well....whatever you want to call it...whatever it was that i was doing with "end" whatever the relationship was...friends dating...whatever...well hell....it has now ENDED..for good this time......i honestly dont understand it...one day im having a good time...talking about life and how i live mine and how they live theirs..then the next day i feel like im a piece of meat..shit for days in a row..its all about sex!...i hate it...i dont understand people...how they let sex drive them...i cant say i dont looooove making love to a person...but i dont like the idea of being treated like an object....like they are only around to see how far i will go...how far they can push me...(i cant be pushed very far when my mind is made up...and my mind is made up)
"end" will probably say thats not what it is..that they dont "just" want sex....but in all honesty...thats how i feel...like im only a pretty face (lol well lol who said i was pretty lol) but seriously...i just feel like everything is always sexual...like some booty is all they want...i dont understand people...i dont understand men or women...and when im verbal with people they either get upset or go into a state of denial...so today when i told "end" how i felt....seems the face was covered in "DENIAL!"...hey but its cool...i just know not to let it get this far with someone again if im feeling this way...
i guess i had this second chance for a reason...to see if this was the right relationship for me...and i see now..with noooo regrets..thats it truly is NOT...i used to feel like once you fell in love with someone thats all you needed...once you shared something special with someone (NOT SEX) thats all you needed...well damn...i was wrong...because "love isnt all you need"...i need to be respected for what i want and dont want...and liked when its all said and done...
i hate feeling like someone is just around me for kissing and hugging (lol i sound like an old maid) but its true...i want a deeper relationship..built on respect and tender love and care...what i care about..what they care about...the things i like..the things they like...not someone always trying to aimlessly get in my pants...
and you guys already know...IM NOT ON IT!...
yeah again "end" might say "thats not how i feel.." but im forced to think about a statement my mom used to always make to us...
"I CAN SHOW YOU BETTER THAN I CAN TELL YOU!"....and "end" showed me that im nothing more than what i thought...
damn when i think about how "end" is always talking about previously dating relationships...
"yeah i wanted to wait..take it slow with her...not mess things up....i wanted to wait for her...i wanted it to be special"....and then when it comes to me..."i want to do it"...what the fuck!! am i not worthy enough for you to "wait" for? do you not see me as special? what the fuck!!!!! i cant stand it! again i can hear "end" saying....NOOOO NOOOO THATS NOT HOW I FEEL...well thats what you show me...yeah desire is a great thing when you are dating someone...but is that all you want?? i mean i think desire is like number 2 on the list lol...but damn when someone is telling you what they want...you shouldnt respect that??!!
damn i hate people...i really do...i guess i wont be happy until someone treats me the way i want to be treated..desires me yet understands and respects my boundaries....damn its just the way i SHOULD BE TREATED...
adios (means goodbye in spanish) lol i always tell kpp the meanings of words lol....
but adios "end"....nice life...
and you know...it really hurts because i was just beginning to open up again...oh well...
see ya next lifetime...and if i do...i hope im a nun! so sex isnt even a thought...
ps...so corey is right! when you tell people up front what the deal is with you and having sex in a relationship....they will either disrespect you..or leave...oh well...i would rather be left alone...adios...
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