man..i thought i would be done..."organizing" by now...its almost 10pm lol...im sooo tired...i think the night before last staying up all freaking night really took its toll on me...so my plan was to take kpp to school and then sleep all day lol...

well the maintance men foiled that plan!!! they were here for 4 hours!!! fixing a damn ceiling fan!!!!BUUUTTT...im not that upset..becauuuuseee...ITS BRAND NEW!!...even matches my furniture...the wood that is...so i let it slide!....

so after they left...i still couldnt sleep...so i watched my movie..."my big fat greek wedding"...aww it was soo cute...its amazing..ME...the movie buff had never seen that movie...well it was really cute...made me think about my own life!!

im a mess!!! seriously!! the other night has really taken its toll on me...i guess it was the not sleeping and the too much thinking!! damn!! what am i going to do with this new found knowledge??...what will be my next move?? who the heck knows...

if you are alittle confused on what im talking about it...you should be...because i havent really said anything!!....i think too much..i need to just move sometimes...act on feelings..and be like nike...and "just do it"....if i feel like calling...i should call!!....say i miss you...say i love you...say what i really feel...instead of holding back...but man i hate rejection!!! and damn should i really dread up my past??...HELL NAW......(thats what my mind says)...but my heart says (yeeeesss pleeeeeeease doo!!!!)

night...

WTF!!...im sooo sleepy!

oh yeah and I GOT MY FURNITURE! IM HYPE!

oh yeah...the indy chick called me...i told her i was a bad friend up front..so there is no suprises lol...so when i dont call lol dont be mad...or when you call me and i dont pick up lol dont hate me...lol...im just not good at talking on the phone about mundain stuff...unless "i" feel like it lol..damn im mean...but she told me about the spoken word thing...it sounds cool...im hyped to go...its next tuesday...i still have no idea where though...downtown someplace...she says she will call with more details...lol...i think she is doing this so i keep calling....cause i told her i love new stuff...she says she has a sister who is a scorpio....she said "so i know how to deal with yall"....hahaha...i asked her if that meant holding the info as hostage...and she openly and honestly said "yep" lol...i see we will be friends for a while...or at least until she has no more intresting information for me lol...

you remember that post..the day i asked...did i do that?? about opening up the can of worms??...well i think i love the can of worms...i think that opening up a can of worms is okay with me...because when i think about it...i love the worms....i want the worms in my life!...always have..but just was afraid...scared of what would happen...i want them...

well not the worms..but the person who's can of worms i speak of...

damn...i got a jones............bad....

and the crazy thing is...ive known for sometime...but just didnt want to face facts...didnt want to even go there...didnt want to mess things up for them....

but i guess just facing the fact...is good enough...i dont have to go any further...it would be wrong for me to anyway...i should step back and let them live...and move on...

the least i could do is call and just tell them "i love you ;)".....but damn that would be even worse...

let it go luuve....let it go!

so i ended up texting my old friend at like 140am...she answered alittle while ago...awww i miss her soo much :).........

i was reading my friends blog tonight...well i still consider her a friend (in my heart) but thats a whole other story...but i was reading and man i wish we were close again...i miss her....she kinda seems out of sorts...im kinda contemplating on calling her...when i was reading her blog it made me want to protect her...she just seemed to be going through alot...i donno...would that be a bad move? i donno...but i was the one who broke off the relationship...and then after the friendship was over...i think maybe i called or texted...and at that point...i said talking probably wouldnt be a good idea...or maybe she said it...but who knows...it was kinda sorta said...but i donno..should i just forget about all that and just call her...i hope she is doing okay.....and i did something i probably shouldnt have done...i let her know i was reading her blog lol...i made a comment on it...she will probably hate me for it..or even delete it...but oh well..if i got to her page and see its been deleted i wont call her...who knows...maybe i should...i find it refreshing to hear from old people....lol...or am i just saying that because i want to talk to her lol...who knows...im a weirdo... i think it would be kinda weird to talk to her...i do miss her...however...she would probably hang up in my face...should i?? or shouldnt i?? i still know her number lol...nooooooooooooooooooo leave it alone....or no?....dont leave it alone?? i wonder is she mad with me? who knows...i wonder on top of everything thats going on with her...would she even want to hear from me after all this time...?? man this is a weird blog...i shouldnt be bloggin about it...but i guess i should...just to get it out of my system...oh well...ill sleep on it...or ill call her at 2am lol...and wake her up...im always up at that hour anyway...ok im going to bed...night :)

okay man i just lost all my other blog...so now i have to start over...man...

