wtf? MAN WHYYY??!!!....I CONTINUE TO SEE SHIT LIKE THIS WTF??!!! MAN K. COLE...WHY ARE YOU POSING WITH THIS LAME? you aint that cute..but damn this fool makes you look hooooott!!!! or equally as lame! lol which is it?...then this person has the nerve to be throwing up the westside? give me a damn break! ahahahahahahaha!!

I threw up in my mouth alittle bit! ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww....damn!!!!! i just looked at that picture again!

why do people continue to be over ignorant lol with their style...the acrylic fingernails but just on two fingers? keep your damn hands in your pockets fool!! give me a damn break man!! hahahaha WTF is this? a man or a woman??!!! ....

oh my goodness..my hostility is shining through today..i was going to try and control it.until i saw this damn picture!!!

DAMN! my people gotta do sooo much better than this shit lol...oh my goodness!! the fingernails?? whyy?? JUST FUGLY....(FOR YOU FOLKS THAT DONT KNOW..THAT MEANS FUCKING UGLY!)...

or should i say H.A.M. (hot ass mess!)...YEAH LETS JUST SAY...HONEYBAKED H.A.M!

these are some pictures from that biggie release party from the other night...damn all these folks there..and MTA is acting a damn fool? how they get there? walk? hahah wtf? people will do anything for some hot music and some drink and smoke!

i donno but damn can someone say exploiting?? lol..at first it was puffy...we all kinda expected that fool to be out for the papa...but now this nicca big's momma? lol damn...i hope when i die and my moms is still alive..so that she can somehow exploit me to get that money...maybe that folder on my computer labeled private will do it for her hahaha lol

yeah check these pics out from the party... click if you want them bigger..




this nicca benzino lol?! why are you there! fat joe..you need to be home collecting money to give to big puns wife...babs? ummm where you at? can i hear a cd? i thought her and other dude from making of the band was gonna be like "bonnie and clyde" (puffs words not mine!) lol...

i wasnt going to say shit about big's momma but damn...i cant even stand to look at her anymore...but i guess if kpp was a famous rapper and i knew everyone loved him i would do it! NOOOOOT! be serious!

gimmie da loot! gimme da loot! hahahaha! damn i miss biggie

okay..i think i need to clear some things up about my blog... (now if you dont know what im talking about...then im not talking to you lol)

okay..i think my blog lately has been misunderstood by some folks..they seem to think ive been talking about them.... WTF?

if i havent said anything to you...I WASNT TALKING ABOUT YOU..
if i havent said i dont love you no mo'..THEN DAMN I LOVE YOU BOO! LOL...WE STILL PEOPLES! SHIT!
if i havent said you make me sick..JUST KNOW YOU ARE ON MY GOOD SIDE!
if i havent said im talking about you...JUST KNOW..IM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU! GEEEEZZZ!!

im a poet..i write poetry..i write poems about love..i write poems about love lost...i write about my past present and future love...
i write about my friends..past and present...
i write about my situations...
i write about my sunshine...

damn man give me a break..stop writing shit on your blog about me...if you have something to say...tell me fool!!!...before i let "sho yah"..line yo ass up with the other COMPLAINING ASS biotches and slap the shit outta you for me!!!...stop with all the vague mentions of conversations we have had..YOU SUCK!..i was trying to be happy with you...but now i see...yo ass will never really be happy..no matter what i do...or dont do...no matter how many conversations i listen to...no matter how much attention i give you! damn..you suck!!!...get happy from within..and if im not the friend you need...drop me like a bad habit!..damn i hate people...(didnt i already say this shit today!!!)...i hate people!!!...

i cant make you happy...i cant be a better friend...i'm me..im who i am the first day you meet me..i will be who i am when this relationship is over! damn get a grip...i hate reading folks blogs and its some vague ass interpretation of something i said on my blog..and it doesnt have shit to do with you in the first place...

take my blog for what it is...my thoughts..my life...not something between me and you..unless i give yo punk ass a shout out!...cause 100% of the time..if ive written it on my blog...you heard it from me first...

so stop your drama...if i have beef with you..if i dont like you anymore..i will tell you...if i have an issue with you..shit i will let yo ass know! damn i hate yall biotches on these blogs!! they shouldnt have ever made this shit hahaha!!! yes they shouldve..so i dont have to cuss yo ass out today!! hhhaahaha...i can just type it on my blog! lol



okay truce? truce!..DAMN FREAK!

damn..why dont people realize that the grass aint greener on the other side...SHIIIITT!!!!

if you love someone stick with them..be patient...communicate what you want and need...especially if your mate is a good person...

why does everyone always think its greener??!!!!!??? I DONT!..but then again..who is weird like me...i always have stuck with what ive had.....especially when that shit is great!

so to all you complaining bitches (men and women! cause men can be bitches too!)...your new year's resolution needs to be this....

1. STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING ABOUT WHO YOU ARE WITH!

2. IF YOU DONT LIKE THEM...LEEEEAVVEEE!!!

3. IF THEY ARENT GOOD IN BED...STOP TELLING ME! LEAVE!

4. IF THEY DONT LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU NEED AND DESIRE TO BE LOVED..LEAVE!!

5. IF THEY WATCH TOO MUCH DAMN REALITY TV AND YOU WANT TO BE OUTSIDE..LEAVE!!

6. IF THEY HAVE FAKE NAILS AND BAD WEAVES..AND YOU THAT SHIT!! LEAAAVEEE!

7. IF HE/SHE IS A DEAD BEAT PARENT! LEAVE!...BECAUSE CHANCES ARE..IF YOU EVER HAVE A BABY TOGETHER! THEY WILL BE DEADBEATS!!

8. IF THEY TALK TOO DAMN MUCH..AND YOU WANT SIIILLLEEENNNCEE (LIKE MARTIN USED TO SAY)...LEAVE!!!!

9. IF THEY DONT COOK FOR YOU AND YOU WANT A HOME COOKED MEAL WHEN YOU GET HOME! LEAVE!

10. AND FINALLY! IF THEY ARENT LOVING YOU RIGHT...IF THEY DONT HOLD YOU RIGHT...IF THEY ARENT SEXING YOU RIGHT..IF THEY ARENT GIVING YOU ORAL LOVING (FOR MEN AND WOMEN) HAHAHA ...IF THEY ARENT HOLDING YOUR HAND AND KISSING YO ASS (AND YOU ON THAT LOVEY DOVEY SHIT)...PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR IN THE NEW YEAR....STOP CALLING ME COMPLAINING ABOUT IT!! LEAVE!!!!!!!



DAMN IM ANGRY TODAY HAHAHA BUT IM SICK OF MY FRIENDS CALLING ME TELLING ME ABOUT THEIR FUCKED UP REALTIONSHIPS BUT ARENT GOING ANNNYYYWHERE...BE HAPPY IN WHAT YOU HAVE...BE HAPPY THAT HE/SHE IS THERE...BE HAPPY..AND BE PATIENT..SO WHAT...IF HE DOESNT COOK FOR YOU..BUT HE LOVES YO ASS DOWN AND COMES HOME AT NIGHT WITH GREAT CONVERSATION..(FACE IT..HE ISNT A GOOD COOK!)...LOL..SO WHAT...IF SHE DOESNT LIKE SPORTS..BUT SHE COOKS THE HELL OUT OF SOME COLLARD GREENS AND CORNBREAD W SO WHEN THE GAME IS OVER..YALL CAN EAT!...(FACE IT...SHE AINT A SPORTS FAN LIKE ME! NICCA!)..

DAMN MAN! I SWEAR! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! IN THE NEW YEAR! QUIT THAT COMPLAINING SHIT!!!!!!

BEACUSE DAMN IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING GOOD..WORK AT IT...EVERYDAY AINT PEACHES AND CREAM...BE PATIENT..AND AFTER BEING PATIENT AND LOVING..AND SHIT STILL AINT GOING THE WAY YOU WANT IT...BE AN ADULT AND GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP THE RIGHT WAY..NO CHEATING..NO LYING..JUST BOUNCE.....AND STOP CALLING ALL OVER GODS CRATION TELLING EVERYONE HOW FUCKED UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS!! CAUSE 9 TIMES OUT OF 10..HE/SHE AINT DOING WHAT YOU ANT BECAUSE OF YOU!...(DID YALL HEAR THAT? IF HE/SHE AINT GIVING IT..ITS BECAUSE YO ASS AINT GIVING IT..IF SHE DONT COOK...ITS PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE FEELS UNDER APPRECIATED..YO ASS NEVER CLEAN THE KITCHEN! OR SAY THANKS...IF HE DOESNT BUY YOU NICE THINGS...MAYBE ITS CAUSE YOU A GOLDIGGER AND HE KNOWS THE SHIT HAHAH...IF SHE DOESNT WEAR LINGERIE..MAYBE ITS BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS SNATCH IT OFF OF HER ANYWAY..WHATS THE POINT REALLY..YOU DONT LOVE HER SLOW HOW YOU 'POSE TO HAHAHA (im soo grammatically challenged lol but hey im from Mississippi lol)...YEAH MAN DAMN..STOP COMPLAINING...

