wow i cant believe it...im just wondering did they vote for jaime foxx because all the other awards shows have...or did they really like him in "ray"....im going to download it tonight..and watch it tomorrow...i cant wait to see it...

congrats to jaime foxx! ive loved him since his bits on "in living color" as wanda...

and you know i even bought his cd lol...hahahaha...thats my little secret...damn that was like over ten years ago lol i was soo hyped to get it...i was in high school..i can remember because it was around valentines day...and i played it that night because i was mad because my mom wouldnt let me go on a "date" with some fool lol..i wont even say his name lol....(thanks mom!)....but i was in love with jaime foxx! lol...yall dont remember "experiment"!!!! that was my sooong!!!..people are selling that cd on amazon for like 200 bucks!!! thats crazy...its probably still at my grandmas house in my box...ill have to call her tomorrow lol..

damn he has really come full circle.....i guess when you win an oscar and all the awards this year...your cd is worth 200 bucks...

congrats...

22 months and counting.....................!!!

whats the romantic thing someone has ever done for you??

my friend derek asked me this today...

and mine is lol...sounds silly but true....he bought me a banana split...awwww...

soooooo freaking sweet...

i'd told him that i had never had a banana split...so one day...he brought me a banana split...i opened the door...the banana splits were melting..and we just sat on the couch and ate them...awww awww awwww awwwww!!!

well on my way home today...i made a mental list of everything i would get accomplished tonight...like at least wash a load of laundry (damn i hate doing shit like that lol seee just typing it makes me maaad!!! lol) but i said i would do a load of laundry...cook dinner...clean up my living room...hang up this new picture that i bought...and i would NOT get on the net before doing at least 2 of these things...well guess what?? !!!!

i didnt do not one thing on my list...i came home...read alittle of my book...laid in my bed...and went to sleep...i woke up...oh yeah i cooked dinner... chicken...bean pods...rice and some good old cornbread..it was good...the chicken to my suprise was really juicy...so i was really happy...sometimes i over cook it...okay whatever...

but i just cant help myself...i make these lists in my head and come home and sleep on tuesdays and thursdays or come home and get on the net or get in the bed and read a book......... WHY DO I DO THIS!!!???? LOL...its crazy...

i should really stop...so needless to say..i got nothin done...i do feel proud that i cooked dinner..and i havent even turned that idiot box on all day...wow!!! lol...but man...i need to clean lol...but i just dont have the umphf!

saturday i had an early day...we took kpp to the doctor...he is getting big...26lbs!!...then dad had a funeral to go to...the funeral of his baby cousin...so we dropped him off..and we got some pics taken...professionally...lol...WHAT A JOKE...with all the cute and crazy pics kpp takes..i just knew he would be perfect for the professionals lol...YEAH RIGHT...he didnt even pay any attention to that girl hahahaa...it was sooo funny..she couldnt get him to smile for anything...and he was sooo frustrated with me...this is all we could get from him hahaha...its funny..



this was the cutest of all...and i dont even really like it...lol...but it was free...then you have this one...

and then me and him lol...i really dont like that...but i just said...go ahead and take it...he'd had enough so it was the last pic...

so me and dad thinks us taking pics of kpp at home...is the best bet lol..we went to the picturepeople...to have the pics taken...

we did alittle shopping and finally came home...and then my friend came down from columbus..and we had dinner with her and another friend...we had a really good time...they are both sooo funny lol...i laughed just about the entire time...well she bought kpp this little cute outfit....






lol i told her i would take some pics of him modeling it...and of course when i brought out the camera...he started modeling lol...

then ummmm..sunday...went to columbus...shopping...didnt buy a thiiiinnnngg!!! lol...all the way to columbus and we didnt buy a freaking thing hahahaha lol...
kpp started walking!!!! it is soo funny to see him walking!!! hahahahah!!! i love this child sooo much...



but then today...went to the mall...to help my girlfriend pick out something for this party she is going to...and oooh my god!! we stayed in one store for 2 and a half hours!!! hahahahha...WOMEN!!...but man damn...we stayed at that mall til about 8pm tonight lolol....my feet are killing me!! but i had a great day...

and man i went into babygap...and the sales associate was soo smitten by khalil lol..it was soo funny...i mean i get people saying he is cute...but not like this...she was just in love with him...she was west indian..i think maybe mixed with white..but when i told her the story behind me picking the name for khalil...from khalil gibran...and then when dad and i got together to pick the name for kpp...well we had khalil at the top of both our lists...oh my goodness...she was just taken back...she even knew what it mean..."friend of god"...and i looove the way indian people say his name...its sooo wonderful...but she told me i must buy him this book...
THE LITTLE PRINCE......so i just looked on ebay to buy it...she said i just haaave to read it to kpp...so we will get it off ebay..and it will be one of our bedtime stories...i cant wait :)

well im going to bed...ive shopped...well i really didnt buy much...but just being in that mall all dang day has gotten me worn out!!!!