okay...here are the after shots of kpps haircut lol...yeah when you see it...you will join me in saying..."what the fuck? lol" hahahaha..

he was sleepy but was good enough to let me get a pic lol..


and yeah this one too lol...


so okay...here is the good before and after shot lol...


hahaha yeah again the same thing i said...NO PONYTAIL!...(i know dad is happy now lol)


but i was thinking if there is no more ponytail i could do something with this...maybe give him a little john legend style or something..

who knows...but mom will figure it out...

oh yeah..here is his last pic with the ponytail!! lol

and if you are reading this thinking damn she is conceited with her son...i dont call it conceit...i call it happy..proud...loving lol....


oooh yeah yeah yeah..i loved the play!!!...i love those kids!!!

my son got his hair cut! but i'll have to wait to take a picture of him later....dad didnt take the pics while it was going on...and maaaannn...with all that was happening i forgot to get some hair...you know the little cuttings...awwww i feel awful...well...there will be more haircuts...but man...thats something you are suppose to keep and cherish..and i was suppose to put it in his little book...maybe ill just cut alittle piece of hair when he gets home...lol...

and man...its easter and man he (kpp) is gone...and man im sooo bored...i think im getting depressed...seems like every year around easter i get depressed...for good reason (that i dont want to get into because then ill get all these pitty emails lol)...but this year seems to be alittle weird...im alittle scared to let kpp out of my site...but he has to go with dad today...i thought about having him spending the day with me...but that wouldnt have been fair....dad wouldve thought i was mean or way too overprotective...or thought i was a bitch or something....but i always want our times with kpp to be fair..and i always want him to know his dads family....and keeping him tucked under me wont help this fear....so needless to say..HE IS GONE!...and im alittle sad...when they dropped me off at home... i got out of the truck thinking maybe i should say something...but i didnt...i just let them have their time together...i wont regret it....i know dad loves the baby boy...and will protect him and keep him from harm or danger...but i just cant help but be alittle sad and afraid....(ill have plenty to talk about this monday on the couch lol)...but then again when i think about it....wow...i did pretty good...i only cried for like 2 minutes lol on the way up the stairs...and then i only texted dad once to let him know to keep the baby safe...and then i tried to do something else...BLOG...to keep my mind off of it...and maybe ill call some friends to hang or something...or maybe ill go get in bed...lol...i had the worse sleep last night...because of these two dreams i had...(ill blog about that later on) lol...but yeah naps are always good!....yeah i think thats my new moto for today...(haha lol my motos are always changing!)....okay NO!..i wont sleep...im going to clean alittle and call some friends to hang out...yeah thats what ill do! lol...see just had to think it through.....wow...im suuuch a dork!

oh yeah...

happy easter!!

okay its hair cut day and i took some pics so i can see a before and after of my son...i really dont want this haircut...but dad is hell bent on it...says he is sick of people calling kpp a girl...but whatever...okay im going...and hopefully he will be a tropper like he was when i combed his hair out...if not..."oh no" lol...okay...

here are two BEFORE pics lol..




and hopefully ill have an after later on....

okay yeah i get it now...love is hard....im talking to a friend tonight...and she just keeps saying how much she is in love with her ex..."yes! i know...love is hard" i said....but she starts to cry....and asks me how did i "get over it"...and i go on to tell her...."you never really get over it...you just try and move on...especially when you love someone deep".....so she goes on to say..."well you dont act like you are hurting..." i proceed in telling her that i try not to wear my emotions on my sleeve anymore...and that moving on and getting new friends or doing new things always helps me...

well crying crying crying...thats all i hear on the phone!....she is soooo sad...and now she will be sooo depressed!....and now all she will do is eat!...she just keeps saying the same things over and over and over again...how much she loved her and how much she is in love with her...and how much how much...damn how much all the stuff lovers say after the relationship is over....

i kinda feel sorry for her...i know how it feels to loose love...even if you are the one who said you wanted to break it off...its sad really...especially when you dont really know why....

so she keeps crying and asking me when would be a good time to date again...i said when the time is right you will know....and she proceeds in asking me when is the right time for me...and im like...."ITS NOT!"...and when i think about it..it hasnt been...every person that ive dated since "the break up"...has been well....stupid lol....with a capitol S!....3 dates lol and both ended really stupid! well have to say 2 dates..because the one guy...he cant be counted...i didnt like him from the get go but only went out with him because the "couch doctor" said i should go out and "get over it".....so right...it wasnt the "right time" for me....eventhough i didnt listen to my heart...and told myself the best way to get over love is to get on with my life...i told her love is weird...and your heart will tell you when the time is right....

