wow...tonight i will embark on a NEW YEAR...wow...
alittle recap!!

wow...last year i went into the new year playing video games with "dad" and wondering when kpp (my son) would come...i went into the new year hoping that i would have a great family and that i would be the best mother i could be...

well i succeeded...i think ive done a great job with my son...HE is my family...i watched my stomach grow to fuuulll capacity lol...finally he was here...and i had noooo idea what to do...even though id read "online" and bought every book i could find...but i made it work...we finally came home and started our new life together...little Khalil Parker..the sweetest baby ever...it was soo difficult at first but as time flew by...we got into the swing of things...yeah "dad" wasnt around as much as he was needed but we made it work...wow...a single mommie lol...life has thrown me some curves but this year...man this year has been the biggest curve in my life...BUT its been the best year when i think about my son...of my life...

well my son has grown larger than life...i couldnt even imagine while holding him after birth that he would look this way...that he would act this way...that he would even smile the way he smiles that cute little smile at me..its sooo wonderful...

ive been hurt with love...and hurt others with my love...but its okay...it was never intentional...but i did it..and i have to take responsibility for it...im sorry...

my soul kinda aches right now because i know in the new year that i have to leave the hurt and pain behind...that i have to leave the bad behind...i cant worry about "dad" and what he does or doesnt do...i have to leave it all behind...i have to make sure im the best mom to kpp that i can be...and not take anything less....

this year i found a new friend...a very special friend...it was soo crazy how we meet and how we found each other...man...i wasnt even looking..but that i too have to leave in this year...it hurts a bit...i cant go into the new year even talking to the friend...because i "hurt" them...so ill leave them and the hurt behind...i dont want to hurt anyone intentionally or accidentally in the new year.......so ill move forward without a call or text and try to put that memory box waaay back in the closets of my mind...it will be hard but...hard is my life...so im used to it...its crazy how someone gives and gives and things still end up wrong...i wasnt ready...and i dont feel bad anymore after everything has been said and done..because my friend knew i wasnt ready...they knew what i felt when i felt it...i was never holding back...never holding back how i felt......but they stayed around anyway...i wasnt ready for what the life had to offer...what others would think...so i went along til i couldnt go along with it anymore...i think the day i had to stay "stop" was the day i woke up and needed my friend in my life...needed them by my side..and i was afraid...afraid of what the future would hold for us...so i had to let go...because i just wasnt ready...im glad my friend didnt "chase"...im glad my friend is stronger than they think they are...im just happy today...yes my soul aches..but im happy in that small corner of my heart...because i know everything will be okay...and if it doesnt...i know i can handle it all...but i do want to say..im sorry...im sorry for not being ready...not being able to "not care" what others think...i guess thats another one of lifes curve balls...but its okay...im leaving it in 2005 and wishing and praying for my friend's happiness....:)

wow...2004...
i had a great son...
ive held my son...
got over the pain of being unworthy...postpartum depression...
did what most mothers dont do...breast feed...even though it hurt like hell at first lol...
listened to my son cry...
heard him laugh...sooo much...such a happy baby...
got my first kiss :)
watched as he grew up right in front of my eyes...
watched him eat for the first time...let him throw some food lol...
watched him lay there...scoot alittle...crawl waaay too much...stand up...and finally take his first two little steps...(still not walking!!)
ive watched my son grown up to be a well mannered little 10 month old...
and im sooo happy about that!!!!

ive gained an appreciation for love..
gained an appreciation for pain...
became a survivor of both...
learned how to be a good mommie..
learned how to be a good daughter and sister...
learned how to listen sometimes...
and not shut up other times...
taught myself that in the end i must take care of my son and i...
gave an abundance of love away...
got an abundance of love poured on me...
cried many nights...
smiled many days...
watched waaay too much tv..
finally saw some movies ive been dying to see...
went to some art museums...
read some good books...
ate some great food...
cooked some good meals (surprisingly!)
regain that sex appeal that id lost...
straighten and curled my hair lol...
whitening my teeth with those crest strips lol...
told some corny jokes...
cried...
saw death in the eyes of a young boy...
laid some friends to rest...
missed them sooo much...
cried for them all night...
wished they were still here..
but dealt with the pain of them being gone...forever..
figured out im okay with myself...
found out that im still a great catch...
and my body is the temple that carried life...
and its okay that there is still some remnant of him hanging on hahahah...FAT...
figured out that life is hard...
but figured out that i can handle it...
dealt with things in my own time..in my own way...
cried some more..
laughed aloooott...
and cried some more...
yes crying...crying is what drives me...the emotional side of me...is what i love....
and tonight i hope to go into the new year...
with the same people i came into it with last year...myself and my son...

this year has been sooooooo good to me...my payment is to be good in the new year...

love you bunches...
luuve :)

happy new year!!!

who am i kidding lol ill probably have more to say tonight lol

...tonight i thought i would send a special friend a text message...and wow..i opened up a can of worms that i wasnt quite ready to deal with...but its good because i can go into the new year...FRESH....

ive finally figured myself out on alot of things...and im glad about it...i know what i need and want in relationships....be it frienships or loveships...and yeees i made that up lol...i know that i want a deep love and a special person to share it with..if not in 2005...then whenever they decides to show up...(ill be ready)...i know i need someone who is strong...a strong personality....someone who will stand up to me..and stand up for me...and stand by me and help me when things get rough....and love me with all my "bitchy"faults...and to watch me as i become the person i desire to be....

thats what i need...and it always seems like i fall into the the wrong hands..my heart falls into the wrong hands...im always being overly helpful to people...and before i know it lol they have more issues and problems then i thought i had...or people who love too much...or smother me too much...and i just want to scream for air...thats not to say i dont love them...but i cant manage...i cant figure out what they need or who they want and need me to be...so then im stuck...im stuck with this person loving me...and or me loving them...and my life not really progressing...

wow...thats me...thats been my past...and damn i dont want that to be my future...

i want 2005 to be better than 2004 relationship wise...friendships...loveships...and yeeeeees i keep saying that loland work relationships....i want to be honest in 2005...and let people know what i feel...and how they affect my life...and not always wait to cry about it later...i want to continue to grow and love...and continue to teach kpp that loving yourself is not a bad thing...its the best thing you can do for YOU.....

this is my mission for 2005 love...to love myself..and to love others...without fear or fault...something i was too afraid to do in 2004...and let that love shine threw me so when people meet me they know that not only am i strong and self confident...but im willing to love and be loved....

wow...thats a big task...but im up for it...and for those of you who have something to say


AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA....everyone thinks my boy is throwing the finger lol...i looooove this picture...

kwanzaa that is...

SUNDAY...i spent like 15 minutes with my mom before she and my little brother left to go home...so thats alittle unity lol...but then i went to breakfast with a good friend of mine...well while at breakfast the baby started to get sick...so i spent the majority of the day with her and her baby at the hosiptal...come to find out she is allergic to peanuts...peanuts?? i couldnt even remember feeding her any peanuts...well when i thought about it...we had...we'd had nuts in a pancake...opppps...well i say all that to say...she told me that i was very helpful to her while at the hospital...when she thought she wouldnt be able to go another minute...i was there to push her forward.....unity maybe they meant your family...but sunday i was helping a good friend out...and i feel good about it...

MONDAY...oooh monday was great...i didnt do much of anything at all...came home..cleaned up and...just chilled out...lit the second candle on the kinara...and took me a bath and just thought about how i could treat ME better and love ME alittle more...well seems like im doing that already..

TUESDAY...well tuesday...tuesday was the date night...so i dont think i actually celebrated kwanzaa...i did however talk about it alittle bit with my date...and he seemed rather intrested...he said he had never celebrated it but it sounds really cool...i told him what tuesday was about...its was alittle funny when i told him what day tuesday was...collective work and becoming responsbile for one another....we kinda talked about and he said that lately he'd felt like that with his family...taking care of his mom and his older brother...wow...so i guess i did celebrate it...