night :)
ps...KPP CAN WALK!!!! HAHAHAHAH!!! HE IS SUCH A GREAT KID!!

i put the baby down for a nap...i was just going to lay with him for a "sec" well we didnt get up til 1020pm! lol....i guess we were both tired....okay well lookey lookey..

it never fails when im taking some pics of him...that he has to "use it"!....hahahahah look at this lol



hahahah he is sooo hilarious...

but on a more serius note...one of dad's little cousins died...and every since he told me...i just think about my own son...and his short but exciting and blessed life...im sooo grateful...im sooo thankful...and i appreciate him soo much...

its soo crazy how i had stopped praying every night before i got pregnant...either fell asleep too quick...or just didnt think about it...not that i didnt think about god or wasnt grateful...just didnt make it my habit or priority....but now...im always giving thanks for what i have...always given thanks for my son...he is suuuuch a blessing in my life...he makes me sooo happy...and im honored to be his mommie :)!!



nite again lol we are going back to bed :)!

i made this invitation for my grandmothers bday party...but i dont like it...i wanted to do something else for the invite...but i didnt have a digital picture of her...so i had to go with something more simple...



and then of course its been alittle while since i put pics of kpp up...so here are some cute black and white upclose pics..

oook...i found this little exercise on Anastasia blog...but she got it from academom...well basically the blog asks..where have you lived...so here is my list....and lived...we mean 3 months or more...

flint, mi (born there)
mendenhall, ms
jackson, ms
d'lo, ms
sanatorium, ms
houston, tx
indianapolis, in
lorain, oh
cincinnati, oh
pasadena, ca

i could combine the dlo, mendenhall and sanatorium all together lol...but it makes my list look long! so ill keep them lol..and besides they are all cities lol....

okay...so last night i had another crazy dream...well not that crazy...but i guess it was really really real....well this time the dream was of my ex boyfriend lol...and of course it was alittle bit of sex involved...but i wont even go into detail about that part...but here goes...

im in the bed sleeping...and he knocks on my door...so i get up and open the door...and look through my peephole...i just stand there...he knocks again..and i continue to just stand there...now if you have ever been to my place...if you are on the other side of the door...you can hear if someone in the apartment has come to the door...mainly because of alllll the creaking wood floors lol...okay...so im just standing at the door...and he finally says..."i hear you in there..." and i start laughing and open the door...

he walks in and (i guess we were together because) i hugged him (i havent hugged him in a looooong time!)...and he kissed me(lol i think its the year and 9 months no sex talking lol but okay)....well he kisses me and i just smile...and say "hi!"...and go back in my room...and sit up in the bed...he comes and sits at the end of the bed...and he starts saying something...(i cant really remember what)...but whatever he said..i started laughing...and the laugh was soo funny...because he started to laugh too...and then i said.."wow...im soo happy!"...he says..."im glad i can bring some joy to your life.." and i just look at him and say.."yes you do"...well after i said that...i get up...and proceed to ummmm (beat the snake hahahaha!)....

well after the whole episode....we are just laying in the bed...and i can remember feeling really safe...(i think this has something to do with my dad...because we talked on the phone last night...and he asked me had i ever felt safe with a boyfriend...and i told him..yep...one...and he told me then thats who you need to be with...well i told him the whooole situation...and he just said..."thats sad...i have my soulmate..i want you to have yours"...and i said..."well if he is my soulmate then he will come back..we will get it together...and if we dont..ill be on montel william's show at 75 and kpp will be trying to hook us up before we both die lol!"....so my dad just laughed and the conversation faded off because he was just sad that im not as happy as i used to sound about love...but its okay i told him...but he doesnt believe me...! okay whatever...thats the whole safe thing)...

so we are laying there...and the doorbell rings?!...( i dont have a doorbell but whatever)...i go to the door...and its evidently the pizza we ordered lol being delivered by the pizza guy....so we are just laying in bed..and watching some corny movie...because we were talking over the movie...so i get this funny feeling in my stomach...and then......i throw up (ahahahahaha yes i threw up!)...(i think this comes form kpp throwing up last night lol but okay)...

so i get in the shower...and its really dark in my bathroom...(i guess he knows this) so he cuts the lights off and all of sudden i feel some hands on me lol...(hey it gets freeeeeekkkkkker lol)....so his hands are on me...and its dark in the shower...no lights on...soo..

awwww...i gotta go home...so ill finish later hahahaha...

