dinner and talking...

well tonight i had dinner with my friend "c" and we just talked about "end".... i told her the
WHOLE story...and her jaw dropped..lol..

so i asked her was i wrong? and she like everyone else (well ive only told 2 other people)...that if you say something...you should be respected...and this is how i feel...i dont want sex......yes sex is nice...its great..the greatest thing two people can share...(especially those who love each other)...BUT...i know what sex does to me...to me......and i want to make good rational decisions and not ones based solely on sex and how it feels...or for that matter doesnt feel lol...

so like i said from day one...i dont want sex...i want more...and from day one..."end" has thought thats how you get next to me...wtf?...touching and rubbing and hugging...i mean do i send that vibe off?? hell naw lol..first off im mean lol....oh well...hey like i told "c" tonight...im done...i really dont want to be done with it all...but what other real choice do i have...

i want a simple mature love...not someone always hawking me...trying to feel me up...yeah desire is good...like i said in an earlier post...but not lust...i hate when someone is lusting after me...its not a good feeling...yeah i looove hearing...wow you look pretty...but not someone who grabs my ass aimlessly...or tries to touch the boobies lol...just not right! lol

was i mean? was i wrong? did i handle it all wrong? i cant say if i know for sure.....i let some people push and push until i just blow up...and i think yesterday was the day...yesterday was the day i had enough...

i asked a simple question..."what do you want?" and "end" told me just that...BUT...i want to WAIT on sex...i want it to be right...i want it to be filled with love not lust...so we DO AND DONT want the same things...so why even waste the next person's time...why? i try not to waste peoples time...

oh well...and to think i bought a really nice outfit lol ive been waiting to wear...id planned this whole little event...and if you know me...im horrible at picking anything...but oh well...thats why i hate suprises...because something always happens...

i want to call...but i wont...i want to text...but i wont...i want to just be quiet and watch a movie...but i will do it alone tonight...

damn i dont want alot...i never have wanted much from anyone...but i guess asking someone to wait and respect how i feel is too much...

next lifetime it is...and naw i dont wish i was a nun.....lol thats for the birds lol!!

and the funny part about it all is...i didnt run...i told myself the next "thing" i was in i wouldnt run...(im a runner..well seems like i used to be..) but this time...i didnt run...i was pushed away...

i feel okay about it all...i truly do...i feel okay...alittle sad but okay...kpp and i will continue the life we had a month ago..and try not to think about it as much...

damn i wanted to wear that outfit lol...oh well!!!