HAHAHA IM DOCTOR PHIL IN THIS PIECE! IM OUT!!!

ive known for many years now that ive walked alone in this life..

but not until tonight was i forced to apprehend the truth as it continued to flee from me...

this truth collided with my fantasy that THIS love is everlasting and would always remain right beside me...

holding my hand ever so tightly...

im rejoicing tonight that i have been given the opportunity to multiply....

I never knew just how much i would need my sunshine....

to help me through this array of blacks and grays...

i knew that one day this would all come to past...

but i ducked and dodge the obvious...

and tonight after all has been said and done...

this has been my hearts ultimate calamity...

ive walked this road soooooooo long alone..and i never once thought id have to continue with MYSELF by my side.

im sorry i couldnt be the person you dreamed...

and im sorry after all my begging and pleading that you wont recognize just who i am...

and let our paths reconnect and encounter this special love again...

the truth has manifested itself soo painstakingly obvious to me...

i cant be your accomplice in this persevering task we call life...

im forever in your debt for keeping me abundantly whole at my darkest midnight hour..

thank you..

forever..

i am melancholy but i still say thank you....

forever was always something i said with ease...

because my love for you was never blindsided by obstacles...

or pushed aside with life's lessons...

but tonight i know forever is just that...

FOREVER ALONE IN LOVE......

Question??????????????
What do say? When an e-mail is sent to you by the only woman that you have EVER love for almost 10 years.

I'm giving you 5 months to straight whatever it is that you gots to get straight. Then I'm moving there and we getting married and having a baby I don't need you to agree or disagree. Because we been playing this game to long and you love me and I love you.

Now to the Fellas:
What do you do if you get this from the female that youve always loved?
Do you respond to this email?
Do you respond to the woman that you have talked to almost everyday for 10 years or do you just ignore the e-mail completely?

And Ladies:
Is this something that you would ever send to the man that you've loved almost 10 years?

This is really an important question that I need an answer to. So leave your comment or instant message me, if you the shy type.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

damn i think i just read the blog of the fucking year lol....i read this guys blog off and on alot...and today i read him describing what a sexy is to him..

so umm ive decided ill do the same....in the dicitionary sexy is

1. Arousing or tending to arouse sexual desire or interest.
2. Slang. Highly appealing or interesting; attractive:


to me...sexy is....

* when you lay your head in my lap and look up at me...and we communicate without word

* when i can cook for you...and YOU do the dishes...

* (now this one may be alittle confusing) when im walking down the isle of the grocery store and i stop in front of you...and you run into me...cause you acting like you didnt see me stop...just to feel my bootie lol...

* when i smell you on my jacket..because before i went to work..you hugged me tight...and all day i smell your love around me....oooooooooooh sexy..cause damn..you smell soo good!

* when i have on a low cut top and you look at me and say "put those up..those are for me" lol...hahaah sexxxxyyy!!! lol (that really happened to me..)

* when you come over with fresh new hair..lordie! thats soo sexy...like wow..you look sooo good!

* that night you came home early to find me in the bed reading..and you came right in..didnt disturb me...you just kissed me, laid down..and when i started to talk..you said...no baby finish reading "i dont want to disturb you"....and went to sleep...(see thats soo sexy..because you know i love you..you know i care...i know you love me...i know you care....and you are okay with me doing my own thang...you understand that reading makes me happy...so you gave me what i needed...those lips..and a "im going to bed baby...i love you"....and you went to sleep..did i say sexxxxy!!!)

* its when you know i have a child..yet you love him even more because he looks just like me lol......(now if this aint the sexiest thing...)

* (this is a better one)...when we were in the mall and someone said...your child is soo handsome....(eventhough he is MY child)...you just smiled kept walking (never mentioning that he wasnt ours....sexxxxxyy!!!)

* when we are riding down the street and you look over and say..."i love you" just because...but you dont get mad when i dont say it back...because shit we all know you got my heart...all i need to do is look at you and smile..cause that means waaay more than words...

* when you kiss me on my forehead cause im sick..you dont want to catch what i got..but you gotta be kissing me...yeah thats seeeexy lol...makes a sista feel extra good...

* oh yeah..when you cook for me..and take care of me..when im sick...(oooh thats soo sexy...makes me want to give you my germs and have sex right there...cause you already know when you get sick i am going to do the same for you...sooooo sexy!)

* when ive cooked something that i thought was soo good...(and it really wasnt)...you dont look at me twice while eating it...you say..."this isnt that good baby...but i love you"...ooh sexy! cause momma always trying some new receipe lol

* you know on that saturday when there is nothing to do....well you go in your "small" book collection..and we read together..you read to me..i read to you..

* when im shopping for clothes and you come in the "womans" store with me..and watch me try on clothes...thats sooo sexy..cause who cares about those other women...you are with me...

* when you are shopping for yourself..but you want me to go...because you want my opinion on what looks good on you...oooooooh thats soo sexy...

* its really sexy..if i come home and you are there laying in bed waiting for me...ooh thats really sexy..cause i know what may happen...

* when i can just put my head on your shoulder cause ive had a bad day..and you dont try and fix it..you just let me talk...tell me "you got me" thats sooo sexy

* when i check my messages....and all i hear is..."i love you"..and you hang up...because what more needs to be said....man damn..thats sooo sexy....

* oooh sexy is when you in the bathroom..and you just gotta talk to me...so you open the door because you didnt want to be alone..hahaa...(yeah thats nasty but thats when you know you love someone)

* i said me cooking for someone is really sexy...but when you come in the kitchen and say "babe what do you need me to do" yeah that shit is ultra sexy...cause yeah im cooking..(but i think i smell the bread burning! lol)

* its when we are laying in bed together..and you want me on you...you want my hands on you..you want my body on you...and when i fell like i may crush you lol cause ima big girl..you say......"i got you.." (now didnt i say i was a big girl....so if you say this..you better have me lol)

* sexy is when i have noooo money..and neither do you...yet we still find a way to be happy...playing uno! or some board game lol..thats soo sexy...and boring lol

* sexy is when....im scared at home alone..and you call me..to make sure im okay..thats not only sexy..but its soo nice to know that you love me...

* its that night i came home late from work...and you were there waiting for me..with dinner....(eventhough your dinner consist of french fries and a hot pocket!) thats soo sexy!

* oh yeah..when i walked out without giving you a kiss and you call me or text me..and say...you didnt kiss me today..that means i need extras when i see you later! lol seeeesxxxxyyyyy!!!

* and finally...when i lay in the bed..and you lay right beside me..and tell me your fears...your dreams...and how you want me to be there through them all..yes lord..now thats sexy!!!!




yeah i know..this is soo nice...but most of it has never happened to me...but the stuff that has..i think its soo sexy....i think its sooo nice..the hot pocket and french fry dinner thing...i made that up..but thats something yall would do lol..say i made you dinner baby! lol and its a damn hot pocket and fries lol....but shit thats sexy..cause i couldve come home..and had an air sandwich! lol....

so yeah someone who is sexy all over...and who appreciates me..and in turn i will appreciate them..and give them that sexy side of me..that i dont show anyone...yeah thats sooooo sexy lol...damn if i say sexy one more freaking time lol...

night

oooh i have been slacking on my blog lately..i found that yahoo 360 blog..and its soo cool and easy...to get connected...listen to me..i sound like a damn commerical..but that ish is pretty cool...i was on it last night for like 2 hours looking at different people...

yeah yeah yeah...about my weekend...lol i wrote about it on my "other blog" damn i love that 360...

but anyway i was asked to come up to cleveland for christmas by my second mom and her sisters...

and i was just thinking...damn kpp has a father...whom im not with..but yet its still his father and who is active in his life...okay...so...i dont have a life...i never do anything for chirstmas...maybe go to my familys house...we didnt last year because of the big snow storm...but my question is...can i really take kpp out of town for christmas?? his father is here in town...would that be right?...and then im thinking...do families have this debate all the time?? like where will the child be for christmas?....is that fair to dad?? but then i think about it like this...when will i ever be able to do something? his family and friends live in this city...i dont have family here...so whenever i want to go out of town for a holiday...what will happen?...will i always decline so my son will have both parents for holidays??...its really sad when i think about it...i wish things could be different..but they arent...this is what they mean on the today show when they say things like..yeah you arent married but it seems like you have gotten a divorce....i dont know what to do...i would really like to go up there for christmas..i havent spent a christmas with them in years..but on the other hand...is it mean?...when do i get to live my life?? when kpp can choose which parent he wants to stay with when?? or is that wrong too? like making a child choose?...its wild...and damn it makes me sad to think...i put my baby boy in this situation...by not thinking before i act...