okay im an official nerd!!! i knew for a looong time that it would only take one more thing to make me a NERD!....well here goes...I HAVE GLASSES LOL...lol i hate these glasses...and when i move them up and down...its seems to me that my vision is better without them...ill have to call my doctor tomorrow...to ask him why that is...i probably dont even need them...he probably said my vision was bad so he could make a 100 bucks off me...and looooookkkkk!!! they are soooo ugggglllyyy!!! but they were the cheapest ones lol... i guess when you are cheap...you get ugly stuff lol...



and man they add like 5 more years on to my face!!! damn i hate them...yeah yeah yeah...they are only for reading and computer use...but damn...these glasses stink!!!

man last night i had a craaaaazzzy dream...okay here goes

i was outside of my moms job (joke!) waiting for her to get off work...me and kpp were picking her up (joke! cause i hate to drive)...but anywho...i saw my ex friends mom waiting too....so i try not to look at her...in hopes that she wouldnt see me...well of course that shit never works...so she saw me...and waved to me...well i thought she would come over and try to be tough or something...(seems like all the short people i know act soo tough...so i assumed she would do the same lol)....well she came over...looked in the car for kpp...and commented on how big he has gotten...and then we started to talk...about nothing really...then of course...i say..how is my ex friend...and she says...oh she is doing good...and then told me to call her...she gives me the number and i just look at the piece of paper and give it back to her...i proceed to tell her..how me calling her wouldnt be a good idea....well the mom asked me why we arent friends anymore...and wow...the answer i give in my dream...when i think about it...is the real reason...i dont think ive ever told her this reason...well who really cares now...but man...i just simply explain it to her mom...and her mom gets it...said yeah she knows thats her daughter....well somehow in the conversation i started getting upset lol...i cant really remember why...but i just remember my hands moving erratically lol...and saying..."DO YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND...IF NOT ILL SAY IT AGAIN!" HAHAHAH (thats soo not me lol...i would be too scared someone would punch me lol)...but the mom just backed off and said okay she really gets it now...and if i ever needed to talk to call her...she gave me her number on a piece of the same paper...and i again looked at it...and gave it back...again i told her how it wouldnt be a good idea for me to call...because ummmm YOU ARE HER MOTHER LOL....but she just looked at kpp again...said he was a cutie (awww...even in my dreams people think he's a doll!)...and she just got back into her car to wait for whomever she was waiting for...well i got back into this car...and just waited....well well well...now this part is kinda blurry...but this is what happened next...

im sitting in the car...i see my mother coming out...and all of a sudden...someone knocks on my window...i look up and its the ex girlfriend...im like hi...but i dont roll my window down...i just sit there...looking at my mom...praying she would hurry up...(damn thats crazy)...then my mom gets closer and closer...and the ex friend is still standing there...and i say "hi" (in my fake signature voice!) again...she starts to say something...when my mom comes to the door...well my mom has meet her...so my mom says "hi" (in her i know the story voice lol)....once my mom is in the car...i tell her im going to say hi to my friend and talk for a minute for her to watch the baby...she says okay...

well i step out of the car...and we just chit chat...talk about nothing really...and she goes to hug me and i just freeze up...i dont know why i do this but i did...and she looked at me...and asked what was wrong...i just look at her...and say "bye" and get in the car...i pull away...and in my rearview mirror...i see her getting into her moms car...i guess she was the person her mom failed to tell me she was waiting for lol....so me and my mom ride off...with kpp in back....

so my mom looks at me and says...what was that about...and i tell her...like how me and friend used to be friends...and now we arent..and she starts to ask allllll kinds of questions...we talk or a while...going god only knows where...but im driving...and driving and driving...

thats it...the dream was weird...my actions were really weird...and all parties...they all looked weird...her mom had this red hair (i think that comes from going in the grocery store on sunday night and seeing the check out girl with fire red hair lol).....my mom was all dressed up lol (something she used to do all the time...but now says it's a pain to get all made up lol)...kpps hair was cut! (but in the dream everyone just mentioned it but i never saw his hair...i always looked in his eyes not at his hair....i guess that comes from everyone asking me when will i get his hair cut...and my reply being...i donno..in a couple of months...but wow i couldnt see him with short hair lol)....and then my ex friend...she had this long curly hair lol like reallllly pretty hair...like the kind i dream of lol....(where the hell that came from I HAVE NOOO IDEA...maybe from looking at this model on tv last night lol who the hell knows...then my exfriend had on high heels! ummmmm noooo!!! unless she has done a 360 i could never see her in some high heels....but again i think that comes from that model i saw on tv last night lol...then when she went to hug me she smelled like my exboyfriend's mother lol...she always wears "RED" the perfume...thats her signature scent..and whenever i smell it on anyone..that makes me think of her....awww...thats sweet..my "other mom"...lol im goofy....so wow that dream was weird....and man the reason i gave her mom was soo true...i think when i realized we couldnt be friends anymore was when i saw this in her...its crazy...i cant wait til its a decent hour so i can call someone to tell them about the dream...none of my friends get are up at 730! lol...