man i think about zodiacs lol waaaaay too much...taurus! gemini! those bastards! hahahahaah!!!...i cant really say that though.......yeah yeah yeah...i love them both...but man...

taurus...tooo freaking slooooowww!! you know..probably singing that song they heard on the radio last night...or thinking about what they will have for lunch today...or the million arrands they should run but will never get around to even getting started.......so i say....."will you pleease come on!"....eventhough secretly i looove the fact that they dance to a simple beat...that they move at their own pace.. (just not when im in a hurry lol)....and man a taurus can turn me into a house wife lol...all they have to do is ask...got me cooking and cleaning lol and acting like an old married couple before i can blink my eyes....(secretly i love that too...the special love they give)...just dont like the boredom that comes with it! yeah if a taurus could master keeping me entertained...we could be together forever lol..or is it really their job to keep me entertained ..because i loooove cooking chicken wings...and besides ive created a new receipe lolol...hahaha...thats funny!)...but yeah..they are great lovers...slow and easy...you see how the slow can be a good thing lol....great kissers...and just great partners....the lines of communication are never busy lol...the are always all ears...but i donno...i think its me...when it comes to the taurus...i always say something too mean...or something too silly...or just too something when they are involved....who knows...

and geminis.....that godforsaken gemini...lol...only if they would communicate...lol...well i know that wont happen...but i guess if i could let go...let them be the social butterfly that they were born to be...we could have a good relationship...because seems like even my friend geminis and i are great friends...always talking...they always keep me entertained....alllwaaays...because they are always moving from one task to the next....so im constantly happy tagging along with them lol...but just the "relationship" part...not great communicators...and oooh dont cry...they cant stand to see you cry!....too many emotions that they would rather leave running than to see ...oh they will come back...they will come back with a giant stuffed animal...awww how sweet..that they picked up from the quicki mart...or buy you the finest things...and you already know im a sucker for anything digital...new aged...computerized.. and or technilogical.....so damn they got me right there...and they know how to keep me hanging on.....to every last wooord lol....but damn...i can never keep their attention long enough...well can anyone really?......because im usually talking about things they love to talk about...not knowing that they now love something totally different...and im talking about "old stuff" lol...you know the project they quite never finished and kinda forgot about...and im still asking them "how is that coming"...not knowing that they have moved on to a bigger and better idea....so now...when i ask about the old and new project...im being mean....they take it personal...deep down they are just like scorps...they take everything personal...and now they think im trying to say "why dont you ever finish anything" but in reality im just saying..."how is the project coming!" because im truley intrested...because thats what a gemini does to me...they keep me intrested...sooo damn intrested that i forget about my own life lol...im soo intrested in them...that i forgot that my girlfriend called...or my boss wants me to do something at work...because my thoughts are always consumed with them...and whatever the next thing they got going lol...

you know the funny thing?...ive learned all these things after being with these zodiacs lol...

with the gemini it was easy to figure out...because like i said we are better friends...and when i let go of the looooooooooooove thing...i understood what happened in our relationship....so i knew what to do when we were just "dating" lol..thats funny....

and the taurus...well i never know what really happened with the taurus...its like we loooooove each other sooo much and soo hard..and then something just happens...some kinda a voodoo magic or something...probably something the gemini put on me lol....but its always something in the way....something...me...them...something...

man i need a new zodiac...lol...ive tried these two lol...i need something different...or do i??...seems like i know these two well...why not just stick with them??!! lol...

man one day its soo nice outside and i dress accordingly and before i can get home to put a bigger coat on...ITS FREEZING...well needless to say...thats why im sick...having those walks in the morning after dropping kpp off with insufficient clothing on has gotten me a bad case of the sniffles...and seems like ive passed them on to kpp...poor baby..

well tomorrow is the big day...he gets his hair trimmed..im alittle scared of how he will look lol...honestly i dont want it cut...but dad gets angry when people call kpp a little girl...lol...kinda cute to me lol...after i correct them...they always end up saying...."wow he is the most adorable "boy" ive seen" lol...its like boys cant be so adorable but girls can be...society's twisted game lol....but yeah tomorrow is the big day...along with easter/resurrection sunday...i donno if its a sin if i say...i hate the "new" name that christians have given easter...its like all of a sudden people realized that CHRIST was resurrected...so now all of a sudden they want it to be called resurrection sunday...oh well...probably baptist folks came up with that lol...(as you can tell i used to be bapist) lol..