ok..so thats the question..is it wrong to take your child out of town on holidays...when his father is active in his life??...so like his father will miss out on his christmas...or like corey said...we will celebrate christmas before christmas.....i donno..corey said nothing is wrong with it...my friend girl said...i didnt ask to be a single parent...i mean yeah..no but this was a consequence when i laid down..that this shit could happen...we werent together...so ummm..lol..right...

okay again i ask...is this wrong? or just a fact of life? when two people arent together...and they have a child??

i was told by my uncle and stepmom friday that my little cousin has a brain tumor...its not malignant...nor it is an AVM...which are both good things...but it is inoperable...

having children is suuuch a great thing...its suuch a great experience...but i tell you...this is the only downfall...worrying...praying that nothing happens to them...i love kpp soo much...and i pray daily that he is safe with the Lord watching over him...especially when we aren't together...

here he is...i couldn't resist not showing him any longer lol...last week was the last warm week....its back to jackets and jeans...so i decided i would take the camera to the park with us....wow...i got some good shots...especially the last one! lol...with him crying looking up to the heavens hahahaa...he is suuuuch a character!!!




kpp looking like a big boy...it was rather surprising when i put this outfit on him...he looked like he was 3 or 4...odd what clothes can do...



and this red hat...i just turned it to the back..not knowing that he would look sooo dang cute hhahaha!!!





okay night...i have to finish watching the bengals!!...im hoping they win it tonight!..damn i cant believe im rooting for the bengals! lol this is hilarious!!

so ummm nikki wants to be featured on my blog...

she wants me to talk about what good things she does...
she wants me to talk about what bad things she does...
she wants me to talk about how on thursdays because its her day off (ummm and because i dont have a job) we hang out....
she wants me to talk about her...

so ummm what should i say??

she is...ummm my friend...simply put...

i guess she wants me to tell some elaborate tale of mystery or how we yell at little kids while driving by (well that was me lol but you get my drift)...
or how we laugh sooo hard that my stomach starts to hurt...and i see her change into the mean "white girl" (well she doesnt know thats what i call it...but i guess once she reads this she will..lol)

i guess she wants me to tell you guys how i looooove nerds and geeks (her being a nerd) and i befreind them because i love them...because they teach me something new everyday...
i donno...i guess she wants me to discuss how "white" she is to me...
shit i donno what she wants me to say....so ill say this...

YOU MADE IT TO MY BLOG!....you are my favorite suburan, oreo cookie, catholic, proper talking, little white girl...(in a black chicks body lol)..YOU ARE NOW BLOG FAMOUS!!!

so one time my friend said that blogging was simply...complacency....narcissism...you know two not so common words for the more common word of conceit!.....

do you think thats true?

i guess when you look at it...honestly....we are all a little conceited...We all want to talk about ourselves...we all love ourselves in our own special way(whether that be self-loathing or delightful)...we all want to be accepted and recognized for what we know or how we look or what we did...or even what we didnt do for that matter....we all want to leave our mark on society and in history in some way...enormous or insignificant lol...(as you can see im using bigger words every since i saw corey...i couldve just said...big or small lol)

so is blogging how we, the 20 somethings...me being closer to the => 30 somethings...is this how we do it?? by bloggin?.....

over the last month...ive read blogs of friends who swore way back when...when i made my first website grandstanding on the fact that i was who i was!...my site was impregnated with beautiful pictures of me and my world, countless pieces of my very own mythological poetry (well what i thought to be anyway lol).....and enough stories of my life that would fill a small stadium lol....but they all said....shit...they vowed..."I WOULD NEVER DO THAT...its too open for all to see..."...well here it is...2005...yeah they are slow on the uptake...but they made it...congratulations! :) im glad you've joined me....(well me and the rest of the world...)...i guess im writing all of this because i read the blog of one of my favorite people tonight...he is my muse for this blog entry...

i guess my question now is....why?....if i said i knew the answer they would all call me the "know it all" they all think i am lol...they would say.."what do you really know" lol...so ill ask?...why? why did you join us??...so you too could parade your thoughts and lives over the internet..??....its great isnt it!! hahahaha!!! its like your little online diary!...and ill be stealing your key from under your pillow and opening up the bottom drawer on your night stand...to sneak a peak every now and then.......i cant wait...

its always astonishing to me when my son either: figures out something...learns something new...or speaks some new word....

well tonight..it was "his shadow".....its funny because we always watch this dvd..."bear and the big blue house"....well on the show there is this character named..."SHADOW".....he loves her....she is just a shadow on the wall (i've always said my son would love the simple things in life..)...he laughs and screams when i pull out the dvd........he starts to scream out..."SHADOW!!! SHADOW!!!"....so tonight was kind of odd lol....he saw his own shadow...and even played with it for a short time...then he started to whine...almost cry...and for like a half a second i wondered why????...but then I HAD IT!?.....HE WAS SCARED!!!!....i couldnt believe it...i almost wanted to show him his shadow again..so i could understand his fear...wtf?...he was just playing with the damn thing...and now he is petrified?! hahahaa....that shit was insane ...

i shouldnt think that this is soo amusing......but i do...i think its comical because he has become soooo "self-sufficient" lately (well as independent as a french speaking, dirty diaper wearing, french fry eating 19 month old can be lol)...lol...i almost felt good because he needed me...he needed me to pick him up...shelter him from "his shadow", his new fear....it just shows me that he isnt done with me yet....i feel good...eventhough he was scared lol...i feel needed...

its something about my little "sweets (what i call him)" growing up...i feel a little melancholy when i see him growing because i feel left out in some way.........yet on the other hand...i feel sooo full....full of pride...love...hope....i fell...like a mother.....i feel normal...because every proficient and loving mother has had these feelings...

wow...my son..he's growing up...yet he is only 19 months...but everyday he is acquiring all this knowledge to become.....this wonderful human being....i cant wait to see him at 4 :) lol

i love my sweets...i think ill add that as my signature on my email...haha...thats cute...someone will probably think im hungry and offer me a snickers bar hahahaa...oh well...

i love my sweets (kpp)...he is MARVELOUS!

lately ive been thinking a lot about my life and the direction it has taken...good and bad...and wow...im breathlessly awaiting to see how these trials and tribulations will imprint my life....

i woke up this morning at 5am looking at my son...yes yes yes...he is spoiled therefore he sleeps with me....( i have a one bedroom apartment...i think even if i had a 5 room place he would probably be in bed with me....i mean there is no one esle in my bed)....i digress...

i wake up and im in aww at his little face...its still dark...but enough light outside from the street lights for me to see him...i love mornings like this....he is laying there...with his feet in my chest..and his hands on my face...(yes picture that...could you really get a good nights sleep in the shape of a "U"?...he does lol)...he is laying there..and im just watching his chest move...watching his breath consume him....then leave him...its a wonderful feeling to be in love...to be in love with someone...who is in love with you....my son...

i always thought that we would have this perfect relationship.....the one i read about or saw on tv...and after his birth i was depressed for a couple of months because i agonized over me being this perfect mother...the one i'd deemed myself unworthy to be.....well i am perfect now!! hahaha...im the only mother he will ever know...we are a perfect match....no i dont mean im perfect without faults...but my love for him is as perfect as it comes...as raw as it gets...as clear as a glass after you've cleaned it with windex lol..i love my son...

i watched my child this morning...all the stains on my sheets from him sipping on his sippy cup...his leaky diaper....and that little bit of grape jelly that was still on his shirt from last night...haaha..i watched him....he is sooo beautiful....i've always been the mushy type..but man...ive never been like this...the person who will cry over how much someone sooo small can mean to me...(oh what the hell am i talking about?...YES I HAVE!)....that kid.....my little revolutionary...my little eater off the floorer lol....he is my love....he is pure..he is sooo wonderful.....and even with his new found prospective on his own little life...you know that one that all children get at his age...HIS INDEPENDENCE!....and yes thats frustrating to see..but he is soo wonderful to me...i watch him...

i watch his hands move...i look at his little dirty fingernails...(because brother didnt take a bath last night lol)...and i just watch him....i look at my mobile to see the time...and its 530am....wow..."i should try to sleep alittle...i just went to bed at 3am....why am i not sleeping...because i just want to watch my boy....my seed..."

my seed...wow...fertilized by baba (dad in swahili).....and wow....im amazed....im amazed that through our entire relationship...us knowing each other for the years that we did...that kpp is the best thing we have ever done....all the places we'd been...all the internet we'd experienced together ahaha kpp is the best!....this fertilization wasnt planned....but welcomes...i was scared...yet i had courage to love...i felt alone...yet kpp was there with me the whole time....wow..my little seed....he is growing up to be a great little guy....my offspring..he can forever say that "my momma loves me"....(well whenever he feels the need to even speak...shit to even say momma...mom or something..damn...he says dad...but not mom...oh well...i got green eyes like a mofo....cause i see his littel face every morning lol....shit ive changed his dirty diaper more times hahaah and stayed up with him crying...and all he can do is look at me and run away and smile and say...dad...hahaha....hell naw....okay...back to my love explosion)...yeah..god's son..our son....my son...he is the best.....

and i cant wait to disclose to him my inner most feelings about how i felt about him from day one.....and listen to him say..."eewwww mommie....get away from me!"...i cant wait to see him run away from me...because he knows that when i see him i muuuust have a kiss..i cant wait for him to overstand how much i love him....i cant wait to tell him that i would surely lay down my life for his in a given situation...i cant wait....

i just can not wait....

kpp is taking a quick nap...so i can blog ...