WEDNESDAY...well today is wednesday...and i still dont have a clue how i could celebrate today...i have yet to find a black business that im intrested in...but i will keep this principle in the back of my mind...i just have to make sure that i practice this throughout the year....

okay so 4 down and three more to go....kwanzaa...a holiday for my people...why dont we all celebrate it...??

well...last night went well...it seems like when one person seems interested..then another person comes along...well this is what happened...

okay a little background on this guy...a friend of mine introduced me to him about two years ago at some house party...and at the time i wasnt looking for anyone...so i didnt really seem interested in him.....well i guess she was talking to him recently and was talking about what she was going to get "my son" her "nephew" for christmas and he said..."wow she has a son?? is she married?".."no...she is single..really single"...he says..."she is single?" (like im a hot commodity or something come on) lol...but she says yes..and gives him my email address and phone number..he emails me like 2 weeks later lol...and we have been chatting online every since...well i had him send me a picture because i couldnt remember what he looked like (i couldnt even remember going to the party)...but once he sent me the pic i instantly remembered him AND the party..because i remember we kinda chitchatted the whole night...just kinda talking about who was at the party but not really talking about much else..

well last night...i called him and asked him did he want to just come over instead of going to the theater...he said yes... mind you id talked to a friend about this and asked her if she thought it would look like i was trying to "come on" to him by asking him to my home...she said no...so i asked.....well after he said yes...he then said in a jokingly tone..."YOU ARENT TRYING TO PUSH UP ON ME ARE YOU?" HAHAHAH.......oooh if he knew what id gone through to make sure it didnt "look" like i was "trying to push up on him" he would NOT have played around like that lol......but i just said no, laughed, and kept the conversation going...

well the reason i wanted to stay in to see a movie is because.....i didnt want to "waste" an OFFICIAL DATE...because i dont really know him that well...yeah you may say..damn thats cold...but its true...this dating scene in new to me and i want to be sure on who i let into my circle....and how quickly i let them in...because in the past ive let people just bogart their way in...and in the end i just end up getting hurt...either because i didnt know them well enough and then i finally figure out this isnt the person i should be with..my feelings get hurt...or because we just move to fast...and then before i know it...its just a mess...so this time i promised myself that i would be careful and slow...everyone is now on "my time"...so i asked him to come over...this way its not an "official date"...hahah....damn when i say that twice that does sound cold....

okay...well he couldnt find the movie we wanted to see..soooo we saw the recently out on dvd...BOURNE SUPREMECY...(it was really good)....

and we had chinese food...of course...my favvvvvorite food...and surprisingly his as well...we watched the movie...and

i always say seeing a movie on the first date is really good because you dont have to talk much...so if you dont like the person you're safe...and if you do like the person...this give you a chance to fill him or her out to see if you even want a second date...lol...

okay so it went well...we talked a little after the movie...i was getting a little antsy...because the conversation started to turn more on me...he asked me all kinds of questions...you know just making conversation......and man i haaate talking about me when i first meet people...i donno why...i just dont want people knowing soo much about me and especially when i dont know where this will lead...

so its getting late...and i let him know that its about time to go..and he says lol...this is funny..."i remember you saying you didnt get anything for christmas except two kisses from your brother and son"...(took my hand) and said lol.."i would like to add to that wonderful list of gifts"...and KISSED IT..lol..

YOU TALKING ABOUT A HUUUUGE KOOLAID GRIN ON MY FACE!! LOL...i was all smiles...i was like damn that was major game he just threw alll in my face lol...(or am i just lonely hahaha)...so i swung my hair a little bit..stepped in a little closer and gave him a big peck on the cheek...you know soft and gentle lolol...and moved back to see his face..and he had the biggest smile on his face...now with both of us smiling i knew that i either wanted another date or another kiss..lol...(i better opt for another date lol that kissing stuff gets you in trouble) lol...so once he figured out he was smiling just as much as me...he says...(i think to make small)..."you smell really fantastic"...and i laugh...i did some goofy laugh thats not even my natural laugh....man did i just doooo that?? im soo goofy lol...i didnt meant to do that goofy laugh but i did...so oooh nooo...i have to regain my composure lol and not be soo damn goofy lol (which is hard for me),...so i step closer and touch his arm gently..and say..."so do you"....well...now i think i moved a little too close because he looked at me in a weird (i want to eat you up way) and said..."i would like to see you again"...(in his ooh so nice raspy voice)...and i step back and say.."okay"...almost school girlish...with a grin on my face....he looks at me with those pretty eyes...loongest eyelashes ive seen on a man lol..and touches the door and says good night...

ooh that just happened lol...he is cute..but man is he too young for me? lol...im crazy...i think i analyze things tooo much...just go with the flow woman...everything will be okay....?? or will it??

something just happened like 20 minutes ago that has my heart raising...

ive been thinking about the propect of going out with a friend...and its been on my mind all day...im alittle scared...this will be a big step for me..its always been that we just "hung out"...we just went some place and just "hung out"...but this will be a "date"...an actual get alittle dolled up and go out...date...

im alittle nervous..

i almost feel like i should call it off...i dont feel like im ready yet...i mean damn....when will i ever be ready to cross that line...its not like i have to sleep with him or kiss him...its just a date right?? its just going out?? right?

so this year...i really have to celebrate kwanzaa...so here goes...starting tomorrow...its crazy the first time i really celebrated it is when i first meet "dad" ..we went to this poetry reading with some of his friends...lol now that i think about it..that was the only thing we did to celebrate it...but this year...i HAVE TO...because its just a good thing to do...for kpp..teach him things about our culture...and how to love his people...

Sunday -- Umoja, meaning unity.
if my mom comes tomorrow...maybe we can hang out...or just hang with my little brother...go out again and do something...write in kpps baby book and let him know his first kwanzaa mommie reallys him to know what true family is all about..not this watered down version ive been giving him lol...

Monday -- Kujichagulia, meaning self-determination
this day will be all about loving me...loving the person ive become...i think ive grown alot in this past year...i used to want and need but today im glad to say i can stand on my own two feet without the help of others...now dont get me wrong help is always good..but i just feel like i dont need someone all the time like i used to...i think this year ive found that being alone with myself...you know when the baby is gone..and im home alone..that im all i have when i think about it...that when i lay down at night...im the one taking care of me...so loving myself this year wow...just saying it...wow...i love myself...its taken a long time..and of course i still have a ways to go..with all my faults..but wow i love myself..and i dont need someone to love me...lol not to say thats not a good thing...but i dont need someones' love to be sufficent...its crazy how life has taken me on a true roller coaster...from being sooo hurt earlier in the year...then putting all that hurt aside...to becoming a mother to the greatest kid eeevvver!!!...and learning to love him...thus learning to love me...not worrying about what people think...just kinda living life...i like this me these days...eventhough like i said..i do have faults...i just like this me...lol even with all the grinch stuff...i like this me...this me today is waaay better equiped to deal with problems and situations that im faced with everyday...i have seemed to pull the good out of a lot of the horrible things that ive faced lately...im proud of the person ive become...and you know what...i thought the jill scott song was soo stupid....but when i think about it...im living my life like its golden...i havent corrupted my beliefs this year for a relationship..when i thought it was bad for me...bad for my son...i let go...i havent corrupted the person i am...for people around me...when i thought they were bad for me...i either didnt speak with them or just let them know they werent good for me...wow...i have the self determination to be the best person i know who to be!!!..and im proud of me....

Tuesday -- Ujima, which means collective work and responsibility
i think for this one ill have to be more in tuned with my friends...to be more creative when coming up with solutions for their situations...give good advice....this may be alittle tough!

Wednesday -- Ujamaa, which means cooperative economics
this is a tough one..but ill have to try to do it...ill have to find shops owned and operated by african americans even if they are on the internet...and shop with them....(and yall know how much i loove the internet) but yeah ill try this one...

Thursday -- Nia, which means purpose.
im trying to think what i can do for this one...?? i dont know yet...by thursday ill have a sure plan and goals...but as i read over this...my plan is to write the childrens book...and let african american children know that they are truely beautiful..umm...i want this one to be good..so ill have to really think...

Friday -- Kuumba, which means creativity
this one is an easy one...i love to be creative...but i promise this year to find more ways to be creative...paint more..write more..and you know what...IM GOING TO WRITE THE BOOK I ALWAYS WANTED...a book for children...about african american children...yeah yeah yeah i know its a 1000 books out there for them..but this will be 1001!! wow im really going to do this...or at least start...ill have to ask a couple of people...african americans...wow..this could be a big thing for me!...and dedicate the book to baby kpp!!

Saturday -- Imani, which means faith.
i must continue to have faith and let people know it...let it shine from my intermost being.....i think im an encourager...i try to encourage my friends and those around me everyday...a lady at the job told me once..that i inspire her...i asked why and she said...you inspire me to smile ...because everyday you have that smile on your face or i hear that crazy laugh of yours...even when i know you arent having a good day...you dont let your bad mode rub off on others...and i just looked at her saying these things about me...and you know it...i SMILED...i try to keep my emotional side at home...i try to keep it away from the emotional people around me...lol thus being sooo emotional around the people i think are the strongest..the people i think that can handle my emotional side...lol....which are only like 2 or 3 folks in my circle...because everyone else are like wwaaaayy more emotional than me..but now that i blog..this will be a good outlet for me...to ummm...let it all out...its a great thing lol...and i will pray alittle more...not just when i have a problem or some issue..but just let the Lord know that im grateful...i do pray a lot...but this year pray and give thanks more...thank him for making my shoulders lighter...thank him for giving me a place to lay my burdens down...i just want to be encouraged this year...just to be alittle happier when i speak my truths...so on saturday...i will have MY faith..the faith that comes from knowing that God loves me...and He truely protects me and my littel kpp...and maybe that doesnt mean going to church every sunday...but i will try to just show that i am true believe in GOD...that he is my father......

wow celebrating kwanzaa will be a good thing...wow...makes me think about my life...and where i came from...just the pain and hurt that ive endured...wow...i love my life...some days i complain...but i wouldnt change one thing...i have know regrets...it has all been a huuuge experience..that ive been able to bear...and besides like "dad" says...if anything changed in my life....'WHO WOULD I BE?'.......

