Friday, January 28, 2005

i was just thinking about you.....

damn im just sitting here thinking about my love life...well my not so happening love life...well shit i cant even lie...i have no love life...i guess im just sitting here thinking about my past...and how love touched me and left a burning hole in my heart...its crazy...because when i think about my past love...ive come to the conclusion that i ruined it....just being the person that i am...

either too needy...not needing enough...too loving...not loving enough...too emotional...not emotional enough...too jerky...to something...always something...always ready to go...running from something...always...always something...

and now tonight im just thinking...just thinking about what my next love should be...or should i even dream about it....i always find myself comparing my past love to my future love...and i guess thats not a good idea...i always say...ok this is what i had...and what i had is not what i need..or want.....but when i truly think about it...its almost what i want...and its what i need...its just like...i donno...its like i need and want what i had...or it is sadness talking?? is it memories talking...but honestly i dont think so...its like....

i want the loving...the support...the smiles...that smell....the mean looks lol...just the shoulder i always used to lean on...literally...i used to just lean on his shoulder lol we would sit side by side and i would just lean on his shoulder..he probably doesnt remember it..but he didnt know i was doing it not for comfort but to let him know that without speaking a word that i loved him...just a real love....its crazy beacuse it used to annoy him...but man i loved it...and i would find myself doing it all the time...i didnt want to be annoying...but i wanted to just be in that "love world" just the state of happiness..in his space...not all the time just i wanted his shoulder....i donno...love is soo weird to me...you have to experience it to loose it...you have to experience it to want it...to need it...but man im sooo scared now...im sooo scared to do it again...to just love again...seems like when i even have a date...i compare..when i see some guy i compare how he looks...how his hair is...how he stands...how he walks...is his voice too deep to slow...will he remind me of my past love when we are on the phone...is his name too close to his name...i just compare...

and i find myself shooting every one down...finding some kinda fault in them...if he isnt like my past love...shooting them all down because they dont talk like him...think like him...or have that smell like him...that manly but natural smell like him....he only later started to wear cologne...and now if i smell a guy walking by and he smells like him...i look...or i reminisce...its jacked...because when we were together i would lay in bed when he wasnt there and just sniff "his side" his pillow...(is that sick or what?)...not to me...

i just...i donno...its been sooo long...soo damn long since i even said i love you...and its crazy because i still love him sooo much...its hard to even go through the day without thinking about him...without thinking about that love...man i just want to go through one day without thinking about him...without talking about him...without saying his name....or even seeing his face when i close my eyes...its crazy that when we were together...i never even thought about another man...not once...i never even wished i was with someone else..never...never once had feelings for someone else...its crazy...DAMN...IM OBSESSED...DAMN!!!...i just read this shit over..and damn im even embarrassed to put it up on my blog...but oh well...this is my release......im soo fucking obsessed with this man...and the crazy thing about it is...i try not to show it...i try to act like he has noooo affect on me at all...i try to play down the fact that i truly need him in my life...in some aspect...but you know...im only hurting myself when i think these thoughts...and the worst fact is that i cant even say for sure if he even fells this same way about me...that the way i fell about him is the way he feels about me.....i cant even say that he feels like im special to him...it makes me sad...i cant even say with certainty that he even likes me now...damn just typing that my eyes teared up...because we dont talk like we used to...we just have casual conversations...nothing ever major...nothing ever life changing...eventhough i consider him one of my favorite people...i try but its not healthy...man its been years...when i think about it...its been a looong time...a very long time since i even said i love you....yeah he gets on my nerves lol...but man i love him....

its crazy to think that i still have these feelings for him after years of not even kissing him...not even a long hug from him...a "jailhouse kiss" its crazy....but i do...and i donno..maybe its the fact that there is no one in my life right now...maybe its the fact that no one is occupying my time that i feel these feelings...maybe its because im home tonight without my son...maybe its the fact that someone asked me today could i see myself with anyone besides him when im 70 and i cant...i see myself with him...STILL...its soo sad...i guess its the fact that when my friend asked was that my real love....i answered immediately that i thought he was my love...and its sad because i dont think he feels the same way anymore...or just maybe...just maybe i still need him...eventhough he doesnt need me...

i wish i could run...i wish i could run far away and never come back...just run and erase it all...but then would i want to...those times where some of the best in my life...just sitting...just watching tv or a movie...just riding no real place at all...just loving....the best in my life...so if i did run...where would i hide..those feelings will still follow me...they will be there...still....be...right...here....in my heart....

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