I'm tired of being alone in love..

nobody is here to induce my artsy side...prompt my lovey dovey side...work up that side of me thats sooo soft (because lately...im a hard ass hahaha....yeah thats hilarious..ME a hardass...)...no one is here to temp that side of me that will make me get on my knees and give the best fellatio that ive ever given

hahahaah...did i just say that?...yep i did....but i need that...i need someone to excite me...propel me to my highest high....not to say that i do much....not to say when i find this person..i will become president...because i wont...i will just think great thoughts...i will love things again...(not just kpp lol)...i will love my photoshop creations (because lately i feel like everything i do it...blah!)........I've found that I need this motivation.

it seems to me lately that everything is banal and common...It would seem like i shouldnt feel this way...at this point in myu life now that i have the love of kpp.....i guess i want someone to share him with...yeah you may say...he has a father...but we arentcollaborators in love....but he and i dont have that "thing"....that thing i need...and i wont force it.....

yeah its something about THIS loneliness i feel...i think its probably because i have new people around me..people who say they care and love me......but none fo them show it as much as i would like...i always have to be "depressed" for them to care...because usually im the carer..not the careee hahaah thats not a word...but you get my drift lol.....they all just think about themselves...and i keep them around for the little attention i do get from them.....they dont SPARK ME.....have you ever had that feeling...of being in a room full of people...and you still feel all alone...well thats how i feel....some of my friends will probably be upset with me for saying this...they will probably not talk to me for a while...but its true...i listen..they talk...but none of them seem to hear me or give me advice when i soooo need it...or just be easy with me.......their lives revolve around them (which is never a bad thing but dont expect to be my sun because im not revolving around you)......and they seem to love the fact that "luuve will always be there"....so i continue to write on my blog about how boring and loney my life is...instead of writing entertaining and exhilarating blogshit..

i was just about to hit the sack...but i saw this blog...i wont name the blog...well actually i cant remember the name of the blog...haha opps...

this guy calls his girlfriend...."sweets"....and i thought about dad and kpp...i call them both that...

so of course i had to show dad cause he was still up...and
he says...
"dad: you get happy about the smallest things"
then i said....
"Luuvely: yeah i try to live my life like that...makes the big BAD stuff not soo big and bad."....

wow...im happy i get happy over the little things in life...dad probably thinks its a horrible thing...but i think i do because...when the BIG GOOD stuff comes...it is sooooo AWESOME!!!!!

ive been depressed alittle lately...but i feel good tonight.....dad has a really calming spirit for me...(haha i say like..the lord gave him to me hahaha...naw...i just mean he is a good friend to me)...and i thank him for being around when i need him....its nice...im glad we are parents working together to raise a great son....we couldnt be the ideal family..but i thank God that we are making "our family" work...

thank you Lord....because i loooove kpp and i want nothing but the best we can give for him!

night :)

Things I Like in my Mate! oooh so the things that are in white..ive found them in someone...lets shoot for all 25!...or am i asking for tooo much??!!

1. loves my son
2. is spiritual
3. we make great love! meaning ummm great cunnilingus!
4. is kinda romantic but not too mushy! ewww sometimes i hate all that mushy stuff...
5. is clean and organized...but doesnt complain about me being messy..
6. takes me around the friends (sometimes and only the ones i like haahaha!)
7. loves the arts
8. cooks for me
9. open minded...because i can be a freak sometimes lol
10. loves family
11. compassionate yet courageous
12. has great hygiene
13. loves great music!
14. Intelligent...a super smart...geeeekkk! i love geeks!
15. Loves my family...can i really ask that from someone! hahaha...my people are craaazzzy!!!
16. Respects me
17. Strong minded
18. Hardworking but not a work-aholic
19. funny alittle on the goofy side...because i am...
20. Freaky
21. Stable cause i need someone to live with if i get evicted lol
22. Great sex...
23. loves me for the person i am...with all my faults...still loves me...
24. Freaky
25. oh yeah okay...freaky!

im still searching for a job...its depressing really...
i was asked..well when is your money going to run out lol...
ummmmm...i answered....2 weeks ago! lol...my friend laughed...
so i continue to search...its really crutical lol!



oh yeah...so this morning i was really depressed...and sad...about the whole money situation...so i texted dad..and its something about his calming spirit that soothes me...im glad we are friends...

thanks baba! :)

okay..i kinda fixed it...i did some new design..and just wanted to show off alittle...but whatever..okay..i fixed it alittle...ill finish tomorrow...im sleepy :)

oh yeah...

its a little brother concert on friday here in the city...

if you read my blog regularly...you will know the last concert that i reeeallly wanted to go to...was ummmm..jill scott...and you remember i had to go alone...

well this time...i have more friends wanting to go than a few...

i hate my life somedays hahaha...its like...when i reeeaallly want to be with someone...no one is around...and when i reeeally just wanna hang alone...or with one person....everyone says...."wanna go?"...wtf?!

oh well...ill have to talk to corey about it...he is one of the people too...
maybe we will all just go TOGETHER!...hahaha that will be funny...

my friends are soo different..they probably would all hate each other...

i have some real hip hop heads...
who would probably hate the smarty fartys...
then i have those friends who love me...like really are IN LOVE...with me...
who would hate those other friends who im REALLY IN LOVE WITH!...
then i have some great GAY or BI friends...who hate all of my straight friends...
i love my friends...each and every ONE OF THEM!

HAHAHAH I FUCKED MY BLOG UP!!...so i need to try and fix it...i hate the fact that this blogger uses templates...so i cant really do much html! hahaha...

oh well...ill fix it..and it will be great!

i just got off the phone with corey...what is becoming my favorite morning ritual...its usually right when i wake up...but before kpp wakes up...and when kpp wakes up...he is in suuucch a great mood...talking and loving on me...so its soo nice...i stay on the phone alittle while longer...and kpp has reign over the apartment lol...i know he loves the fact that corey calls lololol.....

but anywho corey made something sooo clear to me with this phone call...
that my feelings are NOT more important than the truth"....WOW..no one has ever told me that before...
he always does this little thing...he says he is getting off the phone then he.........keeeeepppps talking...its like ive set myself up for him to get off the phone...prepared myself...got alittle sad with the fact that the phone call will end...and ill have to start my day without his guidance lol...and then.......HE KEEPS TALKING...so now i have to go through my steps again...so i tell him this...and he was like...awww...you are difficult..you know the phone call will end...

but i dont care about that...i still get alittle sad about it..its like telling someone that is greiving that their family member has "gone to a better place" hahaha..thats a bunch of shit...im still sad about it......

and he goes on to say...oops ill get in trouble for doing this..because he hates when you paraphrase his words but i have to right now...he goes on to say...that thats how he lives his life...thats how he "snaps back"...because he understands that truth is more important than his feelings...wow...i love him...or did i already say that lol....he teaches me sooo much...and i like that about our relationship...he probably doesnt think he does..buthe does...some days he says things that are soo profound..but then other days...i would rather change a dirty diaper than to talk to him hahaaha...(dont tell him i said that lol)..but even on those days...i love talking to him...

i talked to corey last night on the phone and got emotional..."ie...almosted started to cry"...so i got off the phone...

he is soo good to me...he called me as soon as he got home from work...7:26am lol...he was just calling to "check up on me"...i cherish his friendship...we are always talking about we need an easy relationship...and the best thing so far is ours...i enjoy talking to him...unlike othe folks!!!

ive been kinda feeling depressed lately...but im slowly coming out of it...i think that not having a job and my money is slowly leaving my bank account is the root cause lol...you know being a broke bastard will always make you sad...

some days i just wish though...it can be like it used to be...i used to be a broke bastard lol with a job...but still i had someone to spend my time with "dramafree"...even if all we did was eat at fast food resturants lol...or sit on the net...or ummmmm you know...we never really did anything.....but we were happy with it...you know..and when we did do things..they were the highlight of the day...lol...i loved it...it was nice...always comfortable...even if we fought...thats easy relationship...i never want to work harder at a relationship than my mate works...its not funl....but is it really one for me out there??...

so i told derek...he seemed to be in outerspace when i told him...

i donno what he thinks of me sometimes lol...its weird...