wow...i always feel like im writing for the simpsons when i write my blogs...you know how the simpsons come on...talking about one thing...maybe lisa in a school play...and before you know it...marge is a gogo dancer lol...and at the very end...bart is the president....lol....i always start off talking about one thing and get on something totally different...but it usually only happens when i dont have much to say....like today lol...

well im going to take a nap...me and kpp are both doped up...he has been sleep for an hour now...i guess if i get in bed with him...he will sleep longer...

oh yeah..and congrats to corey...he got a job...pretty cool...had to move all the way to coshocton to get it lol...but thats a whole other story...

well shoot i dont have anything to do..why not tell it...

this corey...we have been friends for ummm a looong time...lets see..since 1999? 2000 maybe...i think...wow...when i think about it thats a pretty long time...well we meet and we didnt see each again...because over that summer alot was going ...and just life in general...and its kinda crazy.....if you ever hear me talk about him...its almost like i see him everyday...but truth is it just seems like it...after i moved to cincy...i think he gave up ever seeing each other again...and i just kinda lived my life as it was handed to me...not really taking a chance on going to see him...well now he is back in ohio!...he is my confidant...and he knows waaaayyy tooooo much about me...about folks ive dated...about folks ive loved...just waaay too much lol...oh yeah well...he is back in ohio and im contiplating on going to see him...he has dreads now...he says he looks totally different..but i cant imagaine..but yeah im going to go and see him...he doesnt know it yet...but me and the boy will get in the car and ride out to see him...yeah he is uncle to a nephew he is never even seen in person...but so is my brother...well naw my brother saw him but for only about 20 minutes...you know the visit im talking about...the ones with the cops all around waiting for someone to act crazy lol....kpp will be at least 2 maybe 3 when he sees him out...well okay back to corey...yeah ive made up my mind that we will go and see him...lol now all i have to do is tell him lol...

yeah another "simpons blog"

ps...the one hip hop indy chick called me yesterday..we talked for a little bit sick voice and all..she kept saying i sounded like barry white lol....well she is coming to cincy next weekend for some poetry slam...suprised i hadnt heard about it..you know i pride myself on being in the know lol.......i love hiphop heads!....so we will have to hang and be artsy hiphop heads together lol...you know id do just about anything to hear some good floetry! ...shoot maybe ill read some of my own...if i can enter that is..she said she would call me with more details.....if i enter...ill put up more info about it...maybe ill have some fans in the audience lol..or am i dreaming alittle too hard...

oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...

pss...

i got it... playhavoc's most recent cd...i got it from hiphopunderground.com...but you can go to their site...and check them out...
www.playhavoc.net my bestest bestest bestest person in the worlds' group!!!.....some ultimate "real hiphop!"



oh yeah...took soo freaking long to finish writing this because kpp woke up..i guess he could feel i was about to take a picture...freaking ham! lol

I stretch my arms towards the sky like blades of tall grass,
The sun beat between my shoulders like carnaval drums.
I sat still and hoped it would help my wings grow
So then I could really be fly.
And then she arrived.
Like daybreak inside a railway tunnel,
like the new moon,
like a diamond in the mines,
like high noon to a junker,
Sudden...
She made my heart beat in the now, now time signature,
her skin a canvas for ultra violet brush strokes.
She was the sun's painting,
she was a deep cogniac color,
her eyes fall for that lights along the new city,
her lips purst as if her breath was too sweet and full for her mouth to hold.
I said:
"You are the beautifull distress of mathmatics,"
I said:
"For you, I will peal open the clouds like new fruit,
and give you lightning and thunder as a dowry,
I will make the sky shed all of it's stars like rain,
and I will clast the constellations across your waste,
and i will make the heavens your keep.
And they will be pleased to cover you,
they will be pleased to cover you,
May i please... cover you...