....so i have this small situation....my friend...we've known each other for a while now...and he asked if he could come to visit for chirstmas today...read this..umm what shall we call him??....umm "mr. heat"...i say that because sometimes when he smiles at me i get alittle heated on the inside...but its weird because we have been friends for so long...i think i smile these days because im lonely...and he has been there for me lately...okay here goes...

Late night December 24th Christmas Eve

mr heat: can i visit you for christmas?
me: ummm its still alot snow here...
mr heat: i can indure some snow to see you and kpp.
me: smiling, you know the one (teeth showing) weelllllll...if you want....
mr. heat: well bet...ill be there in the morning...
me: uuummm...my brother is still here...and ummmm...the roads are still bad...ummm...and are you sure?..ummmmm ummmm...
mr. heat: STOP!...if you dont want me to come just say it...
me: no its not that...i just want you to be sure you can come...
mr heat: im sure...ill be there in the morning...
me: okay what time? i think im nervous...because i havent seen him in a couple of weeks...i think im nervous because damn im alittle frisky today...and ummmm i think im just nervous to see him period...
mr heat: ummm about 8am...i knoooow you'll be up.
me: yep..you know i get up at 5am..work day or not!
mr. heat: bet. ill see you then.


did i just say that? did i just say come to my house for christmas lol...i cant believe i said that...wow...i must be out of my mind...i think it may be a good thing though...because we wont be alone...he wont want to "talk" you know....i wont look at him too much...he says when i look at him he gets nervous...lol...its kinda crazy...we are like really best friends these days...and i dooooont want to even go there with him...i dont want to mess it up...so good...christmas...my little brother is still here..so cool...he will come in and we will talk for a few..then he will leave...and that will be that...

Decemeber 25th!!!Christmas Day..TEXT message conversation at 430am

mr heat: merry christmas...we are still on for this morning right?
me: merry kissmas lol got that from a friend...and yep...
mr heat: last night you sound nervous or something...
me: who me? naww..
mr heat: if you were dont be...and you know i know you...well ill see you at 7am since you already up lol
me: okay see you then..

TEXT message conversation at 6am..

mr heat: u up?
me: yep
mr heat: damn you were right. its cold as hell out here.
me: seee i told you...you still on your way?
mr heat: yep. u know it!
me: dont talk ghetto lingo. its not becoming.
mr heat: aiight holla hahaha
me: nooo stop that.
mr heat: okay so ill see you in about 30 minutes.
me: okay.
mr heat: man i havent seen u in a while. this will be good.
me: okay man stop that. you makin me blush.
mr heat: ok & when i get there dont do that stare thing with the eyes thing you do.
me: what the heck are you talking about?
mr heat: im calling you this texting is going to kill me..
me: ok...ooooh he better be glad its christmas because i hatte talking on the phone!!!

mr heat calling

me: what do i do?
mr heat: dont play dumb that eye thing you do..probably to all men you see.
me: oooh dont make me mad today lol
mr heat: i wont...but you know what im talking about..dont do it..
me: ok whatever.
mr heat: because seeing that i havent had any in a while i might have to jump your bones!
me: did he just say that? nooo he didnt...so thats what this is about? lol......you're funny...
mr heat: im sorry..lol...i can tell you didnt find that funny.
me: nope.
mr heat: so what will we do this morning.
me: maybe ill cook you some breakfast.
mr heat: okay. thats a bet.
me: stop saying that lol...it reminds me of an ex boyfriend..he always says it.
mr heat: and?
me: and i know you dont want to be compaired to an ex lol.
mr heat: your lame ass dudes! hell naw.
me: ooh no you didnt...
mr heat: yes i did...
me: okay im getting off the phone..you are wasting my minnnuuutes!!! lol...smiling
mr heat: okay ill see you in a few..

KNOCK KNOCK!!
me: oooh black people always got to be either early or late...damn...i smell good..but DAMN THIS HAIR...lol remember its one thing i love and hate about myself....okay forget it...he is here...lets just make the best of it...

me: hiiiiii......smiling...and i guess doing the eye thing...because he looked at me with a mean face
mr heat: yeah you better stop that...hiiiiiii!!!
me: ooooh dont hug me too tight you smell really good..lol
mr heat: where is everyone...
me: man its 645am lol my brother just got in the bed...and kpp is still sleeping.
mr heat: what was he doing til 645...
me: you know kids...i donno.
mr heat: it smells good in here...the food is for me?
me: yep...you know i love to cook these days lol...
mr heat: yeah right...let me see...
me: come come..
mr heat: damn im hungry that drive is a mutha...
me: okay lets eat...

so we eat...we eat and eat lol...i try to take as long as possible because im feeling alittle weird today....and besides i havent seen him for a while so he can talk my head off....

mr heat: damn this is the ballpit...i thought it would be different.

ball pit...the gift "dad" bought for kpp...this bus that you have to blow up and it has balls in it.....umm this thing here....

me: yeah i did too..he likes it..
mr heat: so whats been up.
me: huh? since when?
mr heat: since i donno??
me: we talk everyday.
mr heat: i guess its just different now that im in your face.
me: yeah maybe but nothing really just living life...
mr heat: well the food was good. who taught you how to cook grits..
me: the box lol..
mr heat: stop that..
me: WHHHATT???!!
mr heat: the eye thing.
me: im not doing the eye thing...im watching this stupid parade..
mr heat: dang when will kpp wake up...i havent seen him in a while...talking extremely louuud!!!i want to play..with this thing...
me: lol dont talk loud...because if you wake him up ill kill you...
mr heat: oook man...you stink

we just kinda sit around talking about floats on tv but not really about anything particular lol...its funny because when we arent together he can talk my head off...and me his...but not today...today was a day of chilling..today was a day of me watching tv and him watching me...why do guys do that...

me: stop it!!
mr heat: what man?
me: you watching me...and you need to stop.
mr heat: i like your hair
me: i know you do...
mr heat: so let me watch you.
me: noooo its annoying..
mr heat: you cant stop me.
me: so whats up with the one girl? haha that will shut him up...that will make him stop watching me...that will make him wanna talk about something lol something but not "the girl" lol
mr heat: you are one mean scorp lol...
me: i know...so whats up
mr heat: i dumped her for you. and dont laugh because im serious
me: dont dump her..she was cute..and sweet...and i liked her..good for you
mr heat: i like you..and dont laugh
me: lololol...you know i laugh...you know i laugh at everything...im goofy
mr heat: i knooow man im being serious...what man do you know would brave this snow for you lol...
me: no one lol look who's here
mr heat: so what do you say?
me: about?
mr heat: stop playing with me man.
me: im not...what do i say about what?
mr heat: getting together..me and you..
me: are you serious man.
mr heat: yep
me: dont be..i like this relationship how it is...what else could we do except have sex?
mr heat: i donno...okay i see im making you nervous so ill go lol...
me: okay.
mr heat: damn you putting me out like that lol
me: no but...you are kinda making me weird...
mr heat: IN THE LOOUUUD VOICEBYYYEEE KPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!
me: oooh you gonna get it...

kpp wakes up....ooooohhh awwwww ahhhhh!!! you know the baby crying thing....i get him..mr heat sees him...then

mr heat: okay ill see you guys later
me: okay..
mr heat: think about what i said...im serious man.
me: okay..
mr heat: im serious
me: okay
mr heat: naw naw...if you have to think about if you want to be with me or not...then you really dont...
me: i dont have to think about it man...just go home...
mr heat: ill talk to you later on today..i have to go and be santa to my little sister...
me: okay tell her i said hi...
mr heat: yeah next year im wishing we will make it a family thing..you me and kpp.
me: maybe if you come back later it can be a family thing today... and i did the eye thing lol
mr heat: bye see you always playing with me..

okay so now what?
does he really want a relationship or just to sleep with me?
i dont know...he says he does but damn we have been friends for soo long...was friends before kpp came along lol...and now...you want to be together? you cant be serious? why are you just saying it now? why not like two months ago? why am i even talking about it? why not earlier...i dont get men...or am i just being weird about it all...i just want him for my friend...he is my confidant...he is the person i talk to about everything lol..and you know when you get together all that shit changes...you cant be completely honest in fear that you hurt the other persons feelings...you always have to have sex lol...which isnt a bad thing...but wow...whats the deal...should i or shouldnt i...i donno...he will call me later on and ask...and what will i say??

thats my small situation...cousin help me out??

wow i dont know if its because im getting older..or because my day started off bad...or because my son is only 10 months...but whatever it is...whaaaatever it is...lol....i have noooo christmas spirit..no christmas nothing....but damn...its christmas lol...i guess its because i know im not getting a gift this year...not even a kiss on the damn cheek hahaaha....last year i was pregnant and i could rub my gift (my son in my belly) whenever i felt the need....and besides i was soo excited i just wanted to see my baby boys face...this year...lol he is here!!...being a little rascal!! lol...he is soo sweet though...but man he is such a little 10 month old kid...intrested in everything...wants to touch everything...just looooves life...and when mommie isnt loving life lol...i want him to be still....