but at this point...i have 25 more times...to get an A+ and i cant wait!!! lol

daaaaammmn...i dont know what the fuck i be thinking...(ebonics i know...but what would be the best way to say that lol...i dont know what im thinking!...naw...i love ebonics!)...

damn i do shit...and i think ive thought it out...but when its all said and done...it usually isnt...

so now...ive been up all damn night...thinking about my actions...since 4am! lol...im a nutcase!

i need to talk to my "doctor" lol maybe he can help me in this....or maybe not...i couldnt even see myself telling him "THIS!" hahahaa...



could i tell corey...hell naw...he would be jealous..
could i tell end...hell naw...lol end would go nuts on me...
could i tell e...hell naw...she would just look at me....and laugh...and say "i knew it" lol
who can i tell...

ummm i got it...I WILL TELL MY BESTEST FRIEND...DEREK! LOL...he has always listened to me without judgement...even when he wants to scream...what the fuck is wrong with you..lol..yeah he is the only person i could tell "THIS" to...

oh god! hahahahahahaha!!!

well over the weekend r&e gave me some unwarranted advice...

said i basically need to scratch everyone off my list...and start fresh...

i donno if i will do that..but it was something they thought they should share...

its weird that i talk to them..and they give me this advice because they think its best for me...

i donno...they are crazy...but i love them both...

one day ill take their advice... :)

i keep getting myself into weird situations....i think i do this because i am having some urges i cant seem to get resolved....lol...well hell i dont really need to be doing that lol...

so i put myself into very ummmm naughty situations lol...i never actually do anything...but it only leaves me wanting to...and the other person hating me for leading them on lololol...but damn...im a scorp and i cant help it...that damn beast!!....if im not getting it...i at least have to play around and act like ill do it lololol...

oh well...i really just want to go ahead and do it....but i want to find the right person....not just a fling you know...



okay i need a break from that....here is something...

have you ever been accussed of cheating before??
if so? did it make you want to cheat??
after all the accusations..did you go ahead and cheat?

okay im back to the topic that i started out with...URGES...



okay so the urges are still around.....they come over me every once and a while...and im really trying but cant fight it...im weak as hell...i try to be a good girl...you know...wait...but damn....this is getting really hard lol..no pun intended lol...

so ill just say this...im waiting...im patient...and the day will come :)




i always said the next person i got with i wanted the relationship to be easy...but damn it seems like even the folks ive dated are afraid of themselves...i guess thats why i wait...wait to really get it going...for real get it going...

yeah its like they are afraid to be emotional...afraid of what someone will think...i dont know about you...but i respect people more if they are open and honest...if they are their true self...

take ummm "hijinks" for example...i love him because he knows he is a jackass lol and he shows it everyday lol...and i tell him everyday lol that he is...he knows that he is mean and i understand that lol....mean bastard!!! lol but see i laugh about it and we keep it moving....i hope you are reading this!!!

take ummm "corey" he is very unorganized...his thoughts; his home...and i love him too...because he isnt afraid to say it...he isnt afraid to come across as being unorganized...he isnt afraid to slow down and think...or to clean up lol......he knows whats wrong with him and he says it...

but damn other folks lol...they dont understand nor do they get it...just be you...be your true self...and if people like you..they like you...if they dont they dont...at least you are being honest...and true...

lol take me...i know im a lightweight mean "b" lol...but i can be a sweetie too...well when i fell loved anyway lol...i mean when i feel something i show it...and when i think something i say it...so there is never any doubt in the people's mind around me whats going on...i used to loose out alot because i never said how i felt...but now...i think my good friends respect me for it..love me for my honest...and cherish my emotions...lol i said my good friends...not you freaks i hang with lol

and yeah being myself you know the all emotional luuvelyladdy has caused me some pain...but you know what...i love me...and usually folks will stay around because they love me...or like me lol...and when they leave...i keep moving...

i just wish people around me would be more honest about themselves..and not afraid to be who they really are...

i guess i shouldnt really even care...i should let it go..and leave them alone...dont take their phone calls, text or emails lol but i love freaks lol i guess i love to complain about them lol...



night :)

this hurricane has got me super sad..

everytime i turn on the damn tv there it is..and then another one of george bush's fools...condi rice!

read what she has been doing lately....

Yesterday, Rice went shopping at Ferragamo on Fifth Ave. According to the Web site www.Gawker.com, the 50-year-old bought "several thousand dollars' worth of shoes" at the pricey leather-goods boutique.

A fellow shopper shouted, "How dare you shop for shoes while thousands are dying and homeless!" - presumably referring to Louisiana and Mississippi.

The woman expressing her First Amendment rights was promptly removed from the store. A Ferragamo store manager confirmed to us that Rice did shop there yesterday, but refused to answer questions about whether the protester was removed, and whether by his own security or the Secret Service.


more bullshit!!!!

i've found the kayne west video...check it out...

its plenty of videos on that site...i looove that site..always have..and now you see how journalists feel..ive always loved geraldo...eventhough he is a fool...i still love him..he can cry on que...lol...but is he lying about anything? let those folks get out of there!! dont barcade them in! let them go!!!

it is killing me to watch it all unfold...but i cant take my eyes off the tv...i cant stop watching...thank god for saturday night and boring tv....nothing is on...

while we up north continue with our daily lives...just think about the people down south...they still have no food...no water...no nothing...

my father is down in jackson mississippi...its a ways from the gulfcoast but they are feeling effects...and although he has electricity...my grandparents and sister still dont....he and my uncle set up a generator at my grandparents home...but think...you need gas to keep it running..the lines are long...and when you get up to the front...the sign reads..
"NO GAS!"....is this really happening...IN AMERICA??!!!

its scary...im afraid..im afraid for my people...im afraid for people in mississippi, louisiana, florida, alabama...where is the help? when will they get it...

then just think...all those little towns in mississippi...where this disaster hit...but the town is sooo small that the relief is passing right by them...

read this....what do small town residents do? when all the help is going to places like biloxi??...man its wild...have we forgotten about them? damn...what is really going on here???!!!


then read this...


Newt Blasts Bush

"I think it puts into question all of the Homeland Security and Northern Command planning for the last four years, because if we can't respond faster than this to an event we saw coming across the Gulf for days, then why do we think we're prepared to respond to a nuclear or biological attack?" said former House Speaker Newt Gingrich....read on

Ezra Klein: He's neither able to effectively deploy government or call on his friends outside of it. He's just incompetent, as I said before, a small man in a big office. He speaks the language of small government conservatism because it gets him elected, pushes big government solutions because they prove easiest, but is so separated and uninterested in the whole enterprise that the result is a wreck of incoherence and unexpected outcomes....read on

Even La Shawn Barber isn't thrilled: "I’m ashamed of this country and its bumbling leadership today... Billions we spend, and all we have to show for it are four-day-old corpses on the side of the road, starving and injured people, and women and children being raped by animals who shouldn’t even be alive.

so now you tell me am i wrong for feeling the way i feel??...this is soo sad...and still to this day...there has been no help...no help to small cities...no help to fucking larges cities...

if this were another terrorist attack..what do you think would happen?? we gave all the power to our president...naw...he took all the power...because we were in a "war on terror!" and now look?? he has the power and is not doing a damn thing with it!

man this country...my country tis of thee....tis of who??

My country,' tis of thee, (tis of who? where is my government...so what if i didnt vote...i pay taxes...so what if im poor...i still pay taxes...so what if im on welfare...i still pay taxes...so what if i do nothing...IM STILL A HUMAN BEING!)

sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing; YEAH WE TALK ABOUT AMERICA AND HOW GREAT A COUNTRY IT IS...but is it any different than any place else?? no...i wouldnt want to live any place else...but would you think this would have ever happened here??

land where my fathers died, yeah....my fathers died here...and down in the south where hurricane katrina has flattened everything...they are still dying..not because of the disaster...but because our government is a joke...


folks sing this damn song?? why...i cant say ive ever been a political person...yeah i watch and read all the news i can..but im not political...i vote but i dont believe it helps...and to think...folks voted for bush...and everyone says...this fuck up is on the local level... this is state level..no this is on a human level...after a day when our national government saw that the state didnt have control...after they saw folks dying..they shouldve stepped in...folks are still not out of their houses...

just think...if this was you??...

we better start praying and praying today...my GOD!...help us all!