okay have a great day...i need to get ready for work!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!! :)

okay so friday i had an eye doctor appointment! i need glasses!!! im kinda upset about it...because all my life ive had perfect vision...but oh well...they are ONLY for the computer or reading...so thats cool...after i was sentenced to wear glasses i needed a pick me up lol...so i went shopping...my girlfriend and i picked up the kids and went "BABY SHOPPING!" we found some really cute stuff...i love OLD NAVY!!!..and BABY GAP!!!....okay anyway...we went shopping had a good time...went to dinner..and played with the kids...her little girl is such a doll...

then saturday...it was suuuch a beautiful day...i couldnt stay home...so me and the boy got out...we walked around..i took all kinds of pictures with my 35mm...and went to the shopping mall up the street from my place...a nice day to do some walking...well then i thought about the THE ARTS SAMPLER!!....was this weekend...so we went downtown...and just had a good time..didnt get home til late..well dark lol...i hope i can teach my son to be a lover of the arts...any kind of arts...i think its a great way to express yourself...to find your own special voice...but i had a good time...it was fun...

theeen sunday...woke up...had my usual brunch with my friend and we had a good time...i love talking lol of course...so sunday talks are great! lol...after that me and kpp had some fun watching lion king for the 100th time...lol...and then dad picked him up...and i painted alittle bit...ill have to take a picture of the painting...

:)

ok so i want to enter my son into this baby contest...which picture should i send??





all input will be taken! thanks :)

Is Everything Enough? (Dedicated To The Invisible Man)

Today I poured my soul into the air . . .
Trying to verbalize and compose words to describe exactly how I feel about you
I sat all morning trying to find a way to explain it . . .
And every time I thought I had it . . .
I realized that it was probably something you had heard before ...
And see, what I feel is different . . .
Words would be too weak to describe feelings this strong.
I've sat here trying to rearrange the fragments of my heart
Into something tangible that you could wrap your mind around
You have to know that I have never experienced an emotion such as this
One that leaves me speechless
And all I can do is talk around it . . . and not about it
What words could I use to write down this emotion?
What letters can spell the impression you have made upon me?
What language can adequately express the desires of my heart?
I've sat here trying to capture words and phrases
That could get through to you how out of everybody in the world
You are the only person that has ever been necessary to me
I guess I could tell you that you're my first . . . my last . . .my best . . . my only
I guess I could say how I've known from the beginning that you are all I need ...
How it was like sensory overload when I met you
How I experienced absolute perception like never before
How cupid didn't hit me with one of his puny little arrows
But instead, hit me with a nuclear blast of knowledge that you were IT for me
And I KNEW . . .
I would think this to be impossible if it were not happening to me
This feeling is that powerful, that amazing, that strong, and that deep
To put it simply . . . I love you
And those are not just words
They are an expression, an affirmation, an oath, and a promise...
They are everything
And I hope and pray that they are enough.
Eventhough the past has showed his ugly head...
Eventhough my life is on "this road"..
Is it enough??


man this is crazy...im getting off this damn net lol...love has overcome me tonight...i dont know how it happened...well yes i do...just reading some poetry i wrote earlier in the week...its overcoming me once again...i think this is a weekly thrusday thing lol...when i come from my sessions lol life seems so wonderful...and when i think of wonderful i think of love...and damn when i think of love...i love it for a bit...then i get all emotional...and then i get hella sad...then ummmm i have to get off this blog before tears start to feel my eyes like they are doing now...mainly because i just think of how my heart hurts you know...how that big hole in it continues to burn and get bigger...where is the fixer of my heart? he is out there somewhere...and i guess i cant dwell on it...so i wont continue to write on it...ill just forget about it...or at least let is go for now...and kiss myself in the mirror lol...

okay before i go here is something...i love it...

We Can Be New

Can you tell that I've been hurt so?
Can you tell I wanna lay low?
Can you tell that I'm a flower
Waiting for a sunshower?

Can you tell that love denied me?
I need someone to revive me
If you give me a reason,
I'll be with you through the seasons

And we'll shed of our skin like trees do with leaves
We'll glide together down on winter breeze
And rest in the earth intertwined at the roots
Until we have grown into one, me and you...