the baby has everything...he needs nothing...not even a freaking toy...his dad bought him this ballpit...kinda cool...you know like at chuck e cheese...or mcdonalds...(i vowed never to let my own son step foot in those things...disease and waaay too many snotty noses lol)...but anyway..."dad" bought him one...and his grandparents bought him this little push toy..thats really cool...my mom of course bought him books...and me...well...im the grinch...i buy him things every week...so i mean really what does he need....

but does that mean im really the grinch...hell yeah..hahaahahah....i hope i dont ruin his christmas cheer...for next year...but what the heck does he know about christmas lol...he will probably be wondering why are all these people around...who are all these crazy toys for....why are you all looking at me.....he hates alot of people..i think he gets that from his father and i....all the talking all the noise...(DAAAMMMNN I AM THE GRINCH!!)

well finally "dad" came to get those two (my son and my little brother)...i was sooo tired....just mentally...yeah im a single mother..yeah i shouldnt get tired..but damn today...i wouldve killed someone lol...and who...i wouldve had to choose...my son or my little brother haahaha...(yep im the grinch)...but who?? lol....

i know "dad" thinks i try to ruin his life...but i dont...i just want to have some peace and quiet time...and yeah why didnt i think about that before i got pregnant...but oh well..he has two parents....who dont live together...so damn its just fair that i get at least alittle time alone....but you know what...i miss my boy...when he leaves..its crazy...i told "dad" this the other night...when kpp leaves...i miss him soo much...but when he is here driving me insaaaaaaaaannne...i just want "dad" to get him....its crazy....i know why gods plan was to have people married...to have two parents for a child...so it doesnt have to be this way...so i dont feel like this...its okay..he will be back later...driving me insaaaannnee...and ill be loving every minute of it....

wow..life is crazy...that is becoming my slogan...

i had a small situation this morning...and i think i did okay with it...well got upset but didnt go as loco as i used to...

here goes...this is what i mean by dad thinks i try to ruin his life....

the plan was today for "dad" to pick up the baby...and keep him today...i had to work...so okay...as you all know it snowed like 10 inches here...but the roads are clear today...so my job wanted me to come into work...okay so i let dad know that work is on...and for him to come and get the baby....well like i said it snowed 10 inches so he had to dig out his car from the snow...i think in the process of digging..and how tired that makes you..he got upset...told me to "stay the "f" at home...going to work its worth it"....well to me it is...if i dont go...i dont get paid..and who will help me pay my bills?? no one...so anywho...he gets all upset...and then i just tell him i dont want him mad with me..or mad about the whole thing...so forget picking up the baby...just damnit forget it lol...and yeah i did laugh...because who can take me serious...some days i dont even take me serious.(maybe i should NOT have said that because thats not what i really meant...maybe i shouldve said...go suck a cows butt because i really need to be at work right now...or okay forget that you are upset...im sorry but still come and get kpp...but of course i backed down...because i hate when he is mad with me)....but all in all...he didnt pick up the baby...so now that meant i had to call off work...that meant i had to get docked a days pay...should i be mad with myself...for not standing up for myself...yeah maybe...but then..finally i text him to see if he is coming to get kpp...its like what 230pm...he says yes he can get him...so he picks up the baby and my little brother...i wasnt going to say anything about the earlier morning situation..but it was burning me...i was still alittle upset...well not really...i guess im never really upset after the fact with anyone...especially him...i just wanted him to know that he really played me today...so i just said what i felt...i let him know that i was mad about this morning...and it was really jacked up...he in turn told me how i dont drive so i dont get it...which could be true...but then its like...he says that..but less than two hours later this morning..he told me he was "running up to his job" his job is only like 5 minutes away...but still...if you can dig yourself out for a five minute drive..why not a 15 minute drive...damn i should cool it...this is one of the reasons we arent together...because i cant hold in my emotions...because i just have to "go there"...and he is the type who can hold his emotions in for years...who will never say you hurt his feelings...or say what he truely feels...or maybe he just does it with me...i donno...i guess this morning..i should not have given up so easy...i should have been different...but oh well..its over..the day is almost over....i should let it go...and the next time i see them be overly happy...but it wouldnt be a fake emotion....because wow...just typing that...really lefted that weight off my shoulders...

seems like everything has to be a big deal...when it really doesnt have to be...one day me and "dad" will get it together for the baby...one day my word with him will be my bond...and ill stand my ground...or we wont...

haahah and damn im not the grinch..i just looked over at my christmas lights and smiled....i cant wait to see my son and snap some more pics of him...with his funny little santa hat on!!!!!!

MERRY KISSMAS EVE!!!!!

ive taught him how to blog...he has stayed up two nights in a row til like 3 or 4am...watching videos...downloading music...and playing on this thing...he wants his own blog....but he saw this on some girls blog and told me he would type while i cooked for him...here goes

Last person that....
1. Slept in your bed: my brother and son.
2. Saw you cry: me.
3. Made you cry: a friends death.
4. You shared a drink with: my son.
5. You went to the movies with: my son. (man is this becoming a trend..damn im
boring!)
6. You went to the mall with: "dad"
7. Yelled at you: my mother (but she yells at everyone...its her loud voice lol)
8. Sent you an email: my aunt deborah
9. You kissed: male? damn...like 19 months ago...my son is 10 months..i was pregnant
for 9 months...damn thats sad...so i guess ill have to say...my son...because


HAVE YOU EVER...
1. Said "I Love You" and meant it? always
2. Gotten in a fight with your pet: no. im the boss.
3. Been to California: yes, Pasadena.
4. Been to Hawaii: no.
5. Been to Mexico: yes over the country line down in texas lol (does that count)
6. Been to China: no but I do want to see the Great Wall
7. Been to Canada: hell yeah and had the detroit police all up my azzzzz!!!!
8. Danced naked: hahaa YEP!...i shouldve but i did lol
9. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day?: yes..(dreamed
that i kissed an old friend and did it the next day just because)
10. Wish you were the opposite sex: yeah once in a car because i had to pee really
bad lol
11. Had an imaginary friend: yes. but it was a guy lol and i was like 15 lol...thats
bad...dont tell anyone...
12. Do you have a crush on someone: Yes..but would it be a crush if i tooold??
13. What book are you reading now: Running with Scissors...
14. Worst feeling in the world: when i just feel really sad..when i didnt cause my
own sadness..
15. Future son's name: I donno...but i want it to be really cool..
16. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: yes...my sons...stuffed puppy..i named him
boris...he is soo cute...ive been sleeping with him before my son was even born
lol...trying to learn how it would feel to sleep with a baby...well that didnt
work...because my son sleeps really wild lol...
17. What's under your bed: nothing...dont even ask...
18. Favorite sport to watch: football of course...Go Steelers!!
19. Piercings/tattoos: ears/noooooooo!!!!
20. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: no boyfriend...lol cant you tell by now....

EXTRA STUFF...
1. no extra...my name is toneasha...thats a weird way to spell tanisha...my sons nick
name is kpp...just his initials...
2. Do you do drugs: Never....im crazy enough lol
3. Do you drink: Rarely...damn not in yeeeeeeaarrrrss!!!
4. What are you most scared of: my son getting hurt in any way...
5. What clothes do you sleep in: a cute hot pink gown i bought from some store..i
looove it...almost wore it outside once lol to work...
6. Where do you want to get married: outside...has to be outside...almost sunset...
7. Who do you really hate: hate..hummm thats hard...i dont think i hate anyone...but
damn i dislike pleeenty folks lol
8. Been in Love: ooh yeeeess...makes me smile everytime i think about it...
9. Do you like being around people: depends...do i like them lol...
10. Are you for world peace: of course...im not george bush...
11. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: hell yes...right now...
12. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: yea....anyone taller than
me...and a stomach...so i can rub it like my buddah...
13. Are you lonely right now: yep lol...what the hell have i been saying...
14. Song thats stuck in your head a lot: the one song by jill scott..i love when she
says..."i was just thinking about you..."...the song is "Crossed my mind" man
its soo true...
15. Do you want to get married: yep..one day....
16. Do you want kids: yep at least one more...so he can have a sibling...maybe a girl
...cause man are they cute...

FAVORITE..
1. Room in house: bedroom...just peaceful...
2. Type(s) of music: hip hop when guys are being all mushy lol...
3. Color(s): orange...red...and ummm baby blue...i love my son in that color...
4. Perfume or cologne?: Bvlgari Cologne...green tea scent...
5. Month(s): febrauary..and ummm....july...
6. Stone: of course diamonds...