Although my immdiate family is in mendenhall and jackson mississippi and doing as well as can be with electricity since this all happened...im still sad...but im happy they are okay...but im still sad...

im more angry and upset...but there is nothing i can do...except pray and give the little money i do have to the relief efforts...

here is where i gave...after receiving an email from my second mom...im trying to find other private sectors..because after 911 i cant truely trust the damn redcross!.....

here is where i gave...after receiving an email from my second mom...im trying to find other private sectors..because after 911 i cant truely trust the damn redcross!.....

you find someplace to give...naw im not trying to sound all holier than though..but this is the time where 5 dollars is more than nothing...at least that can get you some water and toliet paper.....hell if you dont want to give...at least send a prayer up..

i guess why im the most upset is because our nation...a nation who does everything for everyone else..in a mater of 24 hours or less...didnt do what was needed for our country...for its own people...

i guess im upset because its 2005..seems like we have everything else...but when it comes to the bare necessities of survival we fail...we cant even supply water to folks...fuck a shower..to drink..we cant even give the dying a drink of water...damn...

i guess my anger comes from those scenes at the convention center..a place where folks were TOLD to go for safety..and to hear and read that it is now in 2 inches on feces...i guess thats why im upset..

i guess because ive been obessessed about this for days...i guess its because no one has even mentioned on the news about the vietnamese people..on the other side of new orleans..that are still under water...that are still needing to be rescued..but the rescue teams cant get them...because when they strike out to get them...they find all these other people that are half dead and dying...so they have to pick them up...and take them to safer places...just think...folks are still in this water...ive been to lousisana..i grew up right next door..i know there are swamps...i know there are alligators...animals...dont you think if you dont die from dehydration you will die because an animal came through and ate you up??...and no one shows or talks about that on tv...what the fuck is really going on?


yeah yeah yeah...im in cincinnati ohio..i have electric...yeah gas is high but we have it..i know im not down there..i can only rant and rave about it...but you know what...my thoughts are these...

if it can happen in new orleans...a great city known allll around the damn world...for its jazz...its mulitculturalism...its great food...its soul..its mardi gras..its partying...if it can happen in a "happening" place..in a place full of life...i know damn well it can happen here in cincinnati..if that ohio river flooded...what would the government do...no no...im not talking about the floods of the past...im talking about if something radical like what happened in new orleans happened up here..what would happen..our governor is under investigation for some crazy shit...our mayor is a patsy...so if something radical happened like that up here...what do you think would happen...i think thats were my anger comes from...my fear...

oh damn i forgot...its rich white folks here...they would be here in a damn millisecond...bush would be on the first plane to survey the damn damage here...i forgot this is a fucking RED STATE...shit a RED CITY!!!

"the scene of the gulfcoast pulls the racial scab right off of this country"...(i heard CHRIS MATTHEWS SAY that on tv this morning) fuck that...there hasnt been in damn healing in this country...you want me to tell you why??

because of shit like this...all you see on tv...is black folks...majority poor and old...and the government dont give a fuck about us..because they think we dont vote...we dont buy enough...we dont care about politics...well im here to tell you...I DO......and i care about my people...i wish there was something more i could do...because at this point i sound like an idiotic christian..."lets pray about it"...but let me tell you...

praying about this one..wont be enough...you have to give...you have to DO!

i got an email from my second mom last night..in the email it read...."faith without works is dead"...

so along with my prayer went some money...money i knew i couldnt really afford to give...but you know what...faith without works it dead to god...to me...so there was no question on giving it...

if im on my blog talking shit about the american government i must be willing to do something...even if its alittle...

damn...damn...damn...my people down there..my family down there....they dying...show that shit on tv....show it all...so you uppity folks will stop asking dumb ass questions......

"well why are they shooting?...why would you loot?"

do you really have to ask that question...here is a test...dont feed your child...dont flush your toilet...dont bathe...eat a piece on a peanut butter sandwich and drink a liter of water for 4 days..no better yet...that one sandwich goes to you and your family...of ummm lets say 3 kids...and lets see what the fuck you do...

im looting every damn store...stealing clothes..stealing pampers for my son..milk....and then when the fucking police come...im throwing it down...putting my hands up and saying..."put me in jail!"..because you know they have food..the police have gas...

yeah thats what the fuck im doing...

ask me why folks are shooting..because they want to be first..they are tired of living at the convention center with little to no damn water and food...and no one to soothe their fears.....they want out..they want to be first...oh hell yeah..im pushing the line...im pushing folks out of my way...so me and my son can get the fuck outta there...

so okay now be a dumb ass and ask why are they looting and shooting..yeah there is your damn answer..

yeah i know the saying "a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch"...but do they really??

FUCK NO...you throw away the bad ones and keep the good ones...shit sometimes you even cut the bad part off the bad apples...so whats the problem when it comes to human beings...fuck those thugs up who are robbing and raping..fuck them up...if you listened to the mayor at all..he said he thinks its drug addicts...you know trying to get a fix...trying to take the edge off..thats why they are robbing the hospital...wouldnt you if you were a drug addict...

damn im sooo pissed!!!

ps...see i got through this whole thing without one word about our great president...there is no words to describe what i think of him at this point...he is the president of this said great country and he sits back for 4/5 days watching folks die like you and me have done on tv...and does nothing...wow...what happened...did he get the "real video" or something...did they show him what they havent showed us? did they show him some footage of folks dying...with shit around them...what happened yesterday to make him have that damn press conference..what a great man...what a great fucking man! I applaud him...for showing me that he gives a fuck about the united states people..and especially about black folks...thank you mr president! THANK YOU!

pss..i see i have something in common with one of these fuck ups...the mayor of new orleans speaks...

READ WHAT HE HAS TO SAY!

oh yeah...my friend robert felt slighted that i didnt mention him in my blog...seeing as though we have been hanging out alittle lately...

so robert...here is to you...


roooooooobbbbbeeerrrrtttt ;)

ok yeah this just might do it!! hahaha

hahaha...i hope this post makes that freaking video go awwwwayy!!

i love you hijinks! but you gots to get!! lol

oooh i have new pics..and new stuff to talk about...okay lets get started...

the new pics are of me and kpp...he is getting sooo freaking big! its wonderful..yet i miss the little baby...he is very independent...unless he needs me for something...i hate this stage....he isnt as sweet as he used to be!! lol i want my baby back baby back lol...he is a good boy though..very polite..and knows how to say..."thanks" lol...its very cute to see....ill have to post a little video pretty soon...

lets see whats been going on...NOTHING! lol..i think its about time for me to find a "job" you know like one outside of the home..the money was really good for a while...but i think i should do it partime now...

and what has been going on in my ummm not so love life...NOTHING! i need a better one...

okay here are some pictures...

here is kpp trying to do a flip on the couch...his new little thing...


here is another one...


and wow he is getting soo freaking big...he is soo cute..yeees i love my son...


then him trying to walk in my shoes...thats not that hard to do lol...


oh yeah...here is him licking his tongue out...


oooh and man he is soo mean...he has this new little face he does...he balls up his mouth...and says...oooooh! lol...i cant stand when he does it...i told him the other day...he cant be meaner than me..its impossible..


oh yeah so everytime i take a picture of him..he tries to close down my flash...he is getting really smart...yeees im addicted to my son lol...


oh yeah and yesss this is the reason im addicted to him...HE IS SOO FREAKING CUTE!!!


and finally my new favorite set of pictures...




okay...enough of us..im done..enough of us...

night :)

nothing again...:)

lol...im just doing this entry to get the play havoc off lol...

today is my sisters bday...my sister emily!...she is 30!!! wow...she sounded pretty good on the phone..happy and loving life...

i love my sister...i love them both...and i love how we are...i hadnt talked to her in a minute...but when i called or if they call me...we dont harp on the fact that we dont keep in touch everyday...we are just us...and i love us...i love the way we are together...and apart...

she is down in mississippi loving life...im proud of her..and happy for her...she is a "rolling stone" never had any kids..so she has the luxury of moving from one place to the other and living kinda carefree...i used to have that luxury..but im too homey for that...

yeah she is great...i love her...sometimes i used to wish like i could be like her...but im happy with me...but i do so love her....

she is funny...loving..and the life of every party..a leo! lol...

happy birthday big sister! :) love you :)

it would seem like i have alot going on..since i havent updated my blog in a while...

but guess what...i dont do a thing!

im not busy..i dont go anywhere....i just watch videos and read books with my son...and you know do the ebay thing...

so tell me...whey cant i update my blog on a regular basis...I DONNO!...


okay..whats been going on...

im going to my class reunion in october...10 whole years...wow..seems more like 5 or 6...the tshirt is done...and it looks really nice...

what else...my son is getting bigger!...he took this picture at the picture people the other week...with his little short haircut! lol he is a goofy little kid...


i couldnt believe he took that...needs to be on a box or something...with some wild slogan underneath...

ha!

what else..ebay business is going pretty good...thats about it really...
nothing exciting...i wish..but there isnt...

my life as a 28 year old single mother lol...how lame..

okay...umm....dang not even a new picture....

ive been just being lazy..and chilling..

i donno..maybe this weekend something will happen..and give me something to write about...

but until then...adios :)

i did it? you ask.....YEAH RIGHT!!...i didnt have the chance...

the conversation was weird...not really weird just not the right time...

so i didnt...i couldnt...

not the right time...

maybe today...maybe tomorrow...i was really ready last night...

but ill give it time...

okay im off to do my laundry...its 750am!!! can you believe this???!!

i didnt get to bed til about 3am!!! oh my goodness...

wow...ive been feeling like this thing i have going on is slowly coming to an end...

i just feel like i need to say something...i donno if me saying something will change anything...will it change our relationship??...will it make it worst? or make things better??...i donno...