And we can be new
And we can be new
And we can be new
And we can be new

Can you tell me a story
That ends with morning glory?
Can you tell I will believe you
If I could remember how to?

Can you tell the girl I once was
Come back, there's nothing here to fear, love?
If you give me a reason,
I'll be with you through all seasons

And we'll shed of our skin like trees do with leaves
We'll glide together down on winter breeze
And rest in the earth intertwined at the roots
Until we have grown into one, me and you...

And we can be new
And we can be new
And we can be new
And we can be new

Want to begin, want to begin to grow our new future, love
Where the ground is still fertile, full of hope and life
Never again, never again will pain and lies do you in
Let's bury them beside us, so they can remind us of when we...

And we'll shed of our skin like trees do with leaves
We'll glide together down on winter breeze
And rest in the earth intertwined at the roots
Until we have grown into one, me and you...

And we can be new
And we can be new
And we can be new
And we can be new

i wrote this to a good friend of mine...she is sooo wonderful...we have been friends for a while now..and its always good to hear from her...well we havent talked in a couple of months because she has been going through some things...you know the kinda things no one can really help with...you just kinda have to do it alone...so ive been giving her the space she needs but at the same time letting her know im here whenever she needs me...well she called me and we talked for a while...but you know i love the net...so we were chatting via email...and this is some of the email i wrote to her....well to preface this...we were talking about how good we feel about us now...just about how wonderful life is...with or without a mate...yeah sometimes it gets hard and we get wery....but we dont let the sadness of being "with ourselves" get us down lol....ok the email

"...........its soo crazy just how i feel soo good about me now...im like forget all the
other stuff..well not forget just let it go...and just love yourself...i say
it all the time...i used to look in the mirror after having kpp and say
daaamn lol you look horrible....but now...i just looove me...im back to just
thinking im the greatest since sliced bread lol...and its crazy how other
people see it...i mean just like "wow you look good today"...or "wow you are
such a great person"...lol...and you know how i looove for people to stroke my
ego lol...its great lol...but even men and WOMEN lol...now just walk up to
me...not like thats the best thing! but they just walk up and ask.."whats you
name" "you single" hahaha...its hilarious...but this one guy told me the
other day..im walking in the mall with the cute little heels on...you know the ones lol...in his oh so wonderful deep
voice..."dam miss.....you feeling good today and it looks good on
you?!"...and i just smiled this huuuuge smile...and stopped for a moment and said..."thank you" he
handed me his card..you know the routine..."give me a call sometimes" and i just put it in my pocket..nonchalantly and kept going...didnt even
look back like i would normally do lol to see if he was watching me..i just kept going...it felt really good to just feel good and someone else notice
it............"

yeah and after a couple more emails she and i decided that we would go out together on friday night...im soo excited to see her again...oooh i love her...she is soo special to me...and of course i have to wear something super cute...cause i cant have her little cute butt outlooking me lol..

im outraged...lol...well kinda...okay here's the reason...

i was on another floor and had to use the restroom...well let me tell you...that bathroom was fantabulous!!! lol...i mean i walked in...and instead of doors that showed your feet...the doors came all the way down...shutter doors...i walked into a stall...well to me it felt like my own person bathroom...walked in...and there were paper seatcovers..(something that "our" bathroom is always out of)...but after putting a seatcover down...i rolled off some shall i say...angelsoft tissue...has to be angelsoft because i use that kind at home lol...and it felt the same lol...well when i got up...THE TOILET FLUSHHED!!! the freaking toilet was automatic!!!...so i didnt even have to put my hands on the crummy pully thingy to flush...weell well weell...we arent done...so i open up my shutter stall door...and i pressed down on the soap dispenser...LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD!!...there is nice gel dial soap...the kind that smells oh sooo good...mosturizing soap at that...i washed my hands..the soap of course left them feeling soft and smell fresh...well while doing this...i noticed this wonderful smell...ooooh you have got to be kidding me!!...they have little jars of smell goods sitting on the sink counter...oooh it smelled soo nice...i rinsed my hands...and pulled some papertowels from the dispenser....hell i cant even call these papertowels...i have to say paper napkins..i have to make it as fancy as possible.....because they were soo soft (not rough like the ones in my bathroom on the 5th floooorr!)...i looked around the bathroom...nice wallpapered walls...nice colors...huuge floor lenght mirror...nice bigggg mirror that had noooo spots!..."looks like someone cleans the restroom every 10 minutes!" i thought...just soo nice...that was the best bathroom experience since ummm....since staying at the westin when i was pregnant downtown (my two great friends gave me a one nights stay there because i was going to go insane if i didnt get a good nights sleep lol and we all know how has the best beds in the country!!!)...and they have automatic papertowel dispensers..man....wow...i couldnt believe i work at a place like this...i couldnt and cant believe this kinda bathroom is only on "some floors"...only for the people who "DO NOTHING!!" they probably dont even use this bathroom lol...its probably people like me who use it...just to get away from the dirty stinky..."regular" bathrooms of the 5th floor...wow...i guess i should become a bathroom connoisseur!!..naw ill keep this job...lol...

