alittle recap!!
wow...last year i went into the new year playing video games with "dad" and wondering when kpp (my son) would come...i went into the new year hoping that i would have a great family and that i would be the best mother i could be...
well i succeeded...i think ive done a great job with my son...HE is my family...i watched my stomach grow to fuuulll capacity lol...finally he was here...and i had noooo idea what to do...even though id read "online" and bought every book i could find...but i made it work...we finally came home and started our new life together...little Khalil Parker..the sweetest baby ever...it was soo difficult at first but as time flew by...we got into the swing of things...yeah "dad" wasnt around as much as he was needed but we made it work...wow...a single mommie lol...life has thrown me some curves but this year...man this year has been the biggest curve in my life...BUT its been the best year when i think about my son...of my life...
well my son has grown larger than life...i couldnt even imagine while holding him after birth that he would look this way...that he would act this way...that he would even smile the way he smiles that cute little smile at me..its sooo wonderful...
ive been hurt with love...and hurt others with my love...but its okay...it was never intentional...but i did it..and i have to take responsibility for it...im sorry...
my soul kinda aches right now because i know in the new year that i have to leave the hurt and pain behind...that i have to leave the bad behind...i cant worry about "dad" and what he does or doesnt do...i have to leave it all behind...i have to make sure im the best mom to kpp that i can be...and not take anything less....
this year i found a new friend...a very special friend...it was soo crazy how we meet and how we found each other...man...i wasnt even looking..but that i too have to leave in this year...it hurts a bit...i cant go into the new year even talking to the friend...because i "hurt" them...so ill leave them and the hurt behind...i dont want to hurt anyone intentionally or accidentally in the new year.......so ill move forward without a call or text and try to put that memory box waaay back in the closets of my mind...it will be hard but...hard is my life...so im used to it...its crazy how someone gives and gives and things still end up wrong...i wasnt ready...and i dont feel bad anymore after everything has been said and done..because my friend knew i wasnt ready...they knew what i felt when i felt it...i was never holding back...never holding back how i felt......but they stayed around anyway...i wasnt ready for what the life had to offer...what others would think...so i went along til i couldnt go along with it anymore...i think the day i had to stay "stop" was the day i woke up and needed my friend in my life...needed them by my side..and i was afraid...afraid of what the future would hold for us...so i had to let go...because i just wasnt ready...im glad my friend didnt "chase"...im glad my friend is stronger than they think they are...im just happy today...yes my soul aches..but im happy in that small corner of my heart...because i know everything will be okay...and if it doesnt...i know i can handle it all...but i do want to say..im sorry...im sorry for not being ready...not being able to "not care" what others think...i guess thats another one of lifes curve balls...but its okay...im leaving it in 2005 and wishing and praying for my friend's happiness....:)
wow...2004...
i had a great son...
ive held my son...
got over the pain of being unworthy...postpartum depression...
did what most mothers dont do...breast feed...even though it hurt like hell at first lol...
listened to my son cry...
heard him laugh...sooo much...such a happy baby...
got my first kiss :)
watched as he grew up right in front of my eyes...
watched him eat for the first time...let him throw some food lol...
watched him lay there...scoot alittle...crawl waaay too much...stand up...and finally take his first two little steps...(still not walking!!)
ive watched my son grown up to be a well mannered little 10 month old...
and im sooo happy about that!!!!
ive gained an appreciation for love..
gained an appreciation for pain...
became a survivor of both...
learned how to be a good mommie..
learned how to be a good daughter and sister...
learned how to listen sometimes...
and not shut up other times...
taught myself that in the end i must take care of my son and i...
gave an abundance of love away...
got an abundance of love poured on me...
cried many nights...
smiled many days...
watched waaay too much tv..
finally saw some movies ive been dying to see...
went to some art museums...
read some good books...
ate some great food...
cooked some good meals (surprisingly!)
regain that sex appeal that id lost...
straighten and curled my hair lol...
whitening my teeth with those crest strips lol...
told some corny jokes...
cried...
saw death in the eyes of a young boy...
laid some friends to rest...
missed them sooo much...
cried for them all night...
wished they were still here..
but dealt with the pain of them being gone...forever..
figured out im okay with myself...
found out that im still a great catch...
and my body is the temple that carried life...
and its okay that there is still some remnant of him hanging on hahahah...FAT...
figured out that life is hard...
but figured out that i can handle it...
dealt with things in my own time..in my own way...
cried some more..
laughed aloooott...
and cried some more...
yes crying...crying is what drives me...the emotional side of me...is what i love....
and tonight i hope to go into the new year...
with the same people i came into it with last year...myself and my son...
this year has been sooooooo good to me...my payment is to be good in the new year...
love you bunches...
luuve :)
who am i kidding lol ill probably have more to say tonight lol
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