ooooh....

just another pic of my favorite person!!! i always love black and whites...

okay...man today...today was one of those days where ummmm..i talked alot....lol..."well yeeeeah" you would say..."why is that different than any other day because girl you can run your mouth!"...well today was one of those days...i talked alot alot to my therapist...

well we talked about past relationships...and then the "one" relationship came up......man...i was sitting there in tears...its funny now because ive tried to put this relationship to bed....but damn it keeps waking up!....im not over it at all!!!..but today....ooohhhh....i donno..im thinking maybe i was in tears because of the questions that were asked..but man...i started crying a freaking river....yeah i know im like the biggest cry baby ever...but man...ok well...this is what happened...

so the therapist asked me about the "one" relationship...just out of the blue...just asked...i couldnt believe it...so i start talking...she calls it the "one" relationship...i have no real idea why she calls it this but i dont correct her....but i just told her that i didnt know what really happened...one day i was really really happy..and the next minute i was really really ready to get out!...they didnt seem happy with life or with me..with all the good things that were happening around them...and i just continued to feel like i couldnt help anymore....i didnt want to hear the complaints the sadness...because of course it always made me soooo sad and depressed.....so i wanted out...i had alot on my plate at the time....so i just wanted out!!....and at that point everything we ever did...either i was upset or they were upset..or we were in some kinda weird mood together...and it was just not cool at the end...now at the beginning...i can truly say...man man man...it was wonderful...just really easy...easy and light conversations...always doing something but nothing really...sitting around..watching tv just nothing you know...having a good time...movies dinner...you know all the stuff you do at the beginning of a relationship...well i can even say in the middle of the relationship...i was still having a good time...i mean really...we never did anything really...you know the normal movie and dinner..riding around..park......but nothing else really...it was just really nice...i loved it!!...i always wanted to be right there...just riding right there...just nice...

well my therapist is talking and telling me what she thinks...i hate when she does this because its crap i already know...and i dont want to hear it lol...but she always says..."well why are you here"...so i just listen lol...she tells me im scared...(i know im scared!)..and she just keeps asking me "what will make you not so scared?"...and im like i donno...i truely dont know...

i think when i feel like i could care less about what my family thinks of someone...because of course they have something to say about evvvverrrrryyyyyyyyooonee!!!! and i cant stand it...either the way the person looks...or how they didnt say this or that..or how they didnt do this or that..or just something lol...but i guess thats every family....

well i mean.....i donno what the problem was with the "one" relationship...i was scared...scared to really try...because i didnt know what would happen...if i tried too hard would i be rejected..and if i didnt try at all would they hate me in the end...who the hell knows...i wanted to move away...but i didnt know how they would respond in another city...if they would even go with me...i think i just kinda gave up...alot was goin on in my life...and i just wanted my independence back...my little inside happiness back...because along the way everything got kinda "the same"...everyday the same thing...and i just wanted different...just alittle different...and i didnt have it...because i was afraid to just say what i really felt..scared to say it because i thought they would be upset..or hurt...but finally when i did say it..they were upset and hurt....and i felt really bad...

my therapist keeps telling me that im afraid to give 100 percent anymore...and she is right...because i dont want to be rejected...seems like thats my biggest fear...rejection....no matter how much the person says they wont reject me...or "love me until i dont want their love anymore"..i still always find myself...scared....damn my parents lol....but i donno...im 28 now..i cant blame them for stuff..and i actually dont...i just say that in a jokingly way...but now it just seems like i want this love im not willing to give anymore...i want this kinda love that doesnt come easy anymore...to be honest...i want that kiddy kinda love again.....that kinda love that you just dont think about...you know the kind that you will stay up on the phone til the wee hours in the morning saying..."naw im not sleep.."..lol....but as we get older the more complex love gets...well no...the more complex we get...the more experiences we have...the more feelings we have...the more faces we put on...the more sadness we face...and i think for me...i want that good love..but i dont want all the sadness and fakery (is that a word) that comes with it....im tired of being sad in love...i just want some love that makes me really happy...and evolves with us...as we grow and become different thats how i want the love to be...when we want something different i want my mate to be okay with it...to be okay with just changing up our same old routine and to not get hurt by it...when life changes that is how i want my love to be...i want the actual feeling to same the same...but the actions to be different...to grow to be more mature...i donno...i think the "one" love did make me happy in a secure kinda way......but i was afraid of what else went along with it....................so im sitting here lol....ALONE....im goofy....

night :)

ps...just like this blog...i have no real idea what the hell went on with the "one" relationship...how it started was strange to most people..and how it ended was even more strange because it kinda seemed like i rejected them...but to be honest.....and you know i was more scared that one day they would reject me....because of their family...or because of their friends...or just because "im soo damn mean!"....i just wanted our love to evolve...to be more mature...to be good yet different every now and again...not to get stagnet...yeah i want the feeling to be that "kiddy love always loving love" but i wanted the actions we took with love to be mature...i guess i didnt know how to explain it...i guess i didnt even want to explain it...fear..too scared...but you know....im still in love...and the funny thing is..they probably dont even think about it anymore...but its okay :)