maaaan...americans!....white americans!...lol...its crazy...im watching this show amazing race tonight...and whenever these people cant get through to someone of another race...someone who doesnt speak english they get alllllll crrraaazzzy...its like total disrespect...TOTAL...cursing out the taxi drivers...saying crap like "they just keep breeding!"...."these people are soo stupid"...."you are soo mean"...what the fuuckk?? damn i hate these freaks..but i cant stop watching the show...to see what wonderful place they will go to next...i love to travel...but ive never been to have these places...and wow...it would be such a great experience...but oh well...watching these jerks on this show...its just crazy...had to rant about it...

here we go....

kpp saying he is 1!


kpp happy that its his birthday!...


okay dad dressed him (pretty cool huh) and now the party begins...


my mom made the cake...


my mom...trying to make kpp play in it...he didnt go for it lol...


kpp and dad...both in sponge bob hats lol...


ok on to the guests...

my neice amber and kpp...


al(my nephew)....


my other nephew (al and amber's brother) carlos..


kpps friend paige...always in pink!


his other friend baby micah!


micah and his big sister ronae...



kpps cousin shania...uncle al's daughter


kpps cousin tania...and her mom...tia



tania's big brothers...shawn


tania's other brother ron jr...with uncle aaron...


kpps other uncle...my brother gwayne...(mr cool.)


kpps auntie...ronisha...aaron's and dad's little sister...


the party went well...i was soo tired...i didnt get one picture of me and kpp...other people took them of us...but i didnt have one...awww..oh well..we take pics all the time...

sooooo there you have...pics for all of those who are intrested lol...(no one!)

im going to bed....night!

Your Existing Situation
Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified.

Your Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which she needs. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability, she therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses her but makes her irritable and impatient producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.


Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants.
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.

Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.


Your Desired Objective
Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of experience. Wants to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt, to win, and to live intensely. Likes contacts with others and is enthusiastic by nature. Receptive to anything new, modern, or intriguing; has many interests and wants to expand her fields of activity. Optimistic about the future.


Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She tries to escape by intense activity, directed either towards personal success or towards variety of experience.


Your Actual Problem #2
The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity

man oh man oh man...im tired tonight...i havent been this tired in a long time...well since the last time kpp was sick lol...

today was my son's first birthday...all were in attendance!!...i was soo proud that my mother came today...she always seems to have attendance issues..when things are important to me...but wow..today...today she came...i was soo happy...i was in the room when they first came soo frustrated because no matter how many times she comes to visit...she ALWAYS...gets lost...but they made it...

kpps dads family came...his stepmom...and two nieces and nephew...his 2 young brothers and his little sister...man it was just good...i was really happy that they came...

my two girlfriends from work brought their little ones...it was just soo good..to know that kpp is loved you know...that he is loved not only by me..but by his friends and family....

its soo crazy because my apartment is like two inches big...and after asking dad to have it at his place and not really getting an answer...because he has sitting issues as well...but just a bigger place...i just decided..hey its your son..lets do it...it turned out well...everyone who came...knows my place is small...so they adjusted...i was kinda worried but oh well..it was my sons birthday so we all just adjusted...it was a great time...

and if you read my blog or know me..you know i get all emotional...so i was in the kitchen a couple of times just crying lol...crying cause man this year has been sooo hard for me...just with dad and his family..and my family...and being a new mom..and gaining new friends...and feeling unworthy of this great child...and just not having a love to share it with...so its been hard...but man...everytime i looked at him...mingling with folks in the living room...i would just go in the kitchen and tear up lol....the first few months of his life...he was always just with me...babysitter and me...and its just sooo great to see him growning into a little sociable person...he isnt that social...but i can tell that one day he will be a nice little kid...

dad kept saying...go out there and be social...and i was just thinking naww...i dont want people to see me crying lol...im just soo weird i guess...it was just a fantastic day...i took alot of pictures...

and when everything was over...i got kpp and (he hadnt been sleep all day..woke up at 547am so he was really tired!)...he went right to sleep...i mean in less than 2 minutes..he was sleeping...i was just soo happy..usually he goes with his dad on sunday...but today...it almost seemed like i was soo busy trying to get everything together that i really hadnt sat down with him to just love on him...so when he feel asleep in my arms...maaaaannn...my heart just melted..his dad and my mom had been holding him...but man when he just laid in "his spot" in my arms...i just melted...i asked dad "do you still want him to go with you?"...cause deep down i didnt want him to leave...i wanted to do just what i was doing..holding my son...just relax and hold him...let him know that i will always be there for him...no matter what happens...i will be there for him...teaching him and letting him know that I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH!!...

man today was one of the best days of my life...you know you always have your top ten days...today was in my top five!!!and just think he has his whole life ahead of him...plenty more birthdays like this..wow...im a mother!! lol...

ps...lol i know with all this emotion...when he is like 12 or 13 lol he will say..."that was my party..i dont remember that!....that was wack!"...and then ill have to smack him lol...