IN THE LAST 72 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
1. Cried: yes
2. Bought something: yes.....yep off ebay...im a junkie...
3. Gotten sick: yeah...woke up with a stuffed up nose...
4. Sang: yes...the one song by jill scott...when i was in the bathroom...
5. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: oooooooooh yes
6. Met someone new: yes
7. Missed someone: yes
8. Hugged someone: yes
9. Kissed someone: yes just kissed my sons forehead :) awwwwwww

man..that was looong as hell...my brother stopped at like the 10th question lol...he said he cant type that fast...okay now...im really going to bed...

damn "old man winter"!!!! when i woke up this morning...i looked out the window like "damn" and got right back in the bed...called my boss..informed her that i would not be in today...and went right back to sleep...

but then i got a wake up call from hell...one of my best best best friend died...its crazy...i cant even be emotional right now...it really hurts alot...but with the boys here i cant really be emotional...i have to wait...i have to wait til the time is right...i have to be strong for them...cry without tears...

i just keep thinking about her telling me she couldnt spend another year without her
mom...and i guess this is a good thing..she wont have to...she wont have to be alone in this world..without the love of her mother...i dont think i could either...yeah my mother and i dont have the perfect relationship but who does...yeah i think she is crazy most days...but wow i dont think i couldve made it two years without her...but then again i have sisters and brothers to help me...she had no one...man this is sooo sad and crazy...and i cant seem to take it today...

ive been sleep for most of the day...lonely and sad...needing someone to lean on...and the two people who asked me if i wanted to lean on them...i cant...because im in love with one...and the other one...umm we just have a really weird relationship...and its crazy because both have women in their lives..even if they dont want to admit it...even if they hate the women....so why even go there....life is crazy...

i was talking to my friend corey tonight...the one friend who i said we have the "weird realtionship"...he is one of the loves of my life...its crazy...because he is my inspiration alot of days...to be myself...to be emotional...to be intelligent...to be just the person i am...me...he is my inspiration...hahahaha (please dont read this tonight) lol...he is one of the men in my life...that things never worked out for us...and we couldnt sulk in it...so we both had to move on....mainly because of distance...but life is okay...it took us to two different places...but if things wouldve been different...man lol...i would be involved with him at the drop of a dime....(sorry for saying this if you are reading this lol)...he has a woman...but he said something tonight that really made feel good...

this was our convo on....

saxiestmanalive: I tell her to attract (me) all she has to do is be her
saxiestmanalive: I love an individual
luuvelyladdy: ?
saxiestmanalive: an original really
luuvelyladdy: i guess i dont understand what you are saying
saxiestmanalive: I love a woman who is herself in all situations
saxiestmanalive: and radiantly so
luuvelyladdy: ok
luuvelyladdy: so what doesnt (she) understand about that?
saxiestmanalive: I think shes insecure in her power to attract me
luuvelyladdy: i hear you
luuvelyladdy: i dont think ive ever had that problem (with men im involved with)
luuvelyladdy: but i always thought i was too emotional
saxiestmanalive: i know
saxiestmanalive: not really (emotional)
saxiestmanalive: to be passionate u have to be emotional and be able to get caught up
in the power of it
saxiestmanalive: have to surrender and thats hard for alot of ppl
saxiestmanalive: they scared of themselves n the world in a way
saxiestmanalive: for some reason ppl think emotions are a form of weakness
luuvelyladdy: yeah
luuvelyladdy: i think my ex thought i was weak but i dont think that
saxiestmanalive: the weak ppl are those who are too scared to face what they feel
luuvelyladdy: i think im strong
luuvelyladdy: just emotional
luuvelyladdy: yeah i get it
luuvelyladdy: im putting this convo on my blog tonight
saxiestmanalive: it's all in how u deal with it
saxiestmanalive: I bet I'll be floating around the net long after I'm gone
luuvelyladdy: good
saxiestmanalive: we'll see
saxiestmanalive: I think ppl like u scare others
luuvelyladdy: maybe
luuvelyladdy: thats why im sittin in this apartment
luuvelyladdy: alone
saxiestmanalive: just physicaly
saxiestmanalive: ;)
luuvelyladdy: nope
luuvelyladdy: mentally
luuvelyladdy: emotionally
saxiestmanalive: then talk to me
saxiestmanalive: call me if u want to
luuvelyladdy: i mean
luuvelyladdy: talk and then what
luuvelyladdy: i need someone
luuvelyladdy: on my side
saxiestmanalive: I know baby (girl)
saxiestmanalive: all I can do is what I know
luuvelyladdy: yeah
saxiestmanalive: I don't like u sad
luuvelyladdy: its okay
saxiestmanalive: not really
luuvelyladdy: why not?
luuvelyladdy: i just have to be able to be alone
luuvelyladdy: and be strong

the convo kinda ended there because he got offline..but man...i think thats true...i have to be able to be alone and be strong...with or without my friend michelle..with or without some guy in my life...but you know i think...we all get weak sometimes..and i think when i get weak is when i get sad...i just kinda begin to feel really needy...most men may see that as weak..oh well...but its like im just in need of just alittle love...and i think when i get sad...i want someone to talk to...to listen to me babble..just to let me know everything will be okay...eventhough i know it deep down for myself...i guess i just needed some loving...well im not getting that tonight...or anytime soon...so im going to get my son...and put him to sleep...and hit the sack......hopefully its still bad outside tomorrow..so i dont have to work again.....the snow is horrible...yeah its pretty but damn the pretty...lol...night

well last night before i went to bed...a friend called and told me one of my best friends may have been killed in a car accident in all this wintery storm...

life is soo crazy...seems like every 6 months to a year someone i know is getting killed or dies somehow...it seems as though death follows me...like its on the heel of my feet...but just wont touch me...seems like god keeps me in his safe keeping...but does that mean he isnt doing that for others? or does that just mean i still have something to do in this life?...i donno...

she and i have been friends for a long time...it really pains me to even think that she may be dead...its sooo crazy because i was just talking about her the other day to "dad"...about how mad she mad me when trying to tell me "what kinda man I NEED!...but you know thats her...and we are so in sync lol that she was actually right..and what she said made me think...

well here was the somewhat story...there were people in the car...two females...one dead and one in critical condition...but they wont release the name until they have verified "next of kin"...KIN??...well her mother died a couple of years ago...and she and her father dont talk...i only remembered his name because she told me once...and mainly because its the same as my uncle's name...spencer...well...life is stinking right now...smelling like a rotten egg...but i just have to keep praying that everything will be okay....can i pray that the "one female dead" isnt her...but you gotta believe that the other girls family is praying that its not their child...i dont know..how can you pray for death for someone else and life for the other...its just mean...i guess last night my prayer was that everything be okay...that whatever God's will is..that its just okay...because if it were two females in the car i mostly likely know who the other was...damn...

well here we go....i woke up late this morning..mainly because my son kept me up most of the night crying...why he was crying?? i dont know...but he was...so by the time he got settled and sleep it was about 2am...okay...so i wake up at 7am...i shouldve been up at 6am...well okay...im thinking we can still get ready and get out at a decent time...well we do...and everything seems to be going okay...i leave out of my place...baby on back...covered...snuggled up...and i had to tell my little brother one more thing..."take out my trash for me pleeeaseee"....so i leave out the door...down the street and on a 12 minute hike down the street...well usually its not that bad...buuut today its snowing...well i say to myself..."at least it isnt thaaat cold this morning"....walking walking walking...feeling preety good...finally get to my bus stop...then i make sure that i packed my lunch IN MY BAG..."ooooh shit...i dont have my bag"...meaning the baby doesnt have his lunch....meaning...."FUUUUUUCCCCKKKK I HAVE TO WALK ALLLL THE WAY BACK HOOOOMMME!!!!"...ooook so walking walking walking...back back back....home home home....okay so im a really emotional person but im only emotional to the PEOPLE I LOVE....no matter who it is...you know my mom my brother...significant other...you know the people im close to...no one else knows im this "huuuuge cry baby"...well back to the story...i get home...i get home...and my little brother is coming down the stairs for me..."with my bag in hand" damn i looove him...he is such a sweet kid...well as soon as i see him...i start to cry...(you know the whole im emotional around the people i love)...so im crying not because i left my bag...i guess i cried this morning because some days like today i just feel soo overwhelmed...i feel like im the only one out there...like im alone in this huuge world...so walkign walking walking....back back back...to the bus stop....by this time my son is sleeping..mainly because i have his head covered up....(wouldnt you sleep if you were all snuggled up on your mommie) well finally finally get the bus stop...i see my bus...so "oh nooooo i have to run alittle"..."oh shit i cant run...i cant chance falling"...so i just have to walk really fast....finally get across the street...just in the nick of time..."THANK YOU JESUS!!!"...i couldnt have stood there for another bus and came to work...i wouldve been an emotional wreck...weelll okay...get to the sitters to drop off my son...and man...SHE HAS FORMULA FOR HIM!!!! a while back she gave me his formula...but she said i brought it back for you know "for days like this".....wellll......im kinda pissed...but oh well...i have the bottles they are in my bag..no big deal...im over it...so i put him down...she is holding him...i walk out of the house...and "damn man!!! i see my bus...come on come on cars..move it!!! i haaaave to get this bus!!"...well now with no baby on my back im free to run...if i fall i fall...so i book it...running alittle to my bus...."YYYEEAH I GET THE BUS!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!"....oh the bus i am...finally getting a chance to feel my legs....to feel what warm is like..."THANK YOU JESUS FOR LETTING ME BE OKAY...FOR LETTING MY SON AND I JUST BE OKAY...THANK YOU SOO MUCH!!!" ok so im on the bus...riding riding riding...going going going...to work work work...."man my bag is heavy...what the heck is in here?" so i check.........................."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOT HIS BOTTLES!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" yes yes yes...his bottles are in my bag....the bottles that i walked a mile for in the snow with a 30lb baby on my back...the bottles that made me feel like i was the worst mother ever...the bottles that i ran for!!! THESE DAMN BOTTLES!!!....damn...oh well..the sitter has formula...he will be okay...off to work i go...pissed crying...but i have to be okay....crying because just last night im trying to encourage "dad" and let him know we have to keep going when things dont go right...we have to keep pressing on...and damn when something happens to me i kinda loose it...but hey man i have to suck it up...life is tooo short to be soo down on myself...

and i get to work...go over the story in my mind...beating up on myself.....im sooo sad...then my boss comes in late....and answers her voicemail...and her daughter had a car accident in the snow....DAMN....i just sit here thinking...

I HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL!!! thank you jesus for letting nothing happen to my son and i..thank you jesus for always having me in your arms...protecting me from harm...from danger...thank you jesus for being the best dad a girl could ever have...thank you...because it couldve been me....

sooooo...im talking to my friend tonight...and she says...i should tell you guys about myself..i mean who the hell even looks at my blog..but oh well..maybe someone is looking...

1. Breathing since November 7, 1976...that makes me 28!!!
2. Living in Cincinnati, Ohio, by way of Mendenhall Mississippi...
3. Im a banker...i job ive been forced to hate for the last 7 months...
4. 1 son, but would love to have a daughter in the future..
but damn im getting old lol..
5. Single but looking for a great person to spend my life with...
6. Short term goal is to finish out my job...it ends in march...
and figure out what my next step will be...
7. Long term goal is to become a web designer...im praying when my job is over ill go
back to school to do it...well im praying that my life will be a little
easier...giving me the perfect oppurtunity to go back to school...

well that was kinda trying...and damn my eyes are getting soo heavy...ooh yeah

this bus driver hit on me today hahaha...and i was just thinking...why would you hit on me of all people...i look sooo damn mean when im riding the bus...i do it so people dont talk to me..you know the weirdos you get riding the bus lol....oh well i guess he loves the mean type...dumb dumb lol...well i cant call him dumb...i was looking rather pretty today lol...hahhaahaha...(as you can see no one has to tell me im looking good...its nice sometimes but you know when you just think you are looking fly...well that was me today lol)...well really the weather broke and i was feeling really good when i got up this morning....

well im going to bed...i love blogging lol..man i need a "real" life!! lol

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. SWEETS
2. BeeBee (my nephew and niece and little brohter call me that!)
3. T T (this guy at work started calling me that lol)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU'VE HAD:
1. luuvepotion
2. luuvelyladdy
3. mommieluuve

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. im cute
2. corney azz jokes
3. my crazy hair

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. nonchalant...i never care about what to eat or where to go...
2. my big mouth lol just cant seem to shut it up
3. my crazy hair (yes somedays i love it...somedays i hate it)

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. African-American
2. Caucasian
3. Asian (has to be with these slanted eyes) lol



THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Dying in a car accident
2. My son getting hurt
3. Snakes

THREE EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. My son..lol
2. Deodorant
3. Music

THREE THINGS YOU'RE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Cute purple gym shoes
2. ClassRing
3. The great silver hoops

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR ARTISTS AT THE MOMENT:
1. John Legend
2. Jill Scott
3. Anthony Hamilton

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. So High (John Legend)
2. Cross My Mind (Jill Scott)
3. Charlene (Anthony Hamilton)

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Meet a new person
2. Buy a nice couch
3. Go out with my new person on a nice date (lol)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Honesty (but not tooooo honest i dont have to know everything)
2. Great Passion
2. Humor

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I looove my son!
2. I looove my job!
3. I looove to shop!

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Nice smile
2. Height
3. Great voice

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Stay mad with my son
2. Stay mad with "dad"
3. Be mean to my family.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Blogging (now)
2. Playing with Photoshop
3. Taking pictures of my son

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Take a long nap with no interruptions
2. Win the lottery (at least 10,000)
3. Find my lip balm (dang my lips are soo dry lol)

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Modeling (when i was smaller)
2. Engineer
3. Web Designer

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Africa
2. Any Carribean Island
3. New York City

THREE KID'S NAMES
1. Khalil
2. Kali
3. Tone' (you know like tony but with an "e")

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Just be a better all around person. No real fears.
2. Dont be such a worry wart.
3. Get married.

if you know me...im always excited about the smallest things...and its crazy that im always looking for approval from the ones i love...i dont share my joy with most people...but if you are one of the few friends i have...you would know how much im loving the blog thing....damn ive even clicked on the old photoshop icon...to "create" again...its really nice to have an outlet...even if only a handful of people read it...well my sons handful...maybe like 2 or 3 folks...but its the cool new thing...these blogs..and im enjoying it....

but anywho..i was talking to my friend tonight...and she was trying to tell me...
What I NEED in a Mate...she is crazy but because we are great friends i just talked about her behind her back to "dad" lol...i love you boo hahahaha...but after she told me some of the stuff im was thinking yeah she may be right to a degree...so i guess this is what i need...

....Someone who will listen and probe a little, not too hard (ok...no pun intended..but damn do i need a probing hahahaha), but just enough for me to understand that he cares about my feelings and my inner thoughts, he needs to provide for me a safe environment for me to express myself freely. He needs to be able to understand that sometimes during conflict that my first reaction or actions to a situation are not always what I truly mean to express...maybe it was just the heat of the moment....He needs to be a giver, because I am one, and not ask me what I want but listen and try to figure out what I need and give it to me..hahaha mates in my past will get this lol...i never know what i want for dinner...i never care where we go....i just never care...im usually happy just chilling out with my man..I need someone to help expose me to things because I am curious and loves adventure, but need someone to help pull me out into the world of the unknown....because im soo scared too....I need someone who will respect me and show me how a woman should be treated especially physically and sexually. RESPECT, his mindset should be "now baby this is how a woman is supposed to be treated" so that my mind is renewed regarding relationships. I love quality time with my man, so he has to be someone that values one on one time.....

soooooo true...i added some things to what she said...but damn...thats right on point with what i need...what i want...

okay im going to bed...its sooo freaking cool in this apartment..."kpp" seems to love it though...but he has on a all over pj set...with those feet covered...hahaha...i lvoe those things...i actually wish they made them for adults...

dAmn...man...ive been on the internet non-stop over the weekend...i've spent entirely too much time on the internet..point blank period....its alot of things that are causing me to browse (boredom..longing for alittle excitment...looking oooh looking for something that will make my day? a bargain...a conversation...something...)and man now today im at work...with nothing to do...searching..browsing...oooh just looking...

and man...i think i just can't help myself. its like its beckoning me to come explore. The glow of the shiny, effervescent letter "e" is deliciously inviting. My hands reach for the mouse that's ever so eager to take a bite into the depths of the bluest of blues. For I know, this is "off limits," says the man (the IT MAN). But oh, what's a girl to do?

How does someone like me...a curious soul, a researcher, a writer, a creative explorer...NO NO NO...an ebay junkie...cut themselves off from such a myriad of information, knowledge and creative expression? it all waits patiently in html to be read and devoured by myself and others from around the globe.

it isn't fair. it's just not fair i tell you!

who will save me from this slavery to the "net"? who will loose me from the chains that hold me solely to the website of the "eb@y!!" who will hear my anguish? maybe the man will. his form of deliverance? maybe a lashing, a move, a firing! ooh i cant think this way lol!

maybe the "Real Man" will deliver me from this atrocity and place me in true freedom. Maybe my liberty lies in my own initiative. if i were putting my all into what i was supposed to do, i wouldn't have to worry about the chains of someone else's rule. the choking constraints of another man's vision. man this damn "e"....

thank you "e", for showing me the possibilites.

lol yes im a nutcase...but man this little "e" has been my source of enjoyment for a long time now....with nothing to do at home...with nothing to do at work...and no one to do "nothing" with..except for the little sweet boy..who drips all over me lol...and talks this language i cant understand....who eats everything off the floor that he can find....this little "e" has been my little friend....so with that said....damn i need some loving!!! lol rooooffllll!!!

wow...as everyone knows im addicted to ebay...and if you dont know...well I Am....its crazy how much i look on ebay...but man do i love it....im always finding some good deal...well this weeks best deal...shoot this year's best deal isssss...an hp photosmart 145 printer!!!! you will neeever guess how much it was.... $27.50!!!! im soo hyped up...i used my friend nikkis and i instantly fell in love with it...well i have my own...its soo nice...the best christmas gift ever lol....its crazy how crazy i am lol...the small things make me sooo happy!!! I LOOOVE EBAY!!!!

my horoscope today reads....