...please...

i love mosdef!

its always weird to read things from my past...i was reading some letters last night that my ex wrote to me...and they were sooo sweet...then i looked in my bedside table and read these cards that i received when i was down in mississippi last summer...it was soo nice to come home to some sweet cards...awwww..

well i was just thinking how life is just weird..and in its weirdness i sit back and not say much or say waaaay tooooo much lol..

so this morning i woke up about 4 or so...i was about to get up but decided i would write in my journal...instead of writing i turned back the pages to last spring...i was soo overjoyed with my son...(still am)...how he was growning and getting sooo big...and how i'd meet this new friend...lol...its sooo funny...how i talked about the friend...i'd always heard that people enter your life for a purpose and or season..but never really understood why her....but when i read back...i see why now...i understand why now...its crazy that when i look back on our relationship...the very first thing i can remember is "finding nemo" hahahaha...thats funny...and its sooo silly because kpp looooves that movie...he was in my stomach when i received it for a birthday gift...and now he walks around like a little man...but anyway...its just funny..how with the seasons our friendship evolved and changed...

and its soooo super ironic that after getting out of bed to read her blog this morning...i find that she was reading mine...even more weird...but man when i read her blog im soo happy for her...i mean seriously happy for her...i always think of jill scott's song when i think of her...but im happy that she has found love...and happy that she seems to be really happy...love is sooo wonderful...love is the best part of life to me...not just the lovers love...but love in general...its sooo refreshing to know that your family and friends love you...and its even more refreshing to know that someone special cares and loves you even more...and as i read her page...i see how much she is beginning to love again...and it makes me happy....but you know...its even more crazy and weird how she talks about me in her page "her situation" hahahaa....only a taurus would call me "a situation" hahah lol....shit only she would call me a "situation" lol...at first i thought it to be belittling but as i read...it was to make light of us....its silly kinda...but i guess its what she must do.....i was just reading and it seems like im the bad taste in her mouth...and its kinda sad but nothing i can really say or do about it...ill continue to be "the situation"...and i hope that her new found happiness is just that...happy...its soo weird to read about her life...how strong she is...and when i think back...i cant remember her being that strong..but i like it..its nice to read.....its weird how i always catch people at the wrong time in their life (ie when they have broken up with someone lol)...and when i say something to them..they get upset and or tense...but maybe its for a reason...maybe when i enter people's lives its for a purpose as well...who knows.....life is weird...i think that should be my new moto...

here is to one of the most daring...exciting...amorous...introspective...relationships ive had in a very very long time :)....love you always.... :)

ps...i hope this one...this one is better...more loving...more caring...and just more...just more everything...everything you've ever wanted...you deserve it!!!!... ;)

ooooh my god...how long have i been talking about this concert?....man man man man man man man man man!!! I LOVE JILL SCOTT! man...she is awesome!

....man its not that great of a picture because it was dark...but my sisters phone did a pretty good job...

well well..the concert...it was sooo great...she is a wonderful singer...which i already knew..but she...man she makes her music surround you...made me feel all warm...it was really nice...

and the interpretations of her songs..."love rain"...man i had it allllll wrong!!!
it was soo great how she sang it...and added on to it...how she made hand gestures...i totally get it now...i was sitting there "alone" (im soo happy i went alone now! i just felt soo empowered...like it was just me and jill lol but really i felt good...because)....and tears started to fall when she sang "love rain"....i get it now...that song is soo my life...but man...she just sang and sang and sang and sang and sang...i was soo happy lol...smiling and laughing..and just happy...

i saw alot of chicks i meet in this yahoo club in indy..."iss"...they were really nice at the club meeting...but sunday they were even more nice....it was funny because this one chick i always thought she was pretty and nice...lol walked right up to me and said..."i know you!"...and im like "yep i know you too :)!" the sad part though...i couldnt remember her name but i would know her face anywhere lol....and after talking for about 15 minutes with her looking over my shoulder...i said..."im alone" lol...i knew she was looking to see if i had a date..you know women lol...and she laughed and said..."me too!"..and then asked why was i alone...blah blah blah...and i was honest and told her because the people i wanted to go with...didnt want to go with me lol....she said the same thing lol...but said she was having a good time inspite of....it was funny...but i was suprised she was alone....and i guess she was suprised i was alone as well....come to find out...she was sitting right below me...and it was cool because after the crowd got hype around the final songs...we were able to sit by each other.......it was cool...cool to have someone to laugh with at the end....but anywho..chick is nice and we have alot in common come to find out lol....we exchanged phone numbers..and maybe she will be my indy friend lol..when my mother is getting on my nerves to the 100th degree...i can go and visit her lol.....she said the next time im in indy to call her...i told her i probably wont be back to indy for a looooooooooong time...seeing that my mother is sooo on my nerves right now!!! (did i just repeat myself? lol well its because she is...)
i didnt say all that...but just said i wont be back for some time lol.....(but damn thats a entire other story!!! that when thursday comes i will have much to talk about on the "couch"!)

