I HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL!! BECAUSE IT COULDVE BEEN ME!!!!

well here we go....i woke up late this morning..mainly because my son kept me up most of the night crying...why he was crying?? i dont know...but he was...so by the time he got settled and sleep it was about 2am...okay...so i wake up at 7am...i shouldve been up at 6am...well okay...im thinking we can still get ready and get out at a decent time...well we do...and everything seems to be going okay...i leave out of my place...baby on back...covered...snuggled up...and i had to tell my little brother one more thing..."take out my trash for me pleeeaseee"....so i leave out the door...down the street and on a 12 minute hike down the street...well usually its not that bad...buuut today its snowing...well i say to myself..."at least it isnt thaaat cold this morning"....walking walking walking...feeling preety good...finally get to my bus stop...then i make sure that i packed my lunch IN MY BAG..."ooooh shit...i dont have my bag"...meaning the baby doesnt have his lunch....meaning...."FUUUUUUCCCCKKKK I HAVE TO WALK ALLLL THE WAY BACK HOOOOMMME!!!!"...ooook so walking walking walking...back back back....home home home....okay so im a really emotional person but im only emotional to the PEOPLE I LOVE....no matter who it is...you know my mom my brother...significant other...you know the people im close to...no one else knows im this "huuuuge cry baby"...well back to the story...i get home...i get home...and my little brother is coming down the stairs for me..."with my bag in hand" damn i looove him...he is such a sweet kid...well as soon as i see him...i start to cry...(you know the whole im emotional around the people i love)...so im crying not because i left my bag...i guess i cried this morning because some days like today i just feel soo overwhelmed...i feel like im the only one out there...like im alone in this huuge world...so walkign walking walking....back back back...to the bus stop....by this time my son is sleeping..mainly because i have his head covered up....(wouldnt you sleep if you were all snuggled up on your mommie) well finally finally get the bus stop...i see my bus...so "oh nooooo i have to run alittle"..."oh shit i cant run...i cant chance falling"...so i just have to walk really fast....finally get across the street...just in the nick of time..."THANK YOU JESUS!!!"...i couldnt have stood there for another bus and came to work...i wouldve been an emotional wreck...weelll okay...get to the sitters to drop off my son...and man...SHE HAS FORMULA FOR HIM!!!! a while back she gave me his formula...but she said i brought it back for you know "for days like this".....wellll......im kinda pissed...but oh well...i have the bottles they are in my bag..no big deal...im over it...so i put him down...she is holding him...i walk out of the house...and "damn man!!! i see my bus...come on come on cars..move it!!! i haaaave to get this bus!!"...well now with no baby on my back im free to run...if i fall i fall...so i book it...running alittle to my bus...."YYYEEAH I GET THE BUS!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!"....oh the bus i am...finally getting a chance to feel my legs....to feel what warm is like..."THANK YOU JESUS FOR LETTING ME BE OKAY...FOR LETTING MY SON AND I JUST BE OKAY...THANK YOU SOO MUCH!!!" ok so im on the bus...riding riding riding...going going going...to work work work...."man my bag is heavy...what the heck is in here?" so i check.........................."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOT HIS BOTTLES!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" yes yes yes...his bottles are in my bag....the bottles that i walked a mile for in the snow with a 30lb baby on my back...the bottles that made me feel like i was the worst mother ever...the bottles that i ran for!!! THESE DAMN BOTTLES!!!....damn...oh well..the sitter has formula...he will be okay...off to work i go...pissed crying...but i have to be okay....crying because just last night im trying to encourage "dad" and let him know we have to keep going when things dont go right...we have to keep pressing on...and damn when something happens to me i kinda loose it...but hey man i have to suck it up...life is tooo short to be soo down on myself...

and i get to work...go over the story in my mind...beating up on myself.....im sooo sad...then my boss comes in late....and answers her voicemail...and her daughter had a car accident in the snow....DAMN....i just sit here thinking...

I HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL!!! thank you jesus for letting nothing happen to my son and i..thank you jesus for always having me in your arms...protecting me from harm...from danger...thank you jesus for being the best dad a girl could ever have...thank you...because it couldve been me....