I KNOW I KNOW...IM ALWAYS SOO VAGUE ABOUT THINGS ON MY BLOG...

well okay....back to what i was saying...i want to say something to "this person" but i dont know how it will be taken...will it be too much for them...i donno...i wanted to say it the other night..but i was scared....lately ive been feeling alone...i know i shouldnt feel so alone..but i do...

will i have the courage to speak?? i donno..i hope so...tonight is the night...

the worst that can happen is that i go to bed feeling reaalllly bad lol oh well...but on the other hand...they will think the same...and i will go to bed with this weight (not that its a bad weight lol) lifted off my shoulders!!!!

night :)

ps...ill tell you how it went in the morning!!

so im loving my job...im a seller on ebay now...

check me out...

my ebaystore!! FOREVERNAYLA!!!!

i really enjoy doing this...i guess because im compulsive lol...

but anyway...i love it...and im making some money...and it has really made me alittle happier...



so check me out sometimes...my name on ebay is forevernayla!!

well guys the hot days are over!! lol my air conditioner is now working...
i get sooo much joy out of the little things in life..
you know like walking into a cool house...when ive been outside all day!!
its great...


well lets see..whats been going on with me..nothing really...

me and my friend krystal have been having a really weird relationship lately...seems like she is being really needy lately...so i told her what someone told me...we are spending too much time together lol...

she kinda got upset...said if i were a "real friend" i would understand that she is in a bad position and needs support right now...well...im soo over the drama lately...well this is the "back story"...

krystal and i used to be "ace boon coons" lol..and we used to do everything together...everything...i would leave work..and she would pick me up...just to hang...well after i got pregnant..she was alittle put off by it..meaning..."i would no longer be her ace...you know to do things with"...i would be "in the house" with a baby...and being a "mom"...well fine by me..is what i said..and we didnt talk for the longest time...sooo ummm....she gets together with someone..they are in a semi serious relationship...well come to find out...i went on a date with this person lol...i didnt know she was dating the guy..but lol oh well...so somehow...she found out me and this fool went on one date...and tried to be sneaky and i guess catch me in a lie...so she called me one night..and asked what had i been doing lately..."wow..just outta no where like that she calls me...after months of not talking because i had a baby! bitch lol"....i was suprised...we talked for hours..i told her about some guy i went on a date with..you know the guy she dated....who made me feel like a piece of meat....you know right after i had kpp..not right after..but time isnt that important right now...so i had these huuuge breasts..well yeah i got some big ones lol but man right after i had kpp..whoah...headlight central lol...they were like double the size lol and popping out of whatever shirt i had on...lol...well that night at dinner he couldnt keep his eyes off the boobies lol..so that was the last date......okay anyway...im telling k all this stuff about him..blah blah blah...and she goes..guess what....im dating the same guy...i said..wow..small world..."well you can have him..he didnt seem to be "my type" anyway"..and we all know what MY TYPE IS...lol yeah ive made some really big mistakes but i have ONLY ONE TYPE...well lol that was that..sooo after that some how..she started calling me more...we started hanging out more..i think to keep tabs on me lol from dating her guy lol..but like i said...she can have him lol...

so fast forward...now its like we are back to the old hanging out days...kpp loves her lol...i think he loves women with long hair lol...you know the "high yellah helfas (southern ghetto slang lol) skin big boobie type lol like his momma...lol...as soon as he sees her..he smiles..its kinda weird because he doesnt see her that often..but he knows her...

okay anywho...we are hanging out alot lately..and well..that guy i talked about earlier..who i dated and now she got really serious about him...well...HE DUMPED HER...and i guess im her new shoulder to cry on...for about four months now...

she makes all her "other" friends mad...because of the way she is...you know the kind...geminis...she is a gemini...and her "other" friends dont know how to deal with her mix matched personality...you know..one day she's a social butterfly the next day she's a hermit in the house not answering any calls...well...i find myself okay with either..and i guess she has noticed that...and likes that about me...so she calls my house 24/7 now...and wants my help with everything..i guess i should shut up and be her friend...but man..i feel used lately...when we talk..its always about her..and her life...because you know.."you're a mother...you have no life" is what she told me...so ummm....yeah lol this friendship will come to an end pretty soon lol...i guess im just waiting on that big day lol...

okay..so i guess i did have something going on...



ooooooooooooooooooh yeah...i want to see "common!"...he is coming to cincinnati august 4th!!!!!

i guess i should be grateful that im not homeless..or that kpp and i dont have to go without food...or that we have plenty clean clothes to wear...shoot and plenty clothes to wash! lol...

so i wont complain tonight that my airconditioner doesnt work...well it works...my little brother just noticed that the cord was burnt...so i wont plug it in!!

so yeah...i wont complain! lol...i reeeally want to..because im sooooo

HOT NATURED! (the words of a southern woman lol)...

so me and kpp got in the bed tonight...well...we took baths first...and got in the bed...with the fan directly on us!...and tried to sleep...he tossed and turned for a bit...before he dozed off...and me...well...by the time i finally got to sleep...

MY PHONE RINGS!!!

now if you know me..you know i hate to hear a phone ringing lol...ESPECIALLY WHEN IM SLEEPING!!!...oh my goodness...im just glad it was my "other mother" and not someone else...OR THEY WOULDVE GOTTEN AN EARFULL!! of some choice curse words lol...(but if you know me..you know not to call me that late anyways...(except corey!!)...)

well so now im up...its 1235am!!...and im trying not to complain about my airconditioner...when PRAISE THE LORD!!!...ITS STARTS RAINING!!...oh my goodness...

i guess it was the lords way of letting me know when im not complaining about the little things...he will send a cool breeze my way...

well tonight (this morning) i just want to say...

thank you LORD!

night :)

lol so kpp got a "REAL" hair cut today...lol it was kinda cute at first...but now i hate it lol!!!!

so here goes...






and this is my poor childs hair lol...awwwww...


you all know what he looked like before lol..so we wont give the before and after...

BUT WOW...HE LOOKS REALLY DIFFERENT LOL...when i got him out of dad's car today..i was like wow...he isnt SAMPSON! ANYMORE!!!



oh well...I CANT WAIT TIL IT GROWS BACK!!!

awww..yesterday was the 1st birthday of my good friends daughter...PNA...she is soo adorable...and kpp had such a great time at the party...i got a chance to catch up with some people i hadnt seen in a while and make some new friends....

well me and "c"(pna's mom) talked about kpp's party and about pna's party...and we've decided that the 2nd bday parties will be at some where other than our homes....after you spend on decorations...party supplies...partying gifts lol...cake...food...clean up...cook...you couldve went to some other place lol...we both agreed that the 1st birthday too young for kids to go someplace..but wow...these places like chuck e cheese or gameworks...they make it worth coming to their facilities to party...

well kpp was one of only two boys there lol...and wow...ive heard people say that boys and girls are totally different but damn!....boys kinda terrorize things lol...kpp was on the stairs..messing with the radio...throwing ballooons...walking around lol...while the girls...sat quietly and colored lol...the other little boy...lennox....he was soo mean! lol...messing with the radio...hitting folks...hahaha...well just his aunt...because she was messing with him lol....but it was just really weird to see...and "c" wants a boy! lol...ha!...YEAH RIGHT...

you know i wouldnt trade kpp for the world....but being around those girls makes me appreciate my rough and tough son...the girls were kinda BORING!! LOL...

okay so of course i took lots of pics...



and you remember i talked about my great trip to columbus...well here is kpp...in his izod lacoste...he is soo freaking adorable lol

i have this feeling in my stomach...at first i thought it was pms...but after talking to a friend lol i now know otherwise lol...

so im reading my email today..and im a member of this poets site...well these are the two poems...i thought it was intresting that i would get them today lol...