but yeah the concert was sooo nice...i love the song "golden"...i hated it at first because of the number of times she said "living my life like its golden" lol...geeeeeezzz...but man...i love the song now...its kinda like she is beating those words into the heads and hearts of millions...or at least trying to...

oh yeah "love rain"...yeah im listening to the song now..and...man "i love jill!"....and man she is soo pretty and after singing soooooo hard..she gets on the mic and says...in that oooh so cute sooooft voice...."hi" lol...the crowded laughed...the crowd was sooo great...

she sings this song..."he loves me (lyzel in e flat)....well when sang it...she sang it really slow...sang it as if she was singing to her husband...so she sang...

You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me some things to think about
Ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me, you love me, you like me
You incite me to chorus
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh...

well when she said... "you love me"...this guy in the audience screams out singing..."i looooove you!!" hahahah on beat and all...she stopped and laughed...and the crowded clapped...

man i could go on and on and on...but i need to sleep...wow...i love jill...and im happy i went...even if i had to go alone...and maybe i got a new friend out of it....:)...thanks jb lol..punk!

wow...how time flies!!!!....

my best cousin...pey pey......i know she always hated when our aunt called her that lol...maybe not knowing her though lol...but wow...she is 27!...and whenever i think about how old she is...i think damn im a year older...shoooooooooooooot!!! lol...

well...dang...they gave me free...and i stay home...lol....(im secretly calling myself a stay home mom) hahahah..YEAH RIGHT...but i get to spend some quality time with the boy...he will still go to his sitter 3 times a week...because we still have to pay..(so we dont loose the spot) so yeah it sucks...but i think she does a good job with kids...so i want to keep him there...but im kinda struggling with wanting him home too...but i guess two times a week home is cool...and then the 3x there is helping him with his social skills...i dont want him toooo spoiled when he has to go again fulltime...man i love that kid...

well okay...i finally finally finally bought some reeeeallly niiiice furniture...lol...i cant believe i bought it...i really cant...ive been saying for mooonths that i needed some furniture in my place..now that kpp is getting older...some place where we can just sit and chill out...its really nice...a big sectional...when i think about my small place i just hope the furniture doesnt swollow my place up...but i have the perfect way to put everything...and now i can finally have real guest over lol...well not real guest..but people i dont know lol...maybe a party when it all comes...im soo excited..

i guess this time off is really helping me..i feel really relaxed now...not to say my life was sooo stressed..but i just feel relaxed...stressfree...no jobhating...i can just wake up with the baby...and we play and talk...and then get him ready for school or stay in bed....its just nice...i see why folks dont even want to work...damn..im having a good time...i hate even thinking about finding a new job lol...damn

but i decided on days i would take him to daycare...i would walk...well walk more...i walk all the time..but these days would be my "excersise days"...well this morning i did..and man i feel good..i always knew excersise makes you feel good...but damn i always hate to start it...it always makes me feel good afterwards..but just getting ready...is a pain!!!...well...i said the last little stretch to my apt buidling i would run...well i did that too lol...damn i walk pretty fast...always have...so walking is really nothing..but i stepped it up alittle...and then ran the rest of the way to the apt..damn i think the running is what really tired me out...when i get to my apt..i have to climb to the second floor..damn i thought i would pass out lol...i was sooooooo tired...but i see the running is what got my heart rate going...this guy who was standing in the street (maybe some inspector) he was staring at me when i was walking but then lol...i just took off running...not fast because im not jackie joyner...but just ran lol...hahahah it was soo funny...i think he was about to say..."hi"...because he was opening his mouth and raising his hand lol...and just at that moment i started running..and i just waved..his face was soo funny...(probably thought...damn she is a nut)...little does he know i am a nut...but running has nothing to do with it lol...well needless to say...that felt good..now that i caught my breath lol...

okay...im beat...im going to get in bed...well shower first and get in bed...i feel really good..and damn...no job??? lol...thats funny...

ps...for all you people with jobs...im not trying to rub this in your face..lol...oh what the hell..yes i am!!!! (nichole!!!)

heeeey...we got up really early...ran an errand for dad...then we took some pics...as everyone knows...I HATED THE OTHER ONES!!!...but kpp was in suuuch a great mood today...that they turned out really good!! check them out!

