happiness starts within...

i was soo sad earlier..you can tell my blog...i just got finish putting my son to sleep..and he has only been here for alittle while but damn lol he wore me ouuuut!!! lol...

but as i was holding him...i was just thinking...wow..this kid is the best gift ive ever been given...forget about love...forget about how sucky your day went...forget about all that stuff...and enjoy him...enjoy this wonderful gift that god gave me....

so needless to say...im smiling...i was hanging out with my girlfriend after work and with all the talking about my sucky day...which isnt even important to me now...i just got sooo sad...like damn...i cant wait for that job to be over..and to move on...and i cant stand some folks in my family lol but it will get better...and then with all the love talk..the ups and downs of my past love...i just got soo down...but now...awwwww im smiling

its not important...when dad and my son was at the door tonight...my spirit just lefted...i looked at them through the peephole...with the tears still filling my eyes...i tried to wipe them away quickly.....and it was amazing lol...dad was trying to cover his face...to hide him from me...well to hide me from kpp...just playing with kpp....i wanted to smile this huuuuge smile...but the previous tears wouldnt let me...you know i mean i had these tears still in my eyes...but again i wiped them and i let them on in...and dad immediately started to undress him...i could tell he saw some sadness in my eyes because he really didnt say a word...and i was just standing back watching...like aww..they look soo freaking cute...and i smiled....i just wiped those old tears away agin...and smiled...and just kinda waiting on the sidelines for dad to giiiive me my boy..thats always the routine lol...when they come in...i get the boooy...but tonight it didnt happen like that..i guess because he saw me sad or something.....seems like tonight he was hoggin all the lovin lol...but i just watched them together...it was cute...how kpp looks at him...i always want them to share time together and bond...and i never want to stand in the way of it...so it seemed like tonight something was different...i just stood back and watched them...i guess seeing them together made me even more happy....and its like whenever im being a mean "baby momma" lol its because i want them to be just like hey were tonight all the time...for kpp to never miss out on his father's love...

its crazy...i just see how i am...im such an emotional person...and i try not to show it lol but its alllllwaaaay allllll over my face...and i can tell when dad senses it...he doesnt say anything to me...he hates it i think..well i know he hates it...but i mean...its me..its who i am...and how i was raised to be open and honest about emotions and feelings...and you know we are just different....and its okay...i accept it...

but i guess i said alll this to say lol....when things get to me during the day...i cant bring them home...now that i have my son...when my family pisses me off to the highest...i cant bring it home...and home is when i see my son...when i see my son i have to give him everything i have...all the good....every bit of the good...its not like im faking it...but im giving him what he needs...the love i have...the laughter...the hugs and kisses...the smiles...all that good stuff..

after dad left...i just watched my son beat up one of his toys and smiled...smiled because i love him soo much...and he is the greatest...smiled because no matter what happens in my day he is the greatest thing ever...smiled because i have a life that people only dream about...people envy my life...envy my joy...envy the smiles they get from me...because folks always say you are never sad "t" and i just smile adn say...i have alot to be happy about...to be happy for...man i smiled because i am loved...loved not only by my god...my family and friends...my great son...but im loved by me....i love me...and i have to let other things go to the waste side when they get me down...awwwwwww...im smiling right now...and man thats a 360 turn from earlier...

and i think thats where i mess up alot in my relationships....when i was sad about my day i brought it home and tried to talk about it...or tried to talk through it..and to some men its seen as a weakness...i messed up because i was with the wrong kind of person...or at least i didnt explain it well..i was just in the sad mood...and couldnt really get out of it fast enough for them..i donno...but whatever it was...its okay now...i want to be able to just be who i am with someone..or be who i am alone....be sad or upset...without being punished or critized for it...(oooppps i had a flashback)lol... but its okay...im smiling right now...i know that one day...it will get better...shit...its better right now....i know that i have to be my own light in the dark room...and tonight i did just that...smiled a smile that only i would enjoy and love...realize that i have to make it good for me...that no one else can...and i did it...i did it on my own...without having to hear from some guy that he loves me...i got over it..and when i think about my past...lol i have truly grown...ask me two or three years ago...i would still be sooo sad right now.....and wow i feel so empowered....when i said "you have to be like a duck and let it roll off your back"...it just rolled off my back...all that sadness....i realized that i have to get happy...and try to stay happy...that i have a choice in how my day begins and ends..and i want it to end tonight on a good note...HAPPY...