"Suddenly your place doesn't look the way you want it to. Oh, it's actually fine just the way it is, but you still feel like something just has to change. Maybe it's just time to rearrange some furniture!"

wow...im rearranging my room and living as we speak...it always takes me two days to do it...so ill finish it all in a minute...once im done with this blog...

i just thought it was intresting to see my horoscope say exactly what is going on it my life today...

but man isnt it boring when all you have going on in your life is rearranging a room lol....its more sad to think thats sooo cool lol...

hey..today is getting better...at least im out of the cold...

im reading this article in http://www.citybeat.com ....
its about this artist brian joiner...he had an exhibit here in the city...he is amazing..the exhibit was sooo good...it was soo different...usually you go to a museum and view paintings...but this was almost hands on....it was really unique...i wish more of my friends couldve seen it...black and white friends...i think its one of those exhibits i will remember for the rest of my life...its crazy because when it came time to talk about the exhibit with a friend...i didnt have much to say...but now when i think about it...i have lots to say...

man ive been trying to type this post allll day i started at 9:31 lol...and its now 4:02pm....oh well...ill type more when i get home...

peeeace...its coooold outside!!!

a good day for someone's HOT COCOA!! LOLOLOL!!!

tonight im feeling lonely...i think my son can feel that im sad...because he keeps coming over to hug me and or kiss me...its crazy how they know and sense everything....i love him sooo much...and just as i say that he starts whinning lol...

i think im feeling lonely because im thinking too much tonight...just about my past...i just feel like i need some love tonight...someone to just lay in bed with...and do absolutely nothing with...or read a good book...or listen to some good music...

when i think about the past...i always seem to get sad...because i dont have what i had...the joy of coming home to see someone you love...or waiting at home til they come...the joy of listening to them just babble about nothing at all..the joy of cooking (and i hate to cook) for them...and watching for the "this is nasty" look to come on their face...i just miss the joys i used to have in my soul...and now it seems like i only get them from someone who doesnt even know his own name hahahaha...my son...thats not to say those are super special joys...its just not what im talking about...

but its okay...im going to finish looking up things on ebay...and get in the bed...

i think my present life is okay...my son is great...he is a real joy to me...but my relationship life makes me sad.....oh well..i was just thinking...

and seems like tonight thinking makes me alittle sad...

by the morning...life will be okay again :) night

hey...i told myself...i should at least write in my blog once a week...i forgot about it yesterday...well lets see...whats been going on in my life...LOL NOTHING!! LOL....i feel really good about life...i heard my son cry momma the other day lol...that was like whoa...i think he was just saying nana...lol..oh well..i hear what i want!! Ive been keeping in contact with my cousin...which is really cool...ive missed talking to her...you know the one...the one that "bear" loves...yeah her...

welllllll...umm...ive been talking to my friend derek more...he is soo sweet to me...just one of the greatest people i know...we are always talking...but seems like lately...we have been really getting to the root of things...i help him...he helps me...he was telling me about his girl blowing up because one of his "girl" friends called their place...i had to be honest with him...ive done the same thing...i cant stand when women do that...lol...im jealous though lol...

man im in such a great mood...eventhough its soo dark outside...im making the best of it...

dad picks up kpp today...so i have alittle 'me' time...which some days i love...so i can sleep...but other days...man i miss him sooo much...oh well...everyone says i will love this 'me' time oh well...i cant wait...

and yeah i was looking at him last night...once he threw his bottle and shuffled around and got settled and went to sleep....wow this is my son...this big boy...grew inside me for months..and now look at him...i remember when he was just a thought...i love him sooo much...i cant wait to see him in a year...two years...even 10 years from now...its such a joy to escort him along his life's path right now...i love it...

so derek wanted me to say what happened between his girl and him...he said the post made him sound like a pimp...well here goes...

his friend (which is a girl) called his new place...see derek moved to a new city dc...with his "new wonderful beautiful girlfriend"...she is cute lol...but anyway...he has moved to the same city...they now live together...well see derek...i guess didnt feel the need to tell the world...that he would be moving in with his new wonderful beautiful girlfriend...

soooooo....his friend called their new place...ooooooohhh....of course the friend didnt know he now lives with his new wonderful beautiful girlfriend...so of course...he talked...while the girlfriend was like "what the fuuuuuukkk??!!"...and of couuuurse...men never seem to think anything is a big deal...well to women that is a huuuge deal..to have another woman call her house...to speak to HER MAN!!....CRAAAZYY...

well the new and beautiful and wonderful girlfriend went off....and i think with good intentions...so that was that...

what would you have done??
i wouldve went completely crazy lol...!! well not completely...but i wouldve let my boyfriend know thats not cool..and to let all your HOES know not to call OUUUURRR NEW WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL PLAAACE!!


OKAY DEREK...IS THAT GOOD??

man somedays i want things that i know i cant have..or cant help.....and seems like tonight is one of those nights...i want to be able to help but i really cant...i have to help from a distance..and its very hard...i have to step back and let things happen and let things work themselves out...but man...it pains me...but you know what...i have to learn to live with what has been provided to me by my creator and except the great things he has given me...and just let gooooo!!!! im going to lay down...man im soo tired tonight...

Figuratively, i imagine myself married to the man that i am unfortunately but hopelessly in love with..he i think...consumes 50% of my daydreams and 100% of my nightdreams lol..i didn't realize how much i think and talk about 'him' until the other day...i thought to myself...damn everybody that knows me knows of him..i didn't realize that he was such a big part of my life that i, apparently, wear like my favorite night shirt...the problem is he isnt real....the first time we meet i was sooo in love with him...i would do anything for him...shit i did anything for him...moved to be with him...loved him with no regrets..then all of a sudden all the love and all the passion had to end because of family...then the second time we meet...he needed things i couldnt give..he needed space..when i wanted to be right there...he didnt need me yet i needed him sooo bad...he needed to know that he was a tree so tall and strong...but i dont think he needed me to say that to him...he wanted others to understand it and feel it...but i continued to say it and i think he continued to hate me for it...life kept slapping him in the face..and i didnt understand...shit i couldnt understand...we were different...from different backgrounds...different families...just different....then the third time we meet...the person became something different...super loving... super caring...this time the tables were turned...the person would do anything for me....but because im soo stubborn..i wouldnt allow it...i wouldnt allow this person to love me unconditional...mainly because of what i thought others would say...so maybe this time..just maybe this time...if im given the chance to meet him again...maybe it will work...maybe it will be what i need at the time i need it...man i love you soo much...but where are you?? i cant wait to meet you again....hopefully in a dark alley so we can get our freak on lol...jk...thats my nonsex having self talking lol...but hey if i never meet you again i'm working on accepting it and disciplining myself so that I can love somebody else with at least half the energy I to love him with... it's just not that easy though...all of my activities illicit a thought of him somehow....sometimes there is a reason for it, sometimes there isn't....sometimes i just want him in the bed with me reading a good book...sometimes i just want him kissing that little place on my neck that i cant stand for someone to kiss because i love that feeling too much it makes me crazy...and sometimes i just want him on a sunday afternoon watching the steelers beat up whomever the next victim is...its crazy...one day it wont be soo crazy...i will just be glad when the outcome is here already....when the day comes that i can fast forward out of this twilight zone to the end of the movie already. What does the future hold for me? for my kpp? for the missing person who will complete my triangle to form "my family"..i hope to find the person someday...ive made up in my mind i wont run anymore...i will be steal and steadfast...and open to meeting someone good...someone good for me and the baby boy....i have to let love come...i have to let it be...because in the end i wanna just be...ummm what?? happy...loved...secure...cherished...

oh yeah my cousin she is soo precious to me...we kinda sorta grew up together...and i love her as if she were my little sister...im sooo happy for her!! she seems to be happy...she seems to have found a guy that loves her just for the person she is...and i really want to meet this ummm "jack"...bear is what she said they call him...awww i love her soo much...i should probably send her a link to my page so she can see how much i love her lol...but she was just telling me she'd read somewhere that she should marry for stability...i think i should marry someone because they love me...i think i give others stability...i told her i would be the kinda women who went to work while my husband stayed home lol..and everyone but ME would have something bad to say about it...i just always feel like i need too much...too much to ask for...so i never do...and then on the other hand...i feel like when i find a person i can ask for things...i go overboard...who knows when it will all end...who knows when that one and only person will come around...to love me just how i need to be loved...and when things go bad or sad...i stick it out...i find myself always running...and im done...i wont run anymore...i will stick it out...but then again if i keep running..maybe ill run into 'you'...and you will knock me right off my feet...or then again...if i keep running...ill run right pass 'you' so lol who knows...

