Friday, December 24, 2004

is being emotional a weakness???

damn "old man winter"!!!! when i woke up this morning...i looked out the window like "damn" and got right back in the bed...called my boss..informed her that i would not be in today...and went right back to sleep...

but then i got a wake up call from of my best best best friend died...its crazy...i cant even be emotional right really hurts alot...but with the boys here i cant really be emotional...i have to wait...i have to wait til the time is right...i have to be strong for them...cry without tears...

i just keep thinking about her telling me she couldnt spend another year without her
mom...and i guess this is a good thing..she wont have to...she wont have to be alone in this world..without the love of her mother...i dont think i could either...yeah my mother and i dont have the perfect relationship but who does...yeah i think she is crazy most days...but wow i dont think i couldve made it two years without her...but then again i have sisters and brothers to help me...she had no this is sooo sad and crazy...and i cant seem to take it today...

ive been sleep for most of the day...lonely and sad...needing someone to lean on...and the two people who asked me if i wanted to lean on them...i cant...because im in love with one...and the other one...umm we just have a really weird relationship...and its crazy because both have women in their lives..even if they dont want to admit it...even if they hate the why even go is crazy...

i was talking to my friend corey tonight...the one friend who i said we have the "weird realtionship"...he is one of the loves of my life...its crazy...because he is my inspiration alot of be be be be just the person i is my inspiration...hahahaha (please dont read this tonight) lol...he is one of the men in my life...that things never worked out for us...and we couldnt sulk in we both had to move on....mainly because of distance...but life is took us to two different places...but if things wouldve been lol...i would be involved with him at the drop of a dime....(sorry for saying this if you are reading this lol)...he has a woman...but he said something tonight that really made feel good...

this was our convo on....

saxiestmanalive: I tell her to attract (me) all she has to do is be her
saxiestmanalive: I love an individual
luuvelyladdy: ?
saxiestmanalive: an original really
luuvelyladdy: i guess i dont understand what you are saying
saxiestmanalive: I love a woman who is herself in all situations
saxiestmanalive: and radiantly so
luuvelyladdy: ok
luuvelyladdy: so what doesnt (she) understand about that?
saxiestmanalive: I think shes insecure in her power to attract me
luuvelyladdy: i hear you
luuvelyladdy: i dont think ive ever had that problem (with men im involved with)
luuvelyladdy: but i always thought i was too emotional
saxiestmanalive: i know
saxiestmanalive: not really (emotional)
saxiestmanalive: to be passionate u have to be emotional and be able to get caught up
in the power of it
saxiestmanalive: have to surrender and thats hard for alot of ppl
saxiestmanalive: they scared of themselves n the world in a way
saxiestmanalive: for some reason ppl think emotions are a form of weakness
luuvelyladdy: yeah
luuvelyladdy: i think my ex thought i was weak but i dont think that
saxiestmanalive: the weak ppl are those who are too scared to face what they feel
luuvelyladdy: i think im strong
luuvelyladdy: just emotional
luuvelyladdy: yeah i get it
luuvelyladdy: im putting this convo on my blog tonight
saxiestmanalive: it's all in how u deal with it
saxiestmanalive: I bet I'll be floating around the net long after I'm gone
luuvelyladdy: good
saxiestmanalive: we'll see
saxiestmanalive: I think ppl like u scare others
luuvelyladdy: maybe
luuvelyladdy: thats why im sittin in this apartment
luuvelyladdy: alone
saxiestmanalive: just physicaly
saxiestmanalive: ;)
luuvelyladdy: nope
luuvelyladdy: mentally
luuvelyladdy: emotionally
saxiestmanalive: then talk to me
saxiestmanalive: call me if u want to
luuvelyladdy: i mean
luuvelyladdy: talk and then what
luuvelyladdy: i need someone
luuvelyladdy: on my side
saxiestmanalive: I know baby (girl)
saxiestmanalive: all I can do is what I know
luuvelyladdy: yeah
saxiestmanalive: I don't like u sad
luuvelyladdy: its okay
saxiestmanalive: not really
luuvelyladdy: why not?
luuvelyladdy: i just have to be able to be alone
luuvelyladdy: and be strong

the convo kinda ended there because he got offline..but man...i think thats true...i have to be able to be alone and be strong...with or without my friend michelle..with or without some guy in my life...but you know i think...we all get weak sometimes..and i think when i get weak is when i get sad...i just kinda begin to feel really needy...most men may see that as weak..oh well...but its like im just in need of just alittle love...and i think when i get sad...i want someone to talk listen to me babble..just to let me know everything will be okay...eventhough i know it deep down for myself...i guess i just needed some loving...well im not getting that tonight...or anytime im going to get my son...and put him to sleep...and hit the sack......hopefully its still bad outside i dont have to work again.....the snow is horrible...yeah its pretty but damn the