Could We Capture What Was
by Hope

I am still at the same place
Again wishing upon a star
Hoping dreams come true
As I pondered where you are

Gazing as bright stars glow
Each one sparkling above
The same wishes I repeat
Whispered with words of love

Within every wish I whisper
Its your touch I still yearn
I am so lonely without you
Would my dream ever return

Every loving wish I conveyed
As the stars shone around
I'm wishing with all my heart
A love I lost can still be found

Hoping my wishes will travel
Where loving flames ignite
Could we capture what was
In reaching my dream tonight

With Love From Cincinnati
by Loving Erea

I sit here watching the sun’s demise
Into the western sky
Missing your sweet blue loving eyes
As the afternoon goes by

Though only hours away from you
My heart is still in pain
Your love and tenderness, I miss
As I strive for monetary gain

Only months ago I would have been
Happy to be away
Until you found me and took me on
To love another day

The full moon rises, I stop to stare
Such a pretty sight
But not as beautiful my wonderful dear
Were you with me tonight

I miss you as if I would never know
Your loving arms again
Yet comfort lies deep in my soul
You are there within
I have never met a soul mate before
And never will again
I love you my sweet, more
Than anyone has ever been before

FUNNY HUH?!!!! LOL...the irony which is my life lol....GOOD NIGHT!!! ;)

yes im going to bed this early..i have noooo life lol...

im watching the movie butterfly effect..and wow..it makes me think....

if i had the power to go back in time and change things that have happen...would i?...

some things i would love to change...but when i think about it...if i change one thing...everything changes...

so would i?

no.....

when i think about my life...its not bad...lol...i think the things that ive been through have made me the person that i am......

and i love this me...
i love this life i lead...

thank you lord...:)

damn...this entire week...ive just been up waaay too late...i cant sleep...its wild....

well let me try again...

night... :)

awww i had the best weekend!!!

like i felt sooo good...just the atmosphere...not having to worry about anything..laughing...it was really nice...

thanks to pops, lee, jay, and especially jb...

jb is sooo good to me...always has been...

we went to see fantastic four on friday and did some shopping at easton mall...( in columbus)

then went to pops house and chilled out...pops talks sooo loud...its soo hilarious...jb says its because he cant hear...i just think he has a big mouth on top of not being able to hear lol...

its weird i was telling jb last night...that i felt really weird being around him...like how we were..it was nice...

i donno what happened over the weekend but something happened...i feel different...happier...and i donno...im kinda scared...and im kinda at the point where i want a change...i need a change..i need that soul changing thing.....but i want it all to be right...i have to be patient....

i want everything to be right this time.....i just cant do things like i used to...i cant just pop up and make major decisions in minutes...like i used to..i have kpp now...and he is the life of the party...so if things arent good by him...they arent good...

ooooooooooooh man!! my weekend was sooo damn good...man i donno what to think about it all...im alittle scared really...the things that happened...im scared...i want to say something about it...i want to say how i feel...but i wont...i will just sit back and wait til the time is right...until its time to say it....

its funny because i dont even think he felt me when i tapped on his hand lol...i wonder if he did...lol :)

new pics of the boy!

wow...today i braided his hair..i think it came out pretty cute lol...so now he is the background on my cellphone lol...

damn its been a minute since i last blogged!! forgive me lol (damn i act like im some blogging queen and folks read my blog everyday faithfully! ha!)

well whats been up? ummm nothing much...

im selling more things on ebay...trying to make a come up...because i dont want a "real job" lol

taking pictures of "stuff" and selling them to a design firm...because again...i dont want a "real job" lol...

hanging out with my son...so i can tell people im a stay at home mom...because i dont want to feel bad because i dont have a "real job" lol..

i donno..i love being home with my son!!...i love taking pics of "stuff" and i love ebaying...and hey...fuck it lol...its getting me some money...so ill keep doing it til it dies down..


my friend derek is getting married...he asked his "live in" girlfriend to marry him..and he texted me saying "SHE SAID YES!!" lol its kinda funny to me that he would text saying that...because i assumed he KNEW she would say yes lol...men are funny!

oh yeah dad's first cousin died...which has been really sad...she and i were pregnant together...and i donno...she has 3 children...who are now left motherless and fatherless...after the oldest two's father died a year ago...and the youngest...im not quite sure where her father is...but its just a really sad situation..she was only 27...

and my only thoughts about it all is..life is soo short...especially when you are a parent...i just want to spend all my time with kpp...so if anything happens...we have great memories..lots of pictures...and love that will last two lifetimes...man i love this kid...im watching him sleep right now...

i love how his body moves a little when he breaths in and out...how he sucks his fingers until he falls asleep...he is such a great kid...and i looooove him sooo much...

so you ask...you arent working yet? lol and my answer is "hell no...i love my son too much lol...im still getting paid severance!!!!" lol

sooooo im helping my friend nikki find some cute clothes the other day in the mall...

some days she can look really pretty and feminine...but other days...she looks like a boy!

so we are in my favorite store lol (only because im a big girl! lol) LANE BRYANT....and the sales associate comes to help us in our never ending cycle of trying to dress cute lol...

she comes over...(ummm lets call her katie)...

katie: hey guys
us: hi
katie:what are you looking for
me: something for her to put with this SKIRT...
katie: you would wear that with this skirt...(while i hold up a shirt)
me: umm no .....(but thinking nikki would)
me: yeah im trying to find her some CUTE clothes...so she doesnt look sooo gay...or like a little boy....(talking about nikki)
katie: do you think i look like a lesbian
me: umm yeah! (she has on some blue jean outfit..wrinkles..pants sagging...black shirt...hair pulled back...damn i wish i had a cameraphone)...
katie: "laughs".... well let me help you find her something

well as katie walks around in hopes of finding something "cute"...nikki and i keep on looking...well we come up with something on our own...while katie says something like...

"ooh you are trying to DE-DYKE-ATIZE her..."

and ooooh my god!! nikki and i died laughing...because yeah its funny..but man its soo true....

i am trying to dedykeatize her...lol......and so she looks pretty lol...(yeah yeah yeah lol i know im a priss!)....AND! so when we are together folks arent looking at us lol

but then the jacked up part about it is....i was listening to india aire...and her song "video"...says...

I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But I learned to love myself unconditionally,
Because I am a queen
When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it’s suppose to be
And I know my creator didn’t make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my Lips, my eyes, I’m loving what I see

it was just really intresting that we would be going through all of this "change".....and i think..is she doing this for me? because i like to look pretty??..she wants to look pretty when we are around each other lol?? Lol...

i feel like that what song says..when i, luuvely, look in the mirror...im fine with how i look..my fat stomachl...my big legs...my fat short fat fingers lol...my big butt...my eyes...my lips...my thighs...im loving what i see......and want people around me to look good and love themselves too.......i donno...

i always think...if someone doesnt takes the time to look in the mirror at themselves..they are afraid of something...they are afraid of what they may see...if someone doesn't care about their outward appearance...i feel like...something is going on..on the inside...i guess this is what im trying to do with her...have her look pretty on the outside...and somehow all that pretty will seep itself down to her spirit...

i know whenever i feel sad...if i look in the mirror or put on something cute...it always brightens my spirit....so i donno...

should i except her for the person she is...this selfloathing "my life is bad" ...complaining about everything lol...(because the rain dropped on her lip! her words)...hates her "boney legs (her words)"....lol....a person who doesnt even look in the mirror in the morning (her words lol) lol...or do i try and help her to see that she is beautiful and loved...

and no no no...a skirt wont do it...but i think when she tried on some of the clothes she saw that she is really pretty...she saw that she is great...and loved..and can be happy...can be herself...and not overdress and madeup..just her...pretty..natural....and alittle girlie girl lol...hahaaaha (YES IM PRISSY!!).

or do i forget about it all..and leave her alone?? i donno...let her be whomever she wants to be..and let it go??

lol my sister called me last night and said..."you didnt tell me happy birthday...and its almost over....."....it was like 10pm or something...she is sooo crazy...so i said happy birthday and we talked while she waited to have dinner and watch the basketball game with my cousin...it was his gift to her...lol...we are all alike yet different lol...give me and her sports and food...and you got us in your pocket lol...

wow....we are getting older...im glad she called me...i kept having this weird dream about my mother having a breakdown...and in the dream my sister kept saying weird things...(getting on my nerves)....i kept telling her to shut up...she would have a turn to talk...lol...im sooo bossy!!!...even in my dreams lol....i guess thats why she was in my dream...it was her birthday!!!....my self conscience mind was telling me to call her lol...

im really happy she is happy about turning a year older...its nice...i know when my mother turned thirty i thought she was dying....my mother told us to go outside to play.....while closing her room's door.....and my sister gathered us together (because she was the oldest) and made us do what my mother said...we had a porch connected to the front of the house...my mother's bedroom window was right on the front porch...she had sheers up to her window...so i could see right through...i saw her laying on the bed..with her face in the pillow....its wild..because i can remember this like it was yesterday...well...i asked faith, my oldest sister, while we looked in my mothers window... "whats wrong with her??..." and my sisters response was..."she turned 30 today..."...it always seemed like my sister knew everything...(still does kinda)...she always knew what the grown ups were doing and where they were going......and i knew if i asked her..she would know...well my reply to this was...."wow!!" i was thinking..."MAN!!!!..she must really be sad...she is about to die!!!"...( i was only 11 years old lol)....so i got really sad from seeing my mother crying.....not knowing that i wouldnt think thirty was soo bad...shoot...i think its a great age to be..lol...

well for years i always dreaded turning the big 30...but now..that im getting closer and closer to that age...i find myself rather happy...people will respect you alittle bit more...and respect the fact that.."you've been through something"..........

so koooootoooooossss to my big sister..HAPPY BIRTHDAY! LOL......she isnt 30...lol she is over 30...and LOVING LIFE!...

love ya!!!