i think im getting back into this blog thing....i really like it...i just kinda found myself not blogging becuase i was doing other things...well...november has come and gone..im now 28!! lol..my bday was the 7th of nov....right now i am in the process of reevaluating and restructuring my life and goals..i had taken myself off my high priority list, thus the depression...i think when i do that i loose myself..BUT I HAVE PUT MYSELF BACK ON IT!!..and i must say it feels good...i looked in the mirror this morning at my face...wondering wow...everyone says i look so young..but man i dont look anything like i did last year...i look more mature i think...more adult...resently, i have just been growing and developing just as my son grows up...i have seen my self evolve and revolve into a better woman because of it...its crazy ...it is kind of funny....everytime i go into a period of deep thought and introspection, i have a jones to create...usually trying to cook some meal or something...its crazy..the more i think the more i want to cook...lol thats probably why i cant loose that kpp weight lol!!! awwwwwhhhh!!!

i was listening to this song that de la soul put out a while back...and i was just thiking damn...i should feel this way but man i dont....recently i have been feeling very self conscious image wise...i am still carrying around baby fat and it is starting to make me feel really crazy...ive never been a small girl...but my belly has never looked like this either...i know it takes time for it to come off, but my baby is almost 10 months old on this monday....sometimes i praise my body like am the venus of willendorf because of the miraculous experiences it has carried me through...but on the other hand, i feel that beauty has escaped me...i know beauty is in the eye of the beholder and motherhood is one of the most beautiful things that can happen to a woman...i guess i will just keep shining in my beauty and see my baby fat as baby phat...

im counting down to the very last minute!!! im beginning to hate everything again...i just really need a short vacation...so this weekend im taking one...going about 2 hours away for alittle r&r and catching up with old friends...who i consider family...so this should be really fun...the baby can play and have a good time..going from one lap to another...crawling and partying....man i cant wait...

i havent seen them in soo long...seems like a year but i saw them in may...wow the boy is 8 months 9 in a two weeks...time is flying by....

it seems like i have a good day at work mentally..and then when i get home everything goes down hill...i just need some time away and some time alone...tonight the boy is going with dad..i will be able to take a long bath...wash my hair...and get everything ready....man if you think im talking about this trip alot...i am lol because im sooo ready to get out of dodge!!!!

...i feel better...i got the new jill scott cd...nice verry verry verry nice...i love her...some really good songs that makes me think about my past and my present...just how everything you do comes back to you...and that karma is real...and in relationships we all have to remember that we should treat the other person how we truely want to be treated...because usually the next relationship it will defintely come back to you!!!! im living proof lol...

well my weekend was okay...

friday...
after i left work i was soo tired and sick...i went home and took me a loooong nap...then got up sick as a freaking dog and went to olive garden...it was soo funny because im sitting at the table wishing i was laying in bed...wishing my nose would just turn itself off...but i went home and took some medicine and went to bed..the son was soo good...he just went to sleep..its like he knows when i dont feel good...because at those times he is the best son eeeverrr!!!

saturday...
i told myself to GET UP...i have to go to work today...i came in...did what i had to do and then got ready to go....
finally kpp got to see uncle dusty and brandon....so that was cool...
finally went home and chilled out...

sunday...
nothing nothing nothing at all...watched the bengals loose...of course...watch the steelers wiiin...so that was really cool...and deon sanders...ummm i didnt see him on the ravens team lol...opps..the son went with dad to watch the bengals...i had to put some orange on him lol...he was ready...i need to buy him a team jersey...so he is a good fan lol...

okay today...im bored...work has become really boring...i dont have much work to do...so i just sit here and look on myebay...blogger...listen to music...find new artist...listen to this jill scott...and this kayne west...when i first heard it...i didnt like it too much...but now im listening today...and its kinda cool...cant hate on him anymore....

maaaaaannn i dont feel well at all...yesterday it was kpp now its me...i just want to crawl back in bed and go to sleep...but of course i cant...had to get up this morning and earn a living...so needless to say im here at work...

i hope this weekend is semi-restful...i have to work tomorrow...for a couple of hours...but other than that i have nothing to do...hopefully i can fight this cold and win...and get some much needed rest...

okay back to work...

oh yyyeeeppppppeeee the vicepresident is in town...im sooo excited...YEAH RIGHT..all it does it cause a huge traffic jam...for what? for him to lie about what he and the president want to do for the next four years...wooooowww...lies lies lies....i cant stand it...it makes me soo sick...lol wow...i went off...oh well...im not voting for them...if it was a monkey running against gwb i would vote for the monkey...shit it is a monkey running lol and guess who im voting for lol....

KERRY....THE MONKEY...HE IS A CLASS ACT AS WELL..THEY ALL LIE...BUT HEY IM VOTING FOR THE LESSER OF THE TWO EVILS!!! RICH BASTARD!!!

we arent feeling well today...it was the rain yesterday...waiting for the bus we got rained on...i felt really bad when i dropped him off at the daycare today...he started to cry...when i got halfway to work i thought about going back to get him...i hate it when he doesnt feel well..yeah he keeps me up but i dont mind...he is a good boy and i just always want him to be happy and feeling 100%...the ladies on the job said i 'over' love him...but what does that mean really...he is my flesh and blood and i want the very very very best for him...and i loove to look at his little smiling face lol....check him out...i cant wait to pick him up from school today...i hope he is feeling better...



ps he looks really cute today in his blue overalls with his little stripped izod lacoste...EBAYMOMMIE :)...

see i have this home computer problem...I FORGOT MY PASSWORD!!!! I CANT STAND IT...i cant access MYYYY INTERNET...so i have to do other things when i get home...like do laundry lol...wash dishes...be a good mommie lol..you know play with kpp and crawl around on the floor til he gets tired of me...you know mommie/domestic stuff...unless i go to the park or hang with friends...well today...i have nothing to do...and a closet full of mine and kpps laundry...so huummmm?? what should i do lol...i think ill do the laundry and work on his scrapbook at the same time...maybe he will allow me to do that....if not...at least we'll have clean clothes tomorrow :)

well another day without my computer...my luuvely luuvely computer...i cant stand it...

something was wrong with the blogger today...but this was my entry at 830am this morning....

Its raining outside and im just getting to work...sometimes i luuve the rain..and last night was one of those times...i woke up a couple of times and just listened to the rain and the felt the breeze from the window...it was nice...as kpp lay in his bed i was just trying to figure out what ill do with my life...how will i make a great life for him...he makes me sooo happy and i just want to do the same for him...do the best i know how to make a good life for him...he is such a good boy...

Today is friday...im kinda happy i get a three day weekend that i know will fly by...taking the baby to see my family this weekend...hopefully that will be a good time...

:)

WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE SOO MUCH DRAMA?? PLLEEASE LET ME KNOW....DAMN I CANT STAND IT...

so im talking to a freind today on the phone...and i was given the chance to ask her anything i wanted...well i couldnt come up with a question....well i have plenty of questions...but she does this pause thing...and i hate it...it always seems like she is lying about something...maybe its just me...or maybe she is lying...whoooooooo knooows...

she says me...but you know what...ITS NOT!!! SHE IS CRAZY!!! LOL

mmmaaaaannn i love this kiiid!!! i remember when i said i cant wait til he is crawling..well he is crawling now...he is such a delightful kid...even when he is screaming he is sweet lol...only words a mother could say....i love him sooo much...he is the best thing that has happened to my life in a looooooonnng timmmeee!!! i love him dearly...

i was asked by a co-worker, Natalie, could i have more children...i donno...im not married right now...so i wouldnt have anymore at this point...but then i donno...would i have more if i were married...i still cant say...i love him more than life itself...he is this amazing person who i lavish alll of my love on...yeah i guess i could have more..once he was too big for hugs lol...or too big for my loving...or do i have enough love in me to love another child just the same as i love him...i donno...something to really think about...wow...

Well I have this thing...it can be a good thing some days and a bad thing other days...but i never know how it will be...well today the thing seems okay...i think i should go to the doctor for this thing...maybe get more medicine for the thing..hopefully the medicine will make it clear up....this thing i have is a craaaazy thing...i dont know what to about my little thing...i just need someone to help me with my thing...but if i tell someone about this thing...they will look at the thing...smell the thing...love the thing...maybe even want a bit of the thing...so hopefully if i show someone they wont make me feel weird about the thing....man this thing i have...its making me crazy...but man gotta love the thing... :)

I WAS LATE TODAY!!! but i dont care...it took everything in me to wake up this morning...

my nephew left last night...i was so happy to be alone for a minute...it was awesome...quiet time with my son....he is growing up sooo fast...its amazing...he is such a sweet boy......i cant wait til he's crawling...wow this gives me a new reason to take mooore pics of him...

IM GOOOOING HOMMMMMMMMMEEE!!!!

Hey....this day has been soooooooooooo booorrring!!!!! My job is beginning to suck...and all because i have nothing to do...some people would say...SHUT UP AND STOP COMPLAINING!!...but man im a workhorse...and cant stand to look at the internet alll day at work!!! hahahahahahah...or read a book or shop on ebay...i want to do that at home!! lol...hahaha...i love this place