KPP IS ONE!!!

HE IS THE BEST SON I COULD HAVE EVER HOPED FOR!!!!



his mom's favorite cousin made this!!

oh my goodness...today was suuuch a beautiful day...i love this weather...i mean i really love this weather...a nice day to just take a long walk in the park...(with a light jacket of course..lol)

today the weather was my muse...i had to write something..ive been feeling sooo good lately...just really happy...even when im around...you know who...i always feel weird...but not today...i really had such a great day...just a wonnnnderful day...lol yeah im happy...okay back to the poem...like i said the weather was my muse...and with that said i wrote...

The Gift

I never thought I would feel this again,
My heart is finally mending,
I am beginning to feel happiness,
That means no more pretending.

I can smile now,
A smile with a meaning behind it,
I feel as if I'm born again,
A blessing not taken for granted.


short but sweet...i just feel soooo alive today...smiled like 300 times..for no real reason at all...went to some different stores to pick up kpps birthday party stuff...well i know why im happy..

my son will be 1 tomorrow...he has changed my life tremendously this year...im single...not so much as loving it...but enjoying me..and the person im trying my hardest to become...its sooo crazy because i think im built for the "relationship"...to be with someone...not to say i dont stand pround and tall alone...but i love just loooovin someone...but now that im not doing that...it gets hard...but man...not today..today was GREAT! i love my life...even with all of its wishy washiness lol...ups and downs...ins and outs...loves and lovers...aloneness...sick baby...happy baby...all of it...i looove it....what more can i ask for?? how much more grateful can i be??.........

Best Regards,
Marc-Damon (Big Star)

QUOTES that inspire me:

Keep us, O God, from pettiness; let us be large in thought, in word, in deed.

"Racism is NOT an excuse to not do the best you can." - Arthur Ashe

"Let a GOOD MAN do GOOD DEEDS with the same ZEAL that the evil man does bad ones."
- Hasidic saying attributed to the Belzer Rebbe, Shalom Rokeakh

Man improves himself as he follows his path; if he
stands still, waiting to improve before he makes a
decision, he'll never move. - Paulo Coelho

"All a man's got is the integrity of his work." - Ralph Wiley

Sight is a faculty but Seeing is an art - ANON -

"It is strange that in our praying we seldom ask for a change in character, but always a change in circumstances." ~ Author Unknown

Umoja - Unity
Kujichagulia - Self-Determination
Ujima - Collective Work and Responsibility
Ujamaa - Cooperative Economics
Nia - Purpose
Kuumba - Creativity
Imani - Faith

I always thought I’d be alright. I had my old jill scott and john legend playing...(you know the ever so wonderful blissful music i just cant get enough of), I had a movie and a magazine, I had a rabbit (some of you know what I’m talking about), I had special oils, I had an endless supply of batteries, and if all else failed I had my own two hands...But still I suffered. All the usual solutions just weren’t getting it. You know why? It wasn’t JUST sex I craved it was companionship. You see, I worked hard everyday like a computerized slave and I oftentimes didn’t do right by myself. My time was spent between dealing with my job and then with the everyday dramas of my wonderful but crazy friends and family. I didn’t, as the expression goes, “do me” (well I was doing me. . .but you catch my drift). And with all this and the daily rigor or maintaining a decent lifestyle, I didn’t have time for a relationship (or so I thought). But times got hard and I got lonely . . .so I've decided to take time out to date. My attempts seem to be failing horribly, not because of my lack of personality, or crazy looks lol, but the lack of prospects in my city. And as for those potential love interests . . . they, like me, are too consumed with being successful in their current careers to have time to be an active participant in a relationship. Isn’t it ironic that the men I find interesting are unavailable for exactly the same qualities (their drive and ambition) that caught my attention in the first place. Needless to say, because of this I LIVE in a perpetual state of FUCKSTRATION.

