same room with...

okay you say...go!...its the 30th birthday party of your good friend!...ITS THEIR DAY!...

but then on the other hand...i hate feeling uncomfortable...folks looking at me lol...(well okay not all the time...but i hate when chicks are staring because of some weird reason...)...

okay..then again...who says the world revolves around me?? lolololol!!! (i think it does)...these people will be at this party to have a good time...to share in a great occasion! lol...

so okay...should i go??

ok to give you alittle background on this person....we once had a weird relationship...wasnt the kind of relationship most have...but it was weird to me...we would go places and do things..but you would never know we were "dating"....i didnt really get too close to the family because...well you know how that all turns out..okay so now this is my dilemma...ex's will be there...and because evvvverrrryooonee knows about me and this friend...they know that this friend loves me...like is actively in love with me...so okay...with that said...ex's will be there (or did i already say that lol)....will these people be looking at me? or will they just be having fun! lol...man i wish i didnt think the world revolved around me but then again...MY WORLD...revolves around me...

okay whatever...should i go??

that jones i got...man...i cant hold out any longer...its driving me crazy...

two friends (guys) have already told me to pursue it...but i dont know if i can...the rejection part...damn...

i should let it go really...its old news...its in the past...but i cant let it go...

what if i just said...

"i love you..can we be together??"

what do you think would happen?? what do you think they would say??...what if i saw them i just kissed them???...what would happen??....man ive miss the touch??.....i mean reeeeally missed the touch!...

its none like it..its kinda weird...because this touch is different...its special...and i think thats why i cant get this out of my mind..

all this time!!!! and i stil have a jones...what the fuck!!!!

i hate my life some days...

why cant they just knock on my door say exactly what i want to hear.....but they havent...

so now im sitting here typing on this blog...wondering...if i go there with them...would they say "yes..."

(yes to just me...)