so tuesday was my last day...my boss called...and now that i know its my last day...im kinda scared...and hella bored!!! i slept alll damn day today!!!

this suuucks lol...what do people with no job do all day?? im tired of spending money...now what?? eat my self to death lol....spend money...(didnt i just say im sick of spending my money!! damn!!) ive been to the mall more than twice this week...now thats pathetic...tuesday went on a extravaganza! lol shooooes...clothes...baby stuff...then bought those new balance ive been wanting...damn lol....!!! hahaha...then wednesday...chilled...til...that damn dentist didnt pull my teeth..so i was pissed with time to waste til i had to go get kpp...so i spent almost 200 bucks at that damn store!!! but wow i have alot of niiice stuff...clothes!!...then chilled today...but still managed to spend money! ONLINE!!

i should be cleaning and doing laundry but who the hell does that lol...im silly...okay im going to bed..night :)

GIVE US FREE!!!...so today (i think) was my last day..or at least my boss eluded to the fact......i have to go back down and sign some paperwork and do some other things but im praying that today was my last day!!!! im kinda happy! (thats kinda crazy)...but im happy...im ready to start my "new" life lol...or at least a "new" job......well my boss comes to me and says i can leave early! so im sooo happy...that i call my girl and we go shopping!!! lol my disease! lol...i bought the cutest shoes...but everyone that i show the shoes to haaaateeeesss!! them lol...i know eric would loooove them...my gay white boy lover lol...so i guess ill show him the shoes when i see him next!!! when will that be?????

okay...about jilly from philly....im trying to get over maybe not being able to see her...im bidding on some tickets in indy...well one ticket...i just chalked it up and said i would go alone...especially in indy...cause mostly likely i would see someone i knew there....but other than that...i need to chalk it up!! lol...so noooo more talk about jill scott unless tlock goes with me lol....

okay...well..im going to bed...and maaaan! how i long for another one of those beautiful mondays...like we had...man i had such a greeeeat day on monday...yeah i was at work..but man it reminded me of the good old days...of just sitting outside and just doing nothing at all with the person you love...i looooved monday...i was soo happy...kpp was in such a great mood...i cant wait til the spring...those days make me sooo grateful that spring is coming...he will be walking like a champ...so we can go play at the park alll the time...(i will be displaced lol)....CANT WAIT!!!




ps...send up a prayer for me...im getting the remainder of my wisdom teeth pulled...man im not scared of the dentist...but there is always a chance you know 1 in 1000 that you could die or something serious could happen...i know i know i know...but im a realist...and i just dont want anything to happen...because all i can think about is kpp...always...he is my...just my pride and joy...honestly...he is just the best thing that has happened to me in a loooong time!...just soo wonderful!!

so i want to see jill scott in concert...but the person i asked cant go...and i dont want to just go with anyone to see jill scott!!!!...so ummmm...i dont have a date.....sooo......should i go alone? 2 hour drive to indy...or a 4 hour drive to cleveland or detroit! ihavent been to either of those places in a long time...if i go to cleveland or indy i have family and friends i could visit..if i go to detroit i could visit the best friend.....but damn do i really want to see her that bad to go alone?....is it worth it?....or do i stay my black ass at home and listen to her on my cd! lol....

oh well...ill choose i have some time...

ive never had trouble doing things alone..but man to a concert? thats alittle overdoing it right! shit ive never had trouble finding a date if i really wanted one...my my my how shit can change on a sista!!!!! ( sorry for the bad language! )lol

i cant find a date these days because i havent slept with anyone in a while...so to them im like a virgin or something! lol...so they are always thinking about having sex...and im not! well i am but i dont want to waste this "new virginity" ( as a friend called it) on someone who is non-worthy...(only if i wouldve done this in the beginning with the god given virginity! ) lol

oh well who knows..ill figure something out! or ill listen to her cd at home!

i hate people!

just another pic of my favorite person!!! i always love black and whites...

okay...man today...today was one of those days where ummmm..i talked alot....lol..."well yeeeeah" you would say..."why is that different than any other day because girl you can run your mouth!"...well today was one of those days...i talked alot alot to my therapist...

well we talked about past relationships...and then the "one" relationship came up......man...i was sitting there in tears...its funny now because ive tried to put this relationship to bed....but damn it keeps waking up!....im not over it at all!!!..but today....ooohhhh....i donno..im thinking maybe i was in tears because of the questions that were asked..but man...i started crying a freaking river....yeah i know im like the biggest cry baby ever...but man...ok well...this is what happened...

