Friday, December 24, 2004

AM I THE GRINCH!!???

wow i dont know if its because im getting older..or because my day started off bad...or because my son is only 10 months...but whatever it is...whaaaatever it is...lol....i have noooo christmas spirit..no christmas nothing....but damn...its christmas lol...i guess its because i know im not getting a gift this year...not even a kiss on the damn cheek hahaaha....last year i was pregnant and i could rub my gift (my son in my belly) whenever i felt the need....and besides i was soo excited i just wanted to see my baby boys face...this year...lol he is here!!...being a little rascal!! lol...he is soo sweet though...but man he is such a little 10 month old kid...intrested in everything...wants to touch everything...just looooves life...and when mommie isnt loving life lol...i want him to be still....

the baby has everything...he needs nothing...not even a freaking toy...his dad bought him this ballpit...kinda cool...you know like at chuck e cheese...or mcdonalds...(i vowed never to let my own son step foot in those things...disease and waaay too many snotty noses lol)...but anyway..."dad" bought him one...and his grandparents bought him this little push toy..thats really cool...my mom of course bought him books...and me...well...im the grinch...i buy him things every week...so i mean really what does he need....

but does that mean im really the grinch...hell yeah..hahaahahah....i hope i dont ruin his christmas cheer...for next year...but what the heck does he know about christmas lol...he will probably be wondering why are all these people around...who are all these crazy toys for....why are you all looking at me.....he hates alot of people..i think he gets that from his father and i....all the talking all the noise...(DAAAMMMNN I AM THE GRINCH!!)

well finally "dad" came to get those two (my son and my little brother)...i was sooo tired....just mentally...yeah im a single mother..yeah i shouldnt get tired..but damn today...i wouldve killed someone lol...and who...i wouldve had to choose...my son or my little brother haahaha...(yep im the grinch)...but who?? lol....

i know "dad" thinks i try to ruin his life...but i dont...i just want to have some peace and quiet time...and yeah why didnt i think about that before i got pregnant...but oh well..he has two parents....who dont live together...so damn its just fair that i get at least alittle time alone....but you know what...i miss my boy...when he leaves..its crazy...i told "dad" this the other night...when kpp leaves...i miss him soo much...but when he is here driving me insaaaaaaaaannne...i just want "dad" to get him....its crazy....i know why gods plan was to have people married...to have two parents for a child...so it doesnt have to be this way...so i dont feel like this...its okay..he will be back later...driving me insaaaannnee...and ill be loving every minute of it....

wow..life is crazy...that is becoming my slogan...

i had a small situation this morning...and i think i did okay with it...well got upset but didnt go as loco as i used to...

here goes...this is what i mean by dad thinks i try to ruin his life....

the plan was today for "dad" to pick up the baby...and keep him today...i had to work...so okay...as you all know it snowed like 10 inches here...but the roads are clear today...so my job wanted me to come into work...okay so i let dad know that work is on...and for him to come and get the baby....well like i said it snowed 10 inches so he had to dig out his car from the snow...i think in the process of digging..and how tired that makes you..he got upset...told me to "stay the "f" at home...going to work its worth it"....well to me it is...if i dont go...i dont get paid..and who will help me pay my bills?? no one...so anywho...he gets all upset...and then i just tell him i dont want him mad with me..or mad about the whole thing...so forget picking up the baby...just damnit forget it lol...and yeah i did laugh...because who can take me serious...some days i dont even take me serious.(maybe i should NOT have said that because thats not what i really meant...maybe i shouldve said...go suck a cows butt because i really need to be at work right now...or okay forget that you are upset...im sorry but still come and get kpp...but of course i backed down...because i hate when he is mad with me)....but all in all...he didnt pick up the baby...so now that meant i had to call off work...that meant i had to get docked a days pay...should i be mad with myself...for not standing up for myself...yeah maybe...but then..finally i text him to see if he is coming to get kpp...its like what 230pm...he says yes he can get him...so he picks up the baby and my little brother...i wasnt going to say anything about the earlier morning situation..but it was burning me...i was still alittle upset...well not really...i guess im never really upset after the fact with anyone...especially him...i just wanted him to know that he really played me today...so i just said what i felt...i let him know that i was mad about this morning...and it was really jacked up...he in turn told me how i dont drive so i dont get it...which could be true...but then its like...he says that..but less than two hours later this morning..he told me he was "running up to his job" his job is only like 5 minutes away...but still...if you can dig yourself out for a five minute drive..why not a 15 minute drive...damn i should cool it...this is one of the reasons we arent together...because i cant hold in my emotions...because i just have to "go there"...and he is the type who can hold his emotions in for years...who will never say you hurt his feelings...or say what he truely feels...or maybe he just does it with me...i donno...i guess this morning..i should not have given up so easy...i should have been different...but oh well..its over..the day is almost over....i should let it go...and the next time i see them be overly happy...but it wouldnt be a fake emotion....because wow...just typing that...really lefted that weight off my shoulders...

seems like everything has to be a big deal...when it really doesnt have to be...one day me and "dad" will get it together for the baby...one day my word with him will be my bond...and ill stand my ground...or we wont...

haahah and damn im not the grinch..i just looked over at my christmas lights and smiled....i cant wait to see my son and snap some more pics of him...with his funny little santa hat on!!!!!!

MERRY KISSMAS EVE!!!!!

2 comments:

Nappy Hair said...

Awe T, I was thinking about how jealous I was that you had your little boy on Christmas! I was thinking that even though they don't don't what Christmas is about, they sure get a kick out of tearing up paper. . . but they don't always know how to do it at first so you have to show them. That's fun. . . and he will probably be excited just to play with the paper as happy as he is. Then you might read him a little Christmas story and say a prayer that this year, you know what, your gift from last year is still giving to you. Maybe sometimes you're tired but I envy you so much. I know it's hard work being a single mom, but I don't think you would ever say it's not worth it! If I wasn't a lame cousin and also unemployed I would send you a gift. Hell, I would love to come and visit. . . just gotta work on that whole unemployed thing. Anyway, I hope that you will be excited when your son is back at home to tell him the Christmas story though he might not want to listen, but when he is tired and on his way to sleep, you can read to him and thank God that you have this little life to influence and leave your mark on. Someone that God will look down on and say, 'He was loved and it is good.' You know! Anyway, hate to be the preacher it's just that my Christmas is a bunch of bull$hit. These losers over here don't know what Christmas is about. The little boy is soooooo frickin' greedy it's unreal. We've heard EVERY SINGLE DAY about what he wants. You have the opprotunity to tell someone who thinks you are the world what Christmas is really about and that it's not really about getting a ton of gifts, it's about love. And if you look at it that way. . . you have a better gift than most of us.

I love you cuz.

Nappy Hair said...

Please ignore the typos.