In examining all this I was forced to think of my mom and dad. By the time they were my age (29) shit they had been in and out of relationships and married by my age....i mean people in my family...fell in love and got married...I have friends who have similar stories about people they know. The average age of marriage a generation ago seems to have been in the early twenties. Today, I work with a slew of unmarried 30 and 40 year olds. It seems that for the sake of having a successful career, or just making money...we put off intimate relationships, and marriage to previously unheard of ages. As a result, societies finest . . .the ones who are probably the most qualified to have children, are the least likely to do so. Where does this leave our future generations? I don’t want to even think about it. Anyway, I said all this to say . . . don’t spend your life working for someone else, or trying to achieve unrealistic goals. Realize that even though success is nice. . .it's NOTHING without someone to share it with. We are humans, not robotic slaves. We need companionship, we need to socialize. . we need each other. Understand that it’s very unlikely that you will find your soul mate in the next cubicle. . .or even in the next building....get out of that office and make your presence in the world known....ive had to learn that if i dont search for him i wont find him...Let’s all go out and converse, laugh a little, and just have an all out good time. We may not find Mr. or Miss Right but we might just have fun...or find the best friend we thought we could never have... :)

man yeah i know its probably ghetto as hell...but man i loooove this song by

usher...ludacris...and lil john...i loooove it...

makes me want to do it lol..yeah yeah yeah i know a well educated intelligent woman like me shouldnt wanna get nekid to this song hahaha...but i guess its my ghetto freaky side coming out lol...

you know i have a favorite artist every week...well i finally got her cd...well i havent received yet...but its coming...

Amel Larrieux
listen to this man!!!

This is an experience of a relationship's bitter end and the reflection upon it during a string of particularly sleepless night.


I lay awake,
Staring blankly at the ceiling fan
Hoping that sleep will eventually find me
But it won't
Unsavory memories flood my thoughts
My brain just won't shut down
Mind reeling about things done that can't be undone
Head swimming with should haves, and why didn't I's
I start to wonder will I ever get it right?
Will I ever truly be satisfied?
Why is un-loving you so damn hard
The last question stirs something inside of me
Makes me nauseous
But I can't hide from it
Can't hide in the shadows
Can't cover my head with my blanket
Can't escape it because I thought it
And now it's here with me filling up the space in my room
And I realize something is missing
I am missing the piece that completes my life's puzzle
And I wonder if there is even a perfect fit out there
Because I've only been left with the wrong pieces
Pieces like you
And I've tried unsuccessfully to fit them inside my heart and soul
And even though they don't fitI keep on working them in
And I KNOW it's wrong
I know YOU'RE wrong
But I'm so anxious to experience completeness
That I forfeit my intelligence
For brief moments of false absolution
And I am defeated once again
Destined to lay awake
Stare at the ceiling fan
Hoping that sleep will eventually find me
But knowing that it never will

maybe tonight ill be able to sleep....

...WELL..ITS ALMOST HERE!!!...count down...6 more days...

TIL MY SON IS 1!!!

it honestly seemed like a few months ago that i had him...but man its been almost a year...and in this year...wow things in my life have changed sooo much...

just my attitude of only me...now its never only me...even when kpp is gone with dad...i think about him..what he is doing...where they are..did he eat..did he sleep...everything lol...i can count on one hand the times that ive shopped just gone in a store and shopped for myself...and the funny thing its all been in the last 3 months...before i only shopped for him...when i went to a store i made sure he had something in the bag...its crazy...life is sooo crazy...just my entire thought process now that he is here...

i wake up every single morning thankful and grateful..that GOD gave me such a great kid...you know when people say that i always say..yeah right...you dont pray every day...you dont say thank you to GOD every single day...and i now know that its true...when you are sooo honored for something HE has given you...you cant help but to be grateful...

i tell my friends all the time that kpp doesnt belong to me...im just his escort in this life...and since he has been trying to walk for about 2 weeks now...i truly believe it...its sooo great...just how he wants to be his own person...just an individual...he pulls away and wants to explore the apartment...especially the things i dont want him to touch...i learned a while back that if i dont say no...he will eventually leave it alone...and not be soooo intrigued by it...

or if i dont say anything at all...he will learn that its not a toy...kinda like my radiator heaters lol....
everyone kept saying...you have to rearrange the place for him...uuummm..noooooo...he touched this thing...ONE TIME!!...and has never touched it again lol..its not really funny but i guess i laugh because...yeah he is only 10 months or even almost 12 months but he is super smart...and he knows alot...and i just want him to learn as much as he can on his own...so when i do try and tell him something...HE WILL LISTEN...lol unlike i did as a child...

my mother and father seemed to always tell me nooooo...and stooooop...and it just made me want to explore it when they werent looking...yeah i guess im one of these new generation moms lol...i guess...thats a compliment :)