so the therapist asked me about the "one" relationship...just out of the blue...just asked...i couldnt believe it...so i start talking...she calls it the "one" relationship...i have no real idea why she calls it this but i dont correct her....but i just told her that i didnt know what really happened...one day i was really really happy..and the next minute i was really really ready to get out!...they didnt seem happy with life or with me..with all the good things that were happening around them...and i just continued to feel like i couldnt help anymore....i didnt want to hear the complaints the sadness...because of course it always made me soooo sad and depressed.....so i wanted out...i had alot on my plate at the time....so i just wanted out!!....and at that point everything we ever did...either i was upset or they were upset..or we were in some kinda weird mood together...and it was just not cool at the end...now at the beginning...i can truly say...man man man...it was wonderful...just really easy...easy and light conversations...always doing something but nothing really...sitting around..watching tv just nothing you know...having a good time...movies dinner...you know all the stuff you do at the beginning of a relationship...well i can even say in the middle of the relationship...i was still having a good time...i mean really...we never did anything really...you know the normal movie and dinner..riding around..park......but nothing else really...it was just really nice...i loved it!!...i always wanted to be right there...just riding right there...just nice...

well my therapist is talking and telling me what she thinks...i hate when she does this because its crap i already know...and i dont want to hear it lol...but she always says..."well why are you here"...so i just listen lol...she tells me im scared...(i know im scared!)..and she just keeps asking me "what will make you not so scared?"...and im like i donno...i truely dont know...

i think when i feel like i could care less about what my family thinks of someone...because of course they have something to say about evvvverrrrryyyyyyyyooonee!!!! and i cant stand it...either the way the person looks...or how they didnt say this or that..or how they didnt do this or that..or just something lol...but i guess thats every family....

well i mean.....i donno what the problem was with the "one" relationship...i was scared...scared to really try...because i didnt know what would happen...if i tried too hard would i be rejected..and if i didnt try at all would they hate me in the end...who the hell knows...i wanted to move away...but i didnt know how they would respond in another city...if they would even go with me...i think i just kinda gave up...alot was goin on in my life...and i just wanted my independence back...my little inside happiness back...because along the way everything got kinda "the same"...everyday the same thing...and i just wanted different...just alittle different...and i didnt have it...because i was afraid to just say what i really felt..scared to say it because i thought they would be upset..or hurt...but finally when i did say it..they were upset and hurt....and i felt really bad...

my therapist keeps telling me that im afraid to give 100 percent anymore...and she is right...because i dont want to be rejected...seems like thats my biggest fear...rejection....no matter how much the person says they wont reject me...or "love me until i dont want their love anymore"..i still always find myself...scared....damn my parents lol....but i donno...im 28 now..i cant blame them for stuff..and i actually dont...i just say that in a jokingly way...but now it just seems like i want this love im not willing to give anymore...i want this kinda love that doesnt come easy anymore...to be honest...i want that kiddy kinda love again.....that kinda love that you just dont think about...you know the kind that you will stay up on the phone til the wee hours in the morning saying..."naw im not sleep.."..lol....but as we get older the more complex love gets...well no...the more complex we get...the more experiences we have...the more feelings we have...the more faces we put on...the more sadness we face...and i think for me...i want that good love..but i dont want all the sadness and fakery (is that a word) that comes with it....im tired of being sad in love...i just want some love that makes me really happy...and evolves with us...as we grow and become different thats how i want the love to be...when we want something different i want my mate to be okay with it...to be okay with just changing up our same old routine and to not get hurt by it...when life changes that is how i want my love to be...i want the actual feeling to same the same...but the actions to be different...to grow to be more mature...i donno...i think the "one" love did make me happy in a secure kinda way......but i was afraid of what else went along with it....................so im sitting here lol....ALONE....im goofy....

night :)

ps...just like this blog...i have no real idea what the hell went on with the "one" relationship...how it started was strange to most people..and how it ended was even more strange because it kinda seemed like i rejected them...but to be honest.....and you know i was more scared that one day they would reject me....because of their family...or because of their friends...or just because "im soo damn mean!"....i just wanted our love to evolve...to be more mature...to be good yet different every now and again...not to get stagnet...yeah i want the feeling to be that "kiddy love always loving love" but i wanted the actions we took with love to be mature...i guess i didnt know how to explain it...i guess i didnt even want to explain it...fear..too scared...but you know....im still in love...and the funny thing is..they probably dont even think about